Hmmm... this dude....

There's this guy who lives on the 1st floor of my building. He's tall, he's dark, he's good looking. He's got beautiful skin, large brown eyes, a wide smile and lovely teeth. But the thing that turns me on but I have to hide it... the thing that makes my smile crease but I cover it... the thing that makes me giggle like a school girl right before I haul my butt up to my apartment is his luscious, deep, enticing, inviting, sensual, soothing, captivating, Jamaican accent. Woooooooooo! I tell ya! - LOL

Now there are a few real reasons why I run away from this man. One reason is from the moment we met, in the hallway while checking our mailboxes, he told me he wanted me to be his woman. Now I may have thought something like that about someone I just met, but I never convey this information because it's false. He didn't say, "let's get to know each other" or "I'd like to get to know you better". He said I want you to be my woman. Some women fall for stuff like that, I know a few, but I toot up my lips, wave and walk away.

The 2nd reason is after our first encounter, he tries to kiss me. Yep, on the lips. I'm not against kissing when greeting people but I am against kissing someone who is nearly a stranger, just another neighbor, and especially on the lips. He did catch me one night and he kissed me on the neck. I was heated. Simply because the kiss was wet and left a lingering feeling all night long.

Then the 3rd reason, the most important reason, is I already have someone and I'm content.

I saw Mr. Man this morning and his greeting brought a chuckle to my belly, a smile to my face, a strut to my stride. It just bes like that sometime...

FEELINGS...

I love the group Floetry, sorry to hear about their breaking up but the 2 ladies together are creative genius. One of their songs that I love and enjoy listening to is Feelings, from their Flo'Ology album. It reminds me of a forbidden love of mine... Reminds of the beginning stages of relationships when it's just about to turn serious and you have yet to say "I love you" but the tension and fervor is rising...

Intro: This is about being grown, being mature and being brave. Can you be brave? Listen.

FIDELITY......

I was inspired to write this post after the something that occurred between me and my partner this past weekend and after reading Minus the Bars’ post on Cheating. I catch lots of slack from my friends and definitely with my partner about fidelity. It’s the one thing we strive for in our relationships, no one sets out to cheat, but somewhere along the course of involvements, life happens.

When you first meet that person and they are all you ever wanted in a mate, it’s impossible to foresee cheating but after a period of time, when the monotony and predictability of relationships settles in, that sexy brotha or sista seems very appealing all of a sudden.

It all depends on what one considers cheating. In the beginning of my relationship, I told my partner that I consider cheating any act that you feel you have to lie about. My point is that we communicate on any issue, no matter what. I know honesty hurts. It hurts when I hear about what he’s feeling before the act and it hurts after I bust him up in the act but knowing is half the battle.

What is considered cheating...?

Flirting?
Kissing?
Online relationships?
Emotional affairs?
Hand holding?
Looking at porn sites?
Any form of sexual contact?

How about?

Anything you feel you have to lie about?
Anything you feel guilty about?
Anything you know your partner would be hurt by?
Anything you're hiding from your partner?

The issue I always seem to have is that I'm pretty open and understanding about cheating. Guess it comes from being cheated on or maybe it comes from cheating myself.... I really haven't thought deeply enough to truly say. The thing is that sometimes it's just so hard to stay faithful, even when it's something you really want to do. Therefore it's really not about your partner, it's not about what they're giving or not, it's not about the other person and they way they keep flirting... It's about values. The value you place on your relationship. The integrity you possess. The value you place on your feelings and behaviors.

If you're feeling confident, secure, content, happy, joyful, fulfilled... what is there to look outside of the realm of your relationship for?

Back to Work!

It’s something about Mondays… I come back to work after the weekend and I just long for the mattress, the down comforter and the remote control. Instead I roll up in this crazy Library…

Someone stole my co-worker, Saki’s, sneakers. Me and Saki wear the same size. Well not really. She wears about a half-size smaller than I do. I tried her sneakers on once and they just fit. I told her that there were really cute and they were. A nice little orange and silver pair of N.ikes.

We all keep an extra pair of shoes here at the office. I have a box and I keep 2 pairs of boots, 2 pairs of slippers and some flats under my desk. I know it was a staff member, security or maintenance, since the public has no access to this area and the public wouldn’t think to look under the desk and find a darn near new pair of sneakers and walk about without security ready to grab them up. Plus there are cameras everywhere.

While Saki is yelling and ranting about someone stealing her sneakers she turns to me and says “they even fit you, remember when you tried them on?” I hope like hell Saki doesn’t think I stole her damned sneakers!!!! I don’t even wear sneakers. I like them but I look crazy in them.

That reminded me of a time when a woman who worked in the Library, but in a different department, lost her David Yurman topaz ring. She left it in the bathroom. She said it was a family heirloom and even offered an award for it. She never found the ring.

I happen to have a topaz ring. It is no where near being a David Yurman but it is just as chunky as his rings are. One day Saki was down in my office and she says to me, you have a topaz ring, suppose she comes to question you about it. 2 days later, the young lady who left her ring in the bathroom and another worker come into my office, bearing gifts of paper cups and plastic mugs. She gasps as she looks down at my topaz ring. She asks me if I know that she is the one who lost her ring. By now my face is all screwed up because I know Saki did not tell this woman to come and see if I had her ring. I told her that I knew it was her, I was sorry for her loss, and if I saw anyone with her ring I would be sure to let her or security know. Then she starts crying. Probably because she was fed untrue information and probably from looking at my ring and wanting hers back. I never questioned Saki about it. I should have but I know me and it would not have been pretty so I let it go.

I’m upset that Saki lost her nearly new pair of gym sneakers. I know how it feels and no one likes to have their private property taken from them. But if she repeats anything about me trying them sneakers on, Saki is definitely catching a case!

My Ten Guilty Pleasures

1. Any book by one of my favorites... Toni Morrison, Bernice L. McFadden, Zora Neale Hurston, Kyra Davis, Maya Angelou, J. California Cooper, Alice Walker, Glenville Lovell, Patricia Powell, Walter Mosley, Bebe Moore Campbell, Richard Wright, Terry McMillan, and the list can go on and on...

2. Tastykakes... I recently discovered these evil little treats in the supermarket last weekend hidden behind the potato chip shelving. I know I should have skipped over this purchase , but I only bought one box even though they were 2 for $5. How I trick myself into eating them slowly is putting the whole darn box in the freezer and I remove only 1 package at a time.

3. A glass or two of red wine... my preferences are Pinot Noir, Cabernet Sauvignon and Merlot.

4. Bacial... It's a back facial from one of my favorite spas here in NYC, Cynergy. It would be nice if the ladies who worked there weren't so... ummm.... ghetto, but the treatment is awesome.

5. Going to the movies alone... I am an admitted semi-recluse but there's something calming and enticing about going to the movies solo. I like company but most times I can do without it.

6. F*** me pumps... I borrow the name from an Amy Winehouse song but I have these black, lace up front, 4 1/2 inch heels that we not made for walking. I like to put them on and just stare at my feet in them. I'm telling you they are ridiculously sexy. That's one time when I don't mind having company.

They look something like these but a tad bit sexier...

7. Journaling in NYC parks... I prefer Bryant Park, Central Park and my local neighborhood park. It's relaxing to just sit back, in the fresh open air, and write.

8. The Color Purple and any Spike Lee Movie... with a bowl of popcorn, a liter of Fresca and a pack of twizzlers... I am so good.

9. Dale & Thomas Chocolate Drizzlecorn...

10. Alone time with the boo... like early Saturday mornings, especially now that there's a little chill in the air and the heat isn't piping so it's nice to be under the covers, feeling body heat which leads to so much more...

"Bedda At Home"

I hadn't spoken to this young man in quite a while. We had some dealings about 6 years back. I was surprised when I saw him on the train, haven't seen him in a while. He put on weight. Was dressed in his uniform. He looked good. Sexy even.

He sat down next to me. Told me that I looked good. I complimented him with the same. He smelled really good. He asked if I was connected, I told him that I am. He told me that he was dating but he's not serious with any one woman. He then looked up at the ceiling of the train, as if reading, and recited my home phone number back to me. "Is that it?", he said. "Yes", I replied. I didn't know if it's because I was dog tired or because my stop was approaching... I don't know what it was, but I wasn't impressed.

He didn't call me that very night but tonight he does and tells me that he thinks of me a lot. He remembers so much about us and our time spent together. I'm like the good one who got away, he tells me. He then gives an analogy of the Titanic and how the shark is looking for one person but there are thousands of people floating in the ocean, but the shark only wants one. He says that he's that shark and there are many people that want him, but he only wants me.

I'm puzzled by this analogy. Actually I'm annoyed. It's ridiculous. What the hell is he talking about? He compares himself to a shark? Okay I get it, he's a man on the prowl? And I'm supposed to feel good about being his hunt?

I get off the phone not too long after this politely letting him know that under no circumstances is he to call my number again. If I recall, our first attempt at a relationship lasted about a month and our 2nd attempt lasted lasted a little more than a week. Something happened that turned me off from him real quick and of course I didn't remember what it was until this very conversation.

Jill Scott's lyrics from "Bedda At Home" come to my mind as I replace the cordless to the base...

"You're that kind/ That turns my head and makes me look/You're the kind/ That makes me pull single dollars/Out my pocket book/Your sexiness and vivacity makes me/Wanna cook my favorite recipe/And place it on your table, baby/Your intoxicating and so divine/You're the kind that stays on a sista's mind..."

And that's a dangone shame because that's where it ends for this chocolate brother who calls himself "T. Chestnut" and he does slightly resemble Mr. Morris Chestnut. However I prefer the qualities, physical & mental, that attract me and keep me devoted to my partner...

"He's the kind that curls my toes/He's the kind that loves my mind and feeds my soul/His intellect and outer respect, makes me wanna crawl/And be my best/And I know...He loves his baby/He sense of self and silliness/Makes the hardest things/The simplest and I look but don't touch"

I accepted the phone call inquisitively. I could have told T. Chestnut on the train not to even bother but I was momentarily interested. It felt good to be remembered, desired and pursued, again. Sometimes in long term relationships the thrill simmers, but to my man I say...

"Baby I know you love me, And your love is wonderful.

You help me feel free,

I wont betray you unintentionally, or intentionally,

I got you babe,

You can rest your shoulders and sleep at night - Okay"

Dedicated to my Mom

Me and my mom always had a close relationship and there were things in my life that I didn’t want to share with her because I knew that it would hurt her. My cousins were always trying to kill each other, getting arrested, having babies and abortions and doing all kinds of messes. I saw how their actions embarrassed my aunt and I didn’t want to follow behind them. I was not an innocent child, by far, but whatever I did, I always wanted to bring honor to my family and to myself.

I lived and had so much fun throughout my 20s but I always tried to be responsible. My parents raised me, did the best that they could and always wanted the best for me. The least I could do is repay them by keeping out of trouble, going to school, graduating and being independent but if my parents knew half of what I got myself into and thankfully out of, they would probably be ashamed.

Nowadays I don’t worry about shaming my mom as much as she shames me. My mother, as my co-worker, CB, says is Gangsta. She is loud, she says the craziest things, she curses like a sailor and she dances like a stripper. I can’t take her NO where. One time my mother's co-worker said something crazy to her and my mother says "you need to watch your mouth, because that's how people get shot". My mom doesn't own a gun, she ain't shooting nobody and I asked her where did the comment come from. She didn't answer the question but she looks at me all crazy and says, "It's true, right?". Though my partner tells me that I’m just like my mom, I only see a mild resemblance. Still I don’t want to ever bring any shame to her or make her feel bad for anything I’ve done. So in my 30s I’m still a good girl and I’m oh so proud about it.

My co-worker, Yves is such a sweetie, and we shared an experience yesterday that I won’t get into much because she might kill me. She’s been going through a crisis for the past 2 weeks that I hope has been resolved after last night but even the young ones offer some inspiration. She spoke about not wanting to shame her mom for some deed she has done and I say to Yves, ain't nothing wrong with being a good girl. I commend you for being in school, getting your degree and doing things in your life to restore harmony and balance.

And to my mom, I've given her a new name. She laughed at me last night as I told her. Her new name for '08 is Patience. She laughed because she's many things but she ain't got a patient bone in her body. The one thing that I love about my mom is that she is the funniest lady. She's in her 60s and she's still stronger and faster than me. She's got so much energy and she is still hot and sexy. I wish I had a pic of her to post but I don't. You'll just have to imagine.

Have a good weekend, y'all!