As of late... as I've gotten older, I've become a wonder, even to myself, because no matter what the circumstance, I don't seem to cry.
I can remember crying a lot when I was younger. Whenever I was sad or extremely upset, tears would flow to regulate my mood.
And I also remember when I was younger that I was very ticklish. I mean very. Under my arms, my feet, my sides and even near my collar bone... I couldn't stand laughing involuntary and consequently, I learned to control the uncontrollable laughter and furthermore, you can touch me anywhere and I will definitely not laugh.
I can't pinpoint the moment in my life when I seemingly tired of the involuntary tears that would trickle from my eyes. Perhaps it was after a dreadful break up, or maybe it was after losing a loved one... Maybe because society at large confuses tears with weakness and I accepted that and dried up my own tear ducts. I can't say for sure.
Now I cried when we lost our grandmother. However it wasn't the cry that I am used to crying. I now find that a cry will get caught in my chest but I won't heave and stray tears may or may not fall.
The other day I was visiting Sister Kiaya and she was sharing her story about her recent tear drought. I, in turn, shared with her my bout... and honestly I wasn't very concerned about it until I read her story. I figured that I was strong, maybe toughened by my life experiences. Maybe my tears didn't fall so that I wouldn't be blinded, momentarily. Maybe I remained dry eyed so that I can get done what I've got to get done without interference.
After thinking it over, I started researching tears and how beneficial crying is... how crying releases toxins from the body, regulates stress hormones and how almost every function of the body is affected by the discharge of tears.
I still couldn't cry.
I thought about losing my grandmother without saying goodbye to her...
I still didn't cry.
I thought about... my 4 year relationship ending...
... being 33 and unmarried,
... being 33 and not having children of my own,
... meeting a love supreme and seeing it's ending,
... my unmet goals,
And I still did not cry.
But I went to church on Wednesday night. We've been having these Lenten services leading up to Easter Sunday. A Woman of God spoke about how "God's Plan Changed Everything" and something broke in me.
The layers I've carefully placed around myself to protect me from... others... and even my self began to shed and a tear fell. It felt sooo good.
But I wasn't done yet. I started listening to Kirk Franklin's "Without You" and on a public bus I let loose and the floodgates opened.
I thought about my boundless, bountiful, enormous blessings...
And the tears fell.
I thought about relationships ending, the beauty in relationships that exist...
And the tears poured down my face.
I thought about goals I haven't met and those that grace my walls..
And the tears fell.
I thought about my family, my parents and my beautiful friends...
And I smiled through my tears.
I wish I could say that was enough but it wasn't. Apparently I've been holding so much in for so long that when I reached home I threw on Marvin Sapp, Ricky Dillard and Fred Hammond. I cried through I started singing, I started dancing, I started clapping, people were laughing AND Like a ship... without a sail AND more than the air I need to breathe, I need more of you!
And I really cried. I heaved and held myself until my nose was stuffy, my eyes were bloodshot... until my head hurt and my lips swole up... I FELT SOOO GOOD! LOL
Til this moment, I can sit still or get busy... I can call a friend or read quietly... like last night when I watched Grey's Anatomy or while I sit now in front of this pc and tears surface the rims of my eyes and some fall.. some rack my body... but most of all, I am enjoying this season of purification. Truly there is a blessing in a good cry.