Hearing Voices

Don't laugh and please don't look for the NYC mobile crisis number... I'm okay!
But lately I've been hearing voices...

The other day me and my co-worker decided we wanted fish for lunch. Mc.Donald's filet-o-fish just wasn't gonna cut it so we decided to venture a few blocks over and take some extra lunch time and have some fish ala R.uby T.uesdays. De-li-cious! I was pleased me with my lunch selection and so was she. I got what I wanted, when I wanted it, exactly how I wanted it.

But not everything that I want is so easily within my reach. If all I had to do was make a little time and spend the money for what I wanted, I'd be one happy woman.

Having what I want, when I want it, in the shape and function that I want it in and not being able to have it is frustrating... fresh tears have been spilling forth from my eyes and a heavy desire has been rising in my chest. I can visualize my dreams, precisely as I want them, yet they are out of my grasp.

I have been retracking my life, thinking perhaps I missed my opportunity to have what I want, maybe I need to redirect my focus, but that's extremely hard because I have this longing in my heart. The other night I sighed heavily. I shook my head in irritation and decided to go to bed early... well earlier than my normal 1 am bedtime. I had a lot on my mind and it tired me.

Today I was in a mall shopping with a friend. I can't recall the isle or the section of the store I was in when I heard the voice. I can't even remember what I was thinking about at the moment. All I know is I looked behind me because for a second I didn't realize that the voice wasn't from behind me but rose from within me.

The voice said one word to me and that one word quieted my disturbance and gave me a newfound commitment to having what I so profoundly want.

Patience.

Patience doesn't mean procrastination. Patience does not mean pause. Patience goes along with perseverance and persistence. I am motivated and rejuvenated to continue my quest of catching my dreams.

I'm not crazy! Oh I'm sure at times I suffer from some sort of psychosis, however at that moment that "patience" rang within my ears, I was completely and totally sane... and continue to be.

I Keep... Words I Type 2007 -

I'M LATE, I'M LATE!!!! For my very own blog anniversary celebration...! So much is going on around me that I did not get around to posting on the actual day. Yet I didn't forget. August 10th is embedded in my memory.

Well it's been 2 years since WordsIType has been in the blog-o-sphere... On a whim, I started this blog. The writer in me wanted to open forum to share my stories, my explore the thoughts in my head, and connect with others.

Music means so much to me. I always have a theme song and most of my posts evolve out of some song I relate to. And so the background music for this here is "I Keep" by Jill Scott.

I keep
Moving forward, pressing onward, striving further
I keep
Keep on laughing, keep on living, keep on loving yeah
I keep
Keep on dreaming keep on achieving, keep on believing
I keep
I keep smiling when I come thru ...and I cry when I need too

Moving, pressing and striving: If ever there was a time that I am moving, pressing and striving, it is now! Complacency has no place in me and there is more to be seen, heard, done and so I am keeping on.


Laughing, living, loving: If you ever meet me and we have a moment to laugh, you will hear one of the biggest laughs. I love to laugh, I laugh daily. My friend sent me a text one day and the text read... "I have breath for you." I was confused and he clarified for me... "to breathe is to live, to live is to love and so I have breath for you". I loved it! And so living and loving go hand in hand... each day, in every way, I live and love. Yeah!


Dreaming, achieving and believing: With my journal in hand, I wake up each day and write. My initial entries are usually the dreams I dreamt from the night before. I have some very lovely dreams... but then there are the dreams that I want to turn into achievements such as getting a 3rd degree, elevating higher in my career, forming a family of my own, creating my legacy. And everyday I believe and my belief gets stronger day by day...



Smiling & crying: This is funny... but lately I have been smiling & crying. That's what life and love will do sometime... place things in my heart that makes you smile and cry. My nickname as a youngster was Smiley because well after the joke was said, my smile would linger. I love the feeling of smiling, the outward expression of pleasure& happiness that resonates within my heart... and lately I've come to embrace crying... when I need to. Crying is necessary for cleansing and for strengthening. "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy."



And so I Keep... I keep writing, I keep posting, I keep reading... I plan to add to that... publishing. I'm still here and I'm going to keep on pressing... I keep on sharing, I keep on growing... There is so much more to come!

Infinite Possibilities...

Luv had this tag over on her blog and then The True Urban Queen also fulfilled her tag. I decided to post one as well.

I say it often enough that I am a fan of Amel Larrieux. Her vocals, her lyrics are divine. You can jam to the jazzy beat and receive a message through her words. In my opinion, that's how music is supposed to be!

She's not as popular as some neo-soul artists. Maybe she couldn't sell out big arenas but those who dig her, will dig her 20 years after her days with Groove Theory and her first solo recording. I can only speak for me... and my music collection is not complete until Amel's music is included... Here goes my post...


Pick your Artist:
Amel Larrieux

Are you a male or female:
“Beyond”

Describe yourself:
“Searchin’ For My Soul”

How do you feel:
“Get Up”

Describe where you currently live:
“Sweet Misery”

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?
“Mountain of When”

Your favorite form of transportation:
“Magic”

Your best friend?
“Dear To Me”

You and your best friends are:
“All I Got”

What's the weather like:
“Weather”

Favorite time of day:
“Morning”

If your life was a TV show, what would it be called:
“Even If”

What is life to you:
“Just Once”

Your relationship:
“For Real”

Your fear:
“Trouble”

What is the best advice you have to give:
“Infinite Possibilities”

Thought for the Day:
“Shine”

How I would like to die:
“Sacred”

My soul's present condition:
“INI”

My motto:
“We Can Be New”

Happy Friday people!!! Have a wonderfully blessed, beautiful weekend!

My Big Ego... Honest Scrap Award

Okay so the rules were for me to...

(1) Brag about it..
Wait! Hold up! My background music is playing...
"Usually I'm humble, right now I don't choose..." I've been awarded with this high and mighty award because... I am all that. Yep that's it and you know it! Ok really, I am honored, to receive The Honest Scrap Award. Thank you Luv. But still...

"I got a big ego, such a huge ego, such a huge ego
I love my big ego, it's too much
I walk like this 'cause I can back it up"

(2) Choose seven blogs I find brilliant and link to them, and..
Since my girls, True Urban Queen & Lovebabz, have been tagged, I shall tag Insatiable One & Kay C The QuietStorm. Yes I know that's only 2 blogs but it's my choice. So there!

(3) List 10 honest things about myself
Okay now... Brace yourself. I'm about to go deep so hol' on! LOL

My 10 Honest Things

1. You can call me Cougar. I adore the young male population. Not too young! I don't rob cradles! But there is something stimulating about a young face, a broad back and... stamina. Whew!

2. I got a potty mouth. However, I do not curse at church or work... well I don't curse in front of my boss... all of the time.

3. I made a promise to this man... that no matter what, no matter the distance, the time, the space, or circumstance... I would be available for intimacy with him. Now, why in the hell would I make a stupid @$$ promise like that?!?!

4. If you call my phone and have a gut feeling that I'm available yet I'm pressing the ignore button or if you call my home and feel that I'm looking at the caller ID, you're probably correct. I'm a recluse sometime. It's not personal.

5. For the 1st time in my life I am going to be a maid of honor. My best friend is getting married and I bullied and threatened her before she chose me to be her maid of honor or as the yardis call it, I'm the Chief. To think... she was considering some-body-else!

6. I have never been pregnant. It just recently amazed the hell out of my OB-GYN. Thanks Dr. Frey, you made me feel super!

7. I snore. Just yesterday I woke myself up with my own melodic hum. It was hilarious!

8. I am paranoid. A lot. About all things. I force myself to pray and make sure that my life insurance is up to date.

9. Once upon a time... I questioned my sexual orientation. However I am a bonafide pansexual... I'm just joking! Really! However I did question my sexuality and may have explored it in depth. May have...

10. I believe that anything is possible. I believe in miracles. I believe in grace and mercy. I believe in karma. I believe in love and I believe that love, indeed, conquers all.

Pacing Myself...

Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.

I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...

Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.

The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.

I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.

Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.

I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...


*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison

... I

Maslow created a a theory in psychology... a hierarchy of the basic needs of humans...
Dr. Oz, from Oprah, he also spoke of the 5 basic needs...
The range of the basic needs - from air to water to food to shelter to sex - varies... depending on the theories...

I went around to the QuietStorm and to Lovebabz's abodes and I see the question posted

"What Do I (You) Need?"

And the initial answer that pops in my mind is....

Not a damn thang!

I need for and want for little... sometimes nothing... because my needs are met.
Shelter - check
Food - check
Clothing - check
Oxygen - check
Sex...

However today I just bought a new pair of sandals... because I am short and I needed a new pair of sandals that will give me some height but I don't need to be uncomfortable so I need a sandal to offer height and comfort, be inexpensive, and the right color. I opted for brown and it changed my entire outfit. Now I'm out $60.00 and though the sandals look and feel wonderful, I'm pissed that I spent money at all. Now would I be happy or unhappy if buying these fabulous sandals was necessary and my need was truly met?

I need my family... my blood-related peoples, my church family, my work family... even y'all my blog peoples.
I need my job... once again, I'm happy to go unscathed from unemployment, but times are tight and this j.o.b. is my resource...
And on that note - I need my SOURCE

See when I think about all the things I think I need... more money, joy, laughter, love, nature, a better neighborhood to live in, goals, achievements, confidence, dreams... I go to HIM. When I think about all I have, my heart says thank you. He is my source, the source of all provision.

We confuse... let me personalize this... I confuse my wants and needs all of the time. Sometimes I need another "something" like I need a whole in my head. I do not recognize God as my Source every time I feel the need. Just today I realize how I created a situation that I did not want because I thought I needed a little attention. I needed my ego stroked. I needed a compliment. At times I will indulge when I feel the need... chocolate, new shoes, text and instant messaging... I'll call my girlfriends, my male friends... I'll seek out Maxwell or Amel Larrieux... but those are all false fillers, like eating sugar when I wanna stay alert or drinking soda when I'm thirsty. My source supplies my needs, even the ones I don't know I need, and I need no more.

This posting exercise has helped me recognize my needs and they are many... such as I need to forgive and then I need to let go... I need more faith and then I need to release many fears... I need self-discipline... I need boldness... I need to surrender... I need joy and I need my SOURCE - he's the great provider.

I've Got 27 Babies

Their parents lend them to me and the other supervisors for a 2 hour interval every other Saturday and every 2nd & 4th Sunday for morning worship.

I'm referring to the Youth Choir at my Church.

Here we are photographed on Sunday, June 28, 2009, their Annual Day. I'm on the far right & the other supervisors are on the far left.

We sang, we celebrated and we had a good time concluding our 9 month cycle. It was hard work and we've had our share of ups and downs. If you happen to count the kids (I'm not really expecting you to), there are only 23 photographed. 2 couldn't make the event, 1 was there but he didn't participate due to a scheduling conflict and the last is on maternity leave...

We are perfect and imperfect works in progress.

It is an honor to work with these children. My Pastor appointed me to work with them 7 years ago... and I thought about quitting at least 12 times. Most people who work with youth ministries have experience working with children or have children of their own. Prior to this, I did not work with children and I do not have my own... yet through it all, I have grown with them and become attached to them.

I am proud of these talented, intelligent, marvelous children. 2 of the choir supervisors are mothers & grandmothers. The 2 younger supervisors (myself and another) have no children... yet I worry about these babies, I pray for them, I want them to excel and do better than their parents could even fathom, I want them to shine and outshine, dream dreams I couldn't even imagine. And I know my sister supervisor feels the same way.

We were honored with plaques commemorating our work and as I gave my remarks, my heart was so full I just wanted to bawl. But I held it together and said my thank yous... expressing my appreciation for all of our (church) family who helps and encourages us as we carryout our ministry.

2 of my babies are leaving to go to college. Both of them received full scholarships... I'm not just saying that my babies are intelligent, they really are! Another choir member, who didn't participate for the year because she had to attend Saturday school, graduated and also received a full scholarship for her studies. I know that these children excel because of their parents and their schools but also because of their connection to the Church.

One last thing... I forgot to tell my babies, on Sunday, that I love them. In my final remarks for the year, I forgot to tell them that I'm proud of them. I forgot to tell them to keep working hard, it's not in vain, they can be all that they want to be and even more. But as my friend who attended the annual day told me, "K, they already know" and I sure hope they do.