Year-end countdown... Thriving on Drama

While sitting at home, not too long ago, on a Saturday night... I finally watched "He's Just Not That Into You".

Not a bad film...

While I had (in my youthful past) and still fall into moments of sounding and even acting like the character Gigi, there was one part of the movie that struck a cord...

There is a part in the movie when Alex and Gigi were in the bar and he tells her that women thrive on drama and how we wait "until the last minute on deadlines, or on phone bills, because you love the drama of not knowing whether you'll make it" I simply shook my head and raised my eyebrows. It may or may not be a true statement but it is true for me.

When I reflect on my 2009 and every situation I encountered, the good and the bad, I can't help but ponder the choices I made and how they relate to my circumstances.

I tell myself I don't like drama. I pride myself on not being a drama queen but some of the choices I make create drama in my life such as not saving enough money, spending frivolously, not opening bills, ignoring collection calls, eating too much of the wrong foods, not exercising, procrastinating... there is no wonder why I'm dealing with hardships. I helped to create them!

I am amazed sometimes at how the universe forces you to deal with your problems... every valley that I fell in caused me to be still... you can't go out, eat out or spend frivolously with no money! I was forced to look within and see what was keeping me from taking care of my personal matters and then I was able to take inventory of my life, pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.

I had a rough year but I survived a health scare, losing money, losing friends and lay-offs on the job. I also had some good times... I reactivated my facebook account, reconnected with old friends, explored and enjoyed my freedom, vacationed, relaxed and reignited a high school flame.
In 2009 I thrived on drama and I teetered on whether or not I was gonna make it but... I made it. There's nothing like a little drama to make you seek and strive for balance and most of all I am grateful for my hardships. Without them I wouldn't have grown, I wouldn't feel my strength and I wouldn't be at peace.

Year-end countdown... losing friends

It's the last 3 days to 2010... and while I will be ever so glad to turn the page on this year, I can't help but reflect on what a year it's been.

I've had some lows... It's been a good long while since I've been hit so hard but I've learned that I can take a hit. One of the hits I've taken is the loss of one of my dearest friendships.

Most of my friendships span over decades and I have some that are new... me and this particular friend have known each other since middle school. Through falling in love, heartbreaks, achievements, sickness, health and life changes, we've been there. I can be naive at times though I count it as one of my qualities. I never foresaw this type of break-up. I know quite a few people.... I call some people associates but I call very few "friend".

The close and tight-knittedness that friends have as youth is hard to maintain as adults. We're not together all day as we were in school, our summers aren't spent chillin' and the freedom we had is now hard to reclaim with responsibilities and interests yet some friendships stand the test of time. This one did not and it didn't feel like shedding old skin when it broke, it felt as if I was cut with a knife.

I got the cut through a facebook message... Really? Over 20 years of friendship and I find out by opening up my facebook account? I suppose telephones no longer work... Hell, we live 20 minutes away from each other, a visit wouldn't do? There's a disconnect somewhere when facebook becomes the mode of communication for 2 people who were friends back when their mothers sanctioned their telephone use.

"Friends are forever"... that's how the saying goes... but in my life I've learned that sometimes it's our friends who hurt us the most... Keeping me as a friend was much too toxic. Apparently I wasn't the friend she needed me to be when she needed it. My choices, my thoughts and my ways no longer coincided with hers and it hurt more to keep me within her circle that cutting me out was the best option.

Truthfully speaking... I've cut ALL of my friends off a time or two in my life. I was unhappy by something they said or did and I took a vow to be friendless before I would put up with them and their messes... so while it hurts that our friendship is over, I accept her choice.

Everything happens for a reason. While some friendships are meant to last for a lifetime sometimes we don't realize that some are only meant to last for very long seasons.

Random Words I Type...

I been gone for a minute...

* I have been away on vacation and a much needed vacation it was. It was a pleasure and then a pain to go away with my best friend and I realized that after 3 days, I get homicidal... with her. But overall, we had the best girls week - everything I predicted it would be.

* We went to the Poconos, I have a time share there and somehow my homie thought it was supposed to be Jamaica, peak season. Why is it so cold? OHMYGOSH it's snowing? The thing is, she's been begging me to go to the Poconos for 3 years. I finally book my week and she complained the whole time. The highlight of my week was seeing her slide on ice. Priceless.

* An ex is an ex for a reason... It's a year since my break-up and I realized simply - I do not like my ex. I watched Michelle Obama, last night, talk about her man and she said after all of the years, she still likes him (I'm paraphrasing here) and I absolutely get her. I nearly broke my neck nodding my head at the TV. So I realized before going away, that I'm happy to be free of my last serious relationship. I wish my ex the best and if we never have to talk, unfortunately we do, I would be overjoyed. Until we've settled all financial matters... :( :( :(

* I take YOU with me... while in the Poconos I thought of TrueUrbanQueen... she lives in PA and while in the cold and snow, I thought of her living the city life with the woods behind her... I thought of TheQuietStorm... while it was a thunderstorm, there was snow and The Perfect Murder was on TV while we were up there... and then I didn't have WiFi... I didn't even have reception so I couldn't do any blog reading nor writing while I was up there. I missed YOU!

* It's been 5 years since we said yes to the timeshare saleswoman... We can't even take our week together, we split the time. And so.... I'm ready to sell!

* I love December... it's like spring time because it's my purging season. I'm cleaning house and I'm kicking old habits, bad attitudes and funky people to the curb. You know who you are... don't feel bad but do take it personal...

* I am entertaining an older gentleman these days... we're just friends... me and his oldest are the same age... Mmm Hmm... and he's a Cat Daddy. ALL. THE. WAY.

Thankful...

I am not one to observe this historical/controversial holiday... however the energies that surround this season are of THANKS and for that I will always participate.

For surviving and living from one year to the next... I am thankful.
For visiting with and connecting with family... I am thankful.
For food, clothing, shelter... I am thankful.
Many may argue with me about this - but for my sanity... I am thankful.
For my friends... I am thankful.


So I wish you all a happy and wonderful season of THANKS!

False Fillers

The other day I was in the 99 cents store . The same aisle that has the stationery items (I love stationery) also has the junk food items. So I decided to purchase a bag of chips. Now I could have exercised self-control and bought nothing but I settled on a bag of crunchy cheese doodles. That is after I put back the bag of puffed cheese doodles because there are less puffy doodles in the same sized bag than in the crunchy and I gotta get the bang for my buck!

So then I started thinking about other areas in my life when I settle for the puffiness over the content... like settling for a vanilla coke when I know I need to drink water, eating a dark chocolate Hershey bar instead of biting into the apple I brought from home, buying clothes from the cheap stores when I can save my money and spend it on items that will last me longer than one season or settling for relationships that leave me lost, insecure and empty.

False Fillers... those things that fill you up for the moment but leave you wanting... False fillers make you think you've got more than you really do... making you think that the empty voids are full... false fillers will leave you always craving more, never satiated, never content. You know... a lot of the foods we eat contain fillers. They bulk up the food. However, most fillers have little to no nutritional value...

I'm gonna be honest here... this here job I'm in... it's a false filler. It is a break off from the initial position I applied for 2 years before and didn't get. It wasn't the title nor the money that I longed for. And I can count how many days I've been happy or content... so I know it's time for me to move on...

This past weekend, I had some "me" time and when I woke up on Saturday morning I felt suffocated by the things surrounding me. Books, clothes, papers... things... and I knew it was time to clear out. So along with my belongings that simply filled up my space, I decided it was time to purge my closets and my dresser drawers... how many different black sweaters can I put on at one time? And how many do I need to look beautiful or feel sexy?

And purging always makes me feel good... the act of the and result after. So now my home is open, airy and spacious... and my life...

Well I no longer indulge in alcohol... a glass of wine here or there... but I don't drown my sorrows... I eat more whole & healthier foods... I read books with content... I watch TV shows that are entertaining and they feed my mind... I buy items that are worth their value and my relationships - my friendships and my courtships - bring me pleasure and satisfaction. I no longer desire the fluff and now that I've tasted the real deal, false fillers are recognizable and avoidable...

Happy Eating!!!

Eating is one of my favorite past times. I love bowling and the movies, museums and poetry spots but it's a grand time when a cool restaurant is also part of the itinerary.

I love good food... everyone does. Some of us eat more than others and that's evident by our varied sizes. But I experience something euphoric when I eat... I always bless my food and especially when I prepare my own meal, it is a spiritual event.

I don't eat meat. Ok, let me say that from time to time I will have fish. While no one believes me at first sight because I'm undoubtedly slim and trim, LOL, it is true... I prefer veggies and carbohydrates over meat. I always did, which is what made my transition to pescaterian easy.

Other than meat, there is no food that I will restrict myself to or from. I love eating foods from different cuisines. Indian food is my fave. Chinese food of course! There's a Chinese restaurant on every other corner... Mediterranean, Ethiopian... whatever it may be, I am open.

Eating is an intimate act. From the blessing of the food, to the opening of the mouth or the blowing on the food, the chewing, digesting and my personal touch spilling the food or sauce on my clothing... it's intimate! So while I am careful of what I eat, I am also careful about who I eat with. There is something that's part of a meal that makes it even more enjoyable... Good company.

One time I went out with a couple of co-workers for lunch. We went to a local pizza place and I ordered 2 delicious slices. Unfortunately one of my annoying co-workers blabbered and made racially insensitive comments the entire time. I do not argue or get angry over food so I ate in silence and I cannot tell you what I ate to this day. But I will tell you this, I will never eat with or near her again.

My grandfather used to say, "Watch who you eat with because unpleasant company will leave you with indigestion"... or in my case a bad memory and a grudge. And it's true that good food is always better with good company. With good company I can be paranoid about how clean my utensils are and ask for straws with every glass of whatever I order. Lemon on the side please... With good company I can request salad dressing separately and mayonnaise for my french fries. Good company doesn't question me when I order a simple salad because the menu is full of meaty meals or suggest that I pluck the meat out... I tried that :-(... unfortunately. I can accept when my company says K, K... and I know that that means to look for and wipe up the spillage on my shirt. But what makes me happy is knowing I can relax and enjoy every morsel of my meal so that at its conclusion, I am content, not needing or wanting more...

Rising Above

Four years ago, I went on a women's retreat with my church and one of the exercises that we took part in entailed us sharing an experience or a story with another woman and at the end of our sharing, giving... entrusting our heart to that woman. The cut out heart had our names on it and 4 years later, I still have Renee's heart.

Renee is almost 20 years older than me. I don't have too many friends in their 50s and if it were not for the church and this spiritual exercise we probably would not have even crossed paths. We have nothing much in common, except our church affiliation. Actually, if I tell the truth, Renee is someone I would have avoided at all costs and shunned if she bothered me.

For years Renee abused drugs. On Sunday mornings I would see her shuffling through the streets surrounding the church. She looked terrible. She had no concerns for herself or her family. She is now far removed from where she's been.

I have a cousin who abused drugs for years who just last week graduated from his sobriety program. Me and my mother attended. He was dressed to the 9s in a brand new suit, fresh hair cut and new suede shoes. Sharp! He even spoke at his graduation. He spoke of how he ruined his life, how God saved him and how proud his mother would be if she could see him now. I proudly sat there with tears in my eyes thinking of my aunt and how she prayed for years while he was incarcerated or while her furniture, food and money was stolen. My aunt attended Abyssinian Baptist Church back when Adam Clayton Powell was pastor and those Harlem church ladies wore some big ole hats. My aunt had so many... hat boxes on top of hat boxes and each and every one of them... gone. But now my cousin no longer steals but blesses back. When he brought my ticket to me, there was a $100 bill along with it. I know he deeply regrets what he did while abusing drugs and this was his attempt to give back.

I sit and wonder sometime about my church involvement. Am I going through the motions or does this "thing" really have an effect on me? Am I maturing spiritually or am I the same ole woman with the same ole issues? The fact that Renee is more than someone I share the pew with but a sister whose heart I hold, means that I have grown.

This coming Friday Renee has paid for my ticket and I am attending a "Clean and Sober" party with her. Last week, Thursday, me, my cousin and my mama tore the dance floor up at his graduation. I am so very proud of these two people... my family. They are stronger, wiser, better individuals and I'm so glad that I am able to see their turnaround.

We didn't all walk into the church holy and righteous. We all have our vices, some are just more noticeable than others. I know a lot of people are haughty and arrogant about their churches and their spirituality but it's more than dressy suits, shoes and hats. It's more than speaking correctly and sitting upright, pristine. And what kind of place would the church be if nobody had an past life or any tests in order to have a testimony? Even those who don't attend a church... we can miss out on great people and wonderful experiences but shunning those who lives don't mimic our own.