The Romanticism of the Affair: This Woman's View

Every woman I know dreams of running off into the sunset with the picture perfect Morris Chestnut, abandoning all sense of reality and responsibility and living happily with every single one of our needs met. Who wants to deal with the everyday things such as work and worries, obligations, children, washing, cooking, cleaning and providing for someone else? And don’t let that person or persons be unappreciative because then we start to resent everything, all of the time. We all want to be selfish and free at some moment and sometimes “me time” just won’t do. Along comes that suave and easy going person, the one who says all of the right things and treats you to something sweet every once and again. Here they come and they have no baggage, they ain’t mad at you at all, all they want to see is your smile and sit for some light conversation. They are so cool and oh so nice and ooh you just seem to notice their nice white teeth and their big ole booty and their big, strong arms and they’re not the teeth of the man you see at home and their booty is way better looking than the one you see everyday and the way they make you feel is so great and such an amazing distraction from the monotony of the home front. Who will deny themselves? Why cheat in the first place?

Know that...

• If there are problems in your relationship or marriage, make it your focus, foremost, to find out where the problems are stemming from instead of allowing yourself to be distracted by the new and sexy other.
• No one is responsible for you cheating except for you, no matter how boring they are, no matter how much weight they gain or lose, no matter how badly you just realized the cooking is, no matter what. Cheating is a selfish act and your partner is not the source. You have to dig deep within yourself to find out why you want to stray.
• Statistics show that the result of the affair will not lead to happily ever after bliss. Of course I do not have statistics but hey, look on the net and you'll see it for yourself. Affairs are most often diversions from the tedium of home life.
• The grass is not greener because there will still be dirty drawers and socks, nagging and complaining - that is if the affair turns into something serious. Whatever it was that you needed distractions from will eventually surface once the fun and new wears off.
• The feelings and emotions of being in love are like a drug. If you don't interject some common sense or reality to them, they can become just as dangerous. - Lovingyou.com

Also, know that...

• You are not his girlfriend just because you two sleep together and y'all talk about everything and he treats you nice. And you probably will not be his future wife because he is probably not considering divorce. Men usually cheat because they want variety, more sex or something different that wifey won't do.
• Affairs are not the answer or the remedy for the deficiencies of emotion, affection, or anything else lacking in your relationship or marriage. Yeah, women cheat for emotional support, seeking more romance, affection, or because they are lonely. Most women will find that the cheating partner will provide all of that and some very memorable moments in the beginning but trust me, it eventually wears off.
• Men love to chase and once he's satisfied his curiosity, it's usually time to return home until the next bout of boredom and then the chase begins again.

If you think relationships are hard, marriages are even harder. Everything you do once you say "I do" affects your marriage - your children's stability, insurance policies, cars, bank accounts, pension and on and on and on. There's a lot to undo if you think that running off and escaping from all of the evil and wrong doings of home is the answer. Save all that for day dreaming. In the meanwhile if there is anything going on in your marriage that can be rectified, exhaust all means to do so. It will be worth in the end, even if the marriage dissolves. At least you'll know that you did everything you could to make your relationship or marriage better.

The Other Woman... Part Deux

Once again.... I do not support adultery or cheating of any sort. If I could rewind time, I know I would not repeat any of my mistakes or choices because there is a consequence for every action chosen. The consequence does not always have to be as drastic as contracting HIV or unplanned pregnancy.... sometimes it's your reputation; in cases of marriage, it can lead to divorce; in families, adultery has negative effect on your spouses and yes children too; and the destructive list can go on and on.

The 2nd time I made the choice to become someone else's other woman, it hurt the most. With AJ, his wife was hurt, but for the most part, me and him just ended things and my life returned to normal. We were friends foremost. Even now, we are better friends than anything else.

A couple of years back I met Leader at a club. He was super nice, fine as heck, and had a great personality. We connected immediately and a few days after meeting we were sharing each other's space. I wanted something serious, he wanted sex. I figured even if I gave in, eventually he'll fall into like, perhaps love. Needless to say I was wrong, 2 months later and our involvement didn't change. I was after monogamy and I had my suspicions that he was seeing other women so I ended things.

Fast forward to about 2 years and I come home one day to find Leader's number on my caller ID. I was surprised because when I'm through with someone, I delete all contact information but he still had my info and he even left a message... He was thinking of me and wanted to see me. (Feel free to toot up your lips and call me stoooooo-pid because I called the man.)

This time I knew the deal and I figured I was better prepared, preoccupied even because this time I was already in a relationship. My relationship was steady, stable, happy at times and for the most part pleasing but things were missing. Communication was missing, a lack of emotional attachment, some disinterest. And here comes Leader who knows my quirks, laughs at my jokes, he knows a lot about me and on the outside we have the makings of a very perfect couple but almost a year prior to calling me he actually got married...

But our connection was there, everything seemed so right, everything was electric... First we talked on the phone... that lead to drinks after work, dinner, movies, museums, meeting for breakfast, going out for dessert, surprise floral bouquets and very steamy, extreme, intense desire that neither one of us wanted to ignore and we didn't.

Where was his wife in all of this and where was my partner....? I can only speak for me and I didn't pay any attention to my partner at all. I was floating on a cloud and as much as I loved my partner, I was falling in love with Leader. Everything he did was so right and my man was doing all of the wrong things or nothing. Me and Leader talked and texted so much and when we didn't, all I did was day dream about him. It was the weirdest and most wonderful thing all at the same time, love fog.

We were careful but my partner felt that something was amiss and so arguments ensued. He accused me of cheating yet I always erased the evidence. It didn't matter because I was in la-la land anyway thinking about my "perfect man" and no matter where we were, my mind was always a million miles away on Leader.

Slowly Leader started pulling away from us and started paying more attention to his home and family. He began talking about his wife more and her complaints of him. Our dates were cancelled and the phone calls and texts just about stopped but we still kept in touch and we kept up with our intimate dates but even that began to vanish.

It's terrible when you are already in a relationship and you are suffering from heartache. I couldn't tell my partner because I knew it would have broken his heart. I wanted to because I felt that doing so would free up the guilty feelings that I only felt when the outside relationship was ending. In the beginning it all felt so wonderfully glamorous. The tell-tale signs were there; I started dressing sexier, I was no longer intimate with my partner, emotionally I was detached. In the end, I felt bitter. I was angry with Leader for choosing his wife, his marriage and his new family over what we had. He came back to me and it meant the world to me. What we had was meant to be and it was worthy, it didn't matter that it was adultery. I was such a fool. Here I was romanticizing over a superficial relationship and it's ending that my partner's needs went unnoticed and unmet. I don't have to tell you that eventually that relationship ended as well. Not only was I broken hearted but now I was completely lonely.

Ultimately my heart mended and luckily nothing more serious came about but Karma does not have a time or hour or an expiration date...