brevity of life

i spoke to my love this morning and i didn't hear what i wanted to hear. i haven't held him or smelled his scent since december '09 and the distance has been weighing on me.  i'm thinking in my head and out loud that another month is passing and i'm not seeing you.  i know you miss me and i miss you dearly but we need to make something happen.  every other day i'm yelling and angry my needs aren't met and he's apologizing, sweet talking and making promises. empty.

shortly after the phone call ended, i received a text from one of my sisters from church.  the death angel has visited my fellowship and the family of one of our esteemed members.  we all knew he was transitioning.  he has been battling cancer for the past 18 months and the doctors sent him home on sunday night with painkillers and hopeful wishes.  today i received a text i wasn't prepared for, a text that makes all of my nonsense suddenly ridiculous. while i argue with my love and long to see him, hold him, i am grateful that i heard his voice this morning and i still have him in my life while my big sister in the faith is saying her final goodbyes to her soulmate.  the pain i have in my heart is now for her and her family.

upon leaving the restroom where i cried myself into a full-blown headache, i made another vow to live life to the fullest.  oh i make this vow daily! vowing to treat e'rybody right, love like i never been hurt, give until it feels good but i find that when i shut off my lights and crawl under the covers at night, i've yet to hit the easy button or signed off as a job complete.  i've still got work to do.

life is short.  we all know that.  my older faith brother was in his late 50s and i hope that before he breathed his final exhale he rectified all of the times he forgot to appreciate, failed to make amends and didn't say i love you.

my love has been the balm needed to make it through my season.  he's the one who tucks me in at night and who calls me early in the morning.  he's the one who makes sure i make it in to work on time and who checks up on me to see if my day is good.  he's the one who hears me sniffles and sends me money for a space heater because it's cold at my workplace.  he's the one who asks me, everyday, "did you write today?" and encourages me to do so because he knows that writing is my outlet. he's the one i prayed for, the one that's needed, the one that right now occupies my heart space, the one i love.  i am grateful for him.  truly i am.

RIP to "Earl the Pearl"... I already miss him dearly and because of him, today, I am reminded of what matters most.

Year-end countdown... Thriving on Drama

While sitting at home, not too long ago, on a Saturday night... I finally watched "He's Just Not That Into You".

Not a bad film...

While I had (in my youthful past) and still fall into moments of sounding and even acting like the character Gigi, there was one part of the movie that struck a cord...

There is a part in the movie when Alex and Gigi were in the bar and he tells her that women thrive on drama and how we wait "until the last minute on deadlines, or on phone bills, because you love the drama of not knowing whether you'll make it" I simply shook my head and raised my eyebrows. It may or may not be a true statement but it is true for me.

When I reflect on my 2009 and every situation I encountered, the good and the bad, I can't help but ponder the choices I made and how they relate to my circumstances.

I tell myself I don't like drama. I pride myself on not being a drama queen but some of the choices I make create drama in my life such as not saving enough money, spending frivolously, not opening bills, ignoring collection calls, eating too much of the wrong foods, not exercising, procrastinating... there is no wonder why I'm dealing with hardships. I helped to create them!

I am amazed sometimes at how the universe forces you to deal with your problems... every valley that I fell in caused me to be still... you can't go out, eat out or spend frivolously with no money! I was forced to look within and see what was keeping me from taking care of my personal matters and then I was able to take inventory of my life, pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.

I had a rough year but I survived a health scare, losing money, losing friends and lay-offs on the job. I also had some good times... I reactivated my facebook account, reconnected with old friends, explored and enjoyed my freedom, vacationed, relaxed and reignited a high school flame.
In 2009 I thrived on drama and I teetered on whether or not I was gonna make it but... I made it. There's nothing like a little drama to make you seek and strive for balance and most of all I am grateful for my hardships. Without them I wouldn't have grown, I wouldn't feel my strength and I wouldn't be at peace.

Rising Above

Four years ago, I went on a women's retreat with my church and one of the exercises that we took part in entailed us sharing an experience or a story with another woman and at the end of our sharing, giving... entrusting our heart to that woman. The cut out heart had our names on it and 4 years later, I still have Renee's heart.

Renee is almost 20 years older than me. I don't have too many friends in their 50s and if it were not for the church and this spiritual exercise we probably would not have even crossed paths. We have nothing much in common, except our church affiliation. Actually, if I tell the truth, Renee is someone I would have avoided at all costs and shunned if she bothered me.

For years Renee abused drugs. On Sunday mornings I would see her shuffling through the streets surrounding the church. She looked terrible. She had no concerns for herself or her family. She is now far removed from where she's been.

I have a cousin who abused drugs for years who just last week graduated from his sobriety program. Me and my mother attended. He was dressed to the 9s in a brand new suit, fresh hair cut and new suede shoes. Sharp! He even spoke at his graduation. He spoke of how he ruined his life, how God saved him and how proud his mother would be if she could see him now. I proudly sat there with tears in my eyes thinking of my aunt and how she prayed for years while he was incarcerated or while her furniture, food and money was stolen. My aunt attended Abyssinian Baptist Church back when Adam Clayton Powell was pastor and those Harlem church ladies wore some big ole hats. My aunt had so many... hat boxes on top of hat boxes and each and every one of them... gone. But now my cousin no longer steals but blesses back. When he brought my ticket to me, there was a $100 bill along with it. I know he deeply regrets what he did while abusing drugs and this was his attempt to give back.

I sit and wonder sometime about my church involvement. Am I going through the motions or does this "thing" really have an effect on me? Am I maturing spiritually or am I the same ole woman with the same ole issues? The fact that Renee is more than someone I share the pew with but a sister whose heart I hold, means that I have grown.

This coming Friday Renee has paid for my ticket and I am attending a "Clean and Sober" party with her. Last week, Thursday, me, my cousin and my mama tore the dance floor up at his graduation. I am so very proud of these two people... my family. They are stronger, wiser, better individuals and I'm so glad that I am able to see their turnaround.

We didn't all walk into the church holy and righteous. We all have our vices, some are just more noticeable than others. I know a lot of people are haughty and arrogant about their churches and their spirituality but it's more than dressy suits, shoes and hats. It's more than speaking correctly and sitting upright, pristine. And what kind of place would the church be if nobody had an past life or any tests in order to have a testimony? Even those who don't attend a church... we can miss out on great people and wonderful experiences but shunning those who lives don't mimic our own.

I Tell The Business....

I don't do it purposefully or maliciously... but I tell my friend's business. I do.

I am sure we all do. You know how you're talking and someone says something and you chime in with... I have a friend who does that or went through that.

Well I do that sometimes too... but mostly, I share my friend's stories & experiences. I know, should they come through and read this, they won't appreciate me telling the business like I do but I can assure them... their story can and has made somebody else feel better.

Now I would and I do share my own experiences. Out of my co-workers and friend , I have dated the most and I think I have and give great dating advice. But just yesterday when I was talking about the types that I attract, I was gonna talk about the types that my friend DC attracts, which are hella better than mine. While I attract "potential dudes", my homie attracts "established dudes"... that's a post for another day. And to tell her business... but it doesn't matter what kinda dude she attracts, she likes girls now... See how effortlessly her story spills out of my mouth... or outta my mind and on to this blog...

I know it's wrong of me... and I credit myself on being a person who thinks before she speaks. I do choose my words wisely. But there are times... and those times are plenty... when some words spill forth...

Now I do have some colorful stories to share... and I do. Those who are close to me and even those not so close... get a dose of "life story". Sometimes my stories are hilarious and sometimes they are painful... however I get bored with my stories... and I find that my friend's experiences are much more extraordinary.

Should they share my stories, I wouldn't mind... but I know me telling their stories... without their permission is not always cool... and I have gotten reprimanded a time or two so I know it does cause a bother... So I stand convicted and I vow to be mindful...

"Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips."

Stop The World

For the past few weeks I have been extremely frustrated with my life. At this age and season of my life, I imagined things would be different for me… husband, 2.5 children, my own home, 2 cars, the picture perfect existence. Instead of me owning my life as it is, I’ve been asking myself “what if” questions, wondering if, somewhere through my twists and turns, did I take a wrong spin and mess everything up?

I imagine myself like the half earthling, half alien Evie in the 80s TV show Out of This World with the ability to stop and restart time… I’d go back to 1998 and begin again… or like Michael Newman in the movie Click, armed with a universal remote… I can stop, start, rewind and fast forward time… But the problem with both of these characters is that… they are both fictional and even if I could press one button and stop time, I’d be missing precious moments, memories, intricate pieces of life.

During one of my early heartbreaks, I climbed in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and allowed sleep to overtake me. I remember it being cloudy outside when I went to sleep but when I awoke many hours later it was sunny, my mother had gotten up, gone to work, and had returned back home, I missed a day of school and a new day was on the horizon. In my youth I really thought that by pulling the covers over my head I could stop the world but when I uncovered my head it was clear to me that the world never stops no matter how good or bad I may be feeling.

I remember these moments now… but for the past few weeks I’ve caused arguments, been resentful and sometimes evil. But like a bolt, it hit me… Last night I was out with friends, celebrating a birthday. We went to S.O.B.’s, a popular NY club, and it was salsa night… in all of my years of dancing, I’ve never taken salsa. Surrounded by happy people, dj’ed and live music, delightful drinks and dancing bodies, I gave myself over to the moment and danced. I danced hard and free to Cuban salsa, Jamaican reggae and Brazilian samba. Sure when I got home and turned the key, I greeted my empty abode and there was no one waiting there for me… I choose not to wallow in my circumstances, not to look at my life with regret, not to play “what if” games but to embrace my season right where I am and focus on the richness of my life.

My life is very full… yes I am single and childless but I am employed and I have some financial security. I am open to live, create and recreate as I please. At times loneliness hits me and I long for a companion but being single ain’t bad at all… the agony comes when I’m attempting to not be single.

I choose to let go… to not live in the past with the “what ifs” and no matter how powerful I think I may be, I cannot stop the world. So as the world keeps turning, I am encouraged and strengthened to keep on moving, keep on laughing, keep on achieving, keep on living, keep on loving…

GOLDEN

My church's first observance of the Lenten season began last year.
I remember the excitement, the joy of celebrating something new.
It was the first time I received the "imposition of ashes".
I came straight home to take pictures of myself.


Ash Wednesday 2008

Last year I felt transformed by my experience.
But somehow, some way along this year, something began to shift in me.
I felt a lost connection, disorientation set in, a sort of aloneness emerged.

This year I probably would not have made it to service if I didn't have to go.
I was exhausted, feeling like another cold is beginning to weigh my body down.
But then the preacher got up to speak,
And I heard his words... his topic... the message:
"Grow Your Way Out"

I'm going growing through so much.
From relationships to finances to stress to work to my parents...
And I've actually been looking for a handout, praying for somebody, anybody, everybody...
Save me!

Tonight I became conscious of the fact that I haven't prayed or meditated in months.
With haste I've been attempting to handle all of my problems.
And then wonder why nothing is changing or improving.
Why I'm tired and overwhelmed.

I realized that the perfect man, millions in the bank, a prime job or the sweetest parents wouldn't make my life complete if I didn't have a divine relationship.
And it's because of that relationship that I know I am where I am supposed to be at this precise moment.
I am going through all of these things so that my relationship to Him can become closer, stronger, sharper than ever.

I've been in my "wilderness", wandering confused, looking here, there and everywhere and unable to grasp my lessons.
I've yet to stop, silence the voices in my head and physically still myself.
I've yet to seek Him instead of relying on my own methods.
Otherwise I'd know that ... God provides, preserves and through it all He is perfecting me.

Oh I can't wait to look back this time next year and rejoice over my triumph.
Like gold, I go through the fire...
My impurities (fear, anger, resentment, aggression, insecurity, greed, gluttony) are seared.
Like gold, I am malleable, able to transform yet sturdy when combined with alloys (love, nurturing, positivity, creativity) I am refined and yet I'm purified.
Like gold, I am valuable... precious.


Ash Wednesday 2009

Could Have Been Me...

I peruse the gossip websites MediaTakeOut, Bossip and TMZ and they love to hate on Amy Winehouse. I happen to adore her music. When she came out with Rehab, I bought her Back to Black cd and then my co-worker CB put me on to her earlier release Frank. To me… she’s the British, Caucasian version to Mary J., Lauryn Hill. Her voice is raspy and her lyrics are raw.

While I dig her music, it pains me when I see photos of her, drugged and spazzing out. I wonder what is torturing her soul so that she turns to drugs, alcohol and violence for solace.

Even more importantly whenever I see Amy, I think to myself… this could be me. When I see Whitney and Lauryn Hill, I feel the same… what if love-gone-wrong enveloped me and my only outlet was drugs, alcohol or living reclusively? I think of the 1 and ½ times that I tried marijuana… I probably wouldn’t have tried it had it not been for that man lying next to me, holding the blunt between his fingers… and he was the same guy who helped me slip myself a mickey at a party telling me to drink Heineken and Bacardi Limon – TOGETHER. I could be that drugged out, crazed woman searching for her soul. The night that I slipped myself a mickey, I was dazed and passing out. I am thankful for my friend who came in to see about me after he and I wandered into an empty room and I began to throw up while lying on my back. This friend along with her sister and another friend bathed me, washed my hair and took care of me… all of which was unbeknownst to me. At that moment, I was Amy, Whitney, Lauryn, Natalie, Lindsay…

I have so much compassion for these sisters. If I had to walk in their shoes, endure their pains and hurts, and see what their eyes have seen… Well let me tell you… It’s not because my eyes have been secluded from the harshness of life because my eyes have seen, my ears have heard, my heart has felt heaviness… extreme… My heart goes out to Amy. I send positive thoughts her way because I have had my share of battles that no one has known of. She suffers and the world sees. My heart goes out to every woman who suffers the same, only not in the public eye, but it’s a battle of the spirit, just the same.

Natalie Cole made a rather harsh comment about Amy being a bad influence, as if she is free to judge, and the critics and cynics throw negativity her way stating that Amy Winehouse won’t live to see 30… I am a witness to turn arounds. I believe in miracles. In the force of life changes and every woman who reinvented herself, I believe in time Amy too can transform.

I Want To Believe...

I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.

The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...

Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?

More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.

The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.

A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.

I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.

I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.

I just need to trust what is.

In Transition... 2008 concluding posts

I have been transitioning for a while, in a lot of areas of my life, but one particular area that is transitioning is my hair... I have stopped putting chemical relaxers in my hair and allowing my natural hair to grow in.

I'm learning that transitions are HARD!

First off, my natural hair is ummm.... let's just say that when my hair was long and straight people used to call me Pocahontas. Now they are definitely going to call me Kizzy. It's a shock now when I wash my hair and then can't comb it. I am stunned when I want to comb it one way and it's doing it's own thang. But it's my natural hair. It's thick, it's kinky, it's unruly and in every way it represents me. My hair is coarse. Always was, even with a relaxer in it. It just seems right to allow it to be unprocessed, raw. And my personality is a match for my hair. RAW. I have couth, I really do, but I don't have that mechanism that says, "K, sugar coat this". If you want the truth, just ask me.

I've learned some lessons about life recently while pondering what in the hell I'm going to do with my hair.

Transitions are sometimes ugly. When you want a desired effect, you have to brave the unpretty parts first. You're faced with decisions that you never had to make before. Do I choose the easy guilt laden road or do I tough it out and choose what's best, what's healthiest for me? I have 15 inches of hair and 12 and 1/2 inches of it is straight, thin and not so pretty 2 and 1/2 inches is crinkly, brazen and wild. Everyday won't bring sunshine. Every road won't be easy and sometimes it's going to be downright horrid. But you have to tough it out to see the beauty.

Transitions require patience. I'm a get up and go kinda woman. My morning routines are trouble-free (although I'm lazy and late to work). Now I have to take time with my hair where before I would comb out my doobie and step. The same goes for life. Routine is easy and can be done without thought or creativity but you can't have transition without tolerance.

Transitions can be uncontrollable. It's been 20 years since I've seen more than an inch or so of my natural hair but I never imagined throwing a hat over my head for days because I'm baffled about what to do with this. The thing with transitioning is that 2 things are going on at the same time. You're moving from one area to another and the end may not be visible. Everything seems to be awry but you have to allow the uncontrollable to be uncontrolled and know that eventually all will balance out.

With transitions, there are always options. I can do the big chop. I can put braids in. I can go through the daily battles or I can always relapse and go right back to my favorite Dominican salon and feel guilt as they apply the chemicals. I'm heavily treading on the daily battles road. And life transitions are the same way. You can quit your job and move to another city on faith. You can plan and map out the process and then leap. Or you can brave it daily, taking it one day at a time.

My 2009 is definitely going to be high and memorable, transitions and all. I cannot wait for the spring and summer months, the birthdays, holidays and celebrations to come around again. I can't wait to experience it all with a newness, slight innocence, with anticipation. I vow to take 2009, one day, one week, one month at a time, purposefully living each day to its fullest.

I Surrender

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you. Lois Lane: You, you've got me? Who's got you?

I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.

It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...

It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.

I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.

It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.

After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!

But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.

However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.

I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.

Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.

But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".

Nurturing... Nurture Me

A couple of weeks ago I was in the fish market with my father's girlfriend. We look nothing alike but people always ask if we're mother and daughter. I guess it's because she looks motherly and I daughterly. She is always the first to say no. Over the past few months, we've been spending a lot of time together, working together and her firm answer always strikes a cord with me. So we're in the market and after she says no, I turn to her and say, "You have no daughter, you only have one son. You are in a relationship with my father, a married man, married to my mother and you always say, "No she's not my daughter" or "No she's his daughter". You can at least say "She's my step-daughter" or "Yes she's my daughter". What's the harm in that? We're not close friends and I can always use an extra mum."

As a grown woman, the little girl in me still sometimes needs, wants and cries out for Mommy time. I said in my previous post that I wanted to curl up in my mother's lap for some love and nurturing after a long week. I would probably also throw in a good cry, babble and a runny nose for the full effect. If I even suggested to my mother that I wanted anything more than her ear, a hug and a cheek kiss (with just the cheeks touching) she would side-eye me and tell me to get out of her face.

To entertain the little girl in me, I must take the time to nurture myself. My father's girlfriend isn't bending - I probably wouldn't enjoy her nurturing no way - and my mum is great but I need more. I must do what is necessary to give back to me.

I am extremely giving in relationships. I mean I giiiiiiive and my last relationship was a doozy. I gave of my time, my patience and my love until I felt exhausted and unable to give back to me. One of the reasons for ending my relationship was the neediness of my partner. There is only one number one slot in my life and I gave that to him. Now it's vacant and I need to fill my own damned slot!

As I pull out my burgundy nail polish for my toes, arrange the gerber daisies I bought, remove the red velvet cake I baked from the oven (no icing), give myself a facial and sit down next to my lavender colored candled and my Exotic burning oil from The Body Shop with my new read "In the Night of the Heat" by Blair Underwood, Tananarive Due & Steven Barnes, I think of all of the wonderful things I appreciate about me, snuggle up underneath my burgundy throw and give myself a big hug. I deserve my Love.

There are no regrets in life, just lessons...

I love the month of December. December might as well be a great big ole holiday for me. It's my month of clean-up. Proverbially, I start throwing everything, out of the closets, the drawers, the hidden crannies of my life and discard that which is no longer needed, useful, no longer having value. Like taking a huge loofah and giving my life an intense exfoliation.

I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.

And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.

It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.

I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.

I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...

I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.

And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...

FEAR VS LOVE

Some people say that their are only 2 root emotions and they are FEAR and LOVE. And all other emotions stem from them. As with most emotions, one must choose which will lead their words, their behavior, their lives.

I believe that no one wants to choose fear.

However by focusing on the things that cause us to fear, fear may just be intensified.

I sometimes have a fear of falling down the stairs. I've actually fallen down quite a few steps in my life. What that fear has done is made me aware and I take precaution before descending down any flight of stairs.

Yet some fear that they are unworthy of good things or good people. Some fear embarrassment, failure or rejection. Because of that fear, some may be angry, they may lash out, they may close themselves off from others.

However... LOVE

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

Love is peaceful, it is freeing, it is forgiving. I think that everyone truly wants to choose love but sometimes they just don't know how to. It's certainly not easy to choose love. By choosing love you are tolerant with yourself and others. You look your fears in the face and say "thank you for-giving..." For giving me that grief, that anger, that selfishness and turn that grief into joy, that anger into calm and that selfishness into compassion. Choosing takes a lot of work.

I'm making quite a few transitions in my life lately and I find myself getting caught up in my fears. I've been in my I want what I want when I want it phase. I've been controlling, arrogant, and lashing out from my insecurities.

But today I choose Love. All of my fears, I bless them. Because like my fear of falling down the steps, I take the precaution of going slower, holding on to the banister in life and being aware of every thing, person, and situation I encounter. I choose to be honest with myself. I carry a journal and jot down my fears as they appear and affirm each one of them with something positive.

All fears may not truly go away but the response time should rise by choosing and giving power over to Love.

I.M. David

Dear Grandmother,

You know I usually call you Inez (in my head) and that's what my father always calls you, but this is formal and for formality I shall address you by your title, Grandmother.

On Monday, Grandmother, I received a call from my father that I knew would come one day yet I was not prepared to ever hear.

After I listened to the voicemail my father left, I cried and shook at my desk.
I just asked him about you 2 days before. He just went to see you, sat with you and watched TV with you. You were fine.

I thought to myself Maybe you were sleeping without your hearing aid like you did about 2 years ago and didn't hear the bell. Maybe when he gets into your apartment, he'll find you were sleeping hard, he'll awaken you and everything will be fine.

My parents told me over and over again to be the bigger person and heal the relationship I had with you, bridge the gap and visit you, force myself to be the granddaughter that you never seemed to embrace. I kept questioning them and myself, how can I, 60 years your junior, be the bigger person?

Consciously and without regret, I kept my distance, always feeling that you didn't love your youngest grandchild like you loved your older grandchildren. And even though it's been a year since I called you, I have no regrets.

I love you, always did, though alienated.

I remember when you came over to help me dress for my junior high school prom. I remember how you steamed my dress and helped me with my jewelry. I know that me being thicker than my sister, you were more proud of her tall lean frame, but that night you helped me live out my princess fantasies without complaint.

I remember the day that I broke our decade long silence. Something was wrong with my father and I could feel it in my bones. I called his house and he didn't answer. I called every hospital in the Bronx, he wasn't in any. I called his job and they told me he was in the hospital. I called my mother who still had your number and then I called you. "He's in Cornell-Presbyterian", you told me, "And by the way, are you still fat?" I replied, "No Grandma, I'm skinny now" and knowing the truth, we both laughed.

Grandma, you weren't always the loving, affectionate grandmother. Maybe it is because I'm not tall and lean like Junior & Joanne. Maybe it's because I'm not a full-blooded Antiguan. I don't know why it is that you never welcomed me but you are a loving mother to my father.

When my father called me and told me to call him, it was important, Inez is dead. I cried and shook at my desk... for him. I cried because I mourn a woman I've always wanted but never got a real chance to know. I wanted to know your favorite hymns, your much loved scripture. I wanted to see you without your wig, touch your braids again. I wanted to see you in your favorite hat and hear your voice again. I cried because I knew my father is an only child and he loves you so much and you love him right back, fervently, and after having you for his 64 years, you have gone home to Glory.

In the 2 days since your death, I have been running around, exhausted, because my father is unable to run or focus or make decisions alone. I am finding myself learning more about you in these last 2 days than I knew in the 32, almost 33 years of my life.

I don't believe that it's ever too late to show someone your love. You may not be around to see me or hear me but I believe your soul feels me and directs me as I take care of your final arrangements. However difficult our relationship was, what we are to each other now is profound.

I intend to honor you as the regal woman you are. On November 22, 2008, had you lived, you would have observed your 93rd birthday. Truly you are blessed. They tell me that you just went to sleep, with a peaceful smile on your face, while watching TV. You weren't ill perhaps though unbeknownst to all of us, you were weary, yet always running to take care of your younger brother. Thank you Grandma, for giving me such a loving and wonderful father. I honor you, Grandmother, by loving Daddy and by being the best daughter that I can be for him.

May your soul eternally rest easy, Grandma Inez. Love You Always.

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

I am a very moody, emotional person and sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot to get me from happy to fight mode. But I’m learning how to channel my moods, not to give in to my emotions and to find something, an anchor, for which to hold.

Most times I grab the Bible and a concordance so I can locate just what I’m feeling and read a scripture to speak to me right where I need it. Sometimes I will grab the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women” by Kristine Carlson. The "Don’t Sweats" are a widely circulated book series. In this book, Kristine Carlson offers advice to women for the little things that we do that rob us of experiencing the larger experience, seeing the bigger picture.

A few of my favorites…

Don’t Sweat says: Low Moods Are Only Temporary
My Spin: Unless I give them 2 legs, 2 arms and a mouth to mouth off – low moods do not have to turn into anything more than temporary. I don’t like to stay low for long – I will reach for a book, the phone or the stereo for some music to bust me out of my funk. I’m all for riding through my feelings but definitely not for staying in the bad feelings zone for long.

Don’t Sweat says: When All Else Fails, Laugh
My spin: I thought about this the other night while watching Wipe Out – that crazy Japanese inspired reality show where the contestants to go through the most absurd obstacle courses that are designed for them all to fall on their faces, splash in mud or water – it’s hilarious. If you get a kick out of seeing people fall like I do, this is definitely a show that can get you out of a bad mood.

Don’t Sweat says: Plan an Inspiration Flow Day
My Spin: Imagine a day where you do nothing but the things that inspire you. You don’t go to work, you don’t have to answer to your partner or spouse, you don’t have to come up with the ultimate excuse for your boss, you just get up and go, sleep all day, take a class, go to a movie, bathe, don’t bathe – whatever – as long as you are inspired and rejuvenated. I don’t do this half as much as I would like to but one of these days, soon and very soon, I am definitely I am going to plan a day just for inspiration. Then I can return to the humdrum of the everyday the next day or another day but just not on my inspiration flow day.

Don’t Sweat says: Speak From Your Love – Listen From Your Love
My Spin: These are 2 separate entries in the book but the context is the same. When speaking and listening to my friends and loved ones I must squash the inner nag, the inner therapist who is always insightful and correct – sometimes I have to speak and listen not from the part of me that is annoyed or triggered by what the person has just said but from my heart. I must imagine feeling what the other person is feeling and speak to that person as I were speaking to heal, nurture, inspire, my own self.

*Image: "Feeling Free" by LaShun Beal

mid year resolution

"Keep the promises you make to yourself"

While eating a Dove chocolate I see this quote on the back of the wrapper. At first I crumpled it up but then something told me to open it. This comes in right on time as I'm sitting at my desk with a hand written note that says "I Quit!!!" and I'm feeling a wee bit froggy.

I made a promise to myself...

* To leave my job by year 12. My 1st promise was to get out of here by year 5 but I got lazy. Definitely this is my last full year here in this institution.

* To be more positive and stop complaining. It's really easy to get caught up and say whatever comes to mind rather than channeling that positive energy and being more grateful.

* To stop procrastinating. I have improved in this area so much, but I have a ways to go.

* To talk less and listen more. I haven't excelled in this area at all, I'm such a chatterbox. :(

* Mid-year people purge. I usually purge people from my life every year but I'm grateful that I've surrounded myself with some good folks and have no need to purge... a lot. However, there are a few folks in my circle who serve no purpose. Mostly mentally and I'm got to take back some of my mental space.

I think the key to it all is to be realistic. It's difficult to make promises or changes in your life if you really don't want to or if it's too hard to. We make promises to ourselves that we're just not serious about and they just fizzle.

So today I'm giving serious thought to my new promises. No need to wait until December 31st to write out a list of resolutions. Everyday is an opportunity for me to look at my life and make some readjustments.

Blasts From The Past

The emergence of springtime for me is always marked by someone in my past coming back into my life. It happens every year... cycles.

Last year I restarted speaking to one of my coworkers who I used to date.

There was my college crush... this fine behind Chinese-Jamaican dude.

There was another guy who I had some unresolved, unexplored moments with.

And the last was one of my high school crushes.

This year I've bumped into Mr. Camacho as I posted last week. He was my junior high school boyfriend. Before him I bumped into and rekindled a friendship with another guy from my past. And last night I saw another one of my past loves, RG. He was someone I met when I was in high school. We were only together for a couple of months but our friendship lasted for about 3 years after we broke up. Time has not changed him much. He still looks 15 and he's still very much fit.

I wonder if there is going to be any more blasts or just these three. Last year was a doozy with my emotions and so far this year is going well. Somehow I know it has everything to do with me and my growth, how I'm handling the reappearance of these men in my life and not so much the fact that they are coming through.

I know that when experiences happen over and over it is because we are supposed to learn something from it. When we don't learn, we are bound to have repeat experiences. This year I'm not so much concerned with the why I'm seeing an old friend/boyfriend but with the what.

What am I to learn from them?

What am I to learn about myself?

However I know that even if nothing profound comes about, no great revelation or life changing occurrence... there is no such thing as coincidence. I think I'll take this cue to do some digging and further cleaning of my mental and now my emotional. Perhaps I'm holding onto some baggage. I can't imagine what right now but it's not far-fetched. Makes me think of that "reason, season, lifetime" email that used to circulate.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

© Copyright Brian A. Drew Chalker

Things I've Learned

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." Maya Angelou

As the holiday season and the ending of this year is upon us, I am feeling reflective. After my issues with Saki and being volatile for the past couple of days, today I took the morning off to handle some around the house business but also because I needed to slow my thinking down and clear out my mental space. Lately I've been exhausted, bloated, unmotivated and bored but through it all, I'm filled with so much joy and I know that though life is a cycle and there are some unmotivated moments, boring moments, tiring times yet we are still moving, growing, improving. This year so many changes have taken place in my life and especially in my personal maturation so today I post what I've learned...

I've learned that:

• Time is precious and the present moment is a gift
• Life is ALL about choices
• When you don't make choices in your life, you live by default
• Cherish those you treasure
• Anger is contagious
• Give your time and energy to people and things that are worthy
• “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” -Frank Outlaw
• Repeat venting destroys the possible opportunity for healing
• Don't hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and distance you from love
• “Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz
• Love is self-empowering
• When you first trust yourself, it's easy to trust others

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What I've learned about myself...

I've learned that:

• When I trust in God, it really does make life easier
• I react first and think later
• I am a more loving woman when I'm in a stable relationship
• I am extremely and inexplicably sensitive
• I am interested in other people's lives (Some call it being nosy but wHaTeVeR!)
• I have a secret love affair with stationery of any kind
• I am temperamental
• I become bored very easily
• I appreciate quiet moments
• I cannot cook breakfast meals of any sort - Well I can cook them but I won't serve them to anyone but myself
• I am Queen Procrastinator
• I am hardly on time for anything except if I plan it and organize it days in advance
• I do not know it all - LOL
• I'm still learning about myself