I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.
The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...
Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?
More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.
The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.
A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.
I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.
I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.
I just need to trust what is.
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Monday, December 22, 2008
I've Given Myself a New Name
Not long ago I was on the phone with a man who I used to be available for. When he called, I would get my house ready, my body ready and shut the phone off. On that recent call with him, we talked, laughed and flirted. He propositioned me for some late night rubbin' and lovin' and I declined. He called me a Teaser.
I have an old flame who I actually consider a friend and I work with him. He got married last year and since then he's tried to hit on me repeatedly. We barely spoke before he was married and he was ambiguous the entire time we dated, which was 7 years ago. This past week he emailed me and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he called me a Cold Ass Woman.
There was a time when I gave in to the 1st man and he probably called me Easy, a Slut or a Ho. There was a time when I was feeling the 2nd man like mad and he probably called me Crazy or Sprung. Under normal circumstances I do not like name calling but with these two situations I laughed it off. Reason being, I already gave myself a new name.
My new name is Worthy
I am Worthy of quality time and attention
I am Worthy of being missed, loved and cared for
I am Worthy of success
I am Worthy of forgiveness and patience
I am Worthy of my heart's desires and genuinely loving relationships
I am Worthy of being in the midst of things that bring joy to my soul.
There was a time when I was dealing with the 1st man and I didn't feel worthy of a true relationship, which is why I settled for a sexual, on-call, relationship when it was presented to me. There was a time with the 2nd man when I was prepared to change and rearrange my life in order for him to approve of me. I am so glad that with time and energy, I've grown.
Lately I have been called Selfish, Arrogant and Self-Righteous in addition to being a Teaser and a Cold Ass Woman and I must say that I am guilty of parading all of those qualities. I have been loving and giving to everyone I know and it's way past time to give back to myself. If that makes me any of the above, I'm to blame... unapologetically.
I am Worthy of spending time on myself. I am Worthy of telling others NO. I am Worthy of the number one slot in my life and I cherish it. If that means giving unto myself to the point that it's considered sinful, then so be it. I'm Worthy of that too!
I have an old flame who I actually consider a friend and I work with him. He got married last year and since then he's tried to hit on me repeatedly. We barely spoke before he was married and he was ambiguous the entire time we dated, which was 7 years ago. This past week he emailed me and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he called me a Cold Ass Woman.
There was a time when I gave in to the 1st man and he probably called me Easy, a Slut or a Ho. There was a time when I was feeling the 2nd man like mad and he probably called me Crazy or Sprung. Under normal circumstances I do not like name calling but with these two situations I laughed it off. Reason being, I already gave myself a new name.
My new name is Worthy
I am Worthy of quality time and attention
I am Worthy of being missed, loved and cared for
I am Worthy of success
I am Worthy of forgiveness and patience
I am Worthy of my heart's desires and genuinely loving relationships
I am Worthy of being in the midst of things that bring joy to my soul.
There was a time when I was dealing with the 1st man and I didn't feel worthy of a true relationship, which is why I settled for a sexual, on-call, relationship when it was presented to me. There was a time with the 2nd man when I was prepared to change and rearrange my life in order for him to approve of me. I am so glad that with time and energy, I've grown.
Lately I have been called Selfish, Arrogant and Self-Righteous in addition to being a Teaser and a Cold Ass Woman and I must say that I am guilty of parading all of those qualities. I have been loving and giving to everyone I know and it's way past time to give back to myself. If that makes me any of the above, I'm to blame... unapologetically.
I am Worthy of spending time on myself. I am Worthy of telling others NO. I am Worthy of the number one slot in my life and I cherish it. If that means giving unto myself to the point that it's considered sinful, then so be it. I'm Worthy of that too!
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tell the Truth Tuesday
You know I love blogging. This is one activity I do religiously. But lately I've been thinking... you know, are some of us just putting on? I know this is not the venue for us to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but then again, yes it is... It's not like we're not in church on a Sunday testifying about last night's booty call or the swing party we just so happened to find ourselves at... This is the blogosphere. Ain't nuthin' wrong with telling the truth! I mean it's quite all right to hold back on plenty of the details of our intimate lives, if you want to, but I think it's refreshing to come across a blog read I can nod my head to because it's nothing but the real.
I don't know what it is, I'm thinking it's the month of December, but my Sister Bloggers are revealing some personal truths... I think it's wonderful when are truthful and comfortable with yourself to say that you're not a good girl like Kiaya or when you toot your own damn horn like Kay C. My two girls, True Urban Queen and ChezNiki have no problem revealing their inner kitty. I can't forget P****Chats.
So just because you're wholed up in church on Sundays, it does not mean that on Saturday you weren't holed up or tied up to the headboard...
Just because you love the Lord and post your weekly gratefuls, it does not mean you do not like, no love, sex, regularly, with an ex who just happens to not be your man...
Just because you're a good girl, it does not mean that you do not have a crate full of pornos in the stash or a rabbit in the goodie drawer by the bed...
Tell the truth...
You ain't never kissed another woman... when you were drunk? sober? lonely? bored?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and thought about the next man and worked your man out?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and imagined a woman and worked your man out? LOL
You ain't never thought about sex while sitting at your desk and had to make a bathroom run to scratch that itch?
You ain't never looked at your Pastor on a Sunday morning and wondered...?
You ain't never been home alone and bored and the phone rang, it's an ex, and before he asks how you doin'?, you tell him to come over before your right mind returns?
No? Well all right then, keep on being selfish and keeping your truth to youself! LOL
*I'm actually trying to be comical with this post. It's up to the blogger if they want to be raunchy or vulgar with their blogs and they can always block their blog from public view... It's just my opinion... that some of y'all don't have to be goodie-goodie all the time, y'all just be holding back!
I don't know what it is, I'm thinking it's the month of December, but my Sister Bloggers are revealing some personal truths... I think it's wonderful when are truthful and comfortable with yourself to say that you're not a good girl like Kiaya or when you toot your own damn horn like Kay C. My two girls, True Urban Queen and ChezNiki have no problem revealing their inner kitty. I can't forget P****Chats.
So just because you're wholed up in church on Sundays, it does not mean that on Saturday you weren't holed up or tied up to the headboard...
Just because you love the Lord and post your weekly gratefuls, it does not mean you do not like, no love, sex, regularly, with an ex who just happens to not be your man...
Just because you're a good girl, it does not mean that you do not have a crate full of pornos in the stash or a rabbit in the goodie drawer by the bed...
Tell the truth...
You ain't never kissed another woman... when you were drunk? sober? lonely? bored?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and thought about the next man and worked your man out?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and imagined a woman and worked your man out? LOL
You ain't never thought about sex while sitting at your desk and had to make a bathroom run to scratch that itch?
You ain't never looked at your Pastor on a Sunday morning and wondered...?
You ain't never been home alone and bored and the phone rang, it's an ex, and before he asks how you doin'?, you tell him to come over before your right mind returns?
No? Well all right then, keep on being selfish and keeping your truth to youself! LOL
*I'm actually trying to be comical with this post. It's up to the blogger if they want to be raunchy or vulgar with their blogs and they can always block their blog from public view... It's just my opinion... that some of y'all don't have to be goodie-goodie all the time, y'all just be holding back!
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Telling The Truth
“Some people say that I’m to open they say it's not good to let them know everything about me and they say one day they will use every little thing against me but I don't mind maybe they're right that's just how it is and I got nothing to hide.” -Life is Real by Ayo
Growing up my mother always told me that I will say the wrong thing if I talk too much and sure enough I caught enough slaps and hits for saying something out of turn or for talking too much in school.
I talk a lot. I am not ashamed to tell my business, especially when I know it can benefit someone else. I talk about my relationships, particularly with my friends or co-workers and don’t let something go down in my relationship because I will run and tell them how HE done made me mad. I talk about the good in my relationship and CB can tell you how I make her ear bleed and her stomach queasy with my love and lust stories.
I talk about my family, the good family and their funny stories and I tell about family gone bad. That cousin who in 1985 made Christmas bad for everybody by stealing everything from under that tree and selling it all for crack.
I talk about my financial situation, when it’s good and when it’s bad. When my people see me pull out my change purse and pay for my whole meal with dimes, they know I’m low on funds. When I’m not eating lunch and drinking tea that I borrowed from the office pantry, I’m in a financial funk. I have no problem explaining why my bag is so heavy – it’s because I have to run to Commerce (now TD Bank) to the penny arcade!
I just really try not to hide my truth.
I remember the time when I saw an interview with Alice Walker (I’ve spoken about this before) but what resonates within me is her candidness. She spoke of how she was blinded by her brother, the abuse one of her grandmother’s suffered, abortions. Me and DC sat their astonished and we both left saying that we wanted to be that truthful, that open.
* Some days my pendulum swings between id and ego erratically.
* I used to say that I’m jealous but I realized recently that I’m not. I choose my new quality - Guarded.
* I am mostly frugal but when it comes to jeans, costume jewelry and bags, I will splurge.
* I am a stickler for time but I am always late or rushing.
* In relationships, I love hard and I give my all. I’m usually not jealous or guarded when I’m secure in my worth.
* I am Ms. Independent with my girls but with my man, I am putty.
* I am a procrastinator in ALL things.
* I am a ride or die friend. If there is any way to say or display my loyalty, I show and prove.
* I love my family. I’d give a lung, kidney, bone marrow, and blood, whatever is necessary to save the life of anyone of them. Yes, that even goes for that crackhead cousin of mine. And I want to always be close to them, which explains why I didn’t move all over the world like my brother and the truth is, they need me as much as I need them.
* I’m selfish with my food. Food is sacred to me and when I sit down to eat and I know my food is going to be slamming, I do not want to look over and see some hungry eyes but… I almost always spill my food and on my clothes. (That’s probably the portion I should have shared).
* I look for errors and if anyone around me says a wrong word or uses a word in the wrong tense, before I can think about it, I am correcting them. The other day my supervisor said, “Who stealed it?” Oh we all fell out laughing as I said “Stealed, stealed!”
* Speaking of words… I tell anyone around me… please be careful with your use of words because I take everything literally. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
* I am a church girl but I got a potty mouth. :O It’s bad of me, I know. It's no secret that I get my sailor's mouth from my parents. My mother tells me that she likes my profane flow but that my mouth and face just don't go together. I AM WORKING ON IT!
That's simply skimming the surface...
Ayo (Joyful) ~~ Life is Real
Growing up my mother always told me that I will say the wrong thing if I talk too much and sure enough I caught enough slaps and hits for saying something out of turn or for talking too much in school.
I talk a lot. I am not ashamed to tell my business, especially when I know it can benefit someone else. I talk about my relationships, particularly with my friends or co-workers and don’t let something go down in my relationship because I will run and tell them how HE done made me mad. I talk about the good in my relationship and CB can tell you how I make her ear bleed and her stomach queasy with my love and lust stories.
I talk about my family, the good family and their funny stories and I tell about family gone bad. That cousin who in 1985 made Christmas bad for everybody by stealing everything from under that tree and selling it all for crack.
I talk about my financial situation, when it’s good and when it’s bad. When my people see me pull out my change purse and pay for my whole meal with dimes, they know I’m low on funds. When I’m not eating lunch and drinking tea that I borrowed from the office pantry, I’m in a financial funk. I have no problem explaining why my bag is so heavy – it’s because I have to run to Commerce (now TD Bank) to the penny arcade!
I just really try not to hide my truth.
I remember the time when I saw an interview with Alice Walker (I’ve spoken about this before) but what resonates within me is her candidness. She spoke of how she was blinded by her brother, the abuse one of her grandmother’s suffered, abortions. Me and DC sat their astonished and we both left saying that we wanted to be that truthful, that open.
* Some days my pendulum swings between id and ego erratically.
* I used to say that I’m jealous but I realized recently that I’m not. I choose my new quality - Guarded.
* I am mostly frugal but when it comes to jeans, costume jewelry and bags, I will splurge.
* I am a stickler for time but I am always late or rushing.
* In relationships, I love hard and I give my all. I’m usually not jealous or guarded when I’m secure in my worth.
* I am Ms. Independent with my girls but with my man, I am putty.
* I am a procrastinator in ALL things.
* I am a ride or die friend. If there is any way to say or display my loyalty, I show and prove.
* I love my family. I’d give a lung, kidney, bone marrow, and blood, whatever is necessary to save the life of anyone of them. Yes, that even goes for that crackhead cousin of mine. And I want to always be close to them, which explains why I didn’t move all over the world like my brother and the truth is, they need me as much as I need them.
* I’m selfish with my food. Food is sacred to me and when I sit down to eat and I know my food is going to be slamming, I do not want to look over and see some hungry eyes but… I almost always spill my food and on my clothes. (That’s probably the portion I should have shared).
* I look for errors and if anyone around me says a wrong word or uses a word in the wrong tense, before I can think about it, I am correcting them. The other day my supervisor said, “Who stealed it?” Oh we all fell out laughing as I said “Stealed, stealed!”
* Speaking of words… I tell anyone around me… please be careful with your use of words because I take everything literally. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.
* I am a church girl but I got a potty mouth. :O It’s bad of me, I know. It's no secret that I get my sailor's mouth from my parents. My mother tells me that she likes my profane flow but that my mouth and face just don't go together. I AM WORKING ON IT!
That's simply skimming the surface...
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Let it Flow
Let it flow... life... the stress... the forgiveness... the healing.
I am not well. I am not rested. My body hurts, my mind hurts. My thoughts are no longer conveyed as fluidly as I'd like them to be. I'm a better writer than a talker right now... :(
I'm breathing out... frustration, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and insignificance.
And I'm breathing in... serenity, hope, trust, patience, acceptance, significance, peace, optimism, courage, understanding, adequacy, positive energy, and appreciation.
I'm treading through this season. I'm looking up. I'm looking within. And as Monique reminded me... "This Too Shall Pass".
I am not well. I am not rested. My body hurts, my mind hurts. My thoughts are no longer conveyed as fluidly as I'd like them to be. I'm a better writer than a talker right now... :(
I love to talk so it's annoying me.
I'm breathing out... frustration, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and insignificance.
And I'm breathing in... serenity, hope, trust, patience, acceptance, significance, peace, optimism, courage, understanding, adequacy, positive energy, and appreciation.
I'm treading through this season. I'm looking up. I'm looking within. And as Monique reminded me... "This Too Shall Pass".
Friday, August 15, 2008
Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
I am a very moody, emotional person and sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot to get me from happy to fight mode. But I’m learning how to channel my moods, not to give in to my emotions and to find something, an anchor, for which to hold.
Most times I grab the Bible and a concordance so I can locate just what I’m feeling and read a scripture to speak to me right where I need it. Sometimes I will grab the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women” by Kristine Carlson. The "Don’t Sweats" are a widely circulated book series. In this book, Kristine Carlson offers advice to women for the little things that we do that rob us of experiencing the larger experience, seeing the bigger picture.
Most times I grab the Bible and a concordance so I can locate just what I’m feeling and read a scripture to speak to me right where I need it. Sometimes I will grab the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women” by Kristine Carlson. The "Don’t Sweats" are a widely circulated book series. In this book, Kristine Carlson offers advice to women for the little things that we do that rob us of experiencing the larger experience, seeing the bigger picture.
A few of my favorites…
Don’t Sweat says: Low Moods Are Only Temporary
My Spin: Unless I give them 2 legs, 2 arms and a mouth to mouth off – low moods do not have to turn into anything more than temporary. I don’t like to stay low for long – I will reach for a book, the phone or the stereo for some music to bust me out of my funk. I’m all for riding through my feelings but definitely not for staying in the bad feelings zone for long.
Don’t Sweat says: When All Else Fails, Laugh
My spin: I thought about this the other night while watching Wipe Out – that crazy Japanese inspired reality show where the contestants to go through the most absurd obstacle courses that are designed for them all to fall on their faces, splash in mud or water – it’s hilarious. If you get a kick out of seeing people fall like I do, this is definitely a show that can get you out of a bad mood.
Don’t Sweat says: Plan an Inspiration Flow Day
My Spin: Imagine a day where you do nothing but the things that inspire you. You don’t go to work, you don’t have to answer to your partner or spouse, you don’t have to come up with the ultimate excuse for your boss, you just get up and go, sleep all day, take a class, go to a movie, bathe, don’t bathe – whatever – as long as you are inspired and rejuvenated. I don’t do this half as much as I would like to but one of these days, soon and very soon, I am definitely I am going to plan a day just for inspiration. Then I can return to the humdrum of the everyday the next day or another day but just not on my inspiration flow day.
Don’t Sweat says: Speak From Your Love – Listen From Your Love
My Spin: These are 2 separate entries in the book but the context is the same. When speaking and listening to my friends and loved ones I must squash the inner nag, the inner therapist who is always insightful and correct – sometimes I have to speak and listen not from the part of me that is annoyed or triggered by what the person has just said but from my heart. I must imagine feeling what the other person is feeling and speak to that person as I were speaking to heal, nurture, inspire, my own self.
Don’t Sweat says: Low Moods Are Only Temporary
My Spin: Unless I give them 2 legs, 2 arms and a mouth to mouth off – low moods do not have to turn into anything more than temporary. I don’t like to stay low for long – I will reach for a book, the phone or the stereo for some music to bust me out of my funk. I’m all for riding through my feelings but definitely not for staying in the bad feelings zone for long.
Don’t Sweat says: When All Else Fails, Laugh
My spin: I thought about this the other night while watching Wipe Out – that crazy Japanese inspired reality show where the contestants to go through the most absurd obstacle courses that are designed for them all to fall on their faces, splash in mud or water – it’s hilarious. If you get a kick out of seeing people fall like I do, this is definitely a show that can get you out of a bad mood.
Don’t Sweat says: Plan an Inspiration Flow Day
My Spin: Imagine a day where you do nothing but the things that inspire you. You don’t go to work, you don’t have to answer to your partner or spouse, you don’t have to come up with the ultimate excuse for your boss, you just get up and go, sleep all day, take a class, go to a movie, bathe, don’t bathe – whatever – as long as you are inspired and rejuvenated. I don’t do this half as much as I would like to but one of these days, soon and very soon, I am definitely I am going to plan a day just for inspiration. Then I can return to the humdrum of the everyday the next day or another day but just not on my inspiration flow day.
Don’t Sweat says: Speak From Your Love – Listen From Your Love
My Spin: These are 2 separate entries in the book but the context is the same. When speaking and listening to my friends and loved ones I must squash the inner nag, the inner therapist who is always insightful and correct – sometimes I have to speak and listen not from the part of me that is annoyed or triggered by what the person has just said but from my heart. I must imagine feeling what the other person is feeling and speak to that person as I were speaking to heal, nurture, inspire, my own self.
*Image: "Feeling Free" by LaShun Beal
Monday, July 28, 2008
mid year resolution
"Keep the promises you make to yourself"
While eating a Dove chocolate I see this quote on the back of the wrapper. At first I crumpled it up but then something told me to open it. This comes in right on time as I'm sitting at my desk with a hand written note that says "I Quit!!!" and I'm feeling a wee bit froggy.
I made a promise to myself...
* To leave my job by year 12. My 1st promise was to get out of here by year 5 but I got lazy. Definitely this is my last full year here in this institution.
* To be more positive and stop complaining. It's really easy to get caught up and say whatever comes to mind rather than channeling that positive energy and being more grateful.
* To stop procrastinating. I have improved in this area so much, but I have a ways to go.
While eating a Dove chocolate I see this quote on the back of the wrapper. At first I crumpled it up but then something told me to open it. This comes in right on time as I'm sitting at my desk with a hand written note that says "I Quit!!!" and I'm feeling a wee bit froggy.
I made a promise to myself...
* To leave my job by year 12. My 1st promise was to get out of here by year 5 but I got lazy. Definitely this is my last full year here in this institution.
* To be more positive and stop complaining. It's really easy to get caught up and say whatever comes to mind rather than channeling that positive energy and being more grateful.
* To stop procrastinating. I have improved in this area so much, but I have a ways to go.
* To talk less and listen more. I haven't excelled in this area at all, I'm such a chatterbox. :(
* Mid-year people purge. I usually purge people from my life every year but I'm grateful that I've surrounded myself with some good folks and have no need to purge... a lot. However, there are a few folks in my circle who serve no purpose. Mostly mentally and I'm got to take back some of my mental space.
I think the key to it all is to be realistic. It's difficult to make promises or changes in your life if you really don't want to or if it's too hard to. We make promises to ourselves that we're just not serious about and they just fizzle.
So today I'm giving serious thought to my new promises. No need to wait until December 31st to write out a list of resolutions. Everyday is an opportunity for me to look at my life and make some readjustments.
* Mid-year people purge. I usually purge people from my life every year but I'm grateful that I've surrounded myself with some good folks and have no need to purge... a lot. However, there are a few folks in my circle who serve no purpose. Mostly mentally and I'm got to take back some of my mental space.
I think the key to it all is to be realistic. It's difficult to make promises or changes in your life if you really don't want to or if it's too hard to. We make promises to ourselves that we're just not serious about and they just fizzle.
So today I'm giving serious thought to my new promises. No need to wait until December 31st to write out a list of resolutions. Everyday is an opportunity for me to look at my life and make some readjustments.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
FEELINGS...
I love the group Floetry, sorry to hear about their breaking up but the 2 ladies together are creative genius. One of their songs that I love and enjoy listening to is Feelings, from their Flo'Ology album. It reminds me of a forbidden love of mine... Reminds of the beginning stages of relationships when it's just about to turn serious and you have yet to say "I love you" but the tension and fervor is rising...
Intro: This is about being grown, being mature and being brave. Can you be brave? Listen.
Intro: This is about being grown, being mature and being brave. Can you be brave? Listen.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Ramblings
I couldn't be happier to see the weekend approaching, along with an extra day off this coming Monday but today I am so tired. I love my co-workers but as they leave outta here, I'm happy to see each of them go.
I'm mostly tired because I stayed up late last night on a phone call that I didn't want to have. I was on the phone with the hun and we talked about our respective days, how we were looking forward to a restful weekend with each other, and our future...
Now I love my partner, we're great together, I see a future for us but I like being focused on the right now and right now is a little slow, routine, mundane. We're both to blame for the standstill. I know that I don't communicate my feelings and my wishes a lot, mostly because I find myself defending why it is I like the things I like and want to do the things I like to do. For instance I like to spend a lot of time alone. I think it has to do with years of being single and by being alone I'm not as attached. Although I think "me time" is healthy, perhaps I take it too much.
My baby wants me to move in.
Recently my girlfriend had a terrible experience of living with her significant other with no contract (marriage), no security and her name was not on the lease. She's now on someone's couch and her belongings are all over the 5 boros in people's homes. Needless to say, I'm apprehensive.
We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't see why we need to rush. We're beyond the dating phase and we've settled comfortably into togetherness but there is still a lot of we have to learn about each other. I've co-habitated before and the last thing I want to do is return back home to Mom because I made a bad decision again. So I want to be positive and secure before I make that type of move. I would actually like to be married, but that makes me breathe heavy and feel anxious inside so I know I'm not ready for that either.
What makes things come together for me is that I was walking today on my lunch hour and I bumped into a guy I knew a few years back. We were cool, went on 1 date but we lost track of each other. I was in grad school then and busy, busy, busy. But I saw him looking delicious, even in the rain and we stood, talked, exchanged numbers and I was thinking... "Am I ready to fully commit?" Heck nah! I'm so afraid.
I choose to not live with my honey because I'm flexible, I'm free. I could disappear when I want to, no questions asked. I lay up and I'm sloppy and I have no one to complain about me. I have space, a lot of it, and I know to move in would mean me getting rid of a lot of my stuff and I'm not ready to part with them. I'm just not ready. I don't see the rush and I don't feel the ticking countdown on when it's appropriate to live with someone. Who cares if it's going on 3 years or 30 years.... Wow, that was a good vent.
I don't have the slightest feelings for the delicious man I saw in the rain today and I love my baby strong but I'm more interested in doing couple things like vacationing than settling down into the non-marital monotony. I like not seeing honey's face a for a couple of days and relishing in the moment we are together again. I never had the little girl fantasies of being married and having children, although I will admit that I'm a better and balanced person when I'm committed than when I'm a bitch-on-wheels single woman.
I look forward to this long weekend and just being...
I'm mostly tired because I stayed up late last night on a phone call that I didn't want to have. I was on the phone with the hun and we talked about our respective days, how we were looking forward to a restful weekend with each other, and our future...
Now I love my partner, we're great together, I see a future for us but I like being focused on the right now and right now is a little slow, routine, mundane. We're both to blame for the standstill. I know that I don't communicate my feelings and my wishes a lot, mostly because I find myself defending why it is I like the things I like and want to do the things I like to do. For instance I like to spend a lot of time alone. I think it has to do with years of being single and by being alone I'm not as attached. Although I think "me time" is healthy, perhaps I take it too much.
My baby wants me to move in.
Recently my girlfriend had a terrible experience of living with her significant other with no contract (marriage), no security and her name was not on the lease. She's now on someone's couch and her belongings are all over the 5 boros in people's homes. Needless to say, I'm apprehensive.
We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't see why we need to rush. We're beyond the dating phase and we've settled comfortably into togetherness but there is still a lot of we have to learn about each other. I've co-habitated before and the last thing I want to do is return back home to Mom because I made a bad decision again. So I want to be positive and secure before I make that type of move. I would actually like to be married, but that makes me breathe heavy and feel anxious inside so I know I'm not ready for that either.
What makes things come together for me is that I was walking today on my lunch hour and I bumped into a guy I knew a few years back. We were cool, went on 1 date but we lost track of each other. I was in grad school then and busy, busy, busy. But I saw him looking delicious, even in the rain and we stood, talked, exchanged numbers and I was thinking... "Am I ready to fully commit?" Heck nah! I'm so afraid.
I choose to not live with my honey because I'm flexible, I'm free. I could disappear when I want to, no questions asked. I lay up and I'm sloppy and I have no one to complain about me. I have space, a lot of it, and I know to move in would mean me getting rid of a lot of my stuff and I'm not ready to part with them. I'm just not ready. I don't see the rush and I don't feel the ticking countdown on when it's appropriate to live with someone. Who cares if it's going on 3 years or 30 years.... Wow, that was a good vent.
I don't have the slightest feelings for the delicious man I saw in the rain today and I love my baby strong but I'm more interested in doing couple things like vacationing than settling down into the non-marital monotony. I like not seeing honey's face a for a couple of days and relishing in the moment we are together again. I never had the little girl fantasies of being married and having children, although I will admit that I'm a better and balanced person when I'm committed than when I'm a bitch-on-wheels single woman.
I look forward to this long weekend and just being...
Monday, October 15, 2007
Happy Monday
This has been one of the most interesting Mondays I've had in a while. First off I was excited about coming to work to see my work friends, who make the whole 9:30 to 5:30 or whenever I get here to the 8 hours later, worthwhile.
I saw my honey yesterday and it's been about 3 weeks since we could really spend some time together and so that's exactly what happened. I'm still smiling.
So I get into work today and there's flowers all over my desk. At my job there are special events all of the time, not for staff, mind you, but for private persons, organizations, etc.
And so they order these flowers and when they're done, the night staff take them. Well I have this admirer who likes to place them on my desk and that's cool. They are lovely white roses and they're huge, beautiful and there are like 3 vases. BEAUTIFUL.
Except I don't like my admirer.
My on the job husband, J, comes over and he sees and he starts laughing because he knows about my admirer. He said he should be jealous but he knows how I feel about this dude. My co-workers in our tight knit division are asking me about the wedding date I set. At this point I'm not laughing so much anymore. Partly because at this moment the admirer is calling me and I'm so thankful that the j-o-b has new phones with caller ID because I've been caught out there so much. Needless to say, I haven't answered the phone.
Just 2 weeks ago, for MY BIRTHDAY!!!! (I'm still celebratin'), he gave me flowers and those were also beautiful so I called him to thank him and the conversation turned to him begging me to let him have a chance. I've known him for 10 years and I made it clear to him for 10 years that I'm just not feeling him. He's physically attractive, has a sense of humor, but there's something about his personality that does not agree with mine. We're incompatible and he hasn't realized it yet.
Oh well enough of that.
I'm looking cuuuuuuuuuute today if I have to say so and I do, thank you. LOL
I bought those new trouser jeans that are so popular and my honey tells me this morning that I have to buy 2 more pair. LOL
I have another on-the-job friend who I probably shouldn't be friends with because the attraction is very strong, unbelievably so, and he asked me to lunch today. I accepted and we went across the street to one of these gourmet deli places and we're eating and talking and I'm watching his lips move and not listening to his words at all... Can women and men be friends without intimate action? Sure, if those 2 people are grounded in themselves and their respective partners. Trust is key. But I will say this, do not for any reason think that there is absolutely no attraction. I'm having such a good day...
I'll end with this...
I saw my honey yesterday and it's been about 3 weeks since we could really spend some time together and so that's exactly what happened. I'm still smiling.
So I get into work today and there's flowers all over my desk. At my job there are special events all of the time, not for staff, mind you, but for private persons, organizations, etc.
And so they order these flowers and when they're done, the night staff take them. Well I have this admirer who likes to place them on my desk and that's cool. They are lovely white roses and they're huge, beautiful and there are like 3 vases. BEAUTIFUL.
Except I don't like my admirer.
My on the job husband, J, comes over and he sees and he starts laughing because he knows about my admirer. He said he should be jealous but he knows how I feel about this dude. My co-workers in our tight knit division are asking me about the wedding date I set. At this point I'm not laughing so much anymore. Partly because at this moment the admirer is calling me and I'm so thankful that the j-o-b has new phones with caller ID because I've been caught out there so much. Needless to say, I haven't answered the phone.
Just 2 weeks ago, for MY BIRTHDAY!!!! (I'm still celebratin'), he gave me flowers and those were also beautiful so I called him to thank him and the conversation turned to him begging me to let him have a chance. I've known him for 10 years and I made it clear to him for 10 years that I'm just not feeling him. He's physically attractive, has a sense of humor, but there's something about his personality that does not agree with mine. We're incompatible and he hasn't realized it yet.
Oh well enough of that.
I'm looking cuuuuuuuuuute today if I have to say so and I do, thank you. LOL
I bought those new trouser jeans that are so popular and my honey tells me this morning that I have to buy 2 more pair. LOL
I have another on-the-job friend who I probably shouldn't be friends with because the attraction is very strong, unbelievably so, and he asked me to lunch today. I accepted and we went across the street to one of these gourmet deli places and we're eating and talking and I'm watching his lips move and not listening to his words at all... Can women and men be friends without intimate action? Sure, if those 2 people are grounded in themselves and their respective partners. Trust is key. But I will say this, do not for any reason think that there is absolutely no attraction. I'm having such a good day...
I'll end with this...
Michael
Jai
White
Where has that man been? Now I had the serious in my head relationship with him a while back when he played Spawn on HBO. He was aiight in the Mike Tyson movie but I'm mentioning him in my post today because over the weekend I had me a Michael Jai White dream. Yesssss I was all over that man and he was talking with that deep voice of his and I was creaming (I may as well tell the TRUTH!). I have yet to see "Why Did I Get Married" and honey wants to go this week after work but I think I may have to go solo so I can oooooh and awwww and have my chills in the spine moments all by myself! He looks a little hardened, like he's been smoking on some stogies, and that's all right because I heard his voice on Friday and I said to myself, "Self, he can still get it! Whew!
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Me & You....
This has been weighing on me and even though I'd like to write, post something lighter, funnier, fulfilling, I'm stuck right now, so I might as well let this thing out and move on from here....
Do we truly come from different worlds and that's what keeps us clashing, colliding, parting and what keeps us finding each other again and again?
I like you, your style, especially your intelligence, your personality, your off sense of humor and your disposition. I like how you're different from the average yet know a little of so much that you can blend in anywhere.
You're fantastic, if you don't know, if no one else tells you, I will, I do.
So where does all of this leave us...
You & me...
Should we be considered a we...
I used to think that I was clicking with you but you weren't clicking with me but then I realized that sometimes I don't always get you, like sometimes you don't always get me.
For instance, I think I know what you like, what you want, but I've formed my own assumptions - how assumptive of me... I've never asked just formed these thoughts in my mind and I do not like when people do that to me, so why would I do that to you?
I guess it may seem weird but I wanted us to share the same interests - a love of God, art, soul music, poetry, nature, movies... I wanted us connected. But do we really have to like the same things? I guess we don't but I am just wonderstanding why it feels like we just have this invisible blockage preventing us from truly connecting.
Could life be so intentional to prevent us from really meshing? Could we be that explosive? Take over the world explosive? Making power moves explosive? Or kill each other, drive each other "War of the Roses" explosive?
I don't know what it is about us but I'll tell you my theories....
You and I are so powerful together... conversations, goals, sexual... just overwhelmingly powerful and you fear that power, I fear that power. We both need to feel in control and just the thought that we could lose ourselves in each other, be guided beyond reason, be led by desire... we just take off away from each other. We run to others - out of sight, out of mind - yet we both know that no matter what, I'm thinking about you constantly and you're thinking about me...
Some people need to hear it, the words, but I know it when I see you and you see through me. Sometimes the words escape your lips while in intimate embrace and I pretend not to hear because the weight is too heavy for me right now or when I text message you which seems to be the only time I write the 2 words without the "I" because that would make the message
much....
too....
personal....
But I could be wrong and we just could be wrong for each other and that's why we are now not speaking, not emailing, not calling, straight avoiding each other... but I just, I mean I guess, hell - I'm just missing you and everything we are and have with each other but I don't know how to say or let things be.
Do we truly come from different worlds and that's what keeps us clashing, colliding, parting and what keeps us finding each other again and again?
I like you, your style, especially your intelligence, your personality, your off sense of humor and your disposition. I like how you're different from the average yet know a little of so much that you can blend in anywhere.
You're fantastic, if you don't know, if no one else tells you, I will, I do.
So where does all of this leave us...
You & me...
Should we be considered a we...
I used to think that I was clicking with you but you weren't clicking with me but then I realized that sometimes I don't always get you, like sometimes you don't always get me.
For instance, I think I know what you like, what you want, but I've formed my own assumptions - how assumptive of me... I've never asked just formed these thoughts in my mind and I do not like when people do that to me, so why would I do that to you?
I guess it may seem weird but I wanted us to share the same interests - a love of God, art, soul music, poetry, nature, movies... I wanted us connected. But do we really have to like the same things? I guess we don't but I am just wonderstanding why it feels like we just have this invisible blockage preventing us from truly connecting.
Could life be so intentional to prevent us from really meshing? Could we be that explosive? Take over the world explosive? Making power moves explosive? Or kill each other, drive each other "War of the Roses" explosive?
I don't know what it is about us but I'll tell you my theories....
You and I are so powerful together... conversations, goals, sexual... just overwhelmingly powerful and you fear that power, I fear that power. We both need to feel in control and just the thought that we could lose ourselves in each other, be guided beyond reason, be led by desire... we just take off away from each other. We run to others - out of sight, out of mind - yet we both know that no matter what, I'm thinking about you constantly and you're thinking about me...
Some people need to hear it, the words, but I know it when I see you and you see through me. Sometimes the words escape your lips while in intimate embrace and I pretend not to hear because the weight is too heavy for me right now or when I text message you which seems to be the only time I write the 2 words without the "I" because that would make the message
much....
too....
personal....
But I could be wrong and we just could be wrong for each other and that's why we are now not speaking, not emailing, not calling, straight avoiding each other... but I just, I mean I guess, hell - I'm just missing you and everything we are and have with each other but I don't know how to say or let things be.
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