Friday, March 20, 2009

The Miracle of Tears...

As of late... as I've gotten older, I've become a wonder, even to myself, because no matter what the circumstance, I don't seem to cry.

I can remember crying a lot when I was younger. Whenever I was sad or extremely upset, tears would flow to regulate my mood.

And I also remember when I was younger that I was very ticklish. I mean very. Under my arms, my feet, my sides and even near my collar bone... I couldn't stand laughing involuntary and consequently, I learned to control the uncontrollable laughter and furthermore, you can touch me anywhere and I will definitely not laugh.

I can't pinpoint the moment in my life when I seemingly tired of the involuntary tears that would trickle from my eyes. Perhaps it was after a dreadful break up, or maybe it was after losing a loved one... Maybe because society at large confuses tears with weakness and I accepted that and dried up my own tear ducts. I can't say for sure.

Now I cried when we lost our grandmother. However it wasn't the cry that I am used to crying. I now find that a cry will get caught in my chest but I won't heave and stray tears may or may not fall.

The other day I was visiting Sister Kiaya and she was sharing her story about her recent tear drought. I, in turn, shared with her my bout... and honestly I wasn't very concerned about it until I read her story. I figured that I was strong, maybe toughened by my life experiences. Maybe my tears didn't fall so that I wouldn't be blinded, momentarily. Maybe I remained dry eyed so that I can get done what I've got to get done without interference.

After thinking it over, I started researching tears and how beneficial crying is... how crying releases toxins from the body, regulates stress hormones and how almost every function of the body is affected by the discharge of tears.

I still couldn't cry.

I thought about losing my grandmother without saying goodbye to her...

I still didn't cry.

I thought about... my 4 year relationship ending...

... being 33 and unmarried,

... being 33 and not having children of my own,

... meeting a love supreme and seeing it's ending,

... my unmet goals,

And I still did not cry.

But I went to church on Wednesday night. We've been having these Lenten services leading up to Easter Sunday. A Woman of God spoke about how "God's Plan Changed Everything" and something broke in me.

The layers I've carefully placed around myself to protect me from... others... and even my self began to shed and a tear fell. It felt sooo good.

But I wasn't done yet. I started listening to Kirk Franklin's "Without You" and on a public bus I let loose and the floodgates opened.

I thought about my boundless, bountiful, enormous blessings...

And the tears fell.

I thought about relationships ending, the beauty in relationships that exist...

And the tears poured down my face.

I thought about goals I haven't met and those that grace my walls..

And the tears fell.

I thought about my family, my parents and my beautiful friends...

And I smiled through my tears.

I wish I could say that was enough but it wasn't. Apparently I've been holding so much in for so long that when I reached home I threw on Marvin Sapp, Ricky Dillard and Fred Hammond. I cried through I started singing, I started dancing, I started clapping, people were laughing AND Like a ship... without a sail AND more than the air I need to breathe, I need more of you!

And I really cried. I heaved and held myself until my nose was stuffy, my eyes were bloodshot... until my head hurt and my lips swole up... I FELT SOOO GOOD! LOL

Til this moment, I can sit still or get busy... I can call a friend or read quietly... like last night when I watched Grey's Anatomy or while I sit now in front of this pc and tears surface the rims of my eyes and some fall.. some rack my body... but most of all, I am enjoying this season of purification. Truly there is a blessing in a good cry.


Kiayaphd said...

Nothing more cleansing than a good cry. . . true knowledge here.

It's funny, as I read your words, I felt tears stuck in my throat but nothing fell. As I've mentioned before, this is not like me, and I'm paying a heavy price for it.

I'm so grateful for your release. . . I'm still waiting on my breakthrough!

MsKnowitAll said...

Kiaya... I wish you could release, I really do. I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way that you receive your release soon. I can't wait to read about it when it happens.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

Crying is good for the soul. I am glad you released your emotions.

I cry very easily . . too easy sometime. But the long hard heartfelt cries always helps me to see things that much better.

The funny thing about this is I haven't cried over anyone I know who has died. I've felt bad. I've felt sorry however I haven't cried. . .I wasn't close to any of them either.

MsKnowitAll said...

Queen... I've gone to funerals for people I ain't even know and bawled. I think I may be an empath for sorrow or something.

Crying really does make things so much better and clearer.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Good for you that you found a way to cleanse the emotions.

I'm the opposite. In the past it would take a lot to make me cry, now not so much. I cry at movies, and the first couple of seasons of Grey's would make me have tissues available before it started :)

Funny, I think I am a lot more emotionally stable and happier now that I can show my tears. Never thought about it until now.

MsKnowitAll said...

Kay C... It's a monsoon of emotions right now but I hope I stable out. Yes! The 1st couple of seasons of Grey's were tear jerkers. Now it's hits and misses.

Like Lyfe Jennings sang and I should have included this in the post... "Crying is like taking your soul to the laundry mat"... I love his song "Cry".

The Insatiable One said...

Crying is cleansing for the soul. We should all do it from time to time as a means of housekeeping. ;)

ninamm said...

Makes me think of Hezekiah Walker's song "...won't it make you CLEAN...inside!"

Allowing yourself the freedom to cry is the true feat here.

MsKnowitAll said...

Thank you Nina. It certainly does bring Hez to mind. LOL

Lovebabz said...

The night before my divorce last week I cried. I mean the sick on the florr with snot cry. It went on and on for what seemed like an enternity.

When I walked into that court room the next morning I was radiant. STRONG. READY.

Crying is healing. It brings clarity and frees you in ways that are so simple.


MsKnowitAll said...

Amen Sister Lovebaz! Crying does bring clarity. And thank you for the hugs, I receive them!

Silverin said...

was about to post a blog on tears, search for a image then saw ur blog. Comforting to read ur blog, knowing that adults do cry too. sniffling. haha. well, wish ur life is much better than last yr~! GOD BLESS YOU =)

Lil MiZfiT said...

I had just blogged about finally crying after holding back for so long and I was looking for an image when I came across ur blog...just like Silverin did...

And I liked what I read.