Friday, November 9, 2007


I couldn't be happier to see the weekend approaching, along with an extra day off this coming Monday but today I am so tired. I love my co-workers but as they leave outta here, I'm happy to see each of them go.
I'm mostly tired because I stayed up late last night on a phone call that I didn't want to have. I was on the phone with the hun and we talked about our respective days, how we were looking forward to a restful weekend with each other, and our future...
Now I love my partner, we're great together, I see a future for us but I like being focused on the right now and right now is a little slow, routine, mundane. We're both to blame for the standstill. I know that I don't communicate my feelings and my wishes a lot, mostly because I find myself defending why it is I like the things I like and want to do the things I like to do. For instance I like to spend a lot of time alone. I think it has to do with years of being single and by being alone I'm not as attached. Although I think "me time" is healthy, perhaps I take it too much.

My baby wants me to move in.

Recently my girlfriend had a terrible experience of living with her significant other with no contract (marriage), no security and her name was not on the lease. She's now on someone's couch and her belongings are all over the 5 boros in people's homes. Needless to say, I'm apprehensive.
We've been together for almost 3 years and I don't see why we need to rush. We're beyond the dating phase and we've settled comfortably into togetherness but there is still a lot of we have to learn about each other. I've co-habitated before and the last thing I want to do is return back home to Mom because I made a bad decision again. So I want to be positive and secure before I make that type of move. I would actually like to be married, but that makes me breathe heavy and feel anxious inside so I know I'm not ready for that either.
What makes things come together for me is that I was walking today on my lunch hour and I bumped into a guy I knew a few years back. We were cool, went on 1 date but we lost track of each other. I was in grad school then and busy, busy, busy. But I saw him looking delicious, even in the rain and we stood, talked, exchanged numbers and I was thinking... "Am I ready to fully commit?" Heck nah! I'm so afraid.
I choose to not live with my honey because I'm flexible, I'm free. I could disappear when I want to, no questions asked. I lay up and I'm sloppy and I have no one to complain about me. I have space, a lot of it, and I know to move in would mean me getting rid of a lot of my stuff and I'm not ready to part with them. I'm just not ready. I don't see the rush and I don't feel the ticking countdown on when it's appropriate to live with someone. Who cares if it's going on 3 years or 30 years.... Wow, that was a good vent.
I don't have the slightest feelings for the delicious man I saw in the rain today and I love my baby strong but I'm more interested in doing couple things like vacationing than settling down into the non-marital monotony. I like not seeing honey's face a for a couple of days and relishing in the moment we are together again. I never had the little girl fantasies of being married and having children, although I will admit that I'm a better and balanced person when I'm committed than when I'm a bitch-on-wheels single woman.
I look forward to this long weekend and just being...

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