real or imagined - a repost & revamp...

I have a friend who was in love with Jay-Z. Not just like being a fan and having every album, poster or t-shirt with his face on it. Even more than that. She was in a relationship with him, yet, she never met him...

She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up.  If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real.  I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.

Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.

**********

I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined? 

Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before.  I wrote this post before.  I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments.  And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.
 
Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love

versatile... whatcha call me?!?!

adaptable, all-around, universal, multipurpose, well-rounded, able, ace, adept, experienced, expert, masterful, skilled, skillful; adjustable, alterable, changeable, elastic, flexible, fluid, malleable, modifiable, variable

i want to thank sister kayc for awarding me... she is a truly beautiful and gifted woman - versatility personified. over at thoughts from the quietstorm you will find the writings of a straightforward, to-the-point woman whose got roots, she shares her stories with honesty and with such strength... i especially enjoy her random thunderstorms and storm breakers...

as a recipient of the versatile blogger award, i must provide seven random facts about myself...


1. i have an eye for error... which is a good and a bad thing... it is good for my work because i spend most of my day troubleshooting resources and i need to identify problems quickly and accurately.  i see when words are misspelled or when something, an object, is out of place i spot it right-away but it can also be a bad thing because i also see when behaviors change... you know... inconsistencies...

2. i've been called a proverbs 31 woman... and while i take it as a compliment... that woman does not sleep!  truth is, sometimes neither do i.  the proverbs 31 woman is a mother, a wife, an entrepreneur, she's a giver and while a couple of her qualities i do not possess, i don't allow idleness to settle within me... well i can't really because there's always work to do!

3. i do hair... therefore i'm a... hair-doer... not quite a stylist, in fact i wouldn't even label myself but i love hair and i love braiding it, twisting it, playing in it.  i have been known to apply relaxers, cut hair into styles, barber, twist locs - however i prefer to do hair that is coarser to the touch.

4. i am a closet, amateur, seamstress... there is very little that i buy, as far as clothing goes, that i like off the rack, so i alter it.  i say amateur because i don't like to sew and i don't own a sewing machine (yet!) so i cut, pin and then take my creations to my tailor.  a sewing machine is on the way though because i can save a whole lotta money doing the alterations myself...

5. i would love to learn how to make wine... i remember one christmas my auntie p made some peach wine. me and my cousins sat around and drank that wine until we were sloppy drunk.  i'm confident that a wine business could be in my future... should i choose to pursue one.

6. in addition to being a librarian, a church secretary, and an all-round versatile woman, i would like to pursue full-service spa ownership.  spinderella from the rap group salt-n-pepa used to own a spa called "she things", it was awesome.  my favorite spas to date are dorit baxter in nyc and serenity aveda salon in ft. lauderdale, florida but the one i will pattern mine after is cynergy. there used to be harlem location and i enjoyed their ambiance and that inspired me.

7. in the dorit baxter spa they have these adorable self-help books by handbag honeys and i would like to have these types of books in my spa.  since the handbag honeys don't seem to be in print anymore... perhaps these cute little treasures are still in demand and not only could i be the spa owner but also the author of the newer, up-to-date and ummm ethnic-influenced... titles...

now I must award another fifteen bloggers... the future recipients are to thank and link back to the one who gave you the award, share seven facts about yourself, and then nominate fifteen others who you think are versatile.  i know that i know more than fifteen who are versatile, however i shall award...

luv...
gc (god's child)...
25champ...

can i be your baby daddy?

june 25th and 26th, yes two days in a row, i went to madison square garden.  i had tickets to hear, to see, to feel maxwell.

when i heard he was coming to NYC, i booked my ticket for the show on the 25th.  the romantic side of me wanted to buy two, one for me and one for my cat daddy, but my realistic side told me to go solo.

it was only after i was seated that i felt a little alone but when maxwell came out on the stage, it became a private experience that i was so glad i went all by myself.

maxwell did not disappoint!  his energy levels were high as he sang and danced to his newer music and some of his old hits... and when the not so impromptu thong panties hit the stage and he wrapped them around the microphone and simulated something sexual with them thangs, i couldn't help but say out loud... "damn maxwell, you nasty".

he opened with "sumthin sumthin" and closed with... "pretty wings"...  and in between he rocked us with "reunion", "til the cops come knockin'", "lifetime", "stop the world", "bad habits", "drowndeep: hula" and other hits... but when he sang "this woman's work" he asked the ladies in msg can i be your baby daddy? all of the women went carazy!

jill scott opened for him on friday night... i always try to catch jill when she comes to ny but i've been missing her lately... i fall deeper and deeper in love with her art with every concert appearance.  she sang her older songs and something new to come.  i was blown away.  she was the perfect appetizer for the main course... she definitely got the ladies warmed up, feeling feminine and sexual and beautiful as she sang "golden", "he loves me", "hate on me", "long walk", and a new joint "i love you".

that was friday...

my mom happens to be an employee of madison square garden and got tickets for saturday's show... she was going to give me the tickets but i insisted that she go with me.  my mother is a homebody like my girl DC, in fact, i joke with them both that DC is truly my mother's off-spring... so on saturday my mother got dressed and we hit the town... tell me why my mother looked younger than me?  she loved the show!  she danced when maxwell danced and screamed as he wooed the women with his lyrics.

my soul-sista erykah opened on saturday night with songs from her new cd new amerykah: part two return of the ankh... "20 feet tall", "ummm hmmm" and my favorite "out my mind, just in time" but she didn't sing "window seat". :-( while her performance is always on point and thrilling to me, she wasn't the right fit... not the same level of sexy... no where near the same level of energy as jill scott and maxwell.  i enjoyed her though, a true fanatic i am.  she also sang her older songs... "me", "the healer", "on&on", "no love" and my other favorite "i want you".


all in all... maxwell dazzled me... i still get a little woozy when i think about how he performed and how my left eye swole with tears... i beam on the inside part.  you know how you see the footage of women swooning and falling out at old michael jackson concerts or even elvis? i almost felt like that... almost.

breaking fast... summer vacation 2010

i was away. i took a very short flight to a small tropical island, BERMUDA! i booked my vacation back in march and looked forward to heading to a relaxing vacation spot for the 4th of july... with none other than my frenemy DC.  there's not another person that i would vacation with but the minute that vacation begins, i'm wondering what in the hell i'm doing...

i don't trust her with my camera.  she takes the WoRsT pictures... do you see her side-eyeing the camera?  well back before digital cams, i actually took the worst pics because i always had my finger over the lense but DC will cut your head off. just crazy. this is us walking in newark airport...

she had just warned me to put the camera away, i looked too touristy and no one takes pics on the plane... well i like to snap photos so i snuck this one in...

this is me walking on the tarmac.  i've never walked on tarmac before. i was hyped... i'm walking like the president does... but i'm also tired.  bermuda is only a little over an hour away and i thought i was gonna catch a nap but noooo dc doesn't like to see anybody sleeping.

we'd just passed customs.  if you've ever or never traveled to bermuda, they don't like you bringing NOTHING onto their island. if you do, it can't total more than $30 or so dollars in value. well... we sneaky folks packed our stuff and we got the items through.

this is dc's cousin, he's a native bermudian and we stayed with him... bermuda is one expensive island.  their summers are our summers since they are a little off the coast of the carolinas and during peak season the price of a hotel room is ridiculous.  i like dc's cousin... he's tall, he's fine and he carries bags!

me again... in the back of dc's cousin's car thinking... "THESE CARS ARE TIGHT"... bermuda is so small and they drive these special mini vehicles like the smart car, fords, peugeots, bmws... but they might as well all be smart cars! they are smaller than the average small. and since they drive on the left side of the road and the steering wheel in on the right side of the car, dc's cousin might as well drove the car while sitting on my lap.

day 1 in bermuda... we got to the aquarium where they also have a peacock that walks around... freely.  i love peacocks and i thought i was sweet-talking it into spreading its wings but no.  instead the peacock screamed for me. have you ever heard a peacock's mow?

that night we ventured out for bermuda's night life. i stretched my hair a bit and we got dolled up.  dc wouldn't pose for a pic ;-(  that may be why we only stayed out for 2 hours.. maybe 3 and that included dinner time.  truth is, dc is not a party girl.  she's a homebody.  put me in a club or anywhere there is music and you can leave me but not on an island where i don't know anyone and a d-train can't take me home...

day 2 and we're on bermuda's ferry-line heading to dockyard.  if you've taken a cruise to bermuda, you've docked at dockyard.  yeah the bermudians are simple people.  there's a road in the middle of the island and the name of the road is middle road.  there's a bird on the island and the bird has a long tail the name of the bird is the bermuda long tail.  simple.

it must have been the weather but for some reason my clothes were ripping apart.  my strap just popped off of my shirt. thank goodness the other one held up... and i smiled through it all...

dc... you ever pressed a zoom button before?  nope... see this is the pic that dc took... i let her snap a couple or else i wouldn't have pics of me near the clear blue waters...

day 3 and we're waiting for our table for sunday brunch...  our reservation was at 3:00, brunch is over at 3:30 and we didn't get sat until 3:35... they didn't even throw in free mimosas!  brunch was expensive, nice but not a free thang.

here's a smiling pic... wait - dc is still mean-mugging it...

when you've been to beaches that look like this, it's so hard to go to a beach where the water is a dark murky green as it is here in NYC.

day 3 and 4 we head to the beach... dc's cousin dropped us off but we had to walk back.  everything and everywhere on bermuda is walking distance away but i ain't nev-ver walked on a road like this one here.  and though walking is what i do with no car and living in the city, island walking is way different. this is tribe road no. 5 and while it's lush and beautiful, it looks like it's name. there's an incline on this road that made my body hurt.

the houses on bermuda are painted in pastels, which makes me think of ice-cream or better than that, sherbet.
the house we stayed in is up this hill and one night we went out and though dc asked me if i wanted to take a taxi back, i declined. i don't take taxis when i'm away. it was dark, midnight dark, and luckily bermuda is a relatively safe island because my fears would have told me that i would be attacked or robbed.  five steps up this hill and my chest is burning.  i look up and see that dc is mid-way up the hill, steady striding.  that heffa didn't even look back for me. she waited at the top though...

day 5 and we're having afternoon tea with dc's cousin.  bermuda was a british colony and so they do as the british do. afternoon tea.  i think i was tipsy all day of day 5. we had champagne and bloody mary shots at the tea, went to a wine tasting after that and later dinner with dc's family where me and her aunt tore up a bottle of pinot noir. day 5 was a good day.

day 6 and we're leaving... but before we left we decided to walk dc's cousin's doberman pinscher.  i don't know why i'm smiling because doberman is about to run up tribe road no. 5 while I am holding his leash.  no bueno.  not on my last day.  not while i am wearing flip flops.

and here we are, me and doberman, chatting it up in the kitchen, after the walk. i'm telling him to be good and he better miss me since doberman stayed licking my toes the whole trip. dc didn't take this pic, her cousin did.  i wish he hung with us. i would have gotten him to take my pics for me... and possibly with me... nah mean?!?!?!

this pic reminds me of what our friendship represents... longevity, faithfulness, trust and strength.  we have a lot of pics like this... ones when we were younger and this one now that we're in our 30s... but to me we look like, for a moment, that we were still in our teens, that we're still little girls, returning from our island venture.

i write like...

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

I went to: http://iwl.me/ and put in some of my blog writing and that's my result... I write like Stephen King... wow... Try it and let me know who you write like...

herstory

nineteen years ago... we sat at my kitchen table.  it was mid-summer and she was spending the summer in new york city rather than her suburban hometown.  she told me she thought she was pregnant. i didn't want to believe it. i didn't want her to be pregnant.  being pregnant meant that we weren't little girls anymore.  i mean i would still be the little girl but she'd be the woman.  i think back to then and realize that... wow, we were never really close after that summer...

i took my $20 weekly allowance and bought a $10 pregnancy test.  we needed to know.  we had been hanging out kinda tough and we had been drinking. she had been pregnant once before.  her father took her to get an abortion and afterward cursed her, telling her she'd be knocked up again in 6 months.  through tears she swore she wouldn't be.  she swore she'd be a good girl, get good grades, stay away from boys.  4 months later we sat in my bathroom, her on the commode, me on the side of the tub and cried because that clear blue easy line appeared and got darker and darker and our suspicions were confirmed and WE felt like WE failed.

i asked her what she was gonna do.  i had friends who got free abortions.  i kept the number just in case i ever slipped up.  she didn't have to return home to handle her business, WE could get her a free abortion right away, act like nothing ever happened and she'd return home in august as if our summer was filled with fun and good times.  she must have wrestled with that thought all night because the next morning, with red rimmed eyes, she looked at me and told me SHE was keeping her baby. damn what her father said and felt. damn that free abortion that i told her about. the 1st child was aborted and that was all her father's idea, but this 2nd child was created in love and keeping this was her conviction.

for the next 2 weeks i cooked every meal for her - breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks.  one day i chased the ice cream truck halfway down the block because she was feigning for a chocolate cone with sprinkles.  with my following week's allowance, i bought her a huge jar of palmer's cocoa butter for her belly that hadn't stretched at all, but we knew it would.

she returned home and didn't tell her parents a word.  she hid her pregnancy and put up a front every month as if she was receiving her cycle.  eventually her mother found out and told my mother and my mum, the clairvoyant one, she knew that i knew... could remember that one week when my penny pinching self spent all of my allowance in 2 days.

nineteen years later... and this young lady is now a happy and successful woman.  she is married to the love of her life, she has 3 beautiful children, owns a home, owns 2 cars and her eighteen year old daughter has gone to her prom and has earned her high school diploma.  as i beamed at my little cousin's prom and graduation pics i couldn't help but think of that summer and admire my cousin's determination to keep her baby.  it wasn't easy.  my cousin leaned and depended on her parents for years!  slowly but surely she gained her independence and handled her grown womanness.  if she listened to me, there'd be no celebration taking place, no tears of joy, no witness to God's miracle of life - and i'm glad that she was determined to do things her way.

i need

by now... if you've been visiting me long enough then you know that i'm an erykah badu fan and "fan" is an understatement.  if the myth about her is anything next to true, she's entranced me from day one.
it's been a good long while since i've chosen a song as my theme song... a song that when i hear it, my head drops, my eyes close and my lips spread in a smile...my recent choice... "window seat"... while the video has caught major buzz lately, it's the lyrics that delight me.

it's that part... the bridge, when the music changes to the 3 beats and then a clap... the part where she's singing about needing... i personalized it... i'm sure we all do it and that's what makes a song, a poem, a piece of literary work so distinctive for us.

the song speaks of something that's hard for me to admit to... the fact that i need.  i have no problem saying what it is i want and especially what i do not want... but need?  needing seems to imply that there's something or someone that i am lacking and i know that i've got all of my needs met... food, check... clothing, check... a job, check... shelter, check... stable family relationships, check...

one night i got an email from one of my suitors where he asked me "what do you need?".  he wanted to give me something special but i appear to have it all so he asked me "what do you need?".  i have given to him... he loves jazz and i love maysa and lalah and i wanted him to have something special from me.  so i bought us tickets to see lalah and bought him the latest maysa cd.  my truth is... i'm not a good receiver... receiving doesn't settle well in my spirit.  i feel the need to overcompensate to the giver instead of receiving and relishing in my gift given... so it's a little difficult and vulnerable for me to ask for what it is i need. and just like life... as i clicked reply to answer his email, "window seat" pops on the radio...

i need you to want me... that's a friend of mine who asked me what do i need.  he's the king of the poker face... while his texts and phone calls let me know he wants me, i'm still not fully convinced, or his grown man game is different from what i'm used to...
i need you to miss me... that's my long distance love (yep that's 2 men, i'm grown and i'm single!)... and though i've seen him recently and we speak all the time, long distance is what it is...
i need your attention... that's for my babies at church... you know young people are know-it-alls and just for a minute, i would like their full attention and they can avoid some of the mistakes they make...
i need you next to me... my bed is empty... there's nothing like a 98.6 degrees laying next to you, up under you, leg thrown across you, arm draping 'round you...
i need someone to clap for me... that's my supervisor, her supervisors, hell all the people at work.  a thank you, a high five, a slight nod that my work is appreciated...
i need someone to come get me... i want to be rescued... i want to be sought after, pursued, captured...
i need your energy... i need my mothers... my biological and adopted mums... those strong women who nurture with their kind words and thoughtful pats on the back... who mother the little girl in me and support the woman i've become
i need your direction... GOD... nuff said...