'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.

Chocolate Brown Brother... V

And my last Chocolate Brown Brother post...

He is my King,

He is my one

Yes he's my father, Yes he's my son

I can talk to him, cuz he understands

Everything I go through and everything I am

He's my support system, I can't live without him

The best thing since sliced bread

Is his kiss, his hugs, his lips, his touch

And I just want the whole world to know, about my...

Brown Brotha, I love ya, I will never - try to hurt ya

I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true cuz you're my

Brown Brotha, strong brotha, there is no - one above ya

I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true

He's misunderstood, some say that he's up to no good around the neighborhood

But fo' your information - alot of my brothers got education (now check it)

You got ya Wall Street brotha, ya blue collar brotha

Your down for whatever chillin' on the corner brother

A talented brotha, and to everyone of ya'll behind bars

You know that MsKnowitAll loves ya - LOL

You mean so much to me, you give me what I need, I'm so proud of you

I love you for stayin' strong, you got it goin' on I'm so proud of you

Going through thick and thin, brothas you gonna win I'm so proud of you

Whenever you facin' doubt, brothas gon' work it out I'm so proud of you

(I got my shakable faith in ya)

Chocolate Brown Brother... IV

Have you ever read a book and fallen in love with the Chocolate Brown Brother main character?

No?

Well I know I have!

I have a visual imagination and when I read a story I try to envision the characters. Depending on their characteristics I may picture them looking like someone I know in my personal life. However after seeing Devil in a Blue Dress, I know the casting director could not have picked a better, sexier person to play Ezekiel (Easy) Rawlins than Denzel Washington. Easy Rawlins is one smooth private investigator who with his close friend and partner in crime, Raymond (Mouse) Alexander has been solving crimes, kicking butt and saving lives in 10ish Easy Rawlins mysteries. After seeing the movie, I've always pictured Denzel as Easy and Don Cheadle as Mouse in my reading.

Then when Walter Mosley released the Fearless Jones mysteries... even though Paris Minton is the narrator and main character who falls into the most trouble, always gets beat up and solves the crime in the end, it's his buddy Fearless who comes through whupping heads and leaving behind a badass reputation. So if anyone ever decides to write a screenplay of this mystery series, they should ask me first because I always picture Michael Jai White and his martial artist skills kicking butt and escaping death time and time again.

Lastly... there's Gideon from author Eric Jerome Dickey. Gideon I'm pretty sure is really the main character Dante from Thieves Paradise however Dickey brings Gideon to light in his Gideon Trilogy Series (Sleeping with Strangers, Waking with Enemies and the soon-to-be- released Dying for Revenge). Gideon is a ruthless, contract killer who meets these 2 mysterious women on a flight to London and let me tell you.... there are at least 100 pages of borderline porn, explicit sex I tell you! So to me Gideon is pure hotness. If they ever created a screenplay of this trilogy, Tyrese (Black Ty) Gibson should definitely be Gideon. Yes Lawd!

Chocolate Brown Brother... III

Part III of my Chocolate Brown Brother theme...

When I was younger, I dated within my age bracket but as I got older, I find that I am naturally attracted to older men. My guy is 8 years older and though, that's not too bad, when I was 18, I dated a man who was 35.

I guess it began when I reached puberty at an early age and older men more so than the young boys were attracted to the thick, shapely me. I remember in the 5th grade when my 1st love Mauricio told me he wouldn't go with me because I was fat. Now Mauricio's mother and all 3 of his sisters were heavysets. Here we are 20+ years later and now Mauricio wanna be sweating a sister.

Okay I rambled there...

In any case, I love an older, seasoned man, younger than my daddy but strong, confident and able to hold and stand his ground. While I hold my own financially, I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me and I'm not looking to take care of anyone either. I don't want to have to help him pay his rent or house note nor loan him money to pay off the money he borrowed from his mama. Older men tend to be financially sound... well some of them anyway.

While I'm sure men in their early 30s are great, I prefer the mannerism and chivalry of an older gentleman. For me it's not all about sex, cars and clothes... all of the time - LOL - but about music, culture, art, theories, philosophies and so much more. I won't knock a man closer to my age if he's got his head on straight but he's got to have the finesse that most older men have perfected and possess.

Happy Birthday....

Continuing with my Chocolate Brown Brother theme this week...

Today is one of my on-the-job honey's birthday

He's the one I actually dated years ago...

But we didn't work out and now he's married and I'm committed...

Yet we have/had some unsettled business

Never really made peace with each other

We've agreed to be friends again

Yet there's this tension between us

Tension that will just have to go unreleased

If you know what I mean...

In any case...

He's a big chocolate brown brother

Tall and handsome

I went 3 years not speaking to him

And every one of those years I missed him dearly

I tried to front and act like seeing him didn't bother me

I told my friends I was over him

But every time I saw him

And especially if he was talking with another woman

I'd get jealous

And turn around and hate him more and more

What I missed most

Were our intimate moments

Shared on the telephone

Or at a movie theater

Or sitting while reading my psychology texts books

He's a strong brother

With this big resounding voice

He's articulate

And eloquent

Even though he's tall and strong

He's gentle and kind

Today I wished him a Happy Birthday

Filled with love and joy and happiness

And for once, I truly meant it

Chocolate Brown Brother

There’s nothing like a chocolate brown brother
Looking fine
Smelling good
Smiling at you
Greeting you with a hello
Moves in for a peck on the cheek
A brief hug
Asks you about your day
Gives you the once over
Checks out your goodies
Tells you “You lookin’ good woman”
And walks off
Leaving you smiling
While your imagination runs a mile a minute