Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
As the holiday season and the ending of this year is upon us, I am feeling reflective. After my issues with Saki and being volatile for the past couple of days, today I took the morning off to handle some around the house business but also because I needed to slow my thinking down and clear out my mental space. Lately I've been exhausted, bloated, unmotivated and bored but through it all, I'm filled with so much joy and I know that though life is a cycle and there are some unmotivated moments, boring moments, tiring times yet we are still moving, growing, improving. This year so many changes have taken place in my life and especially in my personal maturation so today I post what I've learned...
I've learned that:
- Time is precious and the present moment is a gift
- Life is ALL about choices
- When you don't make choices in your life, you live by default
- Cherish those you treasure
- Anger is contagious
- Give your time and energy to people and things that are worthy
- “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character.Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.” -Frank Outlaw
- Repeat venting destroys the possible opportunity for healing
- Don't hold on to anger, hurt or pain. They steal your energy and distance you from love
- “Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.” -Lou Holtz
- Love is self-empowering
- When you first trust yourself, it's easy to trust others
What I've learned about myself...
I've learned that:
- When I trust in God, it really does make life easier
- I react first and think later
- I am a more loving woman when I'm in a stable relationship
- I am extremely and inexplicably sensitive
- I am interested in other people's lives (Some call it being nosy but wHaTeVeR!)
- I have a secret love affair with stationery of any kind
- I am temperamental
- I become bored very easily
- I appreciate quiet moments
- I cannot cook breakfast meals of any sort - Well I can cook them but I won't serve them to anyone but myself
- I am Queen Procrastinator
- I am hardly on time for anything except if I plan it and organize it days in advance
- I do not know it all - LOL
- I'm still learning about myself
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
I was waiting on the train at my station and some idiot is walking by. He's checking me and trying to get my attention but I'm ignoring him. So I'm looking down the tunnel to see if my train is arriving and this tard stands in my line of vision, so that I would have no choice but to look at him but after I squinted my eyes at him, he moved and he better had. I didn't have no other problem out of him.
As I get off at my stop, this older woman gets off before me. Instead of getting off and moving to the side before she digs deep into her pocketbook, she takes one step out of the train and stops RIGHT THERE as people are exiting the train. This is rush hour. I can't stress it enough. First off, I'm late for work, as usual, but this woman better be glad that I respect the elderly because I was right on her butt and ready to take her out but I stopped short and went around her. She wasn't really that old and I'm not saying that so that I won't be perceived as a threat to the elderly. Whatever her age, she should have been wise enough to steer clear of the masses exiting the train in the middle of rush hour.
And I finally...
Arrive into the office space and I have my don't mess with me face on that I have every morning. That's actually my natural face and I have to smile in order to not look mean. Now I'm still simmering from Saki's craziness yesterday, partly because I've been talking about it all night long and then her face is the first that I see. So I sit at my desk today and decide, you know what, I'm not playing this game. I'm playing the other game... First off, I'm posting on my desk the definition of harassment provided by the HR department, including the phone number and the next time she says something out of the way, I'm calling to ask some questions like...
Should I be alarmed:
- When a co-worker tells me that I will probably have children out of wedlock instead of following tradition and getting married first?
- When a co-worker tells me that I was a bad student and a devilish child?
- When a co-worker tells me that I speak and write very well for most Black people?
- When a co-worker asks me why am I always mad?
- When a co-worker tells me that most Black people like to buy brand names items with the logo/name all over it?
Or when she does non-verbal things like:
- Wiping her desk down with alcohol after I leave her area after she asked me to come over and help her with something.
Yeah I'm getting quite sick of her, moment by moment, and I think she truly needs a wake up call or some fire under her butt because her ways and comments are hurtful and just not cool.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Part 1 of Saki's offense today was telling me that I was raised by a single mother. We've worked together for 6 years and while we're not best friends, we are fairly close. I have never told her that I was raised by a single mother. My parents are very much married and have been for the past 31 years. And today was not the first time she made this comment, but it was the first time in about 3 years that I got rigid with her behind.
Part 2 of her offense was telling me that most single mothers are on public assistance. Now I know that she really meant to say that most women of color who are single mothers are on public assistance since that's what she thinks because she buys into a lot of stereotypes. A few weeks ago she tells me that an old co-worker who went out on maternity leave and didn't come back was "fortunate to be on welfare and didn't have to work". I've remained cool with this co-worker who has relocated to Florida and is working as an ESL teacher.
Saki: How was your Thanksgiving? Did your mom cook?
Me: My Thanksgiving was very nice. My mom didn't cook this year because she worked.
Saki: Your mom still works at the museum?
Me: Yes but she worked at her other job on Thanksgiving.
Saki: Your mother sure works a lot of job, you know I'm surprise your mom was a single mom and she work because most single moms doooo...... (The grammatical errors are on purpose and nope she didn't get to finish this comment).
Me: (Imagine the Black girl base in the voice & my supervisor slowly walking past my cubicle) You know what Saki, this is the 2nd time you made a sly comment about my mother and the 1st time I politely told you that my mother is married to my father but if you don't know something, which happens a lot of the time, you need to ask first because making these fly comments will get your feelings hurt.
I could have continued but all I really wanted to do was whap her straight in the face. Saki makes comments like these all the time and no amount of me getting loud with her is going to stop her, not unless I just reach out and slap her ass or travel my butt down to personnel like she threatened to do one time when I got a little stern with her.
A co-worker tells me the other day, "you know Saki really likes you, she just doesn't think before she speaks". Ummm, you know what? That's exactly why I don't like her! I could care less if she likes me! I just really want her to shut the hell up. In the past she's told me that she saw a picture of me and she thought it was a monkey. She told me that I must brush my teeth with cocaine because they are so white. So told my co-worker with natural hair that in her country they say that her hair is "broccoli hair" and so many other comments that for some reason I cannot remember at this moment.
And you would think that this would stop her from coming to my desk today but nooooo, that skuz came back when my supervisor left and she took one of my potato chips from the bag on my desk.
Saki: You are going to get high blood pressure from these potato chips.
(By the way, they were low salt potato chips)
Me: SAKI, IT'S AFTER 4:00 WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO THE HELL HOME ALREADY!!!!!
So here I sit, Saki free because that heifer took my advice and went home and I don't have to call on my mama, my baby, or my friends for bail money. I am a little worked up with the right leg bouncing but I'm chillin' with some Amel Larrieux and my spicy but low salt potato chips waiting for clock out time.
Monday, November 26, 2007
While I am not picture perfect, I accept the way I look, in fact I love it. I highly regard fashion magazines and all that jazz but I enjoy it as it is, an artist's work. My own complexion is not even. I wear the fading marks of hormonal and infrequent break-outs on my cheeks and I have what I refer to as West Indian darkness (the inheritance of my Antiguan father), otherwise known as under-eye circles. I admire those with smooth skin but that's not what I have and though Ambi products & I are tighter than Jordash, I can't see myself reaching for cover-up. And as for eye make-up, I rub my eyes too much and that's all I need to do is ruin my own work or spend my day trying not to ruin my "face". I'm telling you, mascara is a hot mess when you already have the W.I. darkness and you've mistakenly added to it. I opt to apply a little sheer lip gloss and roll out.
A friend of mine recently took a picture of me and while I do enjoy his artistry, I instantly looked at the photo and knew he had touched me up. After cursing him out, venting, ranting off and on for hours and accusing him of being a "photoshop junkie", I sat down and realized that I loved the retouched picture. It was perfect but when I look at myself in the mirror, I do not see the person in that picture and briefly I felt bad about my uneven complexion and my under-eye circles that suddenly made me look extremely racoonish. He showed me the untouched photo and I love both of them and felt bad for the way I spoke to him. He changed the photo to the original and I told him that the first photo was fine but I see he hasn't made the changes to his Flickr page yet but I'll consider that laziness and not a shrug at me for the mistreatment he received.
Another friend of mine and blogmate Miss-Stress posted "What is Beauty Anyway? (I think that's the title but I'm not sure and I won't check it today because the title isn't relevant, the content is). In her post she spoke about make-up and body types and hair textures and it really is a good post, I agree with her completely. So I apologize to you FP for my loose lips. You love me and forgive me, I know you do sucka! but as I let you know before I stormed away from you today is that I appreciate my natural self: blemishes, "roller coaster curves" and all. The pic you created doesn't change the way I feel about me and I had to remind myself of that today.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
So today, while it is not a work day, but a family gathering, sitting around the TV, congregating in the kitchen, stuffing your belly kind of day, I pause to post a generous Thank You.
I am thankful for:
- Seeing another holiday, especially Thanksgiving.
- Having my parents & my family.
- My dear friends & close associates.
- My honey who I am spending the day with. This is our 3rd Thanksgiving Day together!
- My mom for making me pancakes this morning, I doubt I'll be eating anything heavy for the rest of the day.
- For honey's family & friends who always invite us for dinner.
- For my landlord - he is sending up the heat today - feels hotter than August.
- For those of you who read my blog, I'm appreciative of your readage!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Now my friends who happen to read this are probably thinking... ummm K., yeah, ummm everyone knows you love to read so how is it you just realize this? I actually love and support libraries, first and foremost because I'm part of the general public and I know how much libraries support the community, secondly, because I'm a librarian!!!!, lastly and sometimes more importantly, because the books are free. I try to get the newer looking books and although I'm a germaphobe, I have this belief that books are germ resistant.
I'm actually looking over titles, up and down, in the aisles and my heart is thumping in my chest. My eyes are frantically surveying and my arms are full of books I've selected and I stop myself because I feel like I do when I haven't had large amounts of sugar in about 4 days but on that 5th day, I decide to eat a chocolate bar or when I've deprived myself of bread and decide after being good to have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich - I feel a rush and it feels goooooood. LOL
I decide to buy You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay and Transforming Anger: The HeartMath Solution for Letting Go of Rage, Frustration, and Irritation by Doc Childre, Deborah Rozman, and Matthew McKay, along with my mom's gift. If you get a chance, look them up in Amazon.
I headed the check out area satisfied, with my book addiction momentarily satiated. That is until this coming Friday when I head to Barnes & Noble for my next fix.
Friday, November 16, 2007
But I am so glad that Friday is here and there is no one or nothing that I have to rush home to. I actually would love to see my baby, but a whole entire borough and some water separates us. I feel that we are in a long distance relationship but we have our challenges that keep us apart.
Even so I'm looking forward to...
the bath I'm planning to take today with candles around the tub, incense burning, reading "Wild Stars Seeking Midnight Suns", listening to Sade "Lover's Rock"
the heat i'm expecting to be pumping tonight
sleeping spread eagled, SOLO!
spending the day with Mom tomorrow to celebrate her 36th birthday-LOL (she would kill me if she knew I posted that)
spending the day cuddled with the hun this coming Sunday
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
My first boyfriend, LG, (if you know what I mean) bought me my first pair of Door Knocker earrings back in ‘89. These were my Christmas gift. I went to Washington Irving High School in Manhattan and there were students from all 5 boros but I was known by my friends as a “big girl”, not just because of the width of my hips but because of my big earrings and my big ole Brooklyn boyfriend. The kids from the Bronx have such a different style than the people from Brooklyn, in fact kids from each borough dressed differently. The dooky door knocker earrings were much more of a Brooklyn/Queens trend, but the Bronx girls did wear them.
My first taste of sushi was back in ’90 with this guy, KH, from Staten Island. Sushi totally freaked me out then but I eventually acquired a taste for Japanese cuisine in my 20s.
My first commitment bracelet came from this joker, VJ, from Queens, back in ‘91. We were only together for about 3 months but I should have known from the beat up bracelet that this was a “serial gift”. The bracelet kept getting caught up in my sweaters and snagging them. I ended the saga and traded the bracelet in for an anklet that I still have and wear in the summer months.
My first commitment ring came from this dude, AJ, from Harlem, back in ‘96. AJ has a special place in my heart, even now, and he was the first guy I ever really considered marrying and this was also my first major heartbreak. I’m glad marriage was only a consideration although his family really wanted us to tie the knot. We were very young and though we were together for a few years, he married another woman just about a year after our break-up and that was drama-drama. He is now on his 2nd marriage….
Friday, November 9, 2007
I'm mostly tired because I stayed up late last night on a phone call that I didn't want to have. I was on the phone with the hun and we talked about our respective days, how we were looking forward to a restful weekend with each other, and our future...
Now I love my partner, we're great together, I see a future for us but I like being focused on the right now and right now is a little slow, routine, mundane. We're both to blame for the standstill. I know that I don't communicate my feelings and my wishes a lot, mostly because I find myself defending why it is I like the things I like and want to do the things I like to do. For instance I like to spend a lot of time alone. I think it has to do with years of being single and by being alone I'm not as attached. Although I think "me time" is healthy, perhaps I take it too much.
My baby wants me to move in.
Recently my girlfriend had a terrible experience of living with her significant other with no contract (marriage), no security and her name was not on the lease. She's now on someone's couch and her belongings are all over the 5 boros in people's homes. Needless to say, I'm apprehensive.
We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't see why we need to rush. We're beyond the dating phase and we've settled comfortably into togetherness but there is still a lot of we have to learn about each other. I've co-habitated before and the last thing I want to do is return back home to Mom because I made a bad decision again. So I want to be positive and secure before I make that type of move. I would actually like to be married, but that makes me breathe heavy and feel anxious inside so I know I'm not ready for that either.
What makes things come together for me is that I was walking today on my lunch hour and I bumped into a guy I knew a few years back. We were cool, went on 1 date but we lost track of each other. I was in grad school then and busy, busy, busy. But I saw him looking delicious, even in the rain and we stood, talked, exchanged numbers and I was thinking... "Am I ready to fully commit?" Heck nah! I'm so afraid.
I choose to not live with my honey because I'm flexible, I'm free. I could disappear when I want to, no questions asked. I lay up and I'm sloppy and I have no one to complain about me. I have space, a lot of it, and I know to move in would mean me getting rid of a lot of my stuff and I'm not ready to part with them. I'm just not ready. I don't see the rush and I don't feel the ticking countdown on when it's appropriate to live with someone. Who cares if it's going on 3 years or 30 years.... Wow, that was a good vent.
I don't have the slightest feelings for the delicious man I saw in the rain today and I love my baby strong but I'm more interested in doing couple things like vacationing than settling down into the non-marital monotony. I like not seeing honey's face a for a couple of days and relishing in the moment we are together again. I never had the little girl fantasies of being married and having children, although I will admit that I'm a better and balanced person when I'm committed than when I'm a bitch-on-wheels single woman.
I look forward to this long weekend and just being...
Thursday, November 8, 2007
With the co-workers clearing from the office, I figured now would be a good time to post. I like this quiet time. Today it's just me, Carl Thomas and my PC. Although I usually post my grateful list, today I want to be comforted. Since music is my fix, I'm going to post my favorite comfort lyrics.
Carl Thomas - "All You've Given" "She gives me love, like the warm sunshine, hanging over my shoulder, And she makes me smile, everytime I'm looking in her face, And everytime she leaves my world's, just a little bit colder, So baby with all that you've given to me, I'm making sure you're happy..."
Faith Evans - "Until You Came" "Love was just a four letter word, Misused to entrust the heart of followers, But it never meant a damn thing to me, Until you came so unexpectedly, Then you curved my whole attitude, Got me feelin' ways that I never thought I could, See really what I'm tryin' to say is I like what I'm feelin', And I hope you never take it away..."
Sade - "Lover's Rock" "I am in the wilderness,You are in the music, In the man's car next to me, Somewhere in my sadness, I know I won't fall apart completely, When I need to be rescued, And I need a place to swim, I have a rock to cling to in the storm, When no one can hear me calling, I have you I can sing to, And in all this, And in all my life, You are the lovers rock, The rock that I cling to, You're the one, The one I swim to in a storm, Like a lovers rock..."
Maxwell - "For Lover's Only" "This ain't for the ones, That just love for fun, That just love and run, that just hold the gun, This is for Those that bleed, That want but have no need, This ain't for the war, this is only, For Lovers only, lovers only, Strictly for the lovers only, Who are lost and lonely, Ever since the way you looked at me, love is not a want love is now a need, This is if you want to hold me, Or for lovers only..."
Jill Scott - "Not Like Crazy" ""When we first met, I was surprised to get, That feeling, That feeling, The kind that don't wash away with soap, So sweet to me, Oohh, The kind of feeling I need, To get me through the darkest days, For you I prayed
[Chorus]What you do is crazy babe, Not like you belong in an asylum, Crazy babe, Like the sun in the morning, And the moon at night, Like the rain falling from the sky, Like the trees growing from the ground, I'm astounded babe, By your love for me, And your touching me, And your trust in me, Like you do whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo whoo"
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
I'm so glad that yesterday I had the time and the energy to look at my life critically and figure out how to get my bearings back. It's a bad feeling when almost everything feels out of control.
The case that brought it back to me was with my dry cleaning. I was going to a dry cleaners where the people spoke conversational english - you know, "Hi, when will you pick up?, write your name, bye". I liked them because they were a new business, seemed to be more organized than my regular guy and everything was good until they lost a pair of my slacks. I didn't even realize it until about a month later. They weren't my favorite pair or my old reliable pair so I sorta forgot about them until I was deciding on what to wear one day, had those pants in mind and couldn't find them. I decided not to fight the dry cleaners, I just wouldn't let that happen to me again. So yesterday I see my old guy, Ralphy, and he says, "Hija (that's daughter in Spanish), I've been missing you, good to see you and have a happy holidays".
That's when it hit me that I got off track when I started going for the new, chasing the bling, not using my discernment with people, places, my time... when I thought my monotony needed some stirring and I started to rely upon myself to make things happen, which is not always so wise. And this applies to much more than where to put my dry cleaning but also to the people I hang with, the foods that I'm eating, procrastinating, getting to work, and everywhere else for that matter, on time, the amount of money I'm spending.... The list could go on and on but last night, while spending some alone time and getting mad with myself that I just don't seem to have it together, I decided to go back to my center.
Going back to reading my prayer book every morning
Going back to journaling and reading for enjoyment
Going back to being prepared and not thinking so much that I actually lose my focus
Going back to being grateful for what I have already been blessed with
Going back to my center, going back to taking care of me
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I'm fortunate enough to be boss-less today. My boss and my boss's boss are out. YES! So I can sit at my desk and do nothing, read my favorite blogs and post, email and play catch up with my buddies, read the gossip sites...
But I find myself not in the mood when my co-workers want to go to lunch. I work in a large establishment and I have friends all over the building, some work in my division, some do not but the co-workers who sit nearest to me... let me keep this light... I don't want to lunch with them.
Now I would probably go with them if they wanted to eat somewhere local but that's not the case. I have a co-worker who loves Chinatown. Chinatown is about 30 minutes away... the walk to the train, waiting on the train, the train ride and then walking to the restaurant, eating at the restaurant, coming back to work, that's about 2 hours!!! I don't mind taking a 2 hour lunch but let that 2 hours be sit down time, shooting the breeze, 3 course meal eating, not running back to work or worse, taking the public transportation during my lunch break. It's bad enough I'll be on that bad boy going home.
Needless to say I was glad that they were gone for the 2 hours and 15 minutes (Yes I counted right to the time they came back). I had time to just be and breathe.....
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Today I am so thankful for:
having a relationship with God
being in a stable, committed relationship
living very close to my semi-retired mom who makes things so much easier
a seat on the local train this morning
my funny co-workers
Walter Mosley's new book Blonde Faith
the cable shows Weeds & Californication
tonight's TV shows Ugly Betty & Grey's Anatomy
black kitten heel boots
for my honey buying me this cute jacket from Old Navy that I wore today
being safe living through another Halloween in the hood
sugar free chai latte
lean cuisines and smart ones
And there's so much more but that'll be all I post for today...