in solitude...

if the life expectancy is still seventy years of age, then in the next five days i am embarking upon mid-life...
i expected the excitement and the thrill of reaching this milestone to engross me... i expected to celebrate my b'earthday with a big shebang with my friends... with my love... parties... las vegas... dinners and the like...

however as my day approaches, i'm not really in the party mood.  i do not want to go to a club. a trip to vegas does not agree with my pocketbook and while my friends are eager to help me celebrate, my b'earthday is really about me, not them.

i questioned myself and my mental... could i be slightly depressed? feeling that my life has not quite met my expectations, am i full of regret? am i quietly reluctant about turning 35 and therefore hesitant to celebrate?

now right here is where i can begin the lie and say that i am rejoiceful and excited. i can write that i can't wait to see what awaits me for the next 35. i am positive and forward thinking and openly expectant... but i'm telling you... that would be a lie.

i question the choices i have made.  and while i am forward thinking, i am also wondering... am i happy with my life choices? am i saving enough money? given the time and chance, what will i do differently?  what can i do better? and in my examination of me i suppose the pleasure of celebration has departed...

at 34 years and 360 days of age... i do not have regrets.  i really could have handled myself and some people differently but i know that everything in my life is as it should be. the people, my family and friends, are divinely placed.  i have lived... i mean i have liveded and i am, overall, pleased with my choices.

if i am blessed to, i will be sure celebrate many more b'earthdays with fanfare.  i will finally visit vegas and paris, rio and johannesburg. i will throw myself or possibly someone will throw me big surprise b'earthday bashes. i will buy my first home and my first car (it is so not necessary to drive in nyc). i embrace that i have some more living and learning and loving to do but when the clock strives twelve on year thirty-five, i will gratefully celebrate my life just as it is (which in truth is full of content and peace and plentiful blessings)...

i will enjoy myself in solitude...

note from the universe

i received this note from the universe just the other day and it has ruminated in my mind since... i just had to share it...

******

 
What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased?

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged?

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless?

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what?
The Universe

What if this was a forever dance, and you and I were forever partners?

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®

book love

wench... that's the book i went into the library looking for.  it's my book club selection for the month and as i always do, i read it close to the meeting time because i'm a procrastinator so i can remember the details.

i bought the last book we read (the other wes moore) and while i enjoyed it, buying books is not my thing.  libraries are funded to buy books and they offer free lending privileges.  i support local libraries.  it's funny though... sharing is not one of my strengths. i don't like sharing good food (especially a delicious chunk of chocolate cake), i am a little freer with sharing my money, strongly opposed to sharing a man! but i find joy in being able to share books.

i scan the "new book" shelves.  i don't see wench but i do remember the book that i saw on my last visit and decide to pick it up.  i know the title.  i know the authors.

it's not on the "new book" shelves as it was the last time i was here but i am not thwarted.  i know where they keep the mystery fiction and i head to those shelves but for some reason i can't remember the author's name.  in my mind i'm saying "he's that dude on the cover of essence for this month, that dude from "in treatment", damn! he's married to my old co-worker's sister - something dacosta.  i know the names of the co-authors - tananarive due and her hubby steven barnes - but i know the book will be under his name. damn!"  i say the title out loud from capetown with love and like magic his name slips off of the tip of my tongue...

blair underwood

i almost did a two-step when i found the book on the shelf with the call number MYSTERY FIC U (U for underwood) as i knew it would be and i quickly head to the self check-out.  i read the other 2 books in tennyson hardwick series - casanegra and in the night of the heat and after reading the last mystery fiction by walter mosley known to evil, i am still in the mood...

i skipped and/or levitated to the train heading home.  as soon as i found a comfortable place to stand :-( i opened the book.  i liked it instantly.  after the dedications, after the quotes, there is a suggested mp3 soundtrack list in the book.  what?!?!  good music to go with my reading pleasure!  i smiled.

maxwell, jill scott, the o'jays, sy smith, marvin gaye, alicia keys, india arie and other artists are suggested - i'm hyped and as i turn page one of the prologue, i notice that the pages are stuck... usually that's repulsive - not knowing what was on the previous reader's fingers but in this case the pages are stuck because it appears as if this book is NEW.

it may not seem like much but i treasure the little things... and for me this lightly read/new book sitting on the shelf of the busiest circulating library in the city is a small fortune.

to all de peoples...

summer is not over... sure it may be september and the children go back to school... if they haven't already gone back... but it's a hot time in nyc for all de peoples...

i am so excited about the west indian american day parade that takes place every labor day on eastern parkway in brooklyn.

the party actually begins with events on thursday straight through to monday with bands playing, people dancing, everybody celebrating...

the parkway gets crowded and it's best to get there early, pick your spot and get ready to jam all day. for 43 years west indians, any and everybody of african descent has gather to jump up and wine to soca and calypso... carnavaaal music!

as for me.. i'll be on de parkway too, waving mi flag!!!

The flag of Antigua & Barbuda

because i love it so, here's two soca songs... i hope you enjoy! and wine too! ;-Denjoy a wonderful labor day weekend!