Certified

I remember coming home from school.  It was probably 1990, maybe 1991 so I was in high school.  As I turned onto my block, I noticed that mid-way to my building, there was a crowd outside.  I wasn't afraid of a crowd of youth then so I approached.

On my block... my block?... there was Guru.  The rap half of rap duo Gangstarr.  He was surrounded by his entourage and every speaker in everyone's home on the block was put to every window and in synchrony they all blasted "Words I Manifest"... or at least that's what it seemed like to me.

I have no idea why Guru was on my block.  He wasn't even from the Bronx.  Anyone could tell from his rhymes that he was clearly from Baaahston.  As a successful rapper, he could have chilled anywhere, my block is nothing special so clearly he must have known someone.  As delighted as I was to see him, I had to head home.  If I called my mother a minute after 3:35, she'd go crazy on me. I could have tried to sneak back out, hang out with the entire block and Guru, but I opted not to.  Just seeing him, gazing at him (stalker-like) in passing, and having that moment engraved in my memory was enough.  I called every friend I had and my boyfriend and told them who I just saw.  You know they ain't believe me.

This mellow voiced maestro has a distinctive sound.... was essential to hip-hop... while everyone left the jazz sampling in the 90s, he continued creating 4 volumes of Guru's Jazzmatazz.  I don't listen to hip-hop as I used to and we all know that the time and quality that was once poured into the genre is presently lacking.  Just take a look at Guru's lyrics from "Manifest"...

I suggest you take a breath for the words I manifest
they will scold you and mold you, while I impress upon
you the fact that, I use my tact at
rhymin for climbin, and chill while I attract that
girl you're with, I got a sincere quality
I give her all of me, cause you're too small to be
tryin to riff, so let me uplift and shift my gift
Let's go to the fullest capacity
I got tenacity, because I have to be
The brother who must live and give with much insight
Foresight to ignite, excite and delight
And you might gain from it, or feel pain from it
Because I'm ultimate, and I'm about to let off
Knowledge is wisdom, understanding
Truth's the proof, so won't you throw a hand
in the air, put up a peace sign and be fine
If so we're feeling good we should we could we would
Stop, think for a moment OK?
And then sway while I convey that we must do away
with all the stress and the strife, so god bless your life
Use kindness, and never blindness
And you will find that this perspective is best, check it out
These are the words that I manifest, I manifest

On Monday, April 19, 2010, Keith Guru Elam transitioned from this life. He is, was and will always continue to be certified...

brevity of life

i spoke to my love this morning and i didn't hear what i wanted to hear. i haven't held him or smelled his scent since december '09 and the distance has been weighing on me.  i'm thinking in my head and out loud that another month is passing and i'm not seeing you.  i know you miss me and i miss you dearly but we need to make something happen.  every other day i'm yelling and angry my needs aren't met and he's apologizing, sweet talking and making promises. empty.

shortly after the phone call ended, i received a text from one of my sisters from church.  the death angel has visited my fellowship and the family of one of our esteemed members.  we all knew he was transitioning.  he has been battling cancer for the past 18 months and the doctors sent him home on sunday night with painkillers and hopeful wishes.  today i received a text i wasn't prepared for, a text that makes all of my nonsense suddenly ridiculous. while i argue with my love and long to see him, hold him, i am grateful that i heard his voice this morning and i still have him in my life while my big sister in the faith is saying her final goodbyes to her soulmate.  the pain i have in my heart is now for her and her family.

upon leaving the restroom where i cried myself into a full-blown headache, i made another vow to live life to the fullest.  oh i make this vow daily! vowing to treat e'rybody right, love like i never been hurt, give until it feels good but i find that when i shut off my lights and crawl under the covers at night, i've yet to hit the easy button or signed off as a job complete.  i've still got work to do.

life is short.  we all know that.  my older faith brother was in his late 50s and i hope that before he breathed his final exhale he rectified all of the times he forgot to appreciate, failed to make amends and didn't say i love you.

my love has been the balm needed to make it through my season.  he's the one who tucks me in at night and who calls me early in the morning.  he's the one who makes sure i make it in to work on time and who checks up on me to see if my day is good.  he's the one who hears me sniffles and sends me money for a space heater because it's cold at my workplace.  he's the one who asks me, everyday, "did you write today?" and encourages me to do so because he knows that writing is my outlet. he's the one i prayed for, the one that's needed, the one that right now occupies my heart space, the one i love.  i am grateful for him.  truly i am.

RIP to "Earl the Pearl"... I already miss him dearly and because of him, today, I am reminded of what matters most.

erykah badu... envelope pusher

I remember when Erykah Badu came on the scene in 1997 with Baduizm and my nephew who was about 9 at the time asked me, in his own words, what the hell is she saying Auntie K? (he always was a little cusser)... My response was, after I laughed at him, she’s telling the truth, her truth, the world’s truth, whatever truth... it's a story she’s telling and all that matters is how you interpret it.


Sometimes I wish she had an explanation for each of her songs written, or a little snippet of what she was thinking of when she wrote it, anything to allow me to get in her head for a minute but then would the song mean the same thing for me if I was spoon-fed her thoughts… probably not.

That brings me to New Amerykah Part Two: Return of the Ankh, her newest release available today. I am hyped, as always, and I already downloaded it. I have yet to be disappointed by anything Erykah has produced and even though Part One was a little dark, its message hard to swallow, I was and still am enlightened… her music makes me think and jam…

One of the things that I admire is that Erykah pushes the envelope… the political, the cultural, the emotional… if you have ever seen her interviews, she’s hilarious and to see her live is an awesomely, spiritual experience.

Window Seat… her newest release… the one that’s played on the radio, probably the only one that will be played on the radio… If Erykah is more than a radio artist, it is simply because of her fan base.  While most mainstream artist get tons of airplay, most soul artist do not.

The controversial, uncut, video of Window Seat has also been released and it is posted below. This video, along with her body of work is bound to be misinterpreted, mis-taken and most of all, it's bound to make you think..

after the rain

I love the rain... even when it's coming down in sheets as it did the other night... there is something so calming, soothing about rain. It makes me want to stay low-key and silent, and it doesn't help that my body seems to hurt when the atmosphere changes and I know rain is in the forecast. I am almost forced to slow down and retreat. I have learned to appreciate rain. It moisturizes the air and brings nourishment to the earth. And then after the rain, the sun shines again. The skies are clearer, the air is lighter, you can breathe easier.

And that's how I'm feeling right now... I can breathe easier.

For the brief time that I was away from blogging, I felt like I was wearing a poncho and heavy behind rain boots because it was raining all the time... sporadic rain, sometimes a downpour, sometimes a drizzle and when it wasn't raining, it was just gray. I have finally carved out some time so that my creative side can thrive, once again.

I felt like I should done better for myself to prepare for the rain. I knew what season it was in my life, I knew what to expect yet I failed to prepare myself and instead I burned out. Well now I am on the mend. Rain is necessary and rain is inevitable but it doesn't have to be so hard to endure. I have learned that lesson.

Rain by SWV... one of my favorite songs

I Am On...

I did not want to do this... I really do NOT want to do this... I love blogging, I love reading your thoughts and experiences... I must admit that I am indeed taking a break from writing. It is quite evident from my lack of posts that blog writing is not in my focus. Oh I journal daily and there's a myriad of thoughts and posts roaming through my brain but the act of sitting still long enough to allow my thoughts to run through to my finger tips and type is such an arduous task for me right now. I really do not want to do this... but I must.

Before I go though... I wish you all a beautifully brilliant Black History Month for Black History is American History. Enjoy these upcoming Black Love days and I appeal to you to do something loving for the people in your family, your friends and your community. Go to your local library, engage in cultural activities and celebrate your Blackness. Remember that one drop rule... we pro'lly all Black anyway. Black pride!

February 7th was HIV awareness day but I implore all of you use this entire month to know more about HIV and to get tested!!! Know your status and protect yourselves. I love sex, it feels inexplicably great but it feels even better when you know that you are having healthy sex. Wrap that thang up! And take advantage of free testing. You know it's not really free right? Government agencies provide funding to nonprofit groups that will provide testing. That's a beautiful thing. We would take advantage of free concert tickets, free clothing or free food. Let's take advantage of free testing and awareness. If you're in the NY area, my church (In the Bronx) offers free testing every 2nd Saturday and next Friday, the 19th, we are having free testing from 5 - 9PM. Leave me your email address in the comments and I will be sure to email you the address.

Lastly, February is American Heart Month. Let us take the initiative to eat healthier, be more active, drink less alcohol, smoke less cigarettes and focus on our Heart Health.

I love you all... I miss you dearly... but I shall "see" you all very very soon!

Peace & Blessings

Life Overhaul

I believe that most change is gradual. Even the times when I did a 180, I find that the gear was set long before I made the turn. And with that, my reasons for not writing, posting or blog hopping as much as I'd like is because I've been overhauling my life.

A while ago I spoke about being on time for work, losing weight, saving money, and making some of my dreams realities... well the other day, I was talking with someone and after that conversation, I made a decision to overhaul my life. My mom tooted up her face at me and my co-worker uh huh'ed me. I'd mentioned the changes I wanted to make plenty of times before and the proof would have to be in the puddin'. That next Monday, I walked into work a whole hour earlier (my original time for work), did all that was on my to-do list, left out the door 8 hours later and headed home to get myself right for the next day. I know I was expected to show up at my regular late time on Tuesday but I shocked my supervisor and myself by showing up early again.

It was something said in that conversation I was having- it was a getting to know you conversation... I was talking about myself and realized how routine my life was but also how messy. My last achievement was 5 years ago and since then I've created this rut that I've been wallowing in. First things first, I needed to be on time - for everything. I needed to get to bed on time. I needed to stop taking advantage and riding through life and really start paying attention to my activities and where I placed all of my energy because lawd knows I was tired all of the time, having nothing to show for it.

Instantly, my energy increased. Instantly eating healthier became easier. My body feels better and I'm getting more done... That brings me back to this... My thoughts are clearer and my creativity is flowing. I put first things first and now everything else is falling into place...

Craving Pink....

I abandoned the color pink in 2009. I felt like pink was too youthful and didn't represent me as the woman I am. I leaned more toward purple, a color I simply adore. I wore and still wear a lot of purple. My home is decorated with lots of purple.

However as 2010 came in, for some reason, I craved pink. I ditched my pink last year, giving my sweaters and shirts to one young sister in my church. That didn't stop me from buying pink roses and carnations to decorate my home as the new year came in. And yet I still desired it around me. So I bought a pink tissue box for my desk at work and I bought pink fabric to adorn my home. It got to the point that I had to question myself.... What's up with me and this color? Here is a little of what I found when I did a google search....

"The color pink usually serves two purposes. It can be used to show childish innocence, or a characters child-like personality. It can also be used to show a more flirtatious personality. Pink is normally a color associated with girls and femininity.

Pink is considered a color of good health and life - we speak of people being "in the pink" or the "freshness" of a newborn babe.

Lastly, pink is associated with sexuality, and purity. That is, a girl who is a virgin in heart and body. Pink is symbolic of pure love, for example. It is also the color used for sexual advertisements and such, to indicate the purity of the girls."

*******

Pink is the color of universal love. Pink is a quiet color. Lovers of beauty favor pink. A pink carnation means "I will never forget you".

Pink is a combination of red and white. The quality of energy in pink is determined by how much red is present. White is the potential for fullness, while red helps you to achieve that potential. Pink combines these energies. Shades of deep pink, such as magenta, are effective in neutralizing disorder and violence. Some prisons use limited deep pink tones to diffuse aggressive behaviour.

Pink provides feelings of caring, tenderness, self-worth and love, acceptance.

Put some pink in your life when you want:

• calm feelings
• to neutralize disorder
• relaxation
• acceptance, contentment

After doing some soul searching I realized I was angry. I was angry at my ex. I was angry with my dear friend and I was even angry with myself. I was angry to the point that some of my joints were inflamed. I was burning hot angry. I blew up and cursed some folks out, pretty badly. I thought evil thoughts and went to bed angry for about 2 weeks. I now realize that my emotions and my entire being couldn't take the imbalance and therefore, my spirit was yearning for calm, order, contentment, love & acceptance, craving pink. But I also needed to relinquish my feelings, open up about my own shortcomings and let some things go. I needed to forgive.

I had hoped that as I prayed and purged during the last moments of 2009 that I would be renewed for the new year, but some issues trailed behind me. However, I'm grateful for the representation of the color pink, the calm it surely provides and my spiritual ear that listens to my soul's craving...