There are no regrets in life, just lessons...

I love the month of December. December might as well be a great big ole holiday for me. It's my month of clean-up. Proverbially, I start throwing everything, out of the closets, the drawers, the hidden crannies of my life and discard that which is no longer needed, useful, no longer having value. Like taking a huge loofah and giving my life an intense exfoliation.

I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.

And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.

It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.

I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.

I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...

I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.

And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...

"Patience and Fortitude conquer all things." --Ralph Waldo Emerson

According to Middle Eastern Numerology 7 is a number of completion. I loved 2007. I took a few vacations from work, I played with the little girl in me and did some fun things like visited museums and going to movies and such. It was a good year, but oh did I go through some changes too. I experimented, cried, discovered, laughed, and fortunately I learned. I end all years with expectancy for the new, the beginning, the possible. Even though 2007 was good, I was readying myself to wave a hearty good-bye because I am looking forward with anticipation.

December 31st, Monday night and it's 10 minutes to the end of the year. I'm relaxing, sexified at my sweetheart's home. The child is in bed, the White Zinfandel is chillin' in the fridge waiting on me for 12:01 a.m., and lo and behold, an argument erupts.

Watch Night service has been a staple for me since I was about 9 years-old. I've gone almost every year since and I personally feel that it's a wonderful way to end the old year, in church, thanking God for the old, welcoming the new, etc. etc. New Year's day is my relationship anniversary and for our first anniversary, we celebrated in Aruba, which was absolutely beautiful. We didn't celebrate at all last year and I will just leave that alone because that was an issue for me and this year we were supposed to celebrate at church. I really wanted to be with my mate in my church but because of some circumstances we had a change of plans and we chose to celebrate at home.

The argument erupted when I grabbed my cell expecting a call from one of my friends who attended the church service and my mate turns to me and says, "if you don't want to be here, then you should have been at church". If he said it nicely, sweet-like, then that would have been cool but noooooo, it was nasty and filled with venom and while it didn't really erupt into an argument, there was just some unnecessary tension that was unwelcome before the emerging new year. I don't like to argue even though I'm really good at it. I play fair, I give the opportunity to speak, I listen very well, and most of all, I let the issue go when the argument is resolved. However my companion is horrible at arguing and I learned this very early on so while he's huffing and puffing, thumping and stumping, I pray my way out of 2007 and into 2008.

I could carry on with this story all day but I won't. I realized that the comment he made stemmed from the ups and downs and changes that have taken place between us. I'm far from being a relationship expert but I've had my share of relationships to know the stages. There's the 1st stage, Romance and more romance - that's the best part of the relationship!!!! The 2nd stage is the Reality Stage. This is the part of the relationship when you realize that your partner passes gas, chews with an open mouth and snores, among other annoying things. The 3rd stage is the Power Struggle Stage. This is the stage when arguments constantly pop off, mounting issues upon issues. It is in this stage that most couples decide whether they will stick it out or break up and this is the stage that my relationship is currently in.

I wish the drama ended at 12:01 a.m. Instead it was just brewing and I wondered if the relationship messes of 2007 would carry over into 2008 and right there I wanted to end things, pack up and head on back to my abode. It was then that I realized that relationship stages know no time constraints or emerging new years, especially when it comes to emotions. But if only for one night, if we could have reverted back to stage 1...
As the new year began, I grabbed my wine glass, the bottle of Gallo, relaxed on the couch and flipped to the Twilight Zone marathon, which I watched all New Year's day and well into the early morning of January 2nd.

According to Middle Eastern Numerology 8 is a number representing the end of a cycle and the beginning of a new one. I really hope for the sake of my relationship that the mess that took place the last 10 minutes of last year and traveled through January 1st was really the end of a cycle and we can expect all good things ahead. It unnerved me that we began the year with craziness and it was all unnecessary, however I feel that my partner resents me and thinks that I'm selfish and uncaring, which is completely untrue. It will be wonderful when we finally grow beyond this power struggle stage and move on to the Stability Stage... I wonder how many people actually reach this stage or even further to the Acceptance (Real Love) Stage.