Let it Flow

Let it flow... life... the stress... the forgiveness... the healing.

I am not well. I am not rested. My body hurts, my mind hurts. My thoughts are no longer conveyed as fluidly as I'd like them to be. I'm a better writer than a talker right now... :(

I love to talk so it's annoying me.

I'm breathing out... frustration, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and insignificance.

And I'm breathing in... serenity, hope, trust, patience, acceptance, significance, peace, optimism, courage, understanding, adequacy, positive energy, and appreciation.

I'm treading through this season. I'm looking up. I'm looking within. And as Monique reminded me... "This Too Shall Pass".

Blue Funk

I’ve been in a blue mood lately. I was thinking it was because of my lack of finances. I’m making sacrifices right now for the greater good in my life and I’m missing the splurge money I used to have in order to pick up anything I want at whim.

Then I was thinking it was because of my insomnia. Last night I thought I was going to kung fu my sleeplessness so I took a long hot bath, burnt some oil, Exotic from The Body Shop, I put on my sleep CD and replayed it 3 times while I laid in bed. I rubbed myself, I rocked myself, counted my breaths and finally I had my way with myself (if you know what I mean) and nada! I don’t know when I fell asleep but I do know it wasn’t soothing at all. I usually have no problem sleeping. Sleeping is more than a need for me, it’s an addiction but lately sleep has not been my friend and I’ve been moody because of it.

Actually moody is an understatement. I’ve been rude, nasty and every so often, just vicious. Since sleep is my favorite pastime I know from reading about it, lack of sleep sometimes increases or decreases sex drive, increases or decreases appetite, brings about slurred and/or nonsensical speech, can result in colds and memory loss, and causes irritability.

I usually combat the blue moods by being grateful, thankful for what I do have like a closet full of clothes and shoes, handbags, all things I need and even excess. Yet I can’t shake the blueness.

I’m thankful for my peeps. My homie/co-worker bought me a journal (she knows how I love stationery) and it’s so pretty – a light pink and dark blue number – I love it! I think of all the poems, short stories and blurbs I’ll write in it but I’m still blue.

I’m thankful for the holiday off and the 35 hours following that I’ll be on leave from work where I plan to meet this blue mood head on and destroy it right through its nucleus. Yet I’m finding it hard to shake and spiral higher from this blueness.

I’m blue to the point where I want to throw myself on my mattress and wail, but even while sitting here in front of this pc, I know the tears just won’t flow the way I want them to – full and heavy, wetting up my face, bringing snot to my nose, clogging my ears, soaking my pillow, causing a huge headache and invoking sleep.

So I’m blue and I type.

I’m blue and I just want to run to and lay across my mother’s lap and have her stroke my hair, telling me baby, “it’s gonna be all right” while I fall asleep. I’m blue and I just want to drink to the bottom of a good bottle of red wine until I succumb to deep slumber. I’m blue and I desire someone kneading my shoulders and feets until the knots retreat and I blend into a mattress and sail off to lala land. But nope I’m awake and I’m blue.

And so I turn to music…

Who better to keep me company and bring heaviness to my lids than Mistress Soul Singer… Anita Baker? Except that I’m wide awoke listening to Rapture, Songstress, Giving You the Best That I Got and Compositions, swaying to the music but not sleepy. Now I really want to cry.

I know my neighbors hear me as I sing Angel… “If I could I’d give you the world / Wrap it all around you / Won’t be satisfied with just a piece of this heart / My angel / Oh, angel…”

*awake and still blue*

When ‘Nita sings Giving You The Best That I Got, I belt right along with her… “I'm giving you the best that I got, babeeeeee / I bet everything on my wedding ring / I-I-I’m giving it to you baby”...

*awake and i sigh*

My blue mood is still in tact but I'm feeling heavy lidded with a little Sweet Love “With all my heart I love you, baby / Stay with me and you will see / My arms will hold you, baby / Never leave, 'cause I believe / I’m in love, sweet love / Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame / I'm in love, sweet love / Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way"

I croon with Anita through Good Love, Same Ole Love, Lead Me Into Love, Been So Long, Talk To Me and Whatever It Takes. Now Just Because comes on and my lids feel a little gritty, like my friend, sleep, has come back to link up, connect and Bring Me Joy… "You brimg me joy / When I'm down / Oh, so much joy / When I lose my way Your love comes smiling on me…"

Goodnight folks & may you all have a wonderfully safe and enjoyful Labor Day! Enjoy every barbecue, every party, every carnival...

Rest easy..... K

* Artwork "Lilies for Indigo" by Lashun Beal

Love Itself..... Love List Thursdays

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident." - Captain Corelli's Mandolin. "Love is the beauty of the soul."--St. Augustine

The other day my mother bumped into one of her old girlfriends and my old baby sitter, V. She told V I was still living in her old apartment and she could come see me whenever she felt like... if I was home. V is like a mother/aunt to me, since she baby sat me for about 5 years. I love V, I mean really and I can't stress it enough. She's close enough to me like a mother, but also like a friend. She was the first I told when I first experienced intercourse. I ran to her when I was 18 and helplessly in love and my mother couldn't understand why I was possessed. V is one of the most loving and caring women in my life.


She has always been sensual and vivacious. When my mom used to host house parties, V was the life of the party with her signature black tube dresses and her long, thick, wavy hair combed to one side, falling over her left shoulder.

V’s favorite color was black. Everything in her house... the tile on the floor, curtains, table, and all of her furniture & appliances was black. At Christmas, though, she always had a silver tree. One year she decided to paint a big black bold V on her wall.

I remember raiding V’s closet for my favorite pair of shoes that belonged to her. She had these black kitten heels with feathers across the toes that I loved to slip on my feet and parade around her house, although they were too big for me.

V used to smoke More cigarettes with the brown paper, which were long and elegant – which probably lead me to smoking Clove cigarettes because of the dark paper and the elegant look to them but it was also the clove smell appealed to me.

My mother told me once that V was every man’s dream. She explained that V was the type of woman who woke up earlier than her man, cooked his breakfast, ironed his clothes, ran his bath, put his slippers right by his side of the bed and would even put his toothpaste on his toothbrush. I tried that once and all that catering and pampering gets tired real quick.

Last week Thursday, shortly after coming home from work, I heard V in the hallway of my building before she even rang my bell, “K, are you in there with those big pretty legs?”. (For the record, my legs are huge, not big) I opened my door and there was V, 61 years old and still as beautiful as she was 30 years ago when I first met her. Her hair, though still long and wavy has thinned and grayed with age. She’s still curvy and she still has a smile like sunshine. Accompanying V was her fiancé, 46 year-old Romeo.

At 61, V has never been married though she has her share of past romances. I invited V and her fiancé in and pretended to grill him to make sure he was really into my auntie and not just stringing her along. He left shortly after meeting to wait in his car and me and V had a little chit chat about love.

She explained to me how she met Romeo also known as Mega Man (a nickname she gave him and I see she is still every man’s dream, making this man feel Mega). She asked me about getting married and I danced around the issue until she interrupted me and said...
"K, make sure you are equally yoked with your man. Sure it’s good if you both have the same beliefs in a higher power but even if you don’t make sure you have the same beliefs in a good life, finances, physical health, family, respect and love. Remember marriage is forever so take all the time you need."

At one point my family constantly got on me about getting married before I got too old and I told V about my father’s comment in particular. He told me to get married, if it doesn’t work, then get divorced – as if it’s that simple. She laughed then and told me that my father was just joking but this time V said, "and don’t listen to your father either, marriage is simple and yet not so simple. It’s worth it if you are committed to the right person."

Finally I asked V, who has had her share of heartbreak, why isn’t she bitter. She told me plainly and yet I’m paraphrasing a little, "K, I love love. I love all it contains, the feelings, the smell of it, the joy it brings. Love is why I exist. Love is who I am. I can’t help but love, fall in love, and try love again and again and again. Love wakes me up each morning, tucks me in at night. Love is like the sun rays upon my skin and it's in everything I do - the food I cook, the way I walk and talk. I believe in love. I just can't help myself."

K's Love List

91. Gently tells me when I'm wrong and knows just how to criticize me without being too critical
92. Entertains my wild side - like Dwele sings in his song "I'm Cheatin'"
93. Knows that I prefer lilies and daisies over roses
94. Works hard to get rid of his baggage just as I work to get rid of mine
95. Expects me to be his woman, his life partner but not his replacement mama or maid

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...


If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work

Dreaming... the interpretation

Apartment/House
To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. A house can represent security, comfort, protection, familiarity, or belonging.

Bed/ Bedroom
To see your bed in your dream represents your intimate self and discovery of your sexuality; your romantic relationship, especially communication and emotional intimacy within a relationship; your inner thoughts or relationship within yourself; security and safety, especially emotional. To dream that you are in the bedroom signifies aspects of your self that you keep private.

Gifts
To dream that you receive a gift indicates that you are being rewarded and recognized for your generosity and giving nature. You are held in high esteem by those around you.
To see a pile of gifts, symbolizes unutilized or unrecognized skills and talents.
Receiving a gift can mean that you'd like for this to happen in real life, or that you're feeling fortunate in your life right now, or that someone has actually been generous to you, or you expect them to be.

Food
To see food in your dream represents physical and emotional nourishment and energies.

Kiss
To dream of a kiss, denotes love, affection, tranquility, harmony, and contentment. Emotional intimacy (emotional trust and openness), interaction, or a feeling of closeness with someone. A replay of when you felt close to someone. Liking the person or wanting to know them better—and not necessarily romantically!

Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to understand and deal with your emotions. You need to dive right in. Alternatively, a pool may indicate your need for cleansing. You need to wash away the past. A calm pool can represent peace, relaxation, or a feeling of luxury.

Picture
To see a picture in your dream, symbolizes a mental imprint that remains persistent in your mind. Pictures indicate memories, or the way you remember an event (which may or may not be the way it actually happened). The idea of a mock-up or fake version of what's in the photo (rather than the real thing).

Staircase
To see spiral or winding stairs, signify growth and/or rebirth.

Cake
To see a cake in your dream, indicates that you need to learn to share and allocate your workload instead of trying to do everything yourself. Cakes also symbolize selfishness or the feeling of not getting your fair share. More positively, the dream may represent your accomplishments and achievements. Consider also the metaphor a "piece of cake" or some situation that is easy. Seeing a cake can mean a special event, fun or happiness, or "sweet times." Dreaming that you are eating cake can also mean that you are actually hungry or craving sweets.

I woke up smiling from this dream, which I think is good since I wake up from most dreams sucking my teeth and upset that I dreamt them. All in all, I think this was a good dream, more so about me and my growth than a potential love affair with a sweet sounding, nice looking Dread with a funky house, a love of chocolate and caramel who adores me enough to place a picture/mural of me and him on the wall of his house.

Dreaming...

Me and The Dread
*I hope no one with locks will find this offensive. I call most Jamaicans with locks or dreadlocks, Dreads.

This dream is very much unlike the dream I had recently where Nas was a gun toting hustler who was the least bit interested in me – I couldn’t understand it knowing that he is my man along with Andre Benjamin, Michael Jai White and Dwayne (The Rock) Johnson.

However this dream didn’t include any of my celebrity hunnies. I was in a relationship or involvement with a Dread. I didn’t know his name but he was definitely a beautiful man with long dreads. I don’t know how we met, how we became involved, we just were. We were in my apartment, which was supposed to be his house. I was sitting on the bed in my bedroom with clothes and gifts all around me. Apparently they were gifts from him to me. I was smiling and laughing, he was talking and I couldn’t understand a word he said in his accent but I did understand him as he said "You’re my woman. Do you know what that means?" I said yes but he went on to explain that me being his woman means that he is the man, he will take care of me and I will take care of him.

CHANGE

I had come in from work or wherever and it was hot so I was sweating a little. I bought some food in with me in a white take-out bag. He grabbed me up in this passionate embrace and began kissing me. It was a really good kiss and I asked him if he ate spaghetti and meat sauce. He said yes but I didn’t believe him. I don’t know why I had the spaghetti and meat sauce because I don’t eat meat and I’m guessing that the dread didn’t either but I think he said yes because he wasn’t interested in the food. We were kissing near a spiral staircase in his house and he said how about we not eat (this time in perfect English), how about we take a dip in the pool. A loudly squealed “We have a pool?” I then looked behind him and there was this huge picture of me and him on the wall like a mural and I thought to myself – K this dude really likes you… I ran into my bedroom to look out of the window and sure enough there was this huge pool, clear and blue, in the backyard.

CHANGE

I baked a cake for the Dread. The cake was shaped like a big ole Hershey’s Kiss, caramel and chocolate flavored. I was slicing off pieces of the cake and I offered him the slices but he kept telling me no, no, no to each small slice. When the cake was even, he told me to cut it in half, one half would be for me, one half would be for him. Then I woke up.

Throughout the dream and being with him, I knew and felt that I had a boyfriend. As in reality, I don’t see my guy during the weekend mostly but during the weekend and I was with this Dread during the week but the weekend was coming and he was demanding my time. I kept thinking what lie am I going to tell my guy to be able to spend time with the Dread and then right before I woke up, I had the idea of just breaking up with my guy - ending our relationship.

I italicized some of the words that were significant to me in the dream...
My apartment... his house
The bed... the bedroom
The gifts
The food... the kiss... the staircase... the picture... the pool
The cake

Remembering

7 years ago I was battling a severe case of whatever it is I come down with when I leave the Caribbean and Mexico. It started as I was leaving the cruise ship. I couldn't hold down food, the toilet bowl was my best friend.

I came home early on Saturday, August 24th and slept through the night. I woke up early in the morning and looked down at my thighs and noticed they were considerably smaller. I decided to step on my scale to satisfy my mind's query. Sure enough I lost 10 pounds overnight. Never before nor after have I been able to manage that feat.

I laid back down because whatever it was had taken hold of me again. I awoke to the phone ringing. I answered. My friend, Mickey, was crying. Are you listening to the radio, K? Did you hear about her? Aaliyah is dead.

I am a skeptic. I believe NOTHING until I see the proof for myself. Far too often we hear rumors about someone passing when they are actually alive and well. I am upset that the media killed Bernie Mac off a week before he actually passed away. Makes me wanna believe that all of the gossip powers were able to take him out, yet I know it's not that simple.

I hung up with Mickey, explaining to her that I was under the weather. I turned the radio on and they were playing Aaliyah songs. That meant nothing. I listened some more until the radio DJ mentioned that Aaliyah Haughton had passed away in a plane crash. Now I understood Mickey's tears. Though she is emotional and has a tendency of falling in love and carrying on relationships with celebrities (she was the one in a relationship with Jay-Z), she was crying for me. I had just arrived from a trip overseas and it was my first time flying. Everyone including my mother was nervous about me flying, except me. For Mickey, Aaliyah's death could have easily been mine.

Today marks the 7th anniversary of Aaliyah's death. I am not one for observing death dates, I prefer to observe their birth dates, yet I can't help but remember how fortunate I felt that day, how sad I was and though Aaliyah was not an off the meter pop singer, I love her music and I miss her.

"I Don't Wanna"

Life Lessons I Wish I Learned From My Daddy

My daddy was the biggest man in my life for the longest of time. He has this big voice, big laugh and even now he's still kinda tall. When I was younger he'd pick me up and place me on his shoulders like the time we went to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. My father worked evenings and nights but he was the one who walked me to school every morning. My father gave me an allowance every week, which I was to save, and then he'd give me spending money. When my daddy realized how I loved chocolate, he would keep a stash in his night table drawer to settle my Friday night munchies. He could have waited to give me treats when he came in at 12:35 AM but knew I'd be in bed, fast asleep, by the time Arsenio went off.

Yet when it came to matters of the heart, there was a void. My father was an excellent provider. Whatever we needed and a lot of whatever we wanted, he supplied. When I was 18, my mother was afraid that I was going to elope with my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend talked about it, I often dreamt about it - buying bridal magazines and fantasizing about my dream wedding. My mom begged and cried for my father to talk to me. We had a very simple conversation. Though I can't remember verbatim, it went a little sumthin' like this :

Daddy: Your mother tells me you have a boyfriend.

Me: Yes Daddy, I do. I would like for you to meet him some day.

Daddy: Ok darlin'. Your mother is afraid because you're spending too much time with him. She feels like you're disrespecting her. You're not going to run off and marry him, are you?

Me: (Sucking my teeth) Mommy really doesn't understand me. No Daddy I am not going to run off and marry him.

Daddy: I told her that I knew my child. I told your mother not to worry.

Now I can see how my mother probably wanted him to say and do more. My parents never complimented their children on their physical appearances. My mother says that she felt that complimenting us would go to our heads. Yet after heartaches and heartbreaks.... after years of feeling unpretty.... learning life lessons the hard way... I wish there were things that my daddy told and taught me...

* I wish my father told me over and over again that I was beautiful, significant, special, talented, exceptional, intelligent, awesome, brilliant, confident, phenomenal – that he was proud of me

* I wish my father told me to never settle for less than what I deserve

* I wish my father told me that a boy or a man does not give anything to a woman unless he expects something in return.

* I wish my father told me that if a man wants you, he’ll wait for you… I wish he taught me to value my body and the value in waiting for the right man.

* I wish my father told me that it was okay to feel fearful, hurt or rejected because something or someone better is to come. I wish he wiped my heartbroken tears.

* I wish my father told me to never act less than who I am.

* I wish my father taught me how to spot a good man and how to know when I’m getting played.

* I wish my father taught me that abuse is not the norm and I should never allow a man to put his hands on me.

* I wish my father taught me how a woman is supposed to be treated.

However I am grateful for lessons my father did teach me. My father insisted that I get my education and not just good but great grades. My father taught me how to be frugal and to save a part of my salary every pay day. I do not blame my father for the lessons he never taught me. I know he just didn’t know what to say or how to say them. He loved me the best way he knew how.

I am grateful for my spiritual father, God the Father, for loving and blessing his girl/woman child. God has truly filled the gaps in my life that neither my father nor any other man has ever been able to fill. I think John 4: 1-26 when Jesus met the woman at the well and how Jesus told her that he could provide water where she would never thirst again. The woman came to the well with an empty pot and after she spoke with Jesus, she left her pot right there. She no longer needed it. That’s what God has done for me. He has satisfied my thirsts for things that never satisfied me anyway – I call them false fillers. He loves me so much that I don’t bring emptiness to any relationship. I am so full of love, I am overflowing with it and have so much to share.

I am grateful for JT, my on the job hunny, for constantly complimenting me, for being my friend, for schooling me on dudes and the bull they try and sometimes succeed in pulling. I love JT because he values women - his mother, his sister, his ex-wife, his daughter. If you act like a ho, he treats you like a ho but when you act like a lady, he metaphorically and sometimes literally kisses your hands and your feet.

I am grateful for Rone, a past love, for telling me that if a man moves me out of my father’s home, he better be able to provide for me the same or provide better amenities than my father has. While we dated, I never paid for one date, he always paid it all. He bought food for my home. He picked me up from work, church and grad school. He gave me space to hang out with my girlfriends and he would often treat me and my girls when we went out. He was good to my mother and cool with my father.

I am grateful for FP, another on-the-job hunny and his old fashioned ways. For always walking on the “outside”, for opening doors and for knowing the value of good chocolate.

And I am grateful for my guy, MB. I knew MB for years before we became involved but on the night we began he told me how precious I was inside and out. He told me to value my body and to not give it away. I thank him for loving every dimple, roll, curve - every portion of my body. He still loves me and desires me physically. MB is my closest friend, my confidante and my protector. He still looks at me in a lusty kind of way when he thinks I’m not looking… well that is when he looks at me.

I am grateful for my exes, for teaching me lessons that I never want to experience again.

K’s Love List

86. Has mastered the art of massage or is willing to learn how to give a great back, foot, scalp, shoulder, whole dang body rub!
87. Writes or likes poetry and doesn’t mind reciting it in my ears whether I’m awake or asleep
88. Knows it is his duty to make me feel protected and cared for – physically, financially, emotionally
89. Enjoys and knows the benefits of eating aphrodisiac foods...
90. Likes going horseback riding and taking classes at Our Name is Mud


If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work