Friday, December 28, 2007

A New Me

Aisha Elderwyn
"Every new year people make resolutions to change aspects of themselves they believe are negative. A majority of people revert back to how they were before and feel like failures. This year I challenge you to a new resolution. I challenge you to just be yourself."

I struggle with this last post of 2007 and I struggle with my New Year's resolution. I still make year end/year beginning resolutions even though I resolve to do things differently in my life almost everyday but it's something about the end of the year. I reflect upon the months that have passed and can only wish for better things ahead. For instance, by the time I remove my winter coats in the Spring of '08, it is my plan to have shed around 20 pounds, hopefully more than that. But just in case, I remove my coat and I put on lighter weight jackets and I haven't lost the poundage as I anticipated, I still want to be all right, feel fabulous and exude confidence.

The quote above appealed to me mostly because I've tried ridding myself of bad spending habits, negative people, unhealthy eating, clearing out my physical spaces and usually by March of the new year, everything I'd hoped to put into practice, is not. Some things have become part of my routine. But this year is different for me. I love me and I just want to be a better me.

By challenging myself to be myself, I want to:

Mean what I say and say what I mean
If I say I'm trying to save money so that I can move from the hood, then I can't do a whole lot of overspending and if I really mean to fit into that smaller size, then I have to dust off the stationary bike and ride.

Be assertive and speak up for myself
This is an issue for me because I'm the baby of my family and during my younger years I was taught to be seen but not heard from my older siblings. Now that I'm older, I still fall into my role as the youngest and fall silent when my older siblings are around. However this creates distress for me because I have so much to say and darn it I want to, strike that, I need to be heard!

Acting Out
Action is thinking and speaking in motion. This upcoming year I want to do things I have not done before. I want to take the vacation that I yearn for. And I want to set limits for other people in my life. I can run myself ragged doing everything for everyone else but I need to carve out some personal time just for me.

Clearing Out
I've yet to clear my closet of all of my cheap shoes that hurt my feet but I also want to clear out those areas of my life where I doubt myself, I self-criticize, and self-deprive. I deserve the best, the best shoes, the best foods and my own time and attention.

Fortunately I love all of the people in my life, or now would be the time that you'd be fired-lol. But really, I am surrounded by friends who give of themselves and I can only hope that I offer my best to each and every one of them. And by friends I mean the ones I see and my blogmates. A list wouldn't be a list if I didn't shout y'all out...

The Immediate Fam
Mommy - As I've grown, she has accepted and loved me and still mothers me. I appreciate everything about her.
MB (My Mate) - You made a promise to me in the beginning of our relationship and through years, the ups and the downs, you've kept your word. I love you, I am devoted to you and as we embark on our third year and approaching anniversary (January 1st), you still amaze me. May we continue to get betterer and betterer.
DC - We may not talk everyday but when we do it's always on time and I love ya!
Boom - You're my oldest friend. All we seem to do lately is email and text but that's okay because I so appreciate you.
CLily - My voice of reason and my constant email friend.
CeCe - You started as my cyber sis but since you like to travel from Cali to NY, we've become actual friends too.

The Co-Workers
Miss-Stress - If I didn't have you to be vulnerable around, I would probably sit at my desk and just cry and that would be stress because I can only tear from one eye-lol. You know me better than most because I can't seem to keep my mouth shut around you but you do and I love you for it because if you told my business, I'd beat you down.
JT - When you visit, you always bring compliments and jokes. You know I love to laugh and so do you. You're the best!
Ms. Liryc - "You're like a cool breeze, on a summer's day" - I know you know where those lyrics come from - lol. You're cool peoples and I luv ya!
FP - You're my friend, my coulda been husband if we met a lifetime ago, you insult me, harass me and just plain get on my nerves with your testosterone driven self!
Virgo - There are no words to describe you - oh wait! - you're complicated and simple at the same time, elusive and observant. Most of all, we are two people who truly sow the seeds of friendship.

The Bloggers
Don - Minus the Bars
Skinny Black Girl
Honey Libra
Opinionated Diva
Queen of My Castle

Peace, blessings to each of you, be safe, enjoy the celebrations and may each of you "live each day with zest, daily grow and try to be your highest and your best". HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

Friday, December 21, 2007

Loving the Bad Guys

I just finished watching "Four Brothers" for about the 19th time. I love this movie mainly because I have a private love affair with Andre Benjamin and a budding romance with Tyrese Gibson but tonight, oh tonight, I sat staring at the screen at Chiwetel Ejiofor who played hustler Victor Sweet.

I'm enthralled during the scene when Victor's peoples are eating in the restaurant, the big old dark-skinneded dude, Evan, is sitting in Victor's chair and Victor walks over like some fat cat and goes on his spiel about hiring in-town killers vs. out of town killers and that big dude picks up his fork and eats from his plate - stoopid. Victor catches the dude and orders him to eat his food off of the floor and when Evan's woman protests, he orders the both of them to eat. OH! In a low guttural voice he says: "Lap that ish up good."

And also when the councilman comes to his home and Victor orders him to sit at the children's table, how humiliating. Then he tells one of his workers that he's send him on some out of town work so he can teach his woman some tricks, oh the shame.

Now I sit on my couch, slouched down low, biting my bottom lip. Chiwetel usually plays the corny dude. I've seen him in American Gangster with Denzel Washington and Talk to Me with Don Cheadle but in Four Brothers his character is charming, sexy even, like Nino Brown in New Jack City, like Alonzo Harris in Training Day, Tony Montana in Scarface. Even though these men are so, so bad - they are arrogant, killers, thieves, disrespectful to women, we love these movie bad guys anyway.

But that's exactly why these characters appeal to us and win us over. They exude extreme confidence and complete disregard for societal constraints. What woman does not want a take charge man? What man doesn't want these same qualities himself?

And as sexy as these characters are, when we imagine having that type of man in our lives, we always say the same thing, "he's not going to disrespect me"... and that's because we think we've got the power and know-how to change his evil ways. Women love nice guys, the ones who treat us with respect and actually want relationships but at times they pale in comparison.

I've had my share of bad guys and I can't say that I miss them much but I do occasionally sit and sigh at the memories. One such memory is from high school. I was dating this really nice guy, Sherwyn is his name and he was as in love with me as high school boys can be. He brought me stuffed animals and designer clothes - he had a part-time job. He picked me up and walked me to all of my classes, just so sweet. But my heart laid with this Queens Cat who played games, toyed with my heart and ran in and out of my life. One day as I sat outside leaning up against my boyfriend in front of the school, here comes Queens Cat who walks up to me and tongue kisses me right in front of Sherwyn. My eyes are closed, I'm clutching my chest and trying to get my breath back. With a sorta kinda smirk I get it together and I apologize to my boyfriend and you know what he said to me? "It's all right". What kind of man says "it's all right" after his girlfriend is mixing saliva with some other dude, right in his space, because you know that there is no way that a tongue kiss can take place without 2 participating parties...

Me and Sherwyn broke up. Me and Queens Cat eventually drifted apart and stopped playing the good girl/bad guy games. Now that I think about it, before me and Queens Cat distanced ourselves, we actually became an item, I want to believe exclusively, and I thought to myself then that I had won such a wonderful prize except that QC wasn't much of a prize at all and for once I was the one to walk away from him. Leaving him questioning me with a little less ego and cockiness.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Whatever Feels Good For The Soul

It's nearing the end of the year. Christmas is 6 days away. I simply love this holiday time. I also love cleaning. Purging. Getting rid of the old and getting on with the new.
I usually cut people out of my life. I start with the cell phone and start deleting names. I travel to email and delete messages and people's email addresses. Then if they happen to call me or see me, I let them know that this year they haven't kept their end of the bargain and it's pink slip time. A friend or 3 of mine with perseverance for my immature tactics know how I roll.
But this year, I have not spent a lot of time thinking about my friends or my expectations of them. Instead I've been looking at me, my habits, my craziness and I've been sorting out and tossing out.

I've learned that:

I have no control over outside forces...
  • The trains, the weather and especially people. I wouldn't even be comfortable with myself if I could control anything other than me. It takes the joy out of everything rather than feeling the jitters, the anxiety, the surprise.
To be honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself...
  • The question that pops in my mind with this statement is "Who do I think I'm foolin'?" It's easy to blend it rather than be honest with yourself and stand alone but there comes a time when you have to be honest with yourself, confident in yourself and throwing out pessimism. When doing so, it becomes easier to relate and tell your own truth.
Buying quality trumps buying quantity
  • In my case, I buy some cheap behind shoes. I cry for the days when Parade of Shoes was on each and every corner and when I found out that the parent company Payless was taking over, I knew then that I should not buy. But nooooooooo. So I've subjected my precious toes and emerging callouses to the cheap alternative. The simple and plain of it is, my dang feet hurt! So I'm expecting to have 3 garbage bags full of cheap shoes. The bags aren't all that big...

I have a resolution list emerging in my head and in my journal... But I think I want to focus more on Suze Orman's 8 Qualities of a Wealthy Woman...

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Jealous Green

Jealousy.... It's in my Libra nature, I think. I try to bind it up but every now and then that green little creature creeps up on me. In my reality, jealousy is human nature. I hear people say all the time that they are not jealous but everyone at some moment is gripped by those tiny green digits.

In the year 2000, Erykah Badu, released her Mama's Gun CD. The longest song and probably the most personal was Green Eyes..."My eyes are green, Cause I eat a lot of vegetables..." Ms. Badu sangs her way through her issues with her boyfriend evolving ex-boyfriend having a "new friend". True to the stages of grief and death, what I love about this song is the movements. Movement I is Denial. Movement II is Acceptance. Movement III is Relapse.

Now relapse is not one of the stages of grief and death, according to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, but I could not understand how she skipped stages 2 to 4... Anger, Bargaining and Depression. What happened to being mad with that man for cheating, for leaving the relationship? A break-up is not complete until you beg and bargain for the lovin', "Don't leave me, we can still have an open relationship". And after you've said all you can say and cried and he's not hearing your pleas over the clap of the next woman's booty... when he says "no" and it really means no and not maybe, then that there depression envelopes you. That's when you take the good long look in the mirror, see the back fat that wasn't there before the relationship began and realize that your good just is not good enough for him anymore. That's when you spend money needlessly on scents, lotions, pocketbooks, make-up, shoes, brownies... no help for the back fat. But as time wavers, you begin to feel the relief, the tension ease, remnants of too much sugar on the tongue, and the depression lifts just enough for acceptance to come right on through. It's easy to see how Silly E. Badu can relapse when she didn't spend time mulling over the necessary stages.

Green is one of my favorite colors. It's the color of money, health, growth. But it's also used when referring to someone young or someone who is ill. So for the sake of this post, I will refer to jealousy being an emotion that is just a healthy process for growth, that is if you want to learn the lesson rather than having a green tinted pity party.

Erykah sang... "I'm insecure, But I can't help it, My mind says move on, My heart lags behind, But I don't love you any more, I'm so insecure, Never knew that love did this..."

Even in the most stable relationships, I sometimes feel insecure. This year has truly been a year for self-discovery and maturity and I had to learn that jealousy and most of my emotions come from within. Yeah it took 32 years to realize that those menacing people in my life are not to blame for each and everything going on with me. Of course I'm just joking. There are not a lot of menacing people in my life but I did stop pointing the finger outward and started looking within for the inward discord. I can't blame him or her for the wrongs when I've either given them authority in my life or I didn't make a certain decision and lived by default.

Life is all about choices and even emotions are all about choices. I believe in giving in to what you are feeling. If I'm mad, to heck with the person trying to bring me out of it. When I'm sad, I want to cry, roll all around the floor but I don't want anyone telling me to get over it. And if I happen to be jealous about something, for me it's not usually someone, I want to dance with that green creature until my acceptance, confidence comes riding up on a great white horse to rescue me.

Monday, December 17, 2007

These are a few of my favorite things...

My Favorite Beverages...

  • Water
  • Coffee with cream & lots of sugar
  • Screwdrivers
My Favorite Authors (to date)...

  • Bernice L. McFadden books and her alter-ego Geneva Holliday
  • Shawne Johnson (Getting Our Breath Back) - This book took my breath a-way
  • Walter Mosley... Can't believe Easy is gone
My Favorite Colors...

  • Red
  • Black
  • Green
My Favorite Movies...

  • The Color Purple
  • Purple Rain
  • Claudine

My Favorite Lyrics...

  • "What you want might make you cry, What you need might pass you by, If you don't catch it, And what you need ironically, Will turn out what you want to be, If you just let it"- Lauryn Hill, "When It Hurts So Bad"
  • “If'n nobody told ya brotha, I'm here to let you know that, You're so wonderful, You're so marvelous, You're so beautiful, Splendid, You're fabulous, Brilliantly blessed in every way, Ya'll can't touch we” –Jill Scott, "Brotha"
  • “What goes around, comes around, What goes up, must come down, Things you do, come back to you” –Angie Stone, "No More Rain (In This Cloud)"

My Favorite Quotes...

  • "Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. But anger is like fire. It burns it all clean." -Maya Angelou
  • "Love... It surrounds every being and extends slowly to embrace all that shall be." -Kahlil Gibran
  • "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness." -Oprah Winfrey

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Comfy Thursday

Today was snowy, wet, slushy and there was nothing more I wanted but some comfort. Instead I went to work and was so grateful that my supervisor left before lunch, one of my co-workers called in sick, one co-worker, Saki, left and didn't even say "Peace", and that left me with my closest co-worker/ associate/sister-friend and when me and her get to chit-chatting, no work gets done.

I'm grateful for...
  • God and his tremendous blessings

  • My co-worker, C.B., for her ear, her shoulder, her understanding, her friendship

  • Quiet time after 4:00 pm so I can listen to some tunes and center my thoughts

  • These beautiful flowers left by my "secret admirer" on the job

  • The Alicia Keys, "As I Am" CD

"Wreckless Love"

Let's go back in time/When seeing your ID on mine/Made me crazy/Ooh baby I'm saying

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

I'm talking bout/Back in time/When you wanted to know my every move/Tired to keep it smooth/Keepin' up with me/You drove me crazy ohh baby

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

When you/Didn't know me/Didn't need me/I wanted to touch me/Couldn't leave me/I couldn't know how/Far it would go/I couldn't know if /This was for sure
We just could not/We just could not get enough of it baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

Let's go back in time/When our kiss was brand new/An adventure not perfected/A little hesitant

Let's go back there
Let's take it there

Take it back in time/When forever was a minute, and eternity was a second/I'm stressing that we have to go back there/Let's take it there.

When you/Didn't know me/Didn't need me/I wanted to touch me/Couldn't leave me/I couldn't know how/Far it would go/I couldn't know if
This was for sure/We just could not/We just could not get enough of it baby , let's go

Have that wreckles love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

Ooh baby, let's go

Have that wreckles love
That crazy love
That off the wall won't stop til I get enough kind of love
I need that love
So baby, let's go

Have that wreckless love
That crazy love
That I don't really care
We can have it anywhere
Kind of love
That wreckless love

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

The Romanticism of the Affair: This Woman's View

Every woman I know dreams of running off into the sunset with the picture perfect Morris Chestnut, abandoning all sense of reality and responsibility and living happily with every single one of our needs met. Who wants to deal with the everyday things such as work and worries, obligations, children, washing, cooking, cleaning and providing for someone else? And don’t let that person or persons be unappreciative because then we start to resent everything, all of the time. We all want to be selfish and free at some moment and sometimes “me time” just won’t do. Along comes that suave and easy going person, the one who says all of the right things and treats you to something sweet every once and again. Here they come and they have no baggage, they ain’t mad at you at all, all they want to see is your smile and sit for some light conversation. They are so cool and oh so nice and ooh you just seem to notice their nice white teeth and their big ole booty and their big, strong arms and they’re not the teeth of the man you see at home and their booty is way better looking than the one you see everyday and the way they make you feel is so great and such an amazing distraction from the monotony of the home front. Who will deny themselves? Why cheat in the first place?

Know that...
  • If there are problems in your relationship or marriage, make it your focus, foremost, to find out where the problems are stemming from instead of allowing yourself to be distracted by the new and sexy other.
  • No one is responsible for you cheating except for you, no matter how boring they are, no matter how much weight they gain or lose, no matter how badly you just realized the cooking is, no matter what. Cheating is a selfish act and your partner is not the source. You have to dig deep within yourself to find out why you want to stray.
  • Statistics show that the result of the affair will not lead to happily ever after bliss. Of course I do not have statistics but hey, look on the net and you'll see it for yourself. Affairs are most often diversions from the tedium of home life.
  • The grass is not greener because there will still be dirty drawers and socks, nagging and complaining - that is if the affair turns into something serious. Whatever it was that you needed distractions from will eventually surface once the fun and new wears off.
  • The feelings and emotions of being in love are like a drug. If you don't interject some common sense or reality to them, they can become just as dangerous. -

Also, know that...
  • You are not his girlfriend just because you two sleep together and y'all talk about everything and he treats you nice. And you probably will not be his future wife because he is probably not considering divorce. Men usually cheat because they want variety, more sex or something different that wifey won't do.
  • Affairs are not the answer or the remedy for the deficiencies of emotion, affection, or anything else lacking in your relationship or marriage. Yeah, women cheat for emotional support, seeking more romance, affection, or because they are lonely. Most women will find that the cheating partner will provide all of that and some very memorable moments in the beginning but trust me, it eventually wears off.
  • Men love to chase and once he's satisfied his curiosity, it's usually time to return home until the next bout of boredom and then the chase begins again.

If you think relationships are hard, marriages are even harder. Everything you do once you say "I do" affects your marriage - your children's stability, insurance policies, cars, bank accounts, pension and on and on and on. There's a lot to undo if you think that running off and escaping from all of the evil and wrong doings of home is the answer. Save all that for day dreaming. In the meanwhile if there is anything going on in your marriage that can be rectified, exhaust all means to do so. It will be worth in the end, even if the marriage dissolves. At least you'll know that you did everything you could to make your relationship or marriage better.

Monday, December 10, 2007

The Other Woman... Part Deux

Once again.... I do not support adultery or cheating of any sort. If I could rewind time, I know I would not repeat any of my mistakes or choices because there is a consequence for every action chosen. The consequence does not always have to be as drastic as contracting HIV or unplanned pregnancy.... sometimes it's your reputation; in cases of marriage, it can lead to divorce; in families, adultery has negative effect on your spouses and yes children too; and the destructive list can go on and on.
The 2nd time I made the choice to become someone else's other woman, it hurt the most. With AJ, his wife was hurt, but for the most part, me and him just ended things and my life returned to normal. We were friends foremost. Even now, we are better friends than anything else.
A couple of years back I met Leader at a club. He was super nice, fine as heck, and had a great personality. We connected immediately and a few days after meeting we were sharing each other's space. I wanted something serious, he wanted sex. I figured even if I gave in, eventually he'll fall into like, perhaps love. Needless to say I was wrong, 2 months later and our involvement didn't change. I was after monogamy and I had my suspicions that he was seeing other women so I ended things.
Fast forward to about 2 years and I come home one day to find Leader's number on my caller ID. I was surprised because when I'm through with someone, I delete all contact information but he still had my info and he even left a message... He was thinking of me and wanted to see me. (Feel free to toot up your lips and call me stoooooo-pid because I called the man.)
This time I knew the deal and I figured I was better prepared, preoccupied even because this time I was already in a relationship. My relationship was steady, stable, happy at times and for the most part pleasing but things were missing. Communication was missing, a lack of emotional attachment, some disinterest. And here comes Leader who knows my quirks, laughs at my jokes, he knows a lot about me and on the outside we have the makings of a very perfect couple but almost a year prior to calling me he actually got married...
But our connection was there, everything seemed so right, everything was electric... First we talked on the phone... that lead to drinks after work, dinner, movies, museums, meeting for breakfast, going out for dessert, surprise floral bouquets and very steamy, extreme, intense desire that neither one of us wanted to ignore and we didn't.
Where was his wife in all of this and where was my partner....? I can only speak for me and I didn't pay any attention to my partner at all. I was floating on a cloud and as much as I loved my partner, I was falling in love with Leader. Everything he did was so right and my man was doing all of the wrong things or nothing. Me and Leader talked and texted so much and when we didn't, all I did was day dream about him. It was the weirdest and most wonderful thing all at the same time, love fog.
We were careful but my partner felt that something was amiss and so arguments ensued. He accused me of cheating yet I always erased the evidence. It didn't matter because I was in la-la land anyway thinking about my "perfect man" and no matter where we were, my mind was always a million miles away on Leader.
Slowly Leader started pulling away from us and started paying more attention to his home and family. He began talking about his wife more and her complaints of him. Our dates were cancelled and the phone calls and texts just about stopped but we still kept in touch and we kept up with our intimate dates but even that began to vanish.
It's terrible when you are already in a relationship and you are suffering from heartache. I couldn't tell my partner because I knew it would have broken his heart. I wanted to because I felt that doing so would free up the guilty feelings that I only felt when the outside relationship was ending. In the beginning it all felt so wonderfully glamorous. The tell-tale signs were there; I started dressing sexier, I was no longer intimate with my partner, emotionally I was detached. In the end, I felt bitter. I was angry with Leader for choosing his wife, his marriage and his new family over what we had. He came back to me and it meant the world to me. What we had was meant to be and it was worthy, it didn't matter that it was adultery. I was such a fool. Here I was romanticizing over a superficial relationship and it's ending that my partner's needs went unnoticed and unmet. I don't have to tell you that eventually that relationship ended as well. Not only was I broken hearted but now I was completely lonely.
Ultimately my heart mended and luckily nothing more serious came about but Karma does not have a time or hour or an expiration date...

Thursday, December 6, 2007

The Other Woman

Before I begin, please know I do not support cheating in relationships nor extramarital affairs. I even consider kissing cheating... but I was once the other woman...
I told myself that it wasn't that bad because I knew AJ first, actually he was my man just 16 months prior to him getting married. For me AJ was the big love of my life. We all have that one where everything is just right... my parents loved him, his parents loved me, my nephew called him uncle - it was a match in heaven yet in May 1998 we broke up. Our beautiful relationship was no longer working. By then he changed jobs, began working as an NYC Corrections Officer and the job was changing him. He was always smooth and sweet but after the academy and working on Riker's Island, my sweetie was showing signs of hardening and was slowly becoming desensitized. I wasn't the model girlfriend anymore either. I wanted to hang out with my girls more and more and even though everybody was pushing us to get married and I saw the glimmer in his eyes, I knew I was not ready and he would not be my husband.
But relationships rarely end so easily and we still hooked up for impromptu love sessions until I realized his lease on his apartment was up in November 1998 and he wasn't renewing it. He moved from his apartment and was living with someone else. That was when we really broke up and that was in December 1998.
When he came back in my life, just a month after getting married, it was supposed to be a one time thing. We still spoke on the phone. He would call me late or night or from work. I was always unaffected by him and his pressing to see me. But early one Sunday morning, he called and to make a long story not so long, he arrived at my house exactly 28 minutes after hanging up. What happened that day started a year long tryst.
We met at my house and sometimes he picked me up for a quickie in the car. We hooked up about twice a month, his wife usually wasn't home so if he left it didn't look like he was deserting her. I thought then that our rendezvous wasn't bad as far as affairs were concerned.
About 6 months into the affair, he called about 1 am to tell me that he was going to be a father. I was pissed and hurt. Women like to play games like men play but eventually our hearts do enter the picture and gradually heart break ensues. Everything I wanted with AJ was happening with another woman!!! As the months progressed I grew less and less emotionally attached to him and as much as I enjoyed the loving once, it wasn't that good anymore. Plus I was moving on to meeting someone else for myself. His wife eventually started picking up on his actions and ordered a copy of the phone bill. She saw my phone number and saw the times at night or early mornings that he called. Though I had the number due to caller ID, I never called him. Somehow she even got my job number.
One day he called me at my old job, they wouldn't forward him or give him my new number but they took his pager number and told me to page him. His wife had his pager that day and called the number she saw in the display. She already knew the number because she had been prank calling me once a week for about a month, yet I didn't know it was her. I was dealing with another knucklehead who wasn't ready to settle and I thought one of his dealings found my number and wanted to harass me.
When she returned the call, I had finally gotten through to him. He was on one line and now his wife was on the other. I hung up on her about 5 times and she kept calling me back. She wanted the truth out of me. She wanted to know why.
I told one friend about this affair and that was my limit. The one friend I told was DC, my ride or die. She doesn't judge me, she holds my hand, wipes my tears, she tells me she's proud of me, she tells me when I mess up but her friendship never changes. I digress...
I wouldn't tell his wife anything because then I would have to face my own actions. I started crying right there on the phone with her. She started crying too as I tried to hold the story in and be mean to her but slowly I spilled my guts. Before we hung up I wanted to clarify things on just one issue... I was not about to be the deranged and crazy ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let go. When I realized that he moved into her home in Queens, I was done with him. It was always him calling me and coming around me. I told her that I was sorry. I knew she was pregnant and this was just unnecessary stress that I brought on her.
I forgot he was on the phone and he stayed on hold for the entire 30 minutes plus that me and his wife spoke. When I got on the phone with him I was so drained that I just laid my head on my desk. It was the most unprofessional behavior I had displayed ever. He asked if I was fine and I told him I was but I was planning on the bottle of wine, which I would purchase at lunch and the after work session I would hold at some bar with DC. He apologized to me for everything that went down and I apologized to him. We both felt awful and we officially-officially ended things there.
We kept in contact. We talked often but we didn't meet up for sex again. I loved AJ in a special way and even now he has a special place in my heart. I was big on this issue that I was not the one making moves on him but I was the one answering the phone at 1, 2, 3 AM. I was the one who let him in when he knocked on my door. I was the one who climbed into his Cougar and took off for parking lots and dark isolated areas. And even then, before he left his wife, I was the one still picking up my phone when he called to vent. Whatever I thought I wasn't doing by not having sex with him, it was still upsetting to their relationship and it took years for me to figure that out.

You would think I would have learned....

Monday, December 3, 2007

I Just Want to Be Mad

I wanna be so mad today. I had the most frustrating weekend and a horrible commute in to work this morning. I am tired, feeling drained, I don't want to work and the Monday blues is kicking my butt. I was upset on my way in and had no way to release the anger that I started to tear up on the train but this is NYC and believe me a tearing chick gets no concern, which was fine by me. Especially today.
I can't believe that I actually want to hold on to the anger - LOL. I usually try to be a bounce back kind of woman but clearly not today. Needless to say holding on to the anger didn't work.
I get to the job and I check my job email. I sent out a "Something to take you back!!!!, Remember when" email on Friday to my buddies who are actually old enough to have 80s flashbacks. Some of the people/groups were JJ Fad, Bobby Brown, The Real Roxanne, Whodini and others. I sent the email to one of my oldest friends who I still like and don't mind keeping in contact with. His reply to me was "Dag. I remember you had that New Edition album and kept playing it and playing it and playing it and playing it." All I could do was laugh because he would come chill out at my house all of the time, because I was older than him and I had my own personal stereo in my own room. New Edition was the hottest group and I would just melt over Ralph's voice as his sang Jealous Girl and Popcorn Love - I loveded it!
I sat here smiling until my supervisor decided to come over and load up the work on me... so then the anger returned.
My co-worker was passing by and she greeted me with a hello and I looked straight in her face and ignored her. Mind you I get confrontational when she does the same thing to me and clearly she's not too happy about it either because she throws a balled up paper towel at me.
Now we do very unprofessional things at the workplace and my supervisor sits right behind me and diagonal from the crazy co-worker but my supervisor is not her supervisor so she can reprimand me but not my co-worker. However, the little girls within us wanted to play today and we decided to let them have their way and I threw a small bottle of lotion at her (it was the first thing I could get my hands on) and then I threw 2 pens at her. The lotion hit her but she dodged the pens. It was too funny and it was enough for me to stop fretting about things beyond my control.