the words i type...

My Name Is...

2011-11-04T17:56:00.000-04:00

When starting this blog four years ago I wanted to remain as anonymous as I could. Then came Facebook and Twitter and since I use my real first name for both of those accounts, I figured I might as well change it here too.

I've been wanting to change from Ms.KnowitAll (I also used Ms.KiA) for a while now. That was a nickname my ex used to call me and well me and my ex broke up long ago. I enjoyed my time using the pseudonym and now it's time to use Kel or for the sake of this blog Just Kel...

My full first name is Kelley.

I struggled with "Kelley" when I was younger. I grew up with Tamikas, Shaniquas, Keishas, Tashas, and Tanyas... and I wanted one of those names too. I had to be about seven years old when I told my mother I wanted a name change... Ok so what really happened was my brother was eighteen and he asked me mother if he could change his name and she said yes. I figured I could ask and she'd say yes to me. She didn't.If I could have changed my name it would have been Barbara, Diana, Tina because to me, those are sexy names.

My mom didn't choose Kelley because she researched the meaning or because it flowed so nicely with my last name. She chose my name because my aunt knew a woman who knew another woman and she had a niece named Kelly and my mom wanted to name me something "different". Plus my brother's name began with a K and my mother wanted to keep to her trend.

My first name tends to fool people. I know that both, my first and last names are Irish and English respectively. I just recently I met a colleague I had been communicating with via email. As we shook hands, he said Oh you're Kelley. it's nice to put a name with a face, I've seen you before but I never you were a Kelley. I really wanted to ask Did you think I was an Aisha? But I didn't of course because I'm not a nut and my perception could have been off.

A few years back when I looked up the meaning of my name. It was then that I embraced it fully.

"From the Irish Gaelic name Kelly, Warrior Woman, is bold and daring in all she does; someone who makes every minute count; has a classic strength and beauty; compassionate and patient with others; someone who is held in high esteem; a smile like a beam of light at night; a woman who is proud of her old-fashioned ideas; an individual who is very adventurous."

"Kelly — from the Gaelic word for "warrior woman"; "farm by the spring". At an ancient shrine of the goddess Brigit at Kildare, there were sacred priestesses and warrior women called kelles, and its possible the name and surname came from them."

So I've come to learn and accept my warriorism... my courage and even my aggressiveness. I am a warrior while defending and protecting the people and the things I love. I was a warrior when I endured abuse, rejection, all types of hurt and life's side swipes. I'm sure that given the choice, a lot of us would not have chosen our names - a side of me would still choose Barbara, Diana, Tina and even Sheila - but just as a middle name or even a nickname. While I still find them to be sexy names, Kelley is the name my mama chose and it fits me just fine.

I Remember...

2011-11-03T09:30:00.000-04:00

Sometimes something so small can bring evoke a memory. For me, it's the smell of Nag Champa or Egyptian Musk or Sandalwood or whatever scent it was that Armstrong wore.

And whenever I smell that pungent body oil I remember how I met Armstrong, a friend of a friend I met one day while cutting school. I remember how deep his voice was. Too deep for him to call my house since I was thirteen and he was seventeen. I remember my mother forbidding me to see him since he was older and most likely sexually experienced.

I remember how I ignored my mother's warning and saw Armstrong anyway. We lived in the same neighborhood, he went to my neighborhood high school and I was bound to see him again anyhow. I remember how cute he was... light skin, curly hair, big brown eyes, full pink lips, and dimples.

I remember how he invited me to his house one Sunday. I ate my first vegetarian meal since his family were strict vegans. I remember how I met every one in his home since they all sat down and ate together (My family only did this on holidays.) I remember this was the first time I heard Black people speaking German because his grandfather was German. I remember after the meal when we sat in front of his house and kissed. I remember sitting in between his legs. He lived on the same block where they shot the opening scene of the movie Maid in Manhattan. I remember how he removed the earrings from my left ear, all three earrings. I remember how he whispered in my left ear with that deep voice of his. I remember how he licked my left ear from the lobe to the helix, the scapha, concha, external meatus, tragus and everywhere in between. I remember how he bent my ear and licked right in the back... you know... right there. I remember how he blew on my ear to dry it. I remember how other parts of me could not be blown dry. I remember how he put back all three of my earrings. I remember thinking that my mother's concerns of me being thirteen and dating someone seventeen were on point.

I remember asking one guy who wore that same fragrance what the name was but for some reason I cannot remember that - just its sweet, lingering scent. Every time I smell it, which is every once in a while, I remember that Sunday afternoon. That was over twenty years ago and I remember that like it was yesterday...

I began to doubt...

2011-11-01T15:37:00.000-04:00

God.

Just recently. I truly went through a period of days and months doubting, thinking and wondering if God is really real. I never stopped going to church. After all going to church, for me, is just like getting up daily and going to my Monday through Friday, 9 to 5 - it's a ritual, a routine. So not going to church would be like quitting my full-time gig. In addition to that not going to fellowship would be like cutting out a big piece of what I do.

BUT going to church and believing that God is real are two different things.

I don't know what happened, what words were spoken to me, what I had watched on TV... Perhaps while I was in bible study someone asked a question and the answer offered didn't have any weight to it. Maybe it was while reading the paper or witnessing evil shadowing this world. The "God Seed" was planted in me by my mother long ago... I do not remember a time in my life when I did not believe yet somehow my faith was breached.

I am known to overthink. I mean I pensively rip things a-part. You can't just tell me to believe and I do. I cannot just have faith. Not me. I need some proof, intangible proof, in order to believe.
And believe in what exactly... Cosmology? Religion?

I did not stop praying. I did not stop studying. I didn't give up or throw up my hands but those actions can be considered habits and not true acts of faith. So I asked God if He was real, prove it to me. Give me a sign that You are out there, You hear me, and You've got all sides of me.

This past week two events happened to me. I asked God for proof of His existence and he gave me two. One sign nearly made me piss my pants, literally. I won't go into detail about it but I will say it was one of those "that could have been me" incidents. I suppose I needed that. That jolt, that shock, that fear that stunning experience where the words "God! Help! Me!" naturally fell out of my mouth. The other event was something mild and sweet, something where if I blinked I would not have noticed. If God didn't already astound me, He would not have been able to wow me - which is what He did. I would have taken this second experience for granted.

Is God really real? I am sure we've all asked that question. And truthfully, unless we simply believe and have faith - unless we see a sign or have a Daniel, Jonah, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego experience - perhaps we'll just have to live out this life until we close our eyes and wake up some other side to shall receive our answers.

As for me I do not believe in coincidence and I don't think that those two experiences were unrelated events. I believe God is real. He proved His God Self to me and I realized that I had taken God for granted.

I know that rainbows after heavy rainstorms are God's sign that he's keeping His promise to us. I saw two of them last month but still I doubted God's reality. I've seen prayers answered and breakthroughs happen and still I wondered if God was just a label for all unexplained happenings. God saw that my faith needed to be shocked and stirred to the point where when I think about what could have happened to me my heartbeat increases and when I think about what He did for me a fullness fills my heart.

Post Cemetery Visit

2011-06-01T13:38:00.001-04:00

I went to the cemetery last weekend -- not in observance of Memorial Day -- for a different reason. When my mother told me that she was heading out to Jersey to visit her parents, my first thought was “Have a good time!” but I ignored my inner voice and said “I’ll go with you”. After all it’s been about 15 years since we’ve been out to the cemetery and my brother was meeting us – Oh happy family day!

Saturday was hot and what made it even hotter was the fact that we caught the wrong bus. Any other time this would be my fault because I’m always late but this was my mother’s fault for: 1. Not reading the ticket and the number of the bus; 2. Not asking the driver if she was getting on the right bus and; 3. For getting on the bus that arrived at 9:50 and not the one we were supposed to get on at 10:10. See my mother is a ball of nervous energy and I knew better than to trust her judgment, that day, but I had been ignoring my inner voice for a few days already… We discovered our error almost at the end of our trip. The bus driver, instead of letting us ride out with him and double back for a transfer, put us out in the middle of nowhere and we waited for him to return for us. Long story not so long, a trip that would have taken 60 minutes took 3 and a half hours.

We finally get the right bus, meet up with my brother and head to the cemetery but we have no clue where we are going. There are about 5 cemeteries in that part of town and when we asked for directions no one seemed to know where our destination was - except this one young lady who probed us a little before giving directions. She said “No offense, I hope y’all don’t take this no kinda way, but ummm are you referring to the Black Cemetery?”. I wasn’t fazed by this. Reason being, the first time we went out there me and my brother went into this pizzeria for a slice and not only did we not get served, the folks inside the restaurant stopped eating the minute we entered. This was not 1955 but more like 1985. I answered “yes” and got the directions while my mother and brother were paralyzed by the question. As I repeated that directions to my brother, he in turn asked my mother why did they choose that cemetery out of all of the cemeteries in the tri-state area? My mother explained that in the 70s when they buried her mom and sister they weren’t given choices and it was economical. We buried my grandfather there in the late 90s because his wife and daughter are there. We had no idea it was filled with Black folks.

We get to the “Black Cemetery” and my mother is complaining about the grass not being cut but water is constantly running from the cemetery’s office which I’m sure is the reason why the grass is overgrown. While in search for my grandmother’s grave which has a marker, we are stepping all over people’s graves and in mud. I’m talking ankle deep mud. My feet, my pants, my sandals are wet! I hate wet feet. That is uncomfortable and unnerving to me. ILL wet feet!

We find my grandmother and my grandfather who are buried separately. Grandfather does not have a marker because right about now we can’t afford it but we locate where he is because he’s on the edge of the grounds and his is the only grave, in that area, with flowers on it. Which leads me back to the reason for this venture… to see if they placed the flowers that my mother paid for and to see if the grass was cut. 10 minutes into our visit and my mother is ready to go back to the Bronx. My hair, once beautifully coiled is now a jagged fro. My feet are muddy ashy. My clothes fit like I sweated in them because I had. We’re all a shade browner from the sun and my mother doesn’t even want to sit and chat with her parents and sister for a spell. I vowed to never ignore my inner voice again!

Closing Thoughts…
I’m grateful for the trip because I simply love cemeteries. Ever since my first visit to that particular cemetery I have enjoyed the serenity and the nature so it was a joy to visit my grandparents and my auntie, even for a couple of minutes. Plus it was a segue for me to tell my family what my plans were in the event of my death. I realize this may be morbid for some but it’s truly a part of life. I tell them that should I pass before they do, feel free to burn me a day later and place me in whatever container they wish! My mother hems and haws and tells me she’s not doing it. My brother is all silent and I know he’s thinking the same and so I tell them both – "Look, my insurance just lapsed! I don’t know how y’all are coming up with money for a funeral, a burial and a marker!" So then my mother says… “Well how much would I save on cremation? And you said “any container”?” Money changes things!

Do You Know What Today Is? It's My Anniversary!

2011-05-02T17:12:00.001-04:00

Today while sitting at my desk, doing a face check in my hand held mirror... I spotted 2 knots in my hair and a split end. I said to myself, "It's time for a cut" and that's when I remembered what excited me so about May 2nd...

May 2nd 2009, in the wee hours of the morning, I took my last set of cornrows out, grabbed my hair shears and commenced to clipping my relaxed hair off. I was nervous. I had not cut my own hair since the age of 15 when I chopped off 5 inches of hair for a short bob. My natural hair was not as easy to maneuver as relaxed hair and I was sure that even though I successfully cut off all of my relaxed hair, my hair was most likely uneven. Sure enough when I blew my hair, I knew my next move would be the barber to even my afro.

Relaxed hair, for me, was easy. I went to the hair salon every 2 weeks for a shampoo, condition and doobie wrap. Every 6 to 8 weeks I got relaxer applied to the roots of my hair and my ends trimmed. I wore my hair out most of the time and in a pony tail other times. Simple. The longer it grew, the lazier I became and I did very little to maintain it.

I cut my hair because I really liked the natural look. I noticed that my relaxed hair which was always full was beginning to thin - more than I was comfortable with. I was also experiencing some damage in the crown of my head. But truth be told I did it under the urging of a man. I admit it. I did. But the desire was within me long before he showed up. What I worried about most and what delayed my hair transition was my career - how I would be accepted and possibly promoted - and of course how I would manage daily. I knew my natural hair was no where near as straight and silky as relaxed hair. I never wanted to look crazy and unkempt... never.

Well I have looked crazy and unkempt a time or twenty. My 2 year journey has not been as easy as I would have liked but I have loved my decision from the very beginning. The man who urged me is no longer in my life. Some folks have chosen to share their opinion of my hair and tell me they like me better before. Fortunately I work for an institution that is diverse and within my 2 years I have been promoted.

I have always loved hair, doing hair and especially braiding and styling natural hair. I have experimented with my hair, keeping it mostly in his naturally coarse state but I recently blew it out for a banquet I attended. I tried something new with my hair new just this weekend. After taking out my 2-strand twists, I rolled it with satin covered sponge rollers and released after about 7 hours... I like it!

This is my 2-day hair, Monday hair, slept on...

Today is my natural anniversary! Something as small as embracing the natural me was such a great feat. I love my freely, natural, sometimes curly, always unruly, very coarse but totally me hair! And yes it really is time for a cut!

An Afternoon with Walter Mosley

2011-03-22T18:45:00.007-04:00

A couple of years ago I wrote a "Dear Walter" post to Walter Mosley. In it I said that if I were to ever see him on the streets of New York I'd probably run up on him and slap his ass or wrap my legs around his waist. It was right after I read his book Killing Johnny Fry and I just realized that Walter Mosley was a cross-genre writer par excel lance who has written an excellent piece of erotica...

Well on this past Sunday as I was leaving the Brooklyn Public Library auditorium after listening to Walter Mosley in conversation I walk directly to Walter. And what did I do...

I smiled.

I looked up at him with the biggest 2 row, possibly some upper gum, smile. I refused to speak because I knew my voice would betray me. I'd speak with unnecessary vibrato and I would probably babble...

In my head, during the question and answer period, I was imagining this post with a pic of me and Mr. Mosley smiling it up. But as I walked past him, I knew this post would not look anything like my imagination. I figure not only should I anticipate my pics and posts but my conversations too! Nevertheless I had a wonderful time listening to him speak of how he created his characters, how he writes daily (even while on tour) and his many inspirations. I listened as he read from his latest Leonid McGill series "When The Thrill is Gone" and how he read his work with the rhythm of a poet. If he was not wearing his uniformed black fedora, I would have envisioned us in a dark smoky theater, him wearing a black beret and after his reading all of us would give our reactionary hand claps and finger snaps.

He's nothing how I imagined he would be... he's witty and funny and he's what my mother calls "quick with it"... that means he has the right answer for every question and it comes right on time.

I don't regret walking past Mr. Mosley without asking for a photo... I guess because when I looked up and smiled at him, in passing, he gave me a big ole, wide ole gap-toothed smile right back...

Fine Man Friday...

2011-02-25T17:25:00.000-05:00

I've been writing and re-writing this post for months... I started it about 6 months ago, the moment that he called to tell me that my fears were soon coming to pass.

"Aunty... I'm being deployed to Iraq."

Today he is leaving to go to Fort Hood. He just called to tell me that he loved me. I'm typing while crying y'all... In about a month he's flying to the Middle East.

He joined the military against the wishes of everyone and he did it so innocently. He's not a scholar, he's not good with his hands, he was working at some chicken joint and really wanted to do something with his life. I remember when he called to tell me he was enlisting.

I asked him not to, begged him not to, reminded him that we're in the middle of a war - it's like straight Revelations right now! - he said, so sweetly, made me think he was 5 years-old again... "but Obama is about to be elected and he's going to end the war".

I realized that I was not going to stop him. My brother, his father, who was in the military tried to stop him but couldn't deter him. I remembered how my mother told me that she begged my brother not to enlist. "Go to college", she said - that was back when the City University was free - but he was following behind a friend and decided to go anyway. With tears in her eyes she signed him up because at 17 he was too young to do it himself. I remembered how my mother broke down every time we drove him back to LaGuardia or JFK to go back to his stationed state. I knew the minute that my nephew enlisted, he wouldn't be traveling the world as my brother did, he would be trained and traveling to one destination...

He spent the holidays with me and we brought in this new year together, purposefully, before his deployment. I love when my nephew visits because I put him to work. He's been cooking for me since he was 8 and during this visit, I also made him clean. While sweeping the floor, he looks at me innocently and asks when was I going to have children. I told him that 22 years ago I had one son and he's enough. Thank you Aunty, he said, "But I'm not your son and besides you were only a teenager when I was born". With bass in my voice I told him that I said he was my son. I reminded him that I was there when he was born, one of the first faces he saw was mine, how he used to call me "Mommy", how I was his first babysitter, how we'd play and how I used to pick him up from school and do his homework with him. He recanted and said, "Well now that you say all that, I suppose you are my second mother...

Here's my Fine Man Friday... my 22 year-old baby... my nephew

then

and now

May he be completely covered during his deployment... May he be strong and wise and connected... I am believing for and claiming his safe and speedy return. Amen.

Fine Man Friday... Order of Merit

2011-02-11T15:06:00.014-05:00

My love of music came early. My parents listened to everything under the sun. Disco, R&B, Salsa, World Music (ala Fela Kuti), Calypso and Reggae...

Not only did we relax, kick back and listen but more often than not, we'd dance. We would push the coffee table aside in our livingroom, turn the lights down low, kick up our legs, jump-up jump-up, dance and prance to the sounds of great calypsonians such as Mighty Sparrow and Short Shirt. Other times we'd groove, prance around and rock to lazy reggae beats.

Robert Nesta Marley... I thought the man was family.

We had pictures of him in our photo albums. A large portrait of him hung in our hallway (right next to Jesus). Even now I have a Bob Marley picture on my desk at work and a small collection at home. On any given Friday or Saturday night we'd play, listen to and dance to Bob Marley and the Wailers for hours. It wasn't just for enjoyment, it was like religion, a form of release.

Later me and my friends would throw one of Bob Marley's vinyl's on the record player, march around the living room all the yelling "Woy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy, Woy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy Yoy!" singing right along with the record "Buffalo Soldier". I remember listening to "Positive Vibration" and thought "this reminds me of church"! Or when I heard the soulful organ shuffle on "Who The Cap Fit" and learned a life lesson... the ones closest to you can be the ones to betray you.

His words are brilliant, prolific and timeless. The message that resonated through my parents then, resonates through me now. Not all music lyrics are cross-generational. Surely I forget half of what I heard just yesterday but some words stand the test of time...

"The road of life is rocky and you may stumble too / So while you point your fingers someone else is judging you" ~ Could You Be Loved

“If you get down and quarrel everyday, you’re saying prayers to the devil, I say / Why not help one another on the way / Make it much easier" ~ Positive Vibration

"Life is one big road with lots of signs / So when you riding through the ruts, don't you complicate your mind / Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy! / Don't bury your thoughts; put your vision to reality, yeah!" ~ Wake Up and Live

There are the words delivered at his eulogy by Jamaican Prime Minister Edward Seaga :

"His voice was an omnipresent cry in our electronic world. His sharp features, majestic looks, and prancing style a vivid etching on the landscape of our minds. Bob Marley was never seen. He was an experience which left an indelible imprint with each encounter. Such a man cannot be erased from the mind. He is part of the collective consciousness of the nation."

And this quote from Bob Marley, OM himself. OM stands for Order of Merit and the order of merit's motto is:

"He that does the truth comes into the light". However controversial his life was or is documented to be, he has left a musical legacy continues to stir up and unite.

“My music will go on forever. Maybe it's a fool say that, but when mi know facts mi can say facts. My music will go on forever.”

Fine Man Friday...

2011-02-04T16:08:00.001-05:00

I'm drained. Mentally, physically... I have just been so fatigued. Besides weathering the elements, climbing over heaps of what was snow but is now ice... looking like something straight out of a sci-fi movie... I have helped my pastor to finish his doctoral thesis. I have toiled through many nights of writing and then worried about him completing his part. We crammed what should have taken 8 months to complete into 3 weeks. I. am. burnt. out.

That explains part of my absence...

I am in need of therapy, physical that is... I'm thinking massage (deep tissue) or perhaps vacation therapy (Bahamas) to escape the cold and the busyness...

I have heavily relied on my trusty companion, the MP3 player, which never leaves my side, nor does it fail me. I've been soothed, consoled and even wooed by the soulful sounds of my Fine Man Friday who has been on heavy rotation.

He's a Detroit singer, songwriter, producer and his vocals gets me through my days and comforts my nights... I smile when I listen to him sing Possible:

Question, can your smile, lead to my hello?
And my hello, lead to a first date?
And a first date lead to a "Can't wait to do it again!"
Ain't no pressure, we can't just let love develop
Get to know one another, from a sister to a brother
I'm just wonderin'

At work I bob my head and dance my "cubbie dance" to I'm Cheating or I Think I Love You or Find A Way and during my evenings I listen to Old Lovas or The Simpleness of Passion.

My Fine Man Friday for this week is:

Andwele Gardner

Also known as Dwele

Here's a song I found on YouTube... and it's simply adorable... "Trust that trust is the only thing that will keep your love from seeing rain" L.O.V.E

Fine Man Friday... A Drum Major

2011-01-14T15:36:00.000-05:00

I wanted to title this post The G.O.A.T... because my Fine Man Friday is one of the G.reatest O.rators of A.ll T.ime. I have read all and have listened to most of his speeches and his sermons... I love them, absolutely love them all. Sitting in church 52 Sundays a year (well almost 52) and some mid-week services too, I hear plenty of sermons. Some of them are soul stirring, soul reviving and some of them ...

But what I love and admire is that this man dedicated his life to ministry... the ministry of service, of encouragement, of unity, of equality, of hope.

I heard "The Drum Major Instinct" sermon years ago. Not sure exactly when or who the blogger was who posted it yet it rings true today. The Drum Major Instinct can lead to tragedy, particularly when it comes to relations... political, racial, economical... And recently we've seen The Drum Major Instinct at work... "I must be first." "I must be supreme." All the while spewing hatred and violence.

That's one facet... but should anyone choose to exercise their Drum Major Instinct, they should listen or read the words of a King...

Martin Luther King Jr.

I'd like somebody to mention that day that Martin Luther King, Jr.,

tried to give his life serving others.

I'd like for somebody to say that day that Martin Luther King, Jr.,

tried to love somebody.
I want you to say that day that I tried to be right on the war question.
I want you to be able to say that day that I did try to feed the hungry.
And I want you to be able to say that day that I did

try in my life to clothe those who were naked.
I want you to say on that day that I did

try in my life to visit those who were in prison.
I want you to say that I

tried to love and serve humanity.
Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major,

say that I was a drum major for justice.

Say that I was a drum major for peace.

I was a drum major for righteousness.

And all of the other shallow things will not matter.

I won't have any money to leave behind.

I won't have the fine and luxurious things of life to leave behind.

But I just want to leave a committed life behind.

And so he did.

Mary Christine Brockert (March 5, 1956 – December 26, 2010)

2010-12-28T16:06:00.000-05:00

I ain't gonna let you go that easy...
You've got to say you love me too...
I ain't gonna let you go that easy...
I'm gonna give it all to you...

Sleep in Peace Lady Tee...

his royal highness...

2010-12-19T13:13:00.030-05:00

i have seen plenty of artists in concert in my lifetime.

none of them could touch prince.

of course there is no comparison between all of the artists i've seen. each of them do their thing and do it well but prince is who he is and brings it as he does and there are just no words to describe how remarkable and talented he truly is.

he danced. he wowed the crowd. he shook his cute little ass. he told us when to and how to clap. he was engaging and oh so sexy.

he performed "adore", "insatiable", "scandalous", "if i was your girlfriend", "the bird" & "jungle love" (by the time). sheila e. joined him on stage and performed "glamorous life" and "love bizarre". he started with "let's go crazy", "1999", "delirious", "little red corvette", "kiss" and "take me with you" oh and i can't forget "beautiful ones".

prince performed purple rain, of course, and during his guitar solo, close to the end, i started thinking...

i love my profession. i love my job. i work at my church and i love that too. my 9 to 5 work comes easy to me. my church work comes very easy for me too. i have found my niche and my work simply flows out of me. sometimes i get a thank you, some show of gratitude, but most times i don't. and it doesn't bother me. i know that i do what i do because i offer service - in both of my jobs - and i do it well. millions of people are helped and blessed by what i do for my job and i enrich my community with my church work. i feel uncomfortable when people thank me for that sometime because i know what i offer is so beyond me and my capacity - it truly comes from God.

back to prince singing purple rain... the guitar is riffing, he's walking up and down the stage and playing. and he comes back to the mic and sings "you say you want a leader, but you can't seem to make up your mind, i think you better close it and let (not me) God guide you to the purple rain". i said to myself... he's doing it. he's living and doing what he has been called to do. he touches people with his gift and sound and words. his gift truly is God-given. no wonder he's so shy when people praise him. he can't possibly take all of the credit for that!

and then i cried. truthfully i wanted to let my bottom lip hang and allow my face to contort up uncontrollably as it does when i ugly cry, but i didn't.

there was something so soul-stirring about hearing purple rain. i love that song so much. but seeing it performed live. seeing prince perform it live. seeing prince play that guitar. hearing the strings and cords... i got chills and the 2 people next to me shook with chills too. there's a healing to be found in music and there's certainly a healing to be found in prince's music.

i hated to see him leave the stage. i was so upset that the house lights were up. i can tell he wanted to sing "nothing compares 2 u" for me. i know he did. and he wanted to perform "pop life" too. he actually came back while the house lights were up and performed another 4 songs. it was one of the most beautiful things i've witnessed.

i cried when i saw maxwell. he was performing the hell out of "pretty wings". but when i saw prince, i saw the one who inspired maxwell and that was freaking awesome!

fine man friday... he is legendary

2010-12-17T16:03:00.002-05:00

this man must be a slave to his craft... it is embedded in his very being, in it he lives, moves and breathes... he is one of the most talented men and for that he has earned the status: legendary...

i was introduced to him in 1979. and since then we have had an unwavering commitment. he is an artist that i love to love. he continues to write, record, produce and play... for me... and i continue to enjoy and hang onto every note, cord, word.

he feels for me, he told me that i'm the marrying kind, he wants to be my lover, my mother and my sister too... he has promised me that until the end of time, he'll be here for me, i own his heart and his mind, he truly adores me.

there is not a genre that he cannot capture... i believe the world is his influence and his inspiration. he's not just a funk or r&b or rock and he's more than simply a pop artist... last year as me and my friend DC drove from pennsylvania back to new york he serenaded us along the highways... out of my left eye i caught her laughing and i asked her why. she said, damn i didn't know he was a rapper too! yes my man, he's all that and then some.

when i heard he was coming to the north east i threw my request to the universe... well it was more than a request, i staked my claim when i said, "i am going to see prince in concert". that was back in november. sure enough one of my friends called me last night to tell me he and his wife bought our tickets and tonight i will scream and sing right along with prince at the izod center. i scoured my drawer to find the perfect pair of purple panties to fling at him... i didn't have any :-(

Prince Rogers Nelson

tonight is gonna be a good night for slow love... i did a post last year, If Prince Gave Me a Private Concert... and tonight... well the concert won't be private... but an experience i will be sure to remember for the rest of my days.

here is where i would post a prince song that i love... i love so many and it's hard to choose. i would put purple rain, anotherloverwholenyohead, or adore or do me baby or if i was your girlfriend and i cannot not put i wanna be your lover but i choose "g.o.d". love theme from purple rain. i chose this because my mother bought this because i loved prince even more after purple rain (the movie and the album) came out. i watched that movie a total of 96 times in one year. i have every line memorized and i could do that iwouldie4you move so good! this was something my mother probably stumbled upon... and the little 45 is even purple. i still have it though i don't own a turntable...

i am...

2010-12-15T18:31:00.001-05:00

HARD

at least i've been told that i am. i've been called brutish, mannish, mean. i've been called cold, harsh... a bitch. at times i curse like a sailor and sling insults without guilt. i can muster up all of the grit from my bronx streets in my vocals and unleash.

and i am surrounded by women just like me... my mama is hard, my friends are too. we have been told that we're mean, nasty... aggressive personalities.

yet a couple of weeks ago, while in a business meeting at my church, me and two other aggressive women sat in a circle grilling, mean-mugging and surely intimidating a potential employer,a male potential employer.. only to be punked. i thought for sure my poker face and cold interior would get us what we wanted. i knew that the older woman among us, the negotiator, would surely lay down the mandates and we'd win. i was convinced that the more aggressive woman, the louder and physically larger one of us would compel this man and he'd fall in line. he did not. what he did was he gave us his final terms, flipped his hands at our negotiations and was just about put his coat on and walk out of the meeting until we were forced to give in...

i won't go on to talk about how us three women and most of the women in my circle are single... i already mentioned how people and especially men call us mean... i was even called an alpha male by one prospect... now before i continue and conclude this post... this is not a whoa is me, i need a strong man who can handle this strong woman tirade... instead i recognize and aim to relinquish the need, want, desire, compulsion to be something i was not created to be. i admit that i am not always mean, sometimes the softer side of me shines through but i've been tough for so long. i've had to handle situations, assert myself in places, make decisions and a sturdy exterior has been produced... this recent incident made me realize that you can catch more flies with honey, not vinegar. we probably could have worked out a deal slightly skewed in our favor had we been a little more sweet tempered. and most of all, i realized that aggressive, to a real man, i really, REALLY a turn off - and this is not just to men. this tough girl can relax herself, the yin, can allow the yang to create balance...

this is one of my favorite songs... by a former "tough girl" mary j. blige...
here is "father in you"...

fine man friday... i've got a jones

2010-12-10T13:15:00.002-05:00

i really do... and you know what? joneses make you do things you don't normally do... make phone calls, wear certain types of clothing, go all kinds of places, do all kinds of things...

well this jones of mine... he's an older man. distinguished and debonair. he likes cognac and expensive cars and jazz... we have some things in common... some... but what moves me and what moves him are different... yet... i like that he likes what he likes... feel me?

some days me and my jones barely speak... and then other days we're talking and laughing endlessly... he is someone i feel for deeply... we are connected... we are friends... we haven't crossed the line of intimacy... and we probably never will... but then again heaven only knows... it's not necessary... like i said, we are connected... in a our phones are both busy because we're trying to call each other / we feel each other's gazes across a crowded room / we greet and talk with facial expressions and eye movements kind of a way...it's... special...

there is not much i can offer my jones... he already has everything he needs and he's picky about his wants... but every now and again i think of him and gift him with a little something... i was buying natalie stewart's floetic soul and a suggested choice appeared on the screen... amazon allows you to send mp3 downloads as a gift and i knew my jones would appreciate this...

my fine man friday is none other than...

Will Downing

my jones and will downing actually resemble each other... it's the dark skin and the bald head and they both seem to have a nice soothing baritone voice... below is a link for "a million ways"...

i'm listening to... the floacist

2010-12-09T16:04:00.000-05:00

*i recently downloaded some new music and so i've been listening all week....

i went to an open mic night back when malik yoba of new york undercover had a restaurant on 42nd street... all of the artists were seated around the restaurant and i sat next to one... the floacist i believe... she handed me a flyer right before they took to the floor - there was no stage... they tore the place up...

i loved the duo... i remember purchasing the 1st cd for cheap! had to be about $4.99... because it didn't do well... at first... and then they released "say yes", the radios started airing it and the cd price went right back up...

i thought that the songstress was the one who brought the flavor, the softer side... after all she is the singer... but i have listened to her solo venture and while i love her vocals still, there's a little something missing in the music...

the floacist has released her solo project floetic soul... she features artists raheem devaughn, musiq soulchild and, my favorite, lalah hathaway on three songs... the entire cd really is poetic and soulful... without the featured tracks this still would be good but the addition is just the seasoning this project needed...

what i like is that she kept true to what put floetry on the map... she has a song or two that features her rhymability and she's definitely skilled... and then there are some some songs that are really after9 tunes... the ones you throw on when you and your man or woman are done watching tv and talking...

here are 2 favorites below... "come over" featuring lalah hathaway and "need you"...
let me know what you think...

i'm listening to... georgia anne muldrow

2010-12-06T15:12:00.000-05:00

i first heard her vocals alongside erykah badu's on "master teacher" on the new amerykah part one release... and then i found out she is a songwriter, producer, and musician...
her music doesn't fit the bill of most songs, some are three minutes, some are only a minute and a half... some have hooks, some don't... most are spacey and dizzying like she might smokethatstuff and then bust out her pen and paper... i say that she is an acquired taste... those who dig georgia like jazz and funk and heavy beats and free-form... she's not your average soul singer...
when i need my balance back... i listen to georgia... when i'm tripping over someone or some issue and i find that i'm about to weaken... i put on georgia... there's something about the hardness of her beat or maybe it's her lyrics that speak to the heart of issues...
her "early" album, in my opinion, is her best! i have to say that if i were to introduce her to anyone, this is the album i would play. her essence is presented but it's softer and easier to digest while her older work is slightly more complex... i read that she recorded most of her tracks on the "early" album when she was in her late teens... i don't know why she has recently released them but as with most things, it was done right on time...

searching...

2010-12-02T16:14:00.000-05:00

one day while sitting at my desk... bored... tired of facebook... having read all of the current posts from my favorite bloggers, i set out to search for something new... what better way to find a fresh blog than to look at your own profile, click on one of the interests and see what comes up...

well... i did that very thing and found me... i found an alternative blog i created two years ago. i have very few posts on it because i was a little unsure of what i really wanted to do with it, what i wanted to say. it was supposed to be my raw, peeled back, uncut version... my heart lies within thewordsitype... i created this blog three years ago... out of sincere interest and free time and to have a venue to write freely... to vibe with other bloggers...

i have been journaling but i seldom revisit what i have written... sometimes i throw out my journals (after destroying them) because i feel that i have grown and there's no need to hold on to those thoughts... if i do come across a journal and i read it i feel slightly embarrassed to have had those thoughts and experiences... as if it really wasn't the true me experiencing them... so it was surprising to look back on the blog i created 2 years ago. it's interesting to see how i changed and how i really haven't changed... how my truth is really etched into my being and not just sitting on my surface, easy to be erased or rearranged... i still desire the same things... and the things i wanted to change, i did...

i suppose the reason why the other blog dropped off, it wasn't too much different from what i post here... just a parallel post with a slight bend to it...

Roy Ayers' "Searching"... you see my friend and i need someone / who feels and needs the same as i... i'm searchin'

post thankful day....

2010-11-29T14:48:00.002-05:00

*** i bought food... i was gonna whip up an elegant non-turkey thanksgiving feast with fresh fish, roasted carrots and potatoes, string beans, cornbread stuffing... but my laziness overcame me.

*** i went out wednesday night and brought home leftover chinese food so i had vegetable mei fun, spring rolls... along with some moscato spumanti!

*** i can't recall the tv program i was watching... i am sure the memory will return to me later but i do recall listening to the music backdrop and hearing corinne bailey rae singing "is this love". i didn't recall how i knew the song until a couple of minutes later. i've said this before, that i do not like remakes... yet this one almost fooled me... her version of bob marley's original is nice!

*** i made 2 moves on thursday... from the bedroom to the livingroom... it was a solitudinal day. i spoke with my friends and relatives but i wasn't motivated to move and it was just what i needed... in my quiet time i took a moment to reflect over the 11 months of 2010 and all that i had to be thankful of... food i didn't want to cook, shelter, a closet spilling with clothes and shoes, steam from the radiator, and lastly but certainly not least my loving family... i'm so blessed....

who i am digging...

2010-11-24T14:55:00.000-05:00

two weeks ago i sat in a forum listening to the gifted edwidge danticat, author of krik? krak!, a book of beautiful short stories detailing a war-torn haiti... when i first read krik? krak! 13 years ago, i was introduced to a haiti i never knew... a beautiful, lush, green island with a history deep and soulful... people with resilience and triumph etched in their bones... and i fell in love with her poetic style of writing.
i am hooked on edwidge and though some find her work to be a little dark... i find her to be riveting... engraved in her writings is perpetual empathy... i don't see "those haitian people" but a story of us... she has found a way of capturing and revealing the human spirit and connecting us all...
a fellow in the audience asked her to write about the beauty of haiti, to flip her stories into something more colorful and lifting... and her response was "that is not my story to tell but it seems like it's yours. you write about a colorful and lifting haiti. write the stories you want to read".
she is a strong advocate for issues surrounding haiti... much like wyclef jean, she loves and cherishes her island... her pride is estimable...

last night... i sat in that same forum listening to zadie smith... now i have to admit right here that i have not read through a zadie smith novel. i have picked up, borrowed white teeth, on beauty and autograph man from the library but can't seem to get past page 100... but i dig her and my email is set to track her so i receive updates and read her book reviews and articles... i used to have her picture on my desk at work... one day my co-worker/cut buddy asks me if i was crushing her and i had to admit that i was... see zadie is october born, just like me... we were born in the same year... and she published her first novel the same year i graduated with my bachelor's degree... something about her seems so cool... so yeah, she's my girl-crush...
i thought i would have a problem listening to her interview because she has a british accent and when they get to talking freely it could very well sound as if she's speaking a foreign language but i did all right and her interview was perfect. she spoke eloquently and read that crafty feeling, an article she wrote on her writing process.
in her interview she said that writers are always reading. they don't mind waiting for a friend they are meeting because they will always have time to read. they measure time by how much they will be allowed to read... she was funny and sarcastic... a lover of english literature and america's hip-hop and that just made me like her all the more...

fine man friday... driis

2010-11-19T15:23:00.000-05:00

2 Black 2 Strong... Hold On... Rise Up... Please Be True... Best That I Can... Extraordinary Love... Absolutely... Family... these are all songs on his High Class Problems debut release.

he's an actor... he's got a sexy british accent that i hope he never loses even though he's mastered an american accent... but he's also a rapper... and a singer... and on some of his tracks he sounds like he's originally from the jungles (pronounced jung-les) of jamaica as opposed to canning town, east london...

i like this one particular song where the sexy soul singer side of him sings... let your guard down... let this brother enter... your private garden... oooh can i assist you with your problems girl... let me show you a way to celebrate your life... i will be gentle with you baby... just let me show you... i won't hurt ya...

the song is private garden
and the sexy soul singer is

Idrissa Akuna Elba... aka Idris Elba / Alter Ego... Driis

fine man friday... love jones

2010-11-05T09:35:00.036-04:00

Say baby, can I be your slave

I've got to admit girl, you're the shit girl

And I'm diggin' you like a grave

Now do they call you daughter to the spinning pulsar

Or maybe Queen of 2,000 moons

Sister to the distant, yet risin' star

Is your name Yemaya

Oh hell nah, it's got to be Oshun

Oooh, is that a smile me put on your face child

Wide as a field of Jasmine and Clover

Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money

High on legs that'll spank Jehovah

Shit, who am I?

It's not important

But they call me Brother to the Night

And right now

I'm the blues in your left thigh

Tryin' to become the funk in your right

He was O-Dog in Menace II Society - the street hustler that we all hated and loved... Drew Tate in The Inkwell - the potential arsonist who comes of age in Martha's Vineyard... Anthony Curtis in Dead Presidents - The Vietnam Vet turn armored truck robber ... but when he played Darius Lovehall in Love Jones... his character was oh so sincere and sexy...

This week's fine man Friday is....

Larenz Tate

I didn't see Love Jones when it came out in 1997. I must have been busy or something because I didn't get a chance to see the flick until I bought the DVD in 2008... right when my last relationship ended... right when I was seeking solitude and balance... right when I needed my faith in love restored...

This is a quote from LT's facebook page:

"Whether in a mainstream film or cult classic hit, I try to stay true to my personal mission of striving for excellence. As an actor, writer, and activist, I apply that same dedication to every aspect of my life."

Larenz aka LT has played in quite a few movies, but nothing touches me like Love Jones... the fact that the movie has a sweet combination of romance, intellect and sexiness makes this a Friday-night-I-have-no-plans, Nothing-good-is-on-cable, 3rd-date-let-me-feel-this-man-out-and-see-if-he-also-digs-this-flick kinda staple. And Larenz, hands down, delivers one of his best performances...

The link below is the Loves Jones flashback from this year's BET Awards... could Larenz be even more finer? Wheeew!

BET Videos

rainbows and such...

2010-10-26T17:34:00.002-04:00

i really do appreciate the little things, such as:
hello/good morning/good evening/or a compliment from a stranger...
"thank you" for a job well done...
a quiet day at work...
watching butterflies...
good and creamy vanilla ice cream...
warm days and crisp nights...
hot tea - no milk, no sugar...
homemade mashed potatoes...
coffee with milk and sugar...
autumn leaves...
reggae music...
the steel drum...
good reading...

but... sometimes we get so caught up... so clouded... so run down that we can't even see the little things.
about a month ago i was leaving work, en route to church and i was running. running to the one train, to another train and then finally a bus that would get me closer to church with very little walking. i was hoping that each mode of transportation arrived on time, in sync so that i would get to my destination timely. when i got to the bus, my last transfer, (YES!) the bus was on time and as i began to board, my friend kept telling me to look up and i ignored her. finally i did and lo and behold there was the biggest, boldest, most beautifullest rainbow. i would not have seen it. i would have gotten on the bus and worried about the time but i am sure i would not have looked up.

i am glad i did.

it had been raining like crazy and that evening we finally had a break in the weather. the sky was perfect and blue and God had gifted His children with a beautiful rainbow. in the midst of my life and my running and trying to do and be so much, that rainbow signified that everything is always going to be all right...

fine man friday...

2010-10-22T14:54:00.000-04:00

"Since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman. I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think its time we killed for our women,

be real to our women,

try to heal our women..."

this week's fine man friday is...

tupac amaru shakur

Lesane Parish Crooks... 2Pac... 2Pacalypse... Pac... Makaveli... when Tupac hit the scene in the 90s with his flat top hair style, his intriguing eyes and a smile that melts the heart, he won me over. He was known for his controversial lyrics and lifestyle and though his rhymes consisted of explicit lyrics, one thing I always felt about Tupac is that... he loved women.

He sang about his love in songs like "Dear Mama" and "Keep Your Head Up" and in
Tupac: Resurrection, 1971-1996 he states "I love women. I'm not going to lie, I love women with a passion. Sometimes I just wanna call up Prince and be like "can we hang?", cuz I love women like he loves women."

Now why he had to go and add Prince to his mix?

There's more I can add about Tupac... for he was known for more than loving women but... loving community...
"We talk a lot about Malcom X and Martin Luther King Jr, but It's time to be like them, as strong as them. They were mortal men like us and everyone of us can be like them. I don't want to be a role model. I just want to be someone who says, this is who i am, this is what i do. I say what's on my mind."

and loving people...
"You gotta make a change. It's time for us as a people to start making some changes, let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so its on us, to do what we gotta do to survive."

He loved... and he thought it not punk nor puny but manly. He professed his love, openly and often and I appreciate him for it.

I end this post with a poem he wrote titled Jada...

u r the omega of my heart

the foundation of my conception of love

when i think of what a black woman should be

it's u that i first think of

u will never fully understand

how deeply my heart feels 4 u

i worry that we'll grow apart

and i'll end up losing u

u bring me 2 climax without sex

and u do it all with regal grace

u r my heart in human form

a friend i could never replace

fine man friday...

2010-10-15T15:00:00.002-04:00

eventually i may come up with a better term than "fine man friday" but for the time being, that's the tag i'm giving it... fridays are my days to pay homage to the fine men i like to look at... perhaps i'll add a little content like i did a couple of years ago with my chocolate brown brother/brown brother lust week...

the fine man i've chosen for this friday is....

Lonnie Rashied Lynn, Jr. AKA Common Sense- now known simply as Common

image location:
http://www.last.fm/music/Common/+images/27135681

a circle of sisterhood

2010-10-13T15:36:00.000-04:00

this past weekend i had the pleasure and privilege of being surrounded by my sisters in faith. we traveled to sandy cove ministries in northeast, maryland and i excitedly looked forward to retreating from the monotony of the everyday... responsibilities and engagements.

the focus of our retreat was to rediscover our dreams and our long lost plans. like little girls, literally, we crafted... cutting out pictures from magazines and creating vision boards. we examined the negative scripts we mentally repeat, the negative people in our lives and we assembled forward plans to aspire.

i awoke to remarkable sunrises and basked in break-taking sunsets... i sat quietly by the water just breathing and thinking and being... i was spoiled beyond belief by the freedom to just relax...

we sat in circles and shared our stories... stories of sadness and triumph. we cried... we released... we got angry... we prayed... we laughed and as the weekend ended we rejoiced.

i remember a time when my women friendships were few... when i had more men as friends than women... when my thinking was that women were catty and men were simply cool... and while some women are catty, my circle of friends is more feminine than masculine and i love it.

this past weekend we were both inspired and inspiring... another group from another church heard our joyous resounding and came over to witness. when they saw us women, old and young, clapping and singing, crying and dancing, they gave us their contact information and told us to notify them anytime we did anything because they wanted to be part of the number... that has been one of our visions... to touch women globally.

last summer i traveled to visit my friend and we came upon a circle of women. he said something like hmmm, that doesn't look good, must be some man-bashing taking place in that circle and i responded telling him that women, when gathered in circles, aren't even thinking about men! it is about sharing, growing, healing...

over the weekend i grew a little and some of my wounds were healed. i received clarity and my dreams of writing and publishing were reawakened. 5 years ago i earned my master's degree and turned 30 and i felt like i had done everything i was supposed to do, i felt complete. but in these past 5 years i've been feeling a need to do something new... and now my wheels are in motion to do just that...

earn my affection...

2010-10-05T18:28:00.001-04:00

i was set up... well not really... rather one of my friends tried her hand at match making. i think she really did it to get me back into the blogging groove but according to her messages she thought he'd be good for me or me for him...

i was reluctant. for several reasons. my focus, right now, isn't on meeting anyone new or developing anything serious. my match-maker has only seen about 2 people that i have dated, 2 very different men... so i was wondering who in the world would she pick for me. i have never been set up before so that right there is a reason for me to hesitate. lastly, in her initial message, she didn't give me a lot to go on. she gave me his name, his number and told me he's a really cool guy, he's really nice, she wouldn't steer me wrong...

hmmmm...

well there's not much to tell about the set up because the set up fizzled... however, i learned a little more about myself through this experience.

i broke one of my cardinal dating rules... i took the first step. look here, i am not the pursuer. i am not the one who makes initial contact. call me old-fashioned or whatever but i have my ways and my way is allowing the man to pursue. to appease my friend and stop the text blasts, i contacted him first. he followed up but he really wasn't saying anything... which made me wonder if he was interested in being set up at all. i made another attempt... "a getting to know you attempt" and i was left looking at my keyboard with a questioning look. by the third message i knew her endeavor was in vain...

i am not cut out for the new age of dating... texting, messaging... no, ummm... call me! let's set a date, let's meet. while we may not have ended up in wedded bliss, we very well could have had a good first date. i explained to both her and him that i had a busy schedule but no effort was made to place a call, hear a voice or even meet face-to-face. i found it odd but not weird in today's social networking climate...but the time it takes to send a message and then wait for it's arrival is just too much time wasted, for me... i know email and other messaging techniques are instantaneous however a phone conversation is way quicker.

you gotta get me at hello... time is of the essence and at this stage of my life, my patience level is almost nonexistent. i did say i'm not looking to be in a relationship so for me to be interested, the man has got to perform a cartwheel, a flip, a magic trick - from the jump! well not literally but there has to be a little something, a wow factor, to captivate me.

it starts in way someone greets me... a hello, how are you? beats a hey, what's up? any day. the getting-to-know-you questions should be stimulating and inviting... producing more questions and more conversation... to establish similarities and things in common... that didn't happen.

and finally...

after the intros have been made... allow the chips to fall where they may... i am not a fan of set ups because there's seemingly a third party in the mix hovering, wondering how everybody is dealing. in my experience of "no dealing", the third-partier wanted to find out what happened, what went wrong... and then she felt responsible and apologized when she heard my side and i'm sure she apologized to him once she heard his... see that middle-woman figure wasn't good for me.

i could be overly critical, burned by relationships past, scrutinizing and skeptical... my energy alone could have stunted the possibility... maybe i just didn't give it a chance... perhaps...

yet...

i am reminded of a song that i think is fitting for this... a song by amel larrieux called "earn my affection"...

"you got to earn my affection / put your back into it / before we get this show on the road / don’t make me lose all my self respect / I ain’t desperate yet so / come on now stop actin’ out and act like you know"

in solitude...

2010-09-30T23:54:00.000-04:00

if the life expectancy is still seventy years of age, then in the next five days i am embarking upon mid-life...
i expected the excitement and the thrill of reaching this milestone to engross me... i expected to celebrate my b'earthday with a big shebang with my friends... with my love... parties... las vegas... dinners and the like...

however as my day approaches, i'm not really in the party mood. i do not want to go to a club. a trip to vegas does not agree with my pocketbook and while my friends are eager to help me celebrate, my b'earthday is really about me, not them.

i questioned myself and my mental... could i be slightly depressed? feeling that my life has not quite met my expectations, am i full of regret? am i quietly reluctant about turning 35 and therefore hesitant to celebrate?

now right here is where i can begin the lie and say that i am rejoiceful and excited. i can write that i can't wait to see what awaits me for the next 35. i am positive and forward thinking and openly expectant... but i'm telling you... that would be a lie.

i question the choices i have made. and while i am forward thinking, i am also wondering... am i happy with my life choices? am i saving enough money? given the time and chance, what will i do differently? what can i do better? and in my examination of me i suppose the pleasure of celebration has departed...

at 34 years and 360 days of age... i do not have regrets. i really could have handled myself and some people differently but i know that everything in my life is as it should be. the people, my family and friends, are divinely placed. i have lived... i mean i have liveded and i am, overall, pleased with my choices.

if i am blessed to, i will be sure celebrate many more b'earthdays with fanfare. i will finally visit vegas and paris, rio and johannesburg. i will throw myself or possibly someone will throw me big surprise b'earthday bashes. i will buy my first home and my first car (it is so not necessary to drive in nyc). i embrace that i have some more living and learning and loving to do but when the clock strives twelve on year thirty-five, i will gratefully celebrate my life just as it is (which in truth is full of content and peace and plentiful blessings)...

i will enjoy myself in solitude...

note from the universe

2010-09-27T18:17:00.000-04:00

i received this note from the universe just the other day and it has ruminated in my mind since... i just had to share it...

******

What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased?

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged?

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless?

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what?
The Universe

What if this was a forever dance, and you and I were forever partners?

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®

book love

2010-09-08T22:33:00.003-04:00

wench... that's the book i went into the library looking for. it's my book club selection for the month and as i always do, i read it close to the meeting time ~~because i'm a procrastinator~~ so i can remember the details.

i bought the last book we read (the other wes moore) and while i enjoyed it, buying books is not my thing. libraries are funded to buy books and they offer free lending privileges. i support local libraries. it's funny though... sharing is not one of my strengths. i don't like sharing good food (especially a delicious chunk of chocolate cake), i am a little freer with sharing my money, strongly opposed to sharing a man! but i find joy in being able to share books.

i scan the "new book" shelves. i don't see wench but i do remember the book that i saw on my last visit and decide to pick it up. i know the title. i know the authors.

it's not on the "new book" shelves as it was the last time i was here but i am not thwarted. i know where they keep the mystery fiction and i head to those shelves but for some reason i can't remember the author's name. in my mind i'm saying "he's that dude on the cover of essence for this month, that dude from "in treatment", damn! he's married to my old co-worker's sister - something dacosta. i know the names of the co-authors - tananarive due and her hubby steven barnes - but i know the book will be under his name. damn!" i say the title out loud from capetown with love and like magic his name slips off of the tip of my tongue...

blair underwood

i almost did a two-step when i found the book on the shelf with the call number MYSTERY FIC U (U for underwood) as i knew it would be and i quickly head to the self check-out. i read the other 2 books in tennyson hardwick series - casanegra and in the night of the heat and after reading the last mystery fiction by walter mosley known to evil, i am still in the mood...

i skipped and/or levitated to the train heading home. as soon as i found a comfortable place to stand :-( i opened the book. i liked it instantly. after the dedications, after the quotes, there is a suggested mp3 soundtrack list in the book. what?!?! good music to go with my reading pleasure! i smiled.

maxwell, jill scott, the o'jays, sy smith, marvin gaye, alicia keys, india arie and other artists are suggested - i'm hyped and as i turn page one of the prologue, i notice that the pages are stuck... usually that's repulsive - not knowing what was on the previous reader's fingers but in this case the pages are stuck because it appears as if this book is NEW.

it may not seem like much but i treasure the little things... and for me this lightly read/new book sitting on the shelf of the busiest circulating library in the city is a small fortune.

to all de peoples...

2010-09-03T17:18:00.001-04:00

summer is not over... sure it may be september and the children go back to school... if they haven't already gone back... but it's a hot time in nyc for all de peoples...

i am so excited about the west indian american day parade that takes place every labor day on eastern parkway in brooklyn.

the party actually begins with events on thursday straight through to monday with bands playing, people dancing, everybody celebrating...

the parkway gets crowded and it's best to get there early, pick your spot and get ready to jam all day. for 43 years west indians, any and everybody of african descent has gather to jump up and wine to soca and calypso... carnavaaal music!

as for me.. i'll be on de parkway too, waving mi flag!!!

The flag of Antigua & Barbuda

because i love it so, here's two soca songs... i hope you enjoy! and wine too! ;-Denjoy a wonderful labor day weekend!

aaliyah

2010-08-25T13:45:00.004-04:00

this angelic singer with a baggy b-girl style, had ladies across the land rocking their long black hair (real or purchased) over one eye… well i know i did… this slim lady with abs that were highly admired and enviable. she held the poise of someone who r. kelly sang about in his song homie, lover, friend. she was pre-ciara, pre-alicia, pre-keri... pre-beyonce.

aaliyah transitioned from this life nine years ago today… i always remember where i was when i heard the news… laying in my bed, listening to the radio and hoping that hot97 was reporting a rumor… i remember how devastated my nephew felt. he thought that everyone lived to be old, nobody died when they were young....

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

give me the original of anything. i appreciate the real, not the duplicated... i just find that the redone is usually sub-par... but i have stumbled something that i feel is a gem.

aaliyah revisited is a collaboration album released by soul culture this time last year to commemorate aaliyah… with artists like jesse boykins III, marsha ambrosius and sy smith… a few not so mainstream artists… they have redone some of aaliyah’s hits. jesse boykins III has a voice like butter… as my mother would say… his voice is smooth and wispy-like… and when he sings I care 4 u my insides melt like butter…

if it was possible to "neo-soul" aaliyah, it has been done with this project... and it can be downloaded for free! just by clicking here...

http://www.thisisrealmusic.com/articles/40809/soul_culture_uk-aaliyah_revisited.php

RIP Aaliyah Dana Haughton (January 16, 1979 - August 25, 2001)

through the seasons...

2010-08-13T17:55:00.000-04:00

he played sade for me... he knows how i love sade... if i'm pissed i throw on sade and chill. he knows my favorite song. he said "if that didn't work i was gonna put on anita"...

he made the drive to new york. after months of let-downs and angry words, he appears at my door saturday afternoon with flowers, eyes filled with sincerity and a cd to play sade. i am quick to anger and slow to forgive. i am hardened by the months that we've been apart.

we talked face-to-face. it bothered me to end our relationship over text messages, email and telephone but i did it anyway. however after seeing him and being in his presence, i forgave him. slowly the anger melted from me. slowly love wrapped its way around my words and my facial expressions. slowly, i forgave him, he forgave, we communicated straight from our hearts.

our loveship is different. it's special. we have known each other since we were teens. we lost touch for a while but when we reconnected, we fell into a familiar rhythm, it felt so right, it felt complete. i love him, i have always loved him and he loves me.

this wasn't a kiss and make-up session - it was truth-telling, harsh but honest. at the end of our conversation we discovered that all we really want is to be happy. for months everything seemed so complicated, clouded and perplexed, yet in an instant, everything became clear again, light and revived... that's what truth-telling will do.

i'm not his lady, he's not my dude, we don't count the days, months or years, we just are...we are friends, we are mates, i don't own him and he doesn't own me... this could end next week or it could last a lifetime.

i love him with an open heart... i don't want to control him and he doesn't want to control me... as he was leaving i told him "let's not pretend"... our attraction and affection has always been effortless... if we cannot be genuine with each other, then we should allow nature to have its way... simple... i did find that when i allowed love to govern, when i surrendered my ego and allowed love to quietly reign, he reflected that love right back to me...

we're not over... but we didn't peddle backwards... we put our issues to bed... we moved forward...

*artwork: sweet magnola by jared small

random words i type...

2010-08-10T15:39:00.000-04:00

~i had a great day yesterday. i played hookie from work and i took my babies out to coney island. someone gave us baseball tickets and after the game i took them over to the amusement park side so they could get on a few rides.

~yeah the brooklyn cyclones beat the connecticut tigers!!!

~it was hot! and i believe that i am a shade darker... on top of my bermuda tan.

~i love and miss the coney island of my youth. as a child, my parents and their peeps would gather us kids and we'd head out to coney island on the D-train. it seemed like forever until we got there.

~ice cream, nathan's hot dogs, seafood for my parents, colorful lollipops and cotton candy... i can't forget my favorite rides and the spook house... some of the old rides and the spook house are still standing and still in service... not me. then we'd take D-train back home and i'd fall right asleep before we hit brooklyn bridge - oh the fun.

~i talk a lot... sometimes too much and sometimes i state some very profound sayings... the problem is, i don't remember none of it.

~i see it, i can feel it, my hand sometimes grips it but i shall not open pandora's box.

~if i don't remember the words coming out of my mouth... does that mean i don't really mean them? hmmm

~i had this pain for many months - could have been for about a year. knee pain. disturbing, crippling, painful pain... and last week the pain went away. just like *snap* that.

~i love that my children have personality. i had a permanent grin on my face all yesterday. they gave "evil words of encouragement" to the opposing team. we all danced (to this and i thought of your post KayC!) and we did the cha-cha slide... all in the noon day sun.

~took me a whole week to stop favoring my right knee. i had to realize that i can now stand without the stiffness, walk up the stairs without putting my weight on my left leg first and that i could run down the stairs again. every time i move with some speed, pain free, i say THANK YOU.

~i am loving this season of true blood... alcide... alcide... if you're a true blood watcher then you'll know i am summoning the sexy were (as in werewolf).

~persistence overcomes resistance... that's the saying, right? well persistence is turning into annoyance with this chick from work who is trying to hit on me...

~nope - that's not the pandora's box that i sometimes embrace.

~i joined a book club with a friend from high school and we're reading "the other wes moore" very interesting.

~i need to finish this book by saturday night. i am on page 16.

~i think it's a good book but my mind isn't clear....

~i saw wes moore when i went to the harlem book festival last month... where i also met blogger CapCity... and i saw and spoke with my one of my favorite authors Bernice McFadden... and i saw Terry McMillan and Sonia Sanchez. what an awesome day it was... as dc's aunt would say... "it was so intelligent".

untitled...

2010-08-04T15:00:00.000-04:00

her and her husband had been arguing. "little things", "stupid things" she told me. i understand bits of what she tells me due to her heavy russian accent. "something's wrong with him, i'm taking him to the hospital, i don't know what it is but my husband is not my husband". that's what she told me right before i went on vacation. when i returned back to work, she was sitting shiva. her husband of 33 years committed suicide.

her cubby is diagonal from mine and i look over my right shoulder periodically just to make sure she's "here". today she's not. she tells me "i thought i was going to get better but i'm only getting worse". i worry about her but i have yet to find words to console her. it pains me that all i have offered her is a hug or a warm hand on her arm.

when i came back to work, silly me, i kept giving her the sad face... the i-know-you're-going-through-and-so-i'm-going-to-show-you-my-miserable face. i didn't realize why she kept avoiding me until i saw another co-worker giving her the same face. i quickly corrected myself.

when she returned to work, i knew that she wanted to get back to normal. she wanted to be around her friends, her co-workers and her work to prevent her from thinking about her grief... but her managers gave her even more grief by telling her that her performance was off, she was here but not here, not realizing that she needed time to cope. they took 15 minutes away from her annual time because she left work at 9:45 on the morning her husband died. some folks are incredibly insensitive... and that's putting it lightly.

however, she has a strong support system. plenty of children, grandchildren and her close friends. one of our co-workers, who is a good friend of hers, bought her a cat. she named the cat after her husband's nickname.

it is my hope that she becomes stronger daily... that she and her entire family find peace. at some point in our lives we've all sat on the front pew of a church or funeral home... some of us have sat shiva... all of us have mourned... and i pray that my fellow co-workers, her supervisors, find compassion and offer it to her...

dance... and other things...

2010-08-02T13:29:00.000-04:00

when i was in my teens, my parents separated. my mother became depressed but it didn't last for long and i have marvin gaye to thank for that. somehow, some way my mother either bought or was given the entire marvin gaye music collection. on friday nights, my mother would throw on her cds, sip on some brown juice and relax. eventually those friday nights became dance nights for us. it started with her showing me how to do the "hitch hike". after that, we had a new routine on fridays, she'd throw on the marvin and we'd move to "pride and joy", "stubborn kind of fellow", "hitch hike", and "grape vine".

1st thing saturday morning my mother called. she was frantic. one of her locs popped and she was ready to cut off her hair, which is midway to her waist. she had no idea where the loc broke off from but she screamed in the phone "if you don't get here with a solution, i'm taking the scissors to my head, i swear". i knew she was lying, just peeved that her hair was breaking so i went over to her place. after washing and treating her hair, she was happy again. so with that, i threw on some marvin gaye, grabbed my mom and we hit the living room floor.

it wasn't easy. my mother didn't want to dance. half way through the 1st song and she was done. by the end of the 2nd song, she went to shut off the stereo. i danced the 3rd song by myself and she joined me for the 4th and 5th songs. we twirled and dipped. i grabbed her around the waist and we joined hands for one number but then she pushed me away so she could dance solo. it was great to see my mom move and laugh and have fun.

when i was prompted by my sister KayC to dance on national day of dance (july 31st), i eagerly agreed, not really realizing that i ain't as young as my heart feels and my body is slightly stiff from inactivity. after dancing those 5 songs, all i wanted was a shower and two motrin.

my homie CB is my party partner. hip-hop, r&b, reggae, soca - i can count on her to be my dance companion. it just so happens that my partner is home recovering from surgery. we read KayC's baila! post together last monday and she touted her lips as she told me that i can't go dancing because she can't go dancing. i laughed at her as i facebooked my homie from high school who wanted someone to join her at club fantasy on saturday.

as i finished errands on saturday and had a moment to rest my bones, i got a text from CB "urgh i'm bored". as much as i'm cool with my high school friend, she's not my ace. CB also has the best soca music collection. so i put on my black leggings, my hot pink shirt and my sensible sandals and headed to CB's. i promised to bring her some walter mosley books, some sparkling moscato and i picked up some cod fish fritters and ginger beer to cheer her up. as soon as i walked in the door, i asked her to throw on the soca cd with the song where the woman sings about deep sea diving... all CB could do was chair dance but me, her mom and her dad whine up and whine dung low all tru deh living room. we danced and sweated, sipped some moscato and ate and then we danced and sweated some more.

sundays are my usual dance days... and so the pahty continued last night with caribbean fever... i thank my sister KayC who double-dared me! i released a lot this weekend and dancing was my instrument!

real or imagined - a repost & revamp...

2010-07-29T10:30:00.002-04:00

I have a friend who was in love with Jay-Z. Not just like being a fan and having every album, poster or t-shirt with his face on it. Even more than that. She was in a relationship with him, yet, she never met him...

She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up. If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real. I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.

Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.

**********

I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined?

Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before. I wrote this post before. I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments. And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.

Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love

versatile... whatcha call me?!?!

2010-07-27T10:39:00.001-04:00

adaptable, all-around, universal, multipurpose, well-rounded, able, ace, adept, experienced, expert, masterful, skilled, skillful; adjustable, alterable, changeable, elastic, flexible, fluid, malleable, modifiable, variable

i want to thank sister kayc for awarding me... she is a truly beautiful and gifted woman - versatility personified. over at thoughts from the quietstorm you will find the writings of a straightforward, to-the-point woman whose got roots, she shares her stories with honesty and with such strength... i especially enjoy her random thunderstorms and storm breakers...

as a recipient of the versatile blogger award, i must provide seven random facts about myself...

1. i have an eye for error... which is a good and a bad thing... it is good for my work because i spend most of my day troubleshooting resources and i need to identify problems quickly and accurately. i see when words are misspelled or when something, an object, is out of place i spot it right-away but it can also be a bad thing because i also see when behaviors change... you know... inconsistencies...

2. i've been called a proverbs 31 woman... and while i take it as a compliment... that woman does not sleep! truth is, sometimes neither do i. the proverbs 31 woman is a mother, a wife, an entrepreneur, she's a giver and while a couple of her qualities i do not possess, i don't allow idleness to settle within me... well i can't really because there's always work to do!

3. i do hair... therefore i'm a... hair-doer... not quite a stylist, in fact i wouldn't even label myself but i love hair and i love braiding it, twisting it, playing in it. i have been known to apply relaxers, cut hair into styles, barber, twist locs - however i prefer to do hair that is coarser to the touch.

4. i am a closet, amateur, seamstress... there is very little that i buy, as far as clothing goes, that i like off the rack, so i alter it. i say amateur because i don't like to sew and i don't own a sewing machine (yet!) so i cut, pin and then take my creations to my tailor. a sewing machine is on the way though because i can save a whole lotta money doing the alterations myself...

5. i would love to learn how to make wine... i remember one christmas my auntie p made some peach wine. me and my cousins sat around and drank that wine until we were sloppy drunk. i'm confident that a wine business could be in my future... should i choose to pursue one.

6. in addition to being a librarian, a church secretary, and an all-round versatile woman, i would like to pursue full-service spa ownership. spinderella from the rap group salt-n-pepa used to own a spa called "she things", it was awesome. my favorite spas to date are dorit baxter in nyc and serenity aveda salon in ft. lauderdale, florida but the one i will pattern mine after is cynergy. there used to be harlem location and i enjoyed their ambiance and that inspired me.

7. in the dorit baxter spa they have these adorable self-help books by handbag honeys and i would like to have these types of books in my spa. since the handbag honeys don't seem to be in print anymore... perhaps these cute little treasures are still in demand and not only could i be the spa owner but also the author of the newer, up-to-date and ummm ethnic-influenced... titles...

now I must award another fifteen bloggers... the future recipients are to thank and link back to the one who gave you the award, share seven facts about yourself, and then nominate fifteen others who you think are versatile. i know that i know more than fifteen who are versatile, however i shall award...

luv...
gc (god's child)...
25champ...

can i be your baby daddy?

2010-07-26T15:11:00.003-04:00

june 25th and 26th, yes two days in a row, i went to madison square garden. i had tickets to hear, to see, to feel maxwell.

when i heard he was coming to NYC, i booked my ticket for the show on the 25th. the romantic side of me wanted to buy two, one for me and one for my cat daddy, but my realistic side told me to go solo.

it was only after i was seated that i felt a little alone but when maxwell came out on the stage, it became a private experience that i was so glad i went all by myself.

maxwell did not disappoint! his energy levels were high as he sang and danced to his newer music and some of his old hits... and when the ~~not so~~ impromptu thong panties hit the stage and he wrapped them around the microphone and simulated something sexual with them thangs, i couldn't help but say out loud... "damn maxwell, you nasty".

he opened with "sumthin sumthin" and closed with... "pretty wings"... and in between he rocked us with "reunion", "til the cops come knockin'", "lifetime", "stop the world", "bad habits", "drowndeep: hula" and other hits... but when he sang "this woman's work" he asked the ladies in msg can i be your baby daddy? all of the women went carazy!

jill scott opened for him on friday night... i always try to catch jill when she comes to ny but i've been missing her lately... i fall deeper and deeper in love with her art with every concert appearance. she sang her older songs and something new to come. i was blown away. she was the perfect appetizer for the main course... she definitely got the ladies warmed up, feeling feminine and sexual and beautiful as she sang "golden", "he loves me", "hate on me", "long walk", and a new joint "i love you".

that was friday...

my mom happens to be an employee of madison square garden and got tickets for saturday's show... she was going to give me the tickets but i insisted that she go with me. my mother is a homebody like my girl DC, in fact, i joke with them both that DC is truly my mother's off-spring... so on saturday my mother got dressed and we hit the town... tell me why my mother looked younger than me? she loved the show! she danced when maxwell danced and screamed as he wooed the women with his lyrics.

my soul-sista erykah opened on saturday night with songs from her new cd new amerykah: part two return of the ankh... "20 feet tall", "ummm hmmm" and my favorite "out my mind, just in time" but she didn't sing "window seat". :-( while her performance is always on point and thrilling to me, she wasn't the right fit... not the same level of sexy... no where near the same level of energy as jill scott and maxwell. i enjoyed her though, a true fanatic i am. she also sang her older songs... "me", "the healer", "on&on", "no love" and my other favorite "i want you".

all in all... maxwell dazzled me... i still get a little woozy when i think about how he performed and how my left eye swole with tears... i beam on the inside part. you know how you see the footage of women swooning and falling out at old michael jackson concerts or even elvis? i almost felt like that... almost.

breaking fast... summer vacation 2010

2010-07-22T14:55:00.004-04:00

i was away. i took a very short flight to a small tropical island, BERMUDA! i booked my vacation back in march and looked forward to heading to a relaxing vacation spot for the 4th of july... with none other than my frenemy DC. there's not another person that i would vacation with but the minute that vacation begins, i'm wondering what in the hell i'm doing...

i don't trust her with my camera. she takes the WoRsT pictures... do you see her side-eyeing the camera? well back before digital cams, i actually took the worst pics because i always had my finger over the lense but DC will cut your head off. just crazy. this is us walking in newark airport...

she had just warned me to put the camera away, i looked too touristy and no one takes pics on the plane... well i like to snap photos so i snuck this one in...

this is me walking on the tarmac. i've never walked on tarmac before. i was hyped... i'm walking like the president does... but i'm also tired. bermuda is only a little over an hour away and i thought i was gonna catch a nap but noooo dc doesn't like to see anybody sleeping.

we'd just passed customs. if you've ever or never traveled to bermuda, they don't like you bringing NOTHING onto their island. if you do, it can't total more than $30 or so dollars in value. well... we sneaky folks packed our stuff and we got the items through.

this is dc's cousin, he's a native bermudian and we stayed with him... bermuda is one expensive island. their summers are our summers since they are a little off the coast of the carolinas and during peak season the price of a hotel room is ridiculous. i like dc's cousin... he's tall, he's fine and he carries bags!

me again... in the back of dc's cousin's car thinking... "THESE CARS ARE TIGHT"... bermuda is so small and they drive these special mini vehicles like the smart car, fords, peugeots, bmws... but they might as well all be smart cars! they are smaller than the average small. and since they drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel in on the right side of the car, dc's cousin might as well drove the car while sitting on my lap.

day 1 in bermuda... we got to the aquarium where they also have a peacock that walks around... freely. i love peacocks and i thought i was sweet-talking it into spreading its wings but no. instead the peacock screamed for me. have you ever heard a peacock's mow?

that night we ventured out for bermuda's night life. i stretched my hair a bit and we got dolled up. dc wouldn't pose for a pic ;-( that may be why we only stayed out for 2 hours.. maybe 3 and that included dinner time. truth is, dc is not a party girl. she's a homebody. put me in a club or anywhere there is music and you can leave me but not on an island where i don't know anyone and a d-train can't take me home...

day 2 and we're on bermuda's ferry-line heading to dockyard. if you've taken a cruise to bermuda, you've docked at dockyard. yeah the bermudians are simple people. there's a road in the middle of the island and the name of the road is middle road. there's a bird on the island and the bird has a long tail the name of the bird is the bermuda long tail. simple.

it must have been the weather but for some reason my clothes were ripping apart. my strap just popped off of my shirt. thank goodness the other one held up... and i smiled through it all...

dc... you ever pressed a zoom button before? nope... see this is the pic that dc took... i let her snap a couple or else i wouldn't have pics of me near the clear blue waters...

day 3 and we're waiting for our table for sunday brunch... our reservation was at 3:00, brunch is over at 3:30 and we didn't get sat until 3:35... they didn't even throw in free mimosas! brunch was expensive, nice but not a free thang.

here's a smiling pic... wait - dc is still mean-mugging it...

when you've been to beaches that look like this, it's so hard to go to a beach where the water is a dark murky green as it is here in NYC.

day 3 and 4 we head to the beach... dc's cousin dropped us off but we had to walk back. everything and everywhere on bermuda is walking distance away but i ain't nev-ver walked on a road like this one here. and though walking is what i do with no car and living in the city, island walking is way different. this is tribe road no. 5 and while it's lush and beautiful, it looks like it's name. there's an incline on this road that made my body hurt.

the houses on bermuda are painted in pastels, which makes me think of ice-cream or better than that, sherbet.
the house we stayed in is up this hill and one night we went out and though dc asked me if i wanted to take a taxi back, i declined. i don't take taxis when i'm away. it was dark, midnight dark, and luckily bermuda is a relatively safe island because my fears would have told me that i would be attacked or robbed. five steps up this hill and my chest is burning. i look up and see that dc is mid-way up the hill, steady striding. that heffa didn't even look back for me. she waited at the top though...

day 5 and we're having afternoon tea with dc's cousin. bermuda was a british colony and so they do as the british do. afternoon tea. i think i was tipsy all day of day 5. we had champagne and bloody mary shots at the tea, went to a wine tasting after that and later dinner with dc's family where me and her aunt tore up a bottle of pinot noir. day 5 was a good day.

day 6 and we're leaving... but before we left we decided to walk dc's cousin's doberman pinscher. i don't know why i'm smiling because doberman is about to run up tribe road no. 5 while I am holding his leash. no bueno. not on my last day. not while i am wearing flip flops.

and here we are, me and doberman, chatting it up in the kitchen, after the walk. i'm telling him to be good and he better miss me since doberman stayed licking my toes the whole trip. dc didn't take this pic, her cousin did. i wish he hung with us. i would have gotten him to take my pics for me... and possibly with me... nah mean?!?!?!

this pic reminds me of what our friendship represents... longevity, faithfulness, trust and strength. we have a lot of pics like this... ones when we were younger and this one now that we're in our 30s... but to me we look like, for a moment, that we were still in our teens, that we're still little girls, returning from our island venture.

i write like...

2010-07-15T12:19:00.000-04:00

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I went to: http://iwl.me/ and put in some of my blog writing and that's my result... I write like Stephen King... wow... Try it and let me know who you write like...

herstory

2010-06-08T13:19:00.004-04:00

nineteen years ago... we sat at my kitchen table. it was mid-summer and she was spending the summer in new york city rather than her suburban hometown. she told me she thought she was pregnant. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want her to be pregnant. being pregnant meant that we weren't little girls anymore. i mean i would still be the little girl but she'd be the woman. i think back to then and realize that... wow, we were never really close after that summer...

i took my $20 weekly allowance and bought a $10 pregnancy test. we needed to know. we had been hanging out kinda tough and we had been drinking. she had been pregnant once before. her father took her to get an abortion and afterward cursed her, telling her she'd be knocked up again in 6 months. through tears she swore she wouldn't be. she swore she'd be a good girl, get good grades, stay away from boys. 4 months later we sat in my bathroom, her on the commode, me on the side of the tub and cried because that clear blue easy line appeared and got darker and darker and our suspicions were confirmed and WE felt like WE failed.

i asked her what she was gonna do. i had friends who got free abortions. i kept the number just in case i ever slipped up. she didn't have to return home to handle her business, WE could get her a free abortion right away, act like nothing ever happened and she'd return home in august as if our summer was filled with fun and good times. she must have wrestled with that thought all night because the next morning, with red rimmed eyes, she looked at me and told me SHE was keeping her baby. damn what her father said and felt. damn that free abortion that i told her about. the 1st child was aborted and that was all her father's idea, but this 2nd child was created in love and keeping this was her conviction.

for the next 2 weeks i cooked every meal for her - breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks. one day i chased the ice cream truck halfway down the block because she was feigning for a chocolate cone with sprinkles. with my following week's allowance, i bought her a huge jar of palmer's cocoa butter for her belly that hadn't stretched at all, but we knew it would.

she returned home and didn't tell her parents a word. she hid her pregnancy and put up a front every month as if she was receiving her cycle. eventually her mother found out and told my mother and my mum, the clairvoyant one, she knew that i knew... could remember that one week when my penny pinching self spent all of my allowance in 2 days.

nineteen years later... and this young lady is now a happy and successful woman. she is married to the love of her life, she has 3 beautiful children, owns a home, owns 2 cars and her eighteen year old daughter has gone to her prom and has earned her high school diploma. as i beamed at my little cousin's prom and graduation pics i couldn't help but think of that summer and admire my cousin's determination to keep her baby. it wasn't easy. my cousin leaned and depended on her parents for years! slowly but surely she gained her independence and handled her grown womanness. if she listened to me, there'd be no celebration taking place, no tears of joy, no witness to God's miracle of life - and i'm glad that she was determined to do things her way.

i need

2010-05-19T17:59:00.002-04:00

by now... if you've been visiting me long enough then you know that i'm an erykah badu fan and "fan" is an understatement. if the myth about her is anything next to true, she's entranced me from day one.
it's been a good long while since i've chosen a song as my theme song... a song that when i hear it, my head drops, my eyes close and my lips spread in a smile...my recent choice... "window seat"... while the video has caught major buzz lately, it's the lyrics that delight me.

it's that part... the bridge, when the music changes to the 3 beats and then a clap... the part where she's singing about needing... i personalized it... i'm sure we all do it and that's what makes a song, a poem, a piece of literary work so distinctive for us.

the song speaks of something that's hard for me to admit to... the fact that i need. i have no problem saying what it is i want and especially what i do not want... but need? needing seems to imply that there's something or someone that i am lacking and i know that i've got all of my needs met... food, check... clothing, check... a job, check... shelter, check... stable family relationships, check...

one night i got an email from one of my suitors where he asked me "what do you need?". he wanted to give me something special but i appear to have it all so he asked me "what do you need?". i have given to him... he loves jazz and i love maysa and lalah and i wanted him to have something special from me. so i bought us tickets to see lalah and bought him the latest maysa cd. my truth is... i'm not a good receiver... receiving doesn't settle well in my spirit. i feel the need to overcompensate to the giver instead of receiving and relishing in my gift given... so it's a little difficult and vulnerable for me to ask for what it is i need. and just like life... as i clicked reply to answer his email, "window seat" pops on the radio...

i need you to want me... that's a friend of mine who asked me what do i need. he's the king of the poker face... while his texts and phone calls let me know he wants me, i'm still not fully convinced, or his grown man game is different from what i'm used to...
i need you to miss me... that's my long distance love (yep that's 2 men, i'm grown and i'm single!)... and though i've seen him recently and we speak all the time, long distance is what it is...
i need your attention... that's for my babies at church... you know young people are know-it-alls and just for a minute, i would like their full attention and they can avoid some of the mistakes they make...
i need you next to me... my bed is empty... there's nothing like a 98.6 degrees laying next to you, up under you, leg thrown across you, arm draping 'round you...
i need someone to clap for me... that's my supervisor, her supervisors, hell all the people at work. a thank you, a high five, a slight nod that my work is appreciated...
i need someone to come get me... i want to be rescued... i want to be sought after, pursued, captured...
i need your energy... i need my mothers... my biological and adopted mums... those strong women who nurture with their kind words and thoughtful pats on the back... who mother the little girl in me and support the woman i've become
i need your direction... GOD... nuff said...

beat your own damn kids!

2010-05-17T13:00:00.007-04:00

i have no children but i love them to pieces... and if by chance i become impregnated, i would be too-too happy. at this moment, however, i am childless. i like to think that i'm "good" with children, meaning that i am approachable and easy to talk to about school, home life, esteem issues, relationships, and sex... my youth at church usually open up to me about these things. and i even let them question me about my life and i answer them honestly. they want to know if their experiences are unique to just them... and we all know that today's issues are not so unique... so i have no problem sharing. my church youth know i have their back. i want what's best for them and even when i'm hard on them, they know that i do it in love.

i chose the title of this post because recently two of my friends have asked me to speak to their children and even discipline them about issues that i feel is beyond me as a non-parent.

their daughters don't live with me... i'm not the one who bought the short shorts, the wife-beaters, the hipster pants, the g-strings, the provocative shirts nor the make-up... so why should i be the one to tell them to clean up their image?

they didn't do or say anything to hurt me... i'm not the one who allows them to leave for the party at 11:00 pm and then turn around at get mad at them at 2:01 am when they don't turn the key in the lock... so why should i be the one to discipline them about how a proper young lady respects herself?

the last time i checked the legal drinking age is 21... yet you allow them to have a coupla drinks in the house, right? but then you get upset with them when somebody else notices that your underage daughter is pissy drunk and throwing up and the pictures are all over facebook...

now one of the daughters i am talking about has even begun to talk back to, rip and run the streets all times of day and night and even curse at her parents... if the mother allows this to go down, then why is my cell phone ringing with this child's sweet voice on the other end telling me her mom wants her to talk to me?

i have personally laid my hands on plenty of children. i truly have no problem popping, choking them, or my personally fave, collaring them. i have reprimanded them when i felt their behavior was out of line. children have been sent to me with bad report cards and i have echoed their parent's reactions... the emphasis is on echoing the parents... meaning that me and their mamas think along the same line... meaning that mom has already gotten in that behind and if i should say something it would only be so that the child has a "village experience". but when you turn a blind eye to their behavior or worse... you're afraid of being thrown in jail because your daughter thinks she's bigger and badder than you but you pay the bills, cook the food and put her ass through school, i say you rear your hand back... way back... and beat your own damn kid!

random words i type...

2010-05-03T17:38:00.000-04:00

she sought me out in a dark crowded club. i saw her when i first walked in, one of the 1st people i recognized and she made her way over to me. it's been 17 years since high school graduation, this is our 2nd reunion made possible by way of facebook and it was good to hook up with old peeps.

she made her way through the crowd of people who were hugging, kissing, squealing "how are you", "you look great", "you look the same"... however when she turns to me she says... "do you still work in midtown?". "no", i reply, "my unit has moved out to queens"... wow i thought, she must be asking because we used to work so close to each other. we made plans for lunch the last time we saw each other, exchanged business cards and all that. she then says, "oh i figured that because there's no way you can get away with working in midtown with that hair."

???

my natural, coarse and wild hair? i had no idea that midtown manhattan, which is the area between 14th and 59th streets, about 5 square miles, had stipulations on which state my hair or anyone's hair should be in. i can't even imagine midtown being some kind of entity that would frown upon and possibly banish me from entering unless my hair was somewhat more... acceptable?

i am not even fazed by this comment nor am i surprised. this old schoolmate has always seemingly had this black may be beautiful but it's not always right mentally. it has been a whole 366 days since i made the decision and cut my relaxed hair off. i went from having 12 inches of relaxed hair...

to having 3 inches of natural hair...

and i have no regrets. in fact, i could not be happier.

i could have been offended by her comment but i am not. in fact, i am flattered. i love that my hair grows out and up, defying gravity. i like not having to put up an umbrella when it rains, knowing that my scalp will remain dry. i enjoy not worrying about wrapping my hair every night and i am excited to work in a field where natural is acceptable - my director rocks a caesar, my supervisor has locs, and almost every woman of color in my worksite proudly flaunts their naturalness.

my facebook inbox is full of messages from friends and friends of friends who ask me when, how and why i cut off my hair and my daily regimen. i receive compliments especially from people who never would have guessed that i would cut off my treasured relaxed hair, and as blog sister kay c wrote once on her blog, i receive lots of hands in my hair, especially from male acquaintances.

so now that the reunion is over and everyone is posting pics... i have this feeling that one of the messages in my inbox this week will be from this very woman... except this time she won't be asking something like, "girl, how they let you go to work like that" but more like... "i've been dying to do the very same thing... tell me how you made it happen".

Be Happy

2010-04-28T17:09:00.001-04:00

I want to thank my blog sister Luv who awarded me with this Happy 101 Award. She actually awarded me weeks ago but I neglected to award myself. It's been a while since I've won an award so I'm happy. Thanks Luv, you're the best girlie!

What I've come to know is that everybody wants to be happy, even though we complain enough and cry enough... at the end of the day, we all want to breathe a breath of happiness. We buy clothes, perfume and all sorts of things to fulfill our happiness. Some of us eat when we are happy and then some of us eat when we are unhappy... but that's another post. True happiness has no price tag. There's no road map and there's no location to find it. In fact true happiness cannot be pursued outwardly but inwardly.

Happiness can be fleeting. With a simple word said or a word gone unsaid, happiness can appear and disappear with the swiftness... but then again that could just be the changing of moods and not happiness at all.

Being happy is a state of mind. You choose happiness. Just as you can choose to be unhappy. It's your feeling, it's your emotion, feel free to engage or disengage. As for me I choose happiness. In most of my experiences, no matter the test, I choose the positive end. I will smile myself into peace. I can and I will encourage myself, most times I fake it until I make it... but no matter how long it takes, I make happiness happen.

So in order to complete this award acceptance, I must fill in my happy list... This list is really special because whenever I'm down, it's these very things that always lift my spirits.

What Makes Me Happy:

10. Good music...
Give me some Marvin, some Anita, Aretha, Musiq, Amel, Erykah, Jill and some other artists and I cannot forget gospel music and I need no cake, no wine and umm hmmm no man. I will definitely be happy.
9. A clean bill of health...
Having gone through a health scare in 2009 and now feeling sluggish and finding out that my thyroid is underacting (I make up and misuse words a lot y'all!)... a clean bill of health is something to rejoice and dance about.
8. Friends...
Jesus had his Peter, James and John and I have my Lili, CB and DC... I love my sister friends and I'd love a brother friend too if I had one. Oh I have lots of people who claim me as a best friend but my 3 hold me down.
7. Nature...
Sit me down in some green, lush scenic place where I can inhale and exhale and be.
6. A good pursuit...
I am absolutely overjoyed by being the chasee, the pursued, the one who is desired and sought after. Nothing thrills me more than being on the receiving end of one's pursuit, and then once the pursuit is over, I shall bless them with all of my goodness.
5. Good chocolate cake...
The other day at work they brought out cake. Red velvet, chocolate and yellow cake. I tasted them all and let me tell you... every single slice of cake was nasty. I was very unhappy. It doesn't pay to be a foodie unless you quickly toss out plates of cake that no one should have baked nor bought. So with that, I choose wisely and I choose good quality choc-o-la-te cake!
4. Pampering...
I love a good massage, manicure, pedicure and facial... which is why I usually give them to myself because pampering is a gift. It's more than a job, if that's what you've been hired to do, it's a talent. So if I find a good pamperer, they've got a customer in me, but if not, I can do my own and be happy.
3. Wine...
A sweet glass of red or white vino drives me over into Happy Lane.
2. Good literature...
There's nothing like a good book or a dynamic work of poetry. If I am upset or bothered by something, if I pick up a good book, the emotions suddenly dissolve.
1. Rainbows...
I've had the pleasure of seeing quite a few rainbows in my life and I love them. They are beautiful and whenever I see them, I always feel that no matter what is going on in my life, everything is going to be ok.

To conclude, I can't help but think about and venture to youtube for Mary J. Blige's "Be Happy"... Life is too short to be tryin' to play some games...

Certified

2010-04-21T15:44:00.000-04:00

I remember coming home from school. It was probably 1990, maybe 1991 so I was in high school. As I turned onto my block, I noticed that mid-way to my building, there was a crowd outside. I wasn't afraid of a crowd of youth then so I approached.

On my block... my block?... there was Guru. The rap half of rap duo Gangstarr. He was surrounded by his entourage and every speaker in everyone's home on the block was put to every window and in synchrony they all blasted "Words I Manifest"... or at least that's what it seemed like to me.

I have no idea why Guru was on my block. He wasn't even from the Bronx. Anyone could tell from his rhymes that he was clearly from Baaahston. As a successful rapper, he could have chilled anywhere, my block is nothing special so clearly he must have known someone. As delighted as I was to see him, I had to head home. If I called my mother a minute after 3:35, she'd go crazy on me. I could have tried to sneak back out, hang out with the entire block and Guru, but I opted not to. Just seeing him, gazing at him (stalker-like) in passing, and having that moment engraved in my memory was enough. I called every friend I had and my boyfriend and told them who I just saw. You know they ain't believe me.

This mellow voiced maestro has a distinctive sound.... was essential to hip-hop... while everyone left the jazz sampling in the 90s, he continued creating 4 volumes of Guru's Jazzmatazz. I don't listen to hip-hop as I used to and we all know that the time and quality that was once poured into the genre is presently lacking. Just take a look at Guru's lyrics from "Manifest"...

I suggest you take a breath for the words I manifest
they will scold you and mold you, while I impress upon
you the fact that, I use my tact at
rhymin for climbin, and chill while I attract that
girl you're with, I got a sincere quality
I give her all of me, cause you're too small to be
tryin to riff, so let me uplift and shift my gift
Let's go to the fullest capacity
I got tenacity, because I have to be
The brother who must live and give with much insight
Foresight to ignite, excite and delight
And you might gain from it, or feel pain from it
Because I'm ultimate, and I'm about to let off
Knowledge is wisdom, understanding
Truth's the proof, so won't you throw a hand
in the air, put up a peace sign and be fine
If so we're feeling good we should we could we would
Stop, think for a moment OK?
And then sway while I convey that we must do away
with all the stress and the strife, so god bless your life
Use kindness, and never blindness
And you will find that this perspective is best, check it out
These are the words that I manifest, I manifest

On Monday, April 19, 2010, Keith Guru Elam transitioned from this life. He is, was and will always continue to be certified...

brevity of life

2010-04-08T17:03:00.000-04:00

i spoke to my love this morning and i didn't hear what i wanted to hear. i haven't held him or smelled his scent since december '09 and the distance has been weighing on me. i'm thinking in my head and out loud that another month is passing and i'm not seeing you. i know you miss me and i miss you dearly but we need to make something happen. every other day i'm yelling and angry my needs aren't met and he's apologizing, sweet talking and making promises. empty.

shortly after the phone call ended, i received a text from one of my sisters from church. the death angel has visited my fellowship and the family of one of our esteemed members. we all knew he was transitioning. he has been battling cancer for the past 18 months and the doctors sent him home on sunday night with painkillers and hopeful wishes. today i received a text i wasn't prepared for, a text that makes all of my nonsense suddenly ridiculous. while i argue with my love and long to see him, hold him, i am grateful that i heard his voice this morning and i still have him in my life while my big sister in the faith is saying her final goodbyes to her soulmate. the pain i have in my heart is now for her and her family.

upon leaving the restroom where i cried myself into a full-blown headache, i made another vow to live life to the fullest. oh i make this vow daily! vowing to treat e'rybody right, love like i never been hurt, give until it feels good but i find that when i shut off my lights and crawl under the covers at night, i've yet to hit the easy button or signed off as a job complete. i've still got work to do.

life is short. we all know that. my older faith brother was in his late 50s and i hope that before he breathed his final exhale he rectified all of the times he forgot to appreciate, failed to make amends and didn't say i love you.

my love has been the balm needed to make it through my season. he's the one who tucks me in at night and who calls me early in the morning. he's the one who makes sure i make it in to work on time and who checks up on me to see if my day is good. he's the one who hears me sniffles and sends me money for a space heater because it's cold at my workplace. he's the one who asks me, everyday, "did you write today?" and encourages me to do so because he knows that writing is my outlet. he's the one i prayed for, the one that's needed, the one that right now occupies my heart space, the one i love. i am grateful for him. truly i am.

RIP to "Earl the Pearl"... I already miss him dearly and because of him, today, I am reminded of what matters most.

erykah badu... envelope pusher

2010-03-30T15:13:00.001-04:00

I remember when Erykah Badu came on the scene in 1997 with Baduizm and my nephew who was about 9 at the time asked me, in his own words, what the hell is she saying Auntie K? (he always was a little cusser)... My response was, after I laughed at him, she’s telling the truth, her truth, the world’s truth, whatever truth... it's a story she’s telling and all that matters is how you interpret it.

Sometimes I wish she had an explanation for each of her songs written, or a little snippet of what she was thinking of when she wrote it, anything to allow me to get in her head for a minute but then would the song mean the same thing for me if I was spoon-fed her thoughts… probably not.

That brings me to New Amerykah Part Two: Return of the Ankh, her newest release available today. I am hyped, as always, and I already downloaded it. I have yet to be disappointed by anything Erykah has produced and even though Part One was a little dark, its message hard to swallow, I was and still am enlightened… her music makes me think and jam…

One of the things that I admire is that Erykah pushes the envelope… the political, the cultural, the emotional… if you have ever seen her interviews, she’s hilarious and to see her live is an awesomely, spiritual experience.

Window Seat… her newest release… the one that’s played on the radio, probably the only one that will be played on the radio… If Erykah is more than a radio artist, it is simply because of her fan base. While most mainstream artist get tons of airplay, most soul artist do not.

The controversial, uncut, video of Window Seat has also been released and it is posted below. This video, along with her body of work is bound to be misinterpreted, mis-taken and most of all, it's bound to make you think..

after the rain

2010-03-24T12:06:00.005-04:00

I love the rain... even when it's coming down in sheets as it did the other night... there is something so calming, soothing about rain. It makes me want to stay low-key and silent, and it doesn't help that my body seems to hurt when the atmosphere changes and I know rain is in the forecast. I am almost forced to slow down and retreat. I have learned to appreciate rain. It moisturizes the air and brings nourishment to the earth. And then after the rain, the sun shines again. The skies are clearer, the air is lighter, you can breathe easier.

And that's how I'm feeling right now... I can breathe easier.

For the brief time that I was away from blogging, I felt like I was wearing a poncho and heavy behind rain boots because it was raining all the time... sporadic rain, sometimes a downpour, sometimes a drizzle and when it wasn't raining, it was just gray. I have finally carved out some time so that my creative side can thrive, once again.

I felt like I should done better for myself to prepare for the rain. I knew what season it was in my life, I knew what to expect yet I failed to prepare myself and instead I burned out. Well now I am on the mend. Rain is necessary and rain is inevitable but it doesn't have to be so hard to endure. I have learned that lesson.

Rain by SWV... one of my favorite songs

I Am On...

2010-02-11T16:14:00.004-05:00

I did not want to do this... I really do NOT want to do this... I love blogging, I love reading your thoughts and experiences... I must admit that I am indeed taking a break from writing. It is quite evident from my lack of posts that blog writing is not in my focus. Oh I journal daily and there's a myriad of thoughts and posts roaming through my brain but the act of sitting still long enough to allow my thoughts to run through to my finger tips and type is such an arduous task for me right now. I really do not want to do this... but I must.

Before I go though... I wish you all a beautifully brilliant Black History Month for Black History is American History. Enjoy these upcoming Black Love days and I appeal to you to do something loving for the people in your family, your friends and your community. Go to your local library, engage in cultural activities and celebrate your Blackness. Remember that one drop rule... we pro'lly all Black anyway. Black pride!

February 7th was HIV awareness day but I implore all of you use this entire month to know more about HIV and to get tested!!! Know your status and protect yourselves. I love sex, it feels inexplicably great but it feels even better when you know that you are having healthy sex. Wrap that thang up! And take advantage of free testing. You know it's not really free right? Government agencies provide funding to nonprofit groups that will provide testing. That's a beautiful thing. We would take advantage of free concert tickets, free clothing or free food. Let's take advantage of free testing and awareness. If you're in the NY area, my church (In the Bronx) offers free testing every 2nd Saturday and next Friday, the 19th, we are having free testing from 5 - 9PM. Leave me your email address in the comments and I will be sure to email you the address.

Lastly, February is American Heart Month. Let us take the initiative to eat healthier, be more active, drink less alcohol, smoke less cigarettes and focus on our Heart Health.

I love you all... I miss you dearly... but I shall "see" you all very very soon!

Peace & Blessings

Life Overhaul

2010-02-01T16:05:00.003-05:00

I believe that most change is gradual. Even the times when I did a 180, I find that the gear was set long before I made the turn. And with that, my reasons for not writing, posting or blog hopping as much as I'd like is because I've been overhauling my life.

A while ago I spoke about being on time for work, losing weight, saving money, and making some of my dreams realities... well the other day, I was talking with someone and after that conversation, I made a decision to overhaul my life. My mom tooted up her face at me and my co-worker uh huh'ed me. I'd mentioned the changes I wanted to make plenty of times before and the proof would have to be in the puddin'. That next Monday, I walked into work a whole hour earlier (my original time for work), did all that was on my to-do list, left out the door 8 hours later and headed home to get myself right for the next day. I know I was expected to show up at my regular late time on Tuesday but I shocked my supervisor and myself by showing up early again.

It was something said in that conversation I was having- it was a getting to know you conversation... I was talking about myself and realized how routine my life was but also how messy. My last achievement was 5 years ago and since then I've created this rut that I've been wallowing in. First things first, I needed to be on time - for everything. I needed to get to bed on time. I needed to stop taking advantage and riding through life and really start paying attention to my activities and where I placed all of my energy because lawd knows I was tired all of the time, having nothing to show for it.

Instantly, my energy increased. Instantly eating healthier became easier. My body feels better and I'm getting more done... That brings me back to this... My thoughts are clearer and my creativity is flowing. I put first things first and now everything else is falling into place...

Craving Pink....

2010-01-19T16:39:00.008-05:00

I abandoned the color pink in 2009. I felt like pink was too youthful and didn't represent me as the woman I am. I leaned more toward purple, a color I simply adore. I wore and still wear a lot of purple. My home is decorated with lots of purple.

However as 2010 came in, for some reason, I craved pink. I ditched my pink last year, giving my sweaters and shirts to one young sister in my church. That didn't stop me from buying pink roses and carnations to decorate my home as the new year came in. And yet I still desired it around me. So I bought a pink tissue box for my desk at work and I bought pink fabric to adorn my home. It got to the point that I had to question myself.... What's up with me and this color? Here is a little of what I found when I did a google search....

"The color pink usually serves two purposes. It can be used to show childish innocence, or a characters child-like personality. It can also be used to show a more flirtatious personality. Pink is normally a color associated with girls and femininity.

Pink is considered a color of good health and life - we speak of people being "in the pink" or the "freshness" of a newborn babe.

Lastly, pink is associated with sexuality, and purity. That is, a girl who is a virgin in heart and body. Pink is symbolic of pure love, for example. It is also the color used for sexual advertisements and such, to indicate the purity of the girls."

*******

Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you".

Pink is a combination of red and white. The quality of energy in pink is determined by how much red is present. White is the potential for fullness, while red helps you to achieve that potential. Pink combines these energies. Shades of deep pink, such as magenta, are effective in neutralizing disorder and violence. Some prisons use limited deep pink tones to diffuse aggressive behaviour.

Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance.

Put some pink in your life when you want:

calm feelings
to neutralize disorder
relaxation
acceptance, contentment

After doing some soul searching I realized I was angry. I was angry at my ex. I was angry with my dear friend and I was even angry with myself. I was angry to the point that some of my joints were inflamed. I was burning hot angry. I blew up and cursed some folks out, pretty badly. I thought evil thoughts and went to bed angry for about 2 weeks. I now realize that my emotions and my entire being couldn't take the imbalance and therefore, my spirit was yearning for calm, order, contentment, love & acceptance, craving pink. But I also needed to relinquish my feelings, open up about my own shortcomings and let some things go. I needed to forgive.

I had hoped that as I prayed and purged during the last moments of 2009 that I would be renewed for the new year, but some issues trailed behind me. However, I'm grateful for the representation of the color pink, the calm it surely provides and my spiritual ear that listens to my soul's craving...

Year-end countdown... Thriving on Drama

2009-12-30T15:18:00.007-05:00

While sitting at home, not too long ago, on a Saturday night... I finally watched "He's Just Not That Into You".

Not a bad film...

While I had (in my youthful past) and still fall into moments of sounding and even acting like the character Gigi, there was one part of the movie that struck a cord...

There is a part in the movie when Alex and Gigi were in the bar and he tells her that women thrive on drama and how we wait "until the last minute on deadlines, or on phone bills, because you love the drama of not knowing whether you'll make it" I simply shook my head and raised my eyebrows. It may or may not be a true statement but it is true for me.

When I reflect on my 2009 and every situation I encountered, the good and the bad, I can't help but ponder the choices I made and how they relate to my circumstances.

I tell myself I don't like drama. I pride myself on not being a drama queen but some of the choices I make create drama in my life such as not saving enough money, spending frivolously, not opening bills, ignoring collection calls, eating too much of the wrong foods, not exercising, procrastinating... there is no wonder why I'm dealing with hardships. I helped to create them!

I am amazed sometimes at how the universe forces you to deal with your problems... every valley that I fell in caused me to be still... you can't go out, eat out or spend frivolously with no money! I was forced to look within and see what was keeping me from taking care of my personal matters and then I was able to take inventory of my life, pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.

I had a rough year but I survived a health scare, losing money, losing friends and lay-offs on the job. I also had some good times... I reactivated my facebook account, reconnected with old friends, explored and enjoyed my freedom, vacationed, relaxed and reignited a high school flame.
In 2009 I thrived on drama and I teetered on whether or not I was gonna make it but... I made it. There's nothing like a little drama to make you seek and strive for balance and most of all I am grateful for my hardships. Without them I wouldn't have grown, I wouldn't feel my strength and I wouldn't be at peace.

Year-end countdown... losing friends

2009-12-29T17:03:00.011-05:00

It's the last 3 days to 2010... and while I will be ever so glad to turn the page on this year, I can't help but reflect on what a year it's been.

I've had some lows... It's been a good long while since I've been hit so hard but I've learned that I can take a hit. One of the hits I've taken is the loss of one of my dearest friendships.

Most of my friendships span over decades and I have some that are new... me and this particular friend have known each other since middle school. Through falling in love, heartbreaks, achievements, sickness, health and life changes, we've been there. I can be naive at times though I count it as one of my qualities. I never foresaw this type of break-up. I know quite a few people.... I call some people associates but I call very few "friend".

The close and tight-knittedness that friends have as youth is hard to maintain as adults. We're not together all day as we were in school, our summers aren't spent chillin' and the freedom we had is now hard to reclaim with responsibilities and interests yet some friendships stand the test of time. This one did not and it didn't feel like shedding old skin when it broke, it felt as if I was cut with a knife.

I got the cut through a facebook message... Really? Over 20 years of friendship and I find out by opening up my facebook account? I suppose telephones no longer work... Hell, we live 20 minutes away from each other, a visit wouldn't do? There's a disconnect somewhere when facebook becomes the mode of communication for 2 people who were friends back when their mothers sanctioned their telephone use.

"Friends are forever"... that's how the saying goes... but in my life I've learned that sometimes it's our friends who hurt us the most... Keeping me as a friend was much too toxic. Apparently I wasn't the friend she needed me to be when she needed it. My choices, my thoughts and my ways no longer coincided with hers and it hurt more to keep me within her circle that cutting me out was the best option.

Truthfully speaking... I've cut ALL of my friends off a time or two in my life. I was unhappy by something they said or did and I took a vow to be friendless before I would put up with them and their messes... so while it hurts that our friendship is over, I accept her choice.

Everything happens for a reason. While some friendships are meant to last for a lifetime sometimes we don't realize that some are only meant to last for very long seasons.

Random Words I Type...

2009-12-14T17:02:00.002-05:00

I been gone for a minute...

* I have been away on vacation and a much needed vacation it was. It was a pleasure and then a pain to go away with my best friend and I realized that after 3 days, I get homicidal... with her. But overall, we had the best girls week - everything I predicted it would be.

* We went to the Poconos, I have a time share there and somehow my homie thought it was supposed to be Jamaica, peak season. Why is it so cold? OHMYGOSH it's snowing? The thing is, she's been begging me to go to the Poconos for 3 years. I finally book my week and she complained the whole time. The highlight of my week was seeing her slide on ice. Priceless.

* An ex is an ex for a reason... It's a year since my break-up and I realized simply - I do not like my ex. I watched Michelle Obama, last night, talk about her man and she said after all of the years, she still likes him (I'm paraphrasing here) and I absolutely get her. I nearly broke my neck nodding my head at the TV. So I realized before going away, that I'm happy to be free of my last serious relationship. I wish my ex the best and if we never have to talk, unfortunately we do, I would be overjoyed. Until we've settled all financial matters... :( :( :(

* I take YOU with me... while in the Poconos I thought of TrueUrbanQueen... she lives in PA and while in the cold and snow, I thought of her living the city life with the woods behind her... I thought of TheQuietStorm... while it was a thunderstorm, there was snow and The Perfect Murder was on TV while we were up there... and then I didn't have WiFi... I didn't even have reception so I couldn't do any blog reading nor writing while I was up there. I missed YOU!

* It's been 5 years since we said yes to the timeshare saleswoman... We can't even take our week together, we split the time. And so.... I'm ready to sell!

* I love December... it's like spring time because it's my purging season. I'm cleaning house and I'm kicking old habits, bad attitudes and funky people to the curb. You know who you are... don't feel bad but do take it personal...

* I am entertaining an older gentleman these days... we're just friends... me and his oldest are the same age... Mmm Hmm... and he's a Cat Daddy. ALL. THE. WAY.

Thankful...

2009-11-25T17:53:00.003-05:00

I am not one to observe this historical/controversial holiday... however the energies that surround this season are of THANKS and for that I will always participate.

For surviving and living from one year to the next... I am thankful.
For visiting with and connecting with family... I am thankful.
For food, clothing, shelter... I am thankful.
Many may argue with me about this - but for my sanity... I am thankful.
For my friends... I am thankful.

So I wish you all a happy and wonderful season of THANKS!

False Fillers

2009-11-18T09:15:00.001-05:00

The other day I was in the 99 cents store . The same aisle that has the stationery items (I love stationery) also has the junk food items. So I decided to purchase a bag of chips. Now I could have exercised self-control and bought nothing but I settled on a bag of crunchy cheese doodles. That is after I put back the bag of puffed cheese doodles because there are less puffy doodles in the same sized bag than in the crunchy and I gotta get the bang for my buck!

So then I started thinking about other areas in my life when I settle for the puffiness over the content... like settling for a vanilla coke when I know I need to drink water, eating a dark chocolate Hershey bar instead of biting into the apple I brought from home, buying clothes from the cheap stores when I can save my money and spend it on items that will last me longer than one season or settling for relationships that leave me lost, insecure and empty.

False Fillers... those things that fill you up for the moment but leave you wanting... False fillers make you think you've got more than you really do... making you think that the empty voids are full... false fillers will leave you always craving more, never satiated, never content. You know... a lot of the foods we eat contain fillers. They bulk up the food. However, most fillers have little to no nutritional value...

I'm gonna be honest here... this here job I'm in... it's a false filler. It is a break off from the initial position I applied for 2 years before and didn't get. It wasn't the title nor the money that I longed for. And I can count how many days I've been happy or content... so I know it's time for me to move on...

This past weekend, I had some "me" time and when I woke up on Saturday morning I felt suffocated by the things surrounding me. Books, clothes, papers... things... and I knew it was time to clear out. So along with my belongings that simply filled up my space, I decided it was time to purge my closets and my dresser drawers... how many different black sweaters can I put on at one time? And how many do I need to look beautiful or feel sexy?

And purging always makes me feel good... the act of the and result after. So now my home is open, airy and spacious... and my life...

Well I no longer indulge in alcohol... a glass of wine here or there... but I don't drown my sorrows... I eat more whole & healthier foods... I read books with content... I watch TV shows that are entertaining and they feed my mind... I buy items that are worth their value and my relationships - my friendships and my courtships - bring me pleasure and satisfaction. I no longer desire the fluff and now that I've tasted the real deal, false fillers are recognizable and avoidable...

Happy Eating!!!

2009-11-13T14:29:00.006-05:00

Eating is one of my favorite past times. I love bowling and the movies, museums and poetry spots but it's a grand time when a cool restaurant is also part of the itinerary.

I love good food... everyone does. Some of us eat more than others and that's evident by our varied sizes. But I experience something euphoric when I eat... I always bless my food and especially when I prepare my own meal, it is a spiritual event.

I don't eat meat. Ok, let me say that from time to time I will have fish. While no one believes me at first sight because I'm undoubtedly slim and trim, LOL, it is true... I prefer veggies and carbohydrates over meat. I always did, which is what made my transition to pescaterian easy.

Other than meat, there is no food that I will restrict myself to or from. I love eating foods from different cuisines. Indian food is my fave. Chinese food of course! There's a Chinese restaurant on every other corner... Mediterranean, Ethiopian... whatever it may be, I am open.

Eating is an intimate act. From the blessing of the food, to the opening of the mouth or the blowing on the food, the chewing, digesting and my personal touch spilling the food or sauce on my clothing... it's intimate! So while I am careful of what I eat, I am also careful about who I eat with. There is something that's part of a meal that makes it even more enjoyable... Good company.

One time I went out with a couple of co-workers for lunch. We went to a local pizza place and I ordered 2 delicious slices. Unfortunately one of my annoying co-workers blabbered and made racially insensitive comments the entire time. I do not argue or get angry over food so I ate in silence and I cannot tell you what I ate to this day. But I will tell you this, I will never eat with or near her again.

My grandfather used to say, "Watch who you eat with because unpleasant company will leave you with indigestion"... or in my case a bad memory and a grudge. And it's true that good food is always better with good company. With good company I can be paranoid about how clean my utensils are and ask for straws with every glass of whatever I order. Lemon on the side please... With good company I can request salad dressing separately and mayonnaise for my french fries. Good company doesn't question me when I order a simple salad because the menu is full of meaty meals or suggest that I pluck the meat out... I tried that :-(... unfortunately. I can accept when my company says K, K... and I know that that means to look for and wipe up the spillage on my shirt. But what makes me happy is knowing I can relax and enjoy every morsel of my meal so that at its conclusion, I am content, not needing or wanting more...

Rising Above

2009-11-09T15:26:00.007-05:00

Four years ago, I went on a women's retreat with my church and one of the exercises that we took part in entailed us sharing an experience or a story with another woman and at the end of our sharing, giving... entrusting our heart to that woman. The cut out heart had our names on it and 4 years later, I still have Renee's heart.

Renee is almost 20 years older than me. I don't have too many friends in their 50s and if it were not for the church and this spiritual exercise we probably would not have even crossed paths. We have nothing much in common, except our church affiliation. Actually, if I tell the truth, Renee is someone I would have avoided at all costs and shunned if she bothered me.

For years Renee abused drugs. On Sunday mornings I would see her shuffling through the streets surrounding the church. She looked terrible. She had no concerns for herself or her family. She is now far removed from where she's been.

I have a cousin who abused drugs for years who just last week graduated from his sobriety program. Me and my mother attended. He was dressed to the 9s in a brand new suit, fresh hair cut and new suede shoes. Sharp! He even spoke at his graduation. He spoke of how he ruined his life, how God saved him and how proud his mother would be if she could see him now. I proudly sat there with tears in my eyes thinking of my aunt and how she prayed for years while he was incarcerated or while her furniture, food and money was stolen. My aunt attended Abyssinian Baptist Church back when Adam Clayton Powell was pastor and those Harlem church ladies wore some big ole hats. My aunt had so many... hat boxes on top of hat boxes and each and every one of them... gone. But now my cousin no longer steals but blesses back. When he brought my ticket to me, there was a $100 bill along with it. I know he deeply regrets what he did while abusing drugs and this was his attempt to give back.

I sit and wonder sometime about my church involvement. Am I going through the motions or does this "thing" really have an effect on me? Am I maturing spiritually or am I the same ole woman with the same ole issues? The fact that Renee is more than someone I share the pew with but a sister whose heart I hold, means that I have grown.

This coming Friday Renee has paid for my ticket and I am attending a "Clean and Sober" party with her. Last week, Thursday, me, my cousin and my mama tore the dance floor up at his graduation. I am so very proud of these two people... my family. They are stronger, wiser, better individuals and I'm so glad that I am able to see their turnaround.

We didn't all walk into the church holy and righteous. We all have our vices, some are just more noticeable than others. I know a lot of people are haughty and arrogant about their churches and their spirituality but it's more than dressy suits, shoes and hats. It's more than speaking correctly and sitting upright, pristine. And what kind of place would the church be if nobody had an past life or any tests in order to have a testimony? Even those who don't attend a church... we can miss out on great people and wonderful experiences but shunning those who lives don't mimic our own.

Flaws and All

2009-11-03T17:10:00.005-05:00

My friend and I share a love of go-go music. When he came to NY for my birthday, he popped in a mixed CD and I fell in love with the go-go version of Beyonce's "Flaws and All". After I listened the song about 10 times, he turned to me and said, I think that's another one of our songs.

We have a list of songs... "Sweetest Taboo" by Sade, "Been So Long" by Anita Baker, "Silent Treatment" by The Roots, "Whatever You Want" by Tony, Toni Tone, "Without You" by Charlie Wilson and "Easy" by Lionel Ritchie... and each of those songs holds a special place for us.

A couple of weeks ago while watching Desperate Housewives, the episode when Lynette's breasts we're swelling from pregnancy and along with every man who came in contact with her, her husband was excited about her new look. But the truth is after the baby arrives her breasts will deflate and so she asks her husband why did he marry her knowing that he likes large breasts and her normal size comes up short. His response was he's glad that she doesn't normally have them or she'd be perfect (I'm paraphrasing here) and he needs her to have one flaw so that it's ok that he has so many.

So while my friend has attached this song to our connection... feeling for each other in spite of our shortcomings... "Flaws and All" is a personal song for me. For me, it means that I give myself a break for not being perfect, for being more emotional than rational at times, for my cellulite, my coarse and curly hair, for the corns on my pinkie toes, for not knowing everything and my memory lapses.

I know that God doesn't make any mistakes... he created me as I am... all of my perfect imperfections... So who am I to not understand, accept and love all of me... flaws and all...

If Prince Gave Me A Private Concert

2009-10-22T18:45:00.004-04:00

This post idea came to me as I surfed the internet for the lyrics of one of my favorite Prince songs... Anotherloverholenyohead...

First off, if Prince gave me a private concert, it would definitely end with a happy ending. I'm just saying... I love Prince. Always have. Remember that Michael Jackson/Prince battle back in the 80s? I was rooting for Prince and for me he won. He may be effeminate to some but for me he's just plain ole sexy. There is something about them dudes (Prince & Andre Benjamin) but I don't doubt Prince's... ummm... sexability. Then after the concert, and the happy ending, I'd probably be unconscious or in bliss for days after that nobody would believe that Prince Rogers Nelson even gave me a private concert.

So if Prince ever came through my hood of the Bronx or invited me to Paisley Park... he'd have to sing...

The Marrying Kind

Do Me Baby

Pop Life

Call My Name

Anotherloverholenyohead

Do U Lie

I Wanna Be Your Lover

Insatiable

Nothing Compares 2 U

I Love U In Me

Diamonds & Pearls

Purple Rain

Take Me With U

I Feel For You

G.O.D.

Adore

When 2 R In Love

Now in whatever order he chooses to sing these songs, it's fine with me but I know he'd start out mellow, amp up to a easy dance groove and then end it with ballads and pure sensuality...

Freedom...

2009-10-21T23:18:00.005-04:00

This time last year, with a heavy heart and reluctance, I ended a four-year committed relationship. It was a struggle for me... leaving the comfortable, the familiar, in search of... journeying to where...

I can tell you that my relationship was far from peaches or cream, for more that half of its span. We loved each other and we depended on each other but the connection that forms between lovers either never formed or was long ago broken and we never tried to fix it.

As we said our good-byes, that was our opportunity to make or break but neither one of us had the energy to give or the humility to admit our wrongs.

Another man had re-entered my life before my break-up and the possibility of being with him warmed my heart. Everything between me and him happened so fast. Within a day, we professed love. The connection I craved in my four-year relationship, I had in this new relationship instantly... we just didn't see the cracks nor the blemishes. But at first glance he was perfect, everything I dreamed of in a life partner, the answer to my silent prayers. But just like a rebound he slowly fizzled from my life.

It was then that I decided that I would remain single for the year or longer, if necessary... and as life would have it, another man re-entered my life. Now this involvement is so different than any other... it is far from fast paced and just the speed needed for me to clear my clutter, heal my heart and reconnect to all I lost and compromised from being committed. Oh I know that compromise and loss aren't necessarily the norm when you enter into loveship... I even forgot that loveship can be and should be easy.

It has taken me almost a year to find out that all I wanted and craved I couldn't find in a new relationship or with any man. It has taken me this long to see that money, nor any other things, places or people held the answers I sought. In fact leaving my relationship granted me freedom... I am free to think, feel, say, look, taste, touch, smile, laugh, play, sing, dance, write, read, pray... I am free to be neat, a slob, cook, don't cook, sleep, stay awake, clean up, stay dirty... I can and I do whatever I want... whatever I feel.

Freedom feels great! No, better than great... it's almost orgasmic! And now that I've got this chance to reclaim it, I savor it... and with my next go-round, I will be reluctant to release it... but my prayer is that with my next go-round, releasing it won't even be an option...

Being...

2009-10-16T13:05:00.000-04:00

Around my birthday I went through the experience of losing my wallet that included my debit card, a couple of credit cards and my ID. I felt unbelievably vulnerable. I called my bank to check my bank balance only to find out that somebody went on a spending spree with my money. They were gracious enough to leave me with $5.22...

I was nervous about switching money around so that I can pay bills and keep myself afloat but I was reassured that my card was inactive and my account was safe.

However now I find myself broke... or as I told my friend last night BROKEN... I tell my peeps that I'm not broke unless I have less than $20 in my account. If I can still go to the ATM, I'm not broke and I know how make $5 go a long way. Well now I am BROKEN. That means less than my normal standard of less... but even as I use the word I know that I am all right...

I paid my bills. My rent is covered. I have food in my freezer and my cupboards. If worst comes to worst, I have good friends & family who I know will carry me... but I don't have to worry about that. In fact with me having just enough, I am satisfied. I feel free.

No I don't have the luxury of going out to eat... but I can throw down in my own kitchen... nor am I able to treat myself to the movies... but I have unwatched DVDs and Movies on Demand at home... I am unable to spend money unnecessarily... but when I had more than enough I can't say that I was overjoyed and overwhelmed with happiness. What I have been doing is being more creative, conserving and being aware. I have a closet full of clothes & shoes and I need for very little...

It's funny how life comes full circle... Sometimes it's a blissful breeze or it smacks you hard... I remember saying not long ago how I have been watching a lot of TV, not reading for fun and feeling out of sorts, unconnected... even to myself... Well now that I am going through this moment, I have been reading more, shutting my TV off, posting here ~*smile*~

I am compelled to get back to the basics of being... I could be pissed, mad at the world and complaining constantly about everything. However, when I weigh my circumstances I see that my blessings outweigh my disasters. So I am humbly, happily, truly being me.

I Tell The Business....

2009-10-15T13:37:00.000-04:00

I don't do it purposefully or maliciously... but I tell my friend's business. I do.

I am sure we all do. You know how you're talking and someone says something and you chime in with... I have a friend who does that or went through that.

Well I do that sometimes too... but mostly, I share my friend's stories & experiences. I know, should they come through and read this, they won't appreciate me telling the business like I do but I can assure them... their story can and has made somebody else feel better.

Now I would and I do share my own experiences. Out of my co-workers and friend , I have dated the most and I think I have and give great dating advice. But just yesterday when I was talking about the types that I attract, I was gonna talk about the types that my friend DC attracts, which are hella better than mine. While I attract "potential dudes", my homie attracts "established dudes"... that's a post for another day. And to tell her business... but it doesn't matter what kinda dude she attracts, she likes girls now... See how effortlessly her story spills out of my mouth... or outta my mind and on to this blog...

I know it's wrong of me... and I credit myself on being a person who thinks before she speaks. I do choose my words wisely. But there are times... and those times are plenty... when some words spill forth...

Now I do have some colorful stories to share... and I do. Those who are close to me and even those not so close... get a dose of "life story". Sometimes my stories are hilarious and sometimes they are painful... however I get bored with my stories... and I find that my friend's experiences are much more extraordinary.

Should they share my stories, I wouldn't mind... but I know me telling their stories... without their permission is not always cool... and I have gotten reprimanded a time or two so I know it does cause a bother... So I stand convicted and I vow to be mindful...

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

I Know My Type...

2009-10-14T15:58:00.007-04:00

I seem to attract 3 types of men...
This post idea came to me this morning as I am walking to the train station heading to work. I was about to turn the corner of my block when here he comes...

Now, I am a non-discriminating dater. I do, however, have a preference, the undeniable type that I am attracted to. But a dude who looks like the 2 above, but also gripping the hell out of a beer can, ashen and it's only 9:45 in the morning... not MY choice.

And I know before he even reaches me what he is going to say. Do you have a minute brutiful?, Can I leave you my number ma?, Have a good day gorgeous... I politely smile, tell him to enjoy his day and turn the corner.

Now there is a variant of this type that I also seem to attract... he has the potential to do great things. He's book smart. He finished high school... maybe... but right now? He's unemployed. He lives with his children's mother and also at his grandmama house when wifey is mad at him. He gives me his number on a paper bag and tells me not to call until next week when he adds minutes to his phone...

Once again... not necessarily bad dudes... just not the dudes FOR ME.

Now my 2nd type always makes me shake my head and sigh...

With a one-two glance, I can check a man and see if he has on a wedding band or if he has the tan line around his ring finger from wearing a wedding band... yet that never seems to stop this man from trying to holla. I am not interested in Mr. Married Man Single... I am not interested in being Ms. Sideline and I have no idea what vibes I am giving off but I desire a man of my own... not one I have to share.

And then there's my last type... This is an inside joke among my friends. You see, with my full hips and short stature (making me plus size) I already know I am not everybody's cup of tea... but when it comes to this man...

Oooh oooh Mr. Lover Man... Clive, Garfield, Donovan, Douglas, Elston, Rohan, Everton, Linford... or whatever his name may be... When I come 'round, my friends... (except for CB) don't. stand. a. chance. LOL
Now there is something sensual about a west indian man... I happen to be of west indian descent... and the combination of beautiful teeth, a deep voice and... the accent... is enough to make me swoon.

So... my type...? The ones I see and my heart beats double time...?

It is what it is...

Random Words I Type... Birthday Love...

2009-10-06T16:29:00.007-04:00

I bask in the glow of turning 34...

I celebrated my birthday all weekend long... beginning when my friend arrived in town on Friday night... and then on Saturday with my awesome friends...

This was the 1st birthday I've ever had when I planned my very own outing. I usually stay low-key when my birthday comes around. I'll go to the movies, the spa, hang out with a friend or a love but never before have I planned something for me and my friends. When I turned 30, my ex planned my birthday celebration with a couple of close friends. That was nice and intimate... but this time I decided to do something fun, engaging... something I've never done...

Hookah!!!This here is me and my co-worker, my partner in crime, my play sister, play cousin, my ace, CB. See the boobies? It was their birthday celebration too! LOL - do you see the hookah pipe? I would have posted a pic of me and my guy but he insisted that I do not post of pic of him on my blog. Boooo to him. But he's the one who took this pic of us...

For those who don't know hookah is a water-pipe filled with fruit and a mild tobacco. I found this fabulous hookah lounge in the West Village and we passed the pipe with some fresh pineapple. It was wonderful! And to top the night... a belly dancer graced us with a performance... one of my friends let her know that it was my birthday and she called me up to dance... I had to show and prove! LOL

On Sunday, my actual birthday, after going to church, me and my friend enjoyed an intimate seafood dinner at one of my favorite seafood restaurants. "We must have oysters", he told me, "They're aphrodisiacs", he explained... and we dined on raw oysters, clams, fried calamari and red sangria...

I truly enjoyed my birthday and the celebration continues for the entire month of October... this birthday has been so lush, so decadent, and overwhelming. I'm grateful for another year of life. I am grateful for a plethora of blessings. I received numerous cards and gifts from my friends and most of all, I was and still am filled to overflowing with love.

Rest In Peace

2009-09-29T17:08:00.003-04:00

Random Words I Type

2009-09-16T00:14:00.010-04:00

It's been a while since I posted and a really long while since I've created a random post. So much going on and I haven't taken the time to really blog at work because f.acebook is my current method for getting me through the day and when I get home sitting in front of my computer is not appealing.

*I have been watching a lot of TV lately. I used to not be a big TV watcher... so that means that I haven't been reading any books, I haven't been blogging, I haven't been reading a whole lot of other bloggers, I haven't been active and in a sense I've been out of touch... even with myself :-(

*Summer TV was GREAT! The Closer (even though I didn't care for the season finale), Weeds, Nurse Jackie (hilarious!), HawthoRNe, Leverage and Dark Blue... I cannot forget True Blood. Whew!

*With my birthday (YEAH ME!) approaching in the next 2 1/2weeks I feel this crunch within... I want to celebrate big but then again, I don't want anyone to make a big deal out of my birthday. Just my quirkiness I suppose. I prefer to make all plans and then if people want to drop by and help me celebrate, then great. I know I'll feel differently once October 4th arrives.

*My "friend" is visiting me for my birthday weekend... actually he's going to be spending about 4 days with me and I'm anxious about it. We have not spent 4 consecutive days together. When we visit each other, we always take a day or a few hours off from each other to have for ourselves. Since he's from NY he goes to visit family and I have family in his area so I visit mine. However, this visit will be different...

*I am excited about turning 34. I am excited about my friend visiting me. I am planning something special for us and, in a sense, it makes me happy to plan a surprise for him during my weekend celebration.

*Today... actually yesterday, was the 1st time in 2 years that my supervisor said "thank you". I could have collapsed. It came at such a stressful moment as well as right before I whipped out my flash drive to update my resume.

*Today is one of my best friend's birthday. He doesn't read my blog but I shout out to the universe Happy B'earthday TD!!! I already sent him a text so he got my message.

*I agree with you President Obama, Kanye West is a jackass. LOL I love how Mr. Obama is so opinionated & may this be one comment he doesn't take back, offer a bud light & an apology to smooth over.

Okay, I'm done with the randoms... for now... I'm going to try to stay up and watch Oprah's, part II interview of Whitney... more TV watching... however, this has sparked something in me... I think... more blog posts, more blog posts...

Note From The Universe

2009-09-08T15:31:00.009-04:00

It's been a while since I've posted one of these and when this one came through as an email message, it really spoke to my soul and confirmed some things for me. So here goes....

Young souls get angry at others.
Old souls get angry at themselves.
But really wise souls have already turned the page.

Got forever and ever?
The Universe

www.tut.com

Somebody's daughter

2009-09-04T14:39:00.003-04:00

I love a little gossip... the surface story... a little headline...

Common & Serena Williams
Halle Berry is expecting again

I could really care less about the details. Celebrity life is no different from yours or mine, it's just on public display. However I came across a story today that disturbed me.

Maia Campbell was a sitcom and music video star in the 90s when she suddenly dropped from the starlight. She wasn't a huge star to be missed by the masses however lately she's making a comeback in the media gossip mainstream.

Footage of Maia, which may or may not be recent, can be found all over the web. She's cursing, slightly incoherent and her appearance is sub-par. You may have heard of her mother , author Elizabeth "Bebe" Moore Campbell who passed away in 2006. She wrote a book back in 2003 titled 72 Hour Hold. I have always speculated that the character in the book, Trina, is really Maia. Trina has bipolar disorder and the book details her mother's struggles to cope with Trina's illness.

The idiot who videoed her, or better put, exploited her, propositioned her for oral sex and laughed at her strange behavior. The bloggers have labeled her as a prostitute, a meth addict, a crackhead. The driver of the car she sat in berated her for causing a scene when it was the exploiter who provoked her. Is she high on drugs? Is she prostituting as the gossip blogs suggest? That's NOT what I saw in the clip.

There is nothing fascinating about that video. It's not entertainment. It's exploitation, plain and simple. I didn't see a crackwhore acting crazy. I saw a young woman who is not well, in need of help.

My prayer is that the video is not recent. My prayer is that Maia is getting help. My prayer is that someone knows and finds the cowards who videoed her.

NOTE from YouTube site:

Flag As Inappropriate - If you are watching a video which you feel is inappropriate for YouTube, please click the "Flag" button to report the video. This button is located below every video on its watch page.

After you report the video with your selected reason, our staff will review it. If the video is found to be in violation of our Terms of Use, it will be removed from the site. Users who continually violate our Terms of Use will have their accounts penalized or possibly banned from the site permanently.

T.O.N.Y.

2009-09-02T12:49:00.009-04:00

Yesterday as I sat at my desk, at work, listening to Pandora when T.O.N.Y comes on. The song is sung by Solange Knowles off of her Sol-Angel & the Hadley St. Dreams LP. It starts with a niiiiiice beat and then the first line kicks in..

"TO.N.Y don't call no more... "

And like most things, nowadays, I am reminded on my friend... We're actually more than friends but not too heavily invested to give each other titles. But I decided to give him a new nickname...

Tony is not at all like the man Solange sings about... no he's not a one night stand, he's not some random dude, he actually does care about me... my "Tony" just has some T.O.N.Y qualities.

"T.O.N.Y don't call no more"
We actually "speak" daily and it may be in the form of an instant message or an email or via telephone but I prefer to hear his voice, his laughter (not LOL) and I want him to hear me...

"T.O.N.Y don't care no more"
Well see Tony lives a billion miles away, which is why speaking on the phone isn't always the best option and we're not on the same cell phone network... (there's no free mobile-to-mobile) And he really does care about me. He shows me daily... but I'm greedy & selfish. I've got to admit it.

"T.O.N.Y wasn't just some regular guy"
Tony was a high school sweetie. He's a few of years older and he graduated before me. We fell out of touch after high school and recently reconnected through facebook. To him I was always a little girl, someone he was interested in and couldn't understand why... and for me... well... Tony was my dream come true...

"I could have been in love by now... if it wasn't for T.O.N.Y"
See this is the deal... I'm in NY and he lives out of state... a good long drive, bus ride or even plane ride out of state. With all of my possibilities here, where I live, where I can interact with, actively date someone, if I wanted to, and lay my hands, lips & eyes on.... I choose Tony.

I choose Tony, not as some redemptive involvement where I am trying to get that ole thang back, rekindling my high school flame, basking in my hey day... The grown woman me appreciates the older, wiser and grounded Tony. Newer, improved, refined.

I choose Tony, not for the butterflies in my belly feeling, the giddy laughter we share or the high school memories we have in common. There's so much more.

"But I really like T.O.N.Y"

Through the long distance phone lines and the monthly visits we both take, Tony gives me more than I've ever had, in any man I've ever shared myself with. One example of this is... you know how Steve Harvey talks about the 3 P's that a man offers (Profess, Protects & Provides), in his book Act Like A Lady..., he exemplifies those virtues. And I have never experienced all 3 virtues in one man. And I appreciate it. A lot.

The time we take to talk, listen and understand, the layers we've uncovered and the honesty we've communicated... we both treat this like a beautiful treasure, a precious pearl... more than a 2nd chance, more like a new beginning.

We're both aware that if one of us does not relocate that what we have can only last for so long. Although he takes me to visit libraries in his city when I visit and emails me job opportunities often, we're both not sure about uprooting our lives and we're still new, in a sense, but we're open.

In Solange's song, T.O.N.Y is more like an impulse, a sidetrack, a mistake. But everything about me and my Tony is purposeful, thought out, rational. Tony is my conscious choice and no matter what happens, we enjoy our time, creating new memories, a seized opportunity, rediscovered passion...

Mr. Hill Harper

2009-08-31T15:44:00.006-04:00

One day... a number of years ago... me and DC (my sister-girlfriend) were sitting in D.allas B.BQ, the one on 72nd Street, near The Dakota, a famous New York landmark... also well known as the residence of John Lennon. As we sat eating, the waiter comes over and asks us the name of the actor who was seated behind us. Quickly we twisted our necks and what came out of of mouths was more than his name but a chant, that is now burned in our brains....

Hill Harper, Hill Harper,
Hill Harper

Also known to me and DC as the Hill Harper song...

Then he was an actor on City of Angels and starring in movies such as "In Too Deep" but Hill is currently making his mark as an inspirational speaker and author, not to mention playing the part of Dr. Sheldon Hawkes on CSI: NY.

I admire Hill... Along with being an accomplished actor, he has a JD and an MPA but chooses to act and to bring awareness to the issues of young people, encouraging them through his publications. I am anticipating his new title... The Conversation: How Black Men and Women Can Build Loving, Trusting Relationships to be released on September 8, 2009.

Tell Him... Validation

2009-08-26T17:52:00.017-04:00

The other day I was having a conversation with my brother. He tells me of one afternoon when he and his wife were sitting on the couch, enjoying a movie. A question rose within him and he turns to his wife and asks.. "Am I your prince?". Her response to him was... "If you gave me what I want, when I want it, however I may want it, then you'd be my prince. So to answer your question... No, you're not." My brother was devastated. I was hurt just from listening to him retell the story. I really wanna choke out his wife but... The therapist in me asks... "Well, how did that make you feel?" His response was... "Insignificant" (I am paraphrasing, just so you know). We continued talking and he goes on to tell me that all he wanted in that moment was to be validated.

"Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and

Tell him..."

We've all been there... asking our lovers, partners, "How do I look today?", "Am I pretty?", "Am I fine?", "Do I captivate you?". Sometimes we doubt ourselves, question our worth, question what we're giving to the relationship and we ask questions like, "Am I all you ever wanted?", "Do I make you happy?", "Are you satisfied?", "Content?". For some who've been going through hell in their personal lives and in their relationships, we long to hear reassurances, validations, just a little something to provide some wind to our wings.

I wished like hell my brother would have married a woman who would have said to him... "Prince? To hell with that! You're my King! You are beyond that!" Everybody at some point wants to feel like they are top shelf, first choice, the King/Prince... Queen/Princess in someone's life. While me and my brother talked, I reassured him, reminding him of the qualities he brings to the marriage, reminding him that he's a good man... but I know he didn't care to hear that from his little sister.

We finally got off the phone and I thought it over for days after... Of course I was fuming because no one messes with my big bro, not even his wife... but then my compassionate side spoke and said to me... She does not know how...

"Now I may have faith to make mountains fall

But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all

I can give away everything I possess

But left without love then I have no happiness

I know I'm imperfect & not without sin

But now that I'm older all childish things end

And tell him..."

I want to believe that if she knew what he wanted to hear, she would have answered that question differently. I want to believe that she's got her issues that does not allow her to address the emotional needs of her husband... And let's face it, it's hard to believe that men even have an emotional side. Women are the emotional species and men are the rational, devoid of emotion. We assume that because they are physically stronger, they are emotionally strong too. That's simply not the case.

Men need to be encouraged just as women do. They want compliments, support, and affection. They may not ask for it or demand it like a woman does... but when we love them, we must love them as we love ourselves...

"Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright"

Music Backdrop: "Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill

Stop The World

2009-08-22T03:21:00.004-04:00

For the past few weeks I have been extremely frustrated with my life. At this age and season of my life, I imagined things would be different for me… husband, 2.5 children, my own home, 2 cars, the picture perfect existence. Instead of me owning my life as it is, I’ve been asking myself “what if” questions, wondering if, somewhere through my twists and turns, did I take a wrong spin and mess everything up?

I imagine myself like the half earthling, half alien Evie in the 80s TV show Out of This World with the ability to stop and restart time… I’d go back to 1998 and begin again… or like Michael Newman in the movie Click, armed with a universal remote… I can stop, start, rewind and fast forward time… But the problem with both of these characters is that… they are both fictional and even if I could press one button and stop time, I’d be missing precious moments, memories, intricate pieces of life.

During one of my early heartbreaks, I climbed in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and allowed sleep to overtake me. I remember it being cloudy outside when I went to sleep but when I awoke many hours later it was sunny, my mother had gotten up, gone to work, and had returned back home, I missed a day of school and a new day was on the horizon. In my youth I really thought that by pulling the covers over my head I could stop the world but when I uncovered my head it was clear to me that the world never stops no matter how good or bad I may be feeling.

I remember these moments now… but for the past few weeks I’ve caused arguments, been resentful and sometimes evil. But like a bolt, it hit me… Last night I was out with friends, celebrating a birthday. We went to S.O.B.’s, a popular NY club, and it was salsa night… in all of my years of dancing, I’ve never taken salsa. Surrounded by happy people, dj’ed and live music, delightful drinks and dancing bodies, I gave myself over to the moment and danced. I danced hard and free to Cuban salsa, Jamaican reggae and Brazilian samba. Sure when I got home and turned the key, I greeted my empty abode and there was no one waiting there for me… I choose not to wallow in my circumstances, not to look at my life with regret, not to play “what if” games but to embrace my season right where I am and focus on the richness of my life.

My life is very full… yes I am single and childless but I am employed and I have some financial security. I am open to live, create and recreate as I please. At times loneliness hits me and I long for a companion but being single ain’t bad at all… the agony comes when I’m attempting to not be single.

I choose to let go… to not live in the past with the “what ifs” and no matter how powerful I think I may be, I cannot stop the world. So as the world keeps turning, I am encouraged and strengthened to keep on moving, keep on laughing, keep on achieving, keep on living, keep on loving…

Hearing Voices

2009-08-14T02:00:00.003-04:00

Don't laugh and please don't look for the NYC mobile crisis number... I'm okay!
But lately I've been hearing voices...

The other day me and my co-worker decided we wanted fish for lunch. Mc.Donald's filet-o-fish just wasn't gonna cut it so we decided to venture a few blocks over and take some extra lunch time and have some fish ala R.uby T.uesdays. De-li-cious! I was pleased me with my lunch selection and so was she. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, exactly how I wanted it.

But not everything that I want is so easily within my reach. If all I had to do was make a little time and spend the money for what I wanted, I'd be one happy woman.

Having what I want, when I want it, in the shape and function that I want it in and not being able to have it is frustrating... fresh tears have been spilling forth from my eyes and a heavy desire has been rising in my chest. I can visualize my dreams, precisely as I want them, yet they are out of my grasp.

I have been retracking my life, thinking perhaps I missed my opportunity to have what I want, maybe I need to redirect my focus, but that's extremely hard because I have this longing in my heart. The other night I sighed heavily. I shook my head in irritation and decided to go to bed early... well earlier than my normal 1 am bedtime. I had a lot on my mind and it tired me.

Today I was in a mall shopping with a friend. I can't recall the isle or the section of the store I was in when I heard the voice. I can't even remember what I was thinking about at the moment. All I know is I looked behind me because for a second I didn't realize that the voice wasn't from behind me but rose from within me.

The voice said one word to me and that one word quieted my disturbance and gave me a newfound commitment to having what I so profoundly want.

Patience.

Patience doesn't mean procrastination. Patience does not mean pause. Patience goes along with perseverance and persistence. I am motivated and rejuvenated to continue my quest of catching my dreams.

I'm not crazy! Oh I'm sure at times I suffer from some sort of psychosis, however at that moment that "patience" rang within my ears, I was completely and totally sane... and continue to be.

I Keep... Words I Type 2007 -

2009-08-11T12:16:00.016-04:00

I'M LATE, I'M LATE!!!! For my very own blog anniversary celebration...! So much is going on around me that I did not get around to posting on the actual day. Yet I didn't forget. August 10th is embedded in my memory.

Well it's been 2 years since WordsIType has been in the blog-o-sphere... On a whim, I started this blog. The writer in me wanted to open forum to share my stories, my explore the thoughts in my head, and connect with others.

Music means so much to me. I always have a theme song and most of my posts evolve out of some song I relate to. And so the background music for this here is "I Keep" by Jill Scott.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too

Moving, pressing and striving: If ever there was a time that I am moving, pressing and striving, it is now! Complacency has no place in me and there is more to be seen, heard, done and so I am keeping on.

Laughing, living, loving: If you ever meet me and we have a moment to laugh, you will hear one of the biggest laughs. I love to laugh, I laugh daily. My friend sent me a text one day and the text read... "I have breath for you." I was confused and he clarified for me... "to breathe is to live, to live is to love and so I have breath for you". I loved it! And so living and loving go hand in hand... each day, in every way, I live and love. Yeah!

Dreaming, achieving and believing: With my journal in hand, I wake up each day and write. My initial entries are usually the dreams I dreamt from the night before. I have some very lovely dreams... but then there are the dreams that I want to turn into achievements such as getting a 3rd degree, elevating higher in my career, forming a family of my own, creating my legacy. And everyday I believe and my belief gets stronger day by day...

Smiling & crying: This is funny... but lately I have been smiling & crying. That's what life and love will do sometime... place things in my heart that makes you smile and cry. My nickname as a youngster was Smiley because well after the joke was said, my smile would linger. I love the feeling of smiling, the outward expression of pleasure& happiness that resonates within my heart... and lately I've come to embrace crying... when I need to. Crying is necessary for cleansing and for strengthening. "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."

And so I Keep... I keep writing, I keep posting, I keep reading... I plan to add to that... publishing. I'm still here and I'm going to keep on pressing... I keep on sharing, I keep on growing... There is so much more to come!

Infinite Possibilities...

2009-08-07T14:39:00.006-04:00

Luv had this tag over on her blog and then The True Urban Queen also fulfilled her tag. I decided to post one as well.

I say it often enough that I am a fan of Amel Larrieux. Her vocals, her lyrics are divine. You can jam to the jazzy beat and receive a message through her words. In my opinion, that's how music is supposed to be!

She's not as popular as some neo-soul artists. Maybe she couldn't sell out big arenas but those who dig her, will dig her 20 years after her days with Groove Theory and her first solo recording. I can only speak for me... and my music collection is not complete until Amel's music is included... Here goes my post...

Pick your Artist:
Amel Larrieux

Are you a male or female:
“Beyond”

Describe yourself:
“Searchin’ For My Soul”

How do you feel:
“Get Up”

Describe where you currently live:
“Sweet Misery”

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
“Mountain of When”

Your favorite form of transportation:
“Magic”

Your best friend?
“Dear To Me”

You and your best friends are:
“All I Got”

What's the weather like:
“Weather”

Favorite time of day:
“Morning”

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
“Even If”

What is life to you:
“Just Once”

Your relationship:
“For Real”

Your fear:
“Trouble”

What is the best advice you have to give:
“Infinite Possibilities”

Thought for the Day:
“Shine”

How I would like to die:
“Sacred”

My soul's present condition:
“INI”

My motto:
“We Can Be New”

Happy Friday people!!! Have a wonderfully blessed, beautiful weekend!

My Big Ego... Honest Scrap Award

2009-08-05T11:56:00.007-04:00

Okay so the rules were for me to...

(1) Brag about it..
Wait! Hold up! My background music is playing...
"Usually I'm humble, right now I don't choose..." I've been awarded with this high and mighty award because... I am all that. Yep that's it and you know it! Ok really, I am honored, to receive The Honest Scrap Award. Thank you Luv. But still...

"I got a big ego, such a huge ego, such a huge ego
I love my big ego, it's too much
I walk like this 'cause I can back it up"

(2) Choose seven blogs I find brilliant and link to them, and..
Since my girls, True Urban Queen & Lovebabz, have been tagged, I shall tag Insatiable One & Kay C The QuietStorm. Yes I know that's only 2 blogs but it's my choice. So there!

(3) List 10 honest things about myself
Okay now... Brace yourself. I'm about to go deep so hol' on! LOL

My 10 Honest Things

1. You can call me Cougar. I adore the young male population. Not too young! I don't rob cradles! But there is something stimulating about a young face, a broad back and... stamina. Whew!

2. I got a potty mouth. However, I do not curse at church or work... well I don't curse in front of my boss... all of the time.

3. I made a promise to this man... that no matter what, no matter the distance, the time, the space, or circumstance... I would be available for intimacy with him. Now, why in the hell would I make a stupid @$$ promise like that?!?!

4. If you call my phone and have a gut feeling that I'm available yet I'm pressing the ignore button or if you call my home and feel that I'm looking at the caller ID, you're probably correct. I'm a recluse sometime. It's not personal.

5. For the 1st time in my life I am going to be a maid of honor. My best friend is getting married and I bullied and threatened her before she chose me to be her maid of honor or as the yardis call it, I'm the Chief. To think... she was considering some-body-else!

6. I have never been pregnant. It just recently amazed the hell out of my OB-GYN. Thanks Dr. Frey, you made me feel super!

7. I snore. Just yesterday I woke myself up with my own melodic hum. It was hilarious!

8. I am paranoid. A lot. About all things. I force myself to pray and make sure that my life insurance is up to date.

9. Once upon a time... I questioned my sexual orientation. However I am a bonafide pansexual... I'm just joking! Really! However I did question my sexuality and may have explored it in depth. May have...

10. I believe that anything is possible. I believe in miracles. I believe in grace and mercy. I believe in karma. I believe in love and I believe that love, indeed, conquers all.

Pacing Myself...

2009-07-22T12:33:00.007-04:00

Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.

I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...

Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.

The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.

I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.

Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.

I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...

*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison

... I

2009-07-14T17:34:00.006-04:00

Maslow created a a theory in psychology... a hierarchy of the basic needs of humans...
Dr. Oz, from Oprah, he also spoke of the 5 basic needs...
The range of the basic needs - from air to water to food to shelter to sex - varies... depending on the theories...

I went around to the QuietStorm and to Lovebabz's abodes and I see the question posted

"What Do I (You) Need?"

And the initial answer that pops in my mind is....

Not a damn thang!

I need for and want for little... sometimes nothing... because my needs are met.
Shelter - check
Food - check
Clothing - check
Oxygen - check
Sex...

However today I just bought a new pair of sandals... because I am short and I needed a new pair of sandals that will give me some height but I don't need to be uncomfortable so I need a sandal to offer height and comfort, be inexpensive, and the right color. I opted for brown and it changed my entire outfit. Now I'm out $60.00 and though the sandals look and feel wonderful, I'm pissed that I spent money at all. Now would I be happy or unhappy if buying these fabulous sandals was necessary and my need was truly met?

I need my family... my blood-related peoples, my church family, my work family... even y'all my blog peoples.
I need my job... once again, I'm happy to go unscathed from unemployment, but times are tight and this j.o.b. is my resource...
And on that note - I need my SOURCE

See when I think about all the things I think I need... more money, joy, laughter, love, nature, a better neighborhood to live in, goals, achievements, confidence, dreams... I go to HIM. When I think about all I have, my heart says thank you. He is my source, the source of all provision.

We confuse... let me personalize this... I confuse my wants and needs all of the time. Sometimes I need another "something" like I need a whole in my head. I do not recognize God as my Source every time I feel the need. Just today I realize how I created a situation that I did not want because I thought I needed a little attention. I needed my ego stroked. I needed a compliment. At times I will indulge when I feel the need... chocolate, new shoes, text and instant messaging... I'll call my girlfriends, my male friends... I'll seek out Maxwell or Amel Larrieux... but those are all false fillers, like eating sugar when I wanna stay alert or drinking soda when I'm thirsty. My source supplies my needs, even the ones I don't know I need, and I need no more.

This posting exercise has helped me recognize my needs and they are many... such as I need to forgive and then I need to let go... I need more faith and then I need to release many fears... I need self-discipline... I need boldness... I need to surrender... I need joy and I need my SOURCE - he's the great provider.

I've Got 27 Babies

2009-07-01T10:09:00.001-04:00

Their parents lend them to me and the other supervisors for a 2 hour interval every other Saturday and every 2nd & 4th Sunday for morning worship.

I'm referring to the Youth Choir at my Church.

Here we are photographed on Sunday, June 28, 2009, their Annual Day. I'm on the far right & the other supervisors are on the far left.

We sang, we celebrated and we had a good time concluding our 9 month cycle. It was hard work and we've had our share of ups and downs. If you happen to count the kids (I'm not really expecting you to), there are only 23 photographed. 2 couldn't make the event, 1 was there but he didn't participate due to a scheduling conflict and the last is on maternity leave...

We are perfect and imperfect works in progress.

It is an honor to work with these children. My Pastor appointed me to work with them 7 years ago... and I thought about quitting at least 12 times. Most people who work with youth ministries have experience working with children or have children of their own. Prior to this, I did not work with children and I do not have my own... yet through it all, I have grown with them and become attached to them.

I am proud of these talented, intelligent, marvelous children. 2 of the choir supervisors are mothers & grandmothers. The 2 younger supervisors (myself and another) have no children... yet I worry about these babies, I pray for them, I want them to excel and do better than their parents could even fathom, I want them to shine and outshine, dream dreams I couldn't even imagine. And I know my sister supervisor feels the same way.

We were honored with plaques commemorating our work and as I gave my remarks, my heart was so full I just wanted to bawl. But I held it together and said my thank yous... expressing my appreciation for all of our (church) family who helps and encourages us as we carryout our ministry.

2 of my babies are leaving to go to college. Both of them received full scholarships... I'm not just saying that my babies are intelligent, they really are! Another choir member, who didn't participate for the year because she had to attend Saturday school, graduated and also received a full scholarship for her studies. I know that these children excel because of their parents and their schools but also because of their connection to the Church.

One last thing... I forgot to tell my babies, on Sunday, that I love them. In my final remarks for the year, I forgot to tell them that I'm proud of them. I forgot to tell them to keep working hard, it's not in vain, they can be all that they want to be and even more. But as my friend who attended the annual day told me, "K, they already know" and I sure hope they do.

Like Fine Wine....

2009-06-30T14:12:00.009-04:00

Those two 67 year-old men can out-sing, out-dance most of the performers on the B.E.T. awards! I wish I could post the O'Jays performance here ... but Viacom had it removed from YouTube...

The FCC is going to get you B.E.T.! I have yet to really comment about the B.E.T. Awards because I am actually unimpressed. While I found Jamie Foxx to be vulgar (and I appreciate vulgar), there were children in the audience... of course they were children of rappers who sing songs like "Every Girl"... but children none the less.

What was that with Ving Rhames, Tyrese and Taraji? No really, what was that? While I love Baby Boy, the ultimate mama's boy, coming of age movie... B.E.T... really? You couldn't curtail that? Especially knowing that it was not scripted? Ving, Taraji, you are not improv actors and Tyrese you're excused...

Because when Tyrese, Johnny and Trey as well as Tevin Campbell took the stage, y'all made mama happeeeeeeeeeee!

Ne-yo moved me! I'm not a true fan of his, though I own his first album and right now I have no idea where it is. Ask me where is my Anita or my Erykah... But he offered his best in his performances and it was clearly visible... his craftsmanship, his committment to the art.

What ever happened to opening the show with a choreographed performances ala Paula Abdul? Or the all-star performances at the end of the awards ceremonies? I miss that... very much.

While Jay-Z is not my favorite rapper or performer, I really liked D.O.A.

T-Pain with his Big Ass Chain... 10lbs, 197 karats, $410,000... what a freaking waste!

And Maxwell... mmm mmm mmmmmm

"It's the God in Me" Mary Mary featuring Queen La, great!