Tuesday, April 28, 2009

A Time For Everything...

"Don't feel no pity for me... Cause I'm going through a couple things...
Life means change... That's the way it goes"
-- Jill Scott "Wanna Be Loved"

A relationship, for me, is a complement. It does not complete me. So I am not feeling incomplete by remaining single. I have dating prospects and I have quite a few bedroom prospects, however I am choosing to put me first, loving and nurturing my self.

I wanna be loved... like everybody else does...
I get mad sometimes... when I think of past and broken relationships but I shake that off.
I get sad sometimes... when I come home and I don't have anyone to share my work, church and daily stories with.

Put I press forward because I know bigger and better awaits me.

Yesterday I received subtle hints from two separate people. One was showing me baby pictures of a recent addition to his family and telling me that I needed to have a baby soon. The other told me that he showed my picture to a co-worker and he'd set me up if he knew someone. I need no pity!!! Singlehood was a choice for me. It was not an easy choice and sometimes I regret it... ok a little more than sometimes... but I have such a peace in knowing that all I am responsible for is me.

A friend/co-worker of mine even suggested that I look into e.Harmony. Dating sites are great for some and I totally support anyone willing to invest time and energy in finding "the one", but I am in no rush to delve into a new, fresh relationship. There are some transitions I am looking to make first so that I won't make any old mistakes.

I am examining the errors I have made in the past, building up my standards, building up my self and allowing freedom to reign in my life. I see myself, not in the full throw of a pity party, but in my future. Life means change and I know I have to shake off the limits of my past in order to move freely, to begin anew and enjoy all that life offers.

I am going through a couple of things... some days I am somber and some days I'm downright grumpy. Please bare with me however feel no pity for me. This here is my season to heal, to build up, to dance, to laugh, to love.

Friday, April 24, 2009

G.l.o.b.a.l. W.a.r.m.i.n.g...

I have nothing much to post... yet I'm posting for the heck of it... and posting pics at that.
I'm excited about the warm weather and being outdoors but not excited about what this warm weather means...

Global warming has to be the reason why yesterday it was 55 degrees...
And I was dressed like this...
Today it's 70 degrees...
And I am dressed like this...

And tomorrow it is supposed to reach 80 degrees...
And I'm gonna be dressed like this...

I love me some warm weather, no coats, jackets, scarves - light weight clothes...
But I also love for the seasons to have their season.
This weather scares me...
And sends some folk to the emergency room...
At least that's what my mama says...

I heard on the news that yesterday it was 80 degrees in Fargo and today it's 40...
Sunday in NYC is supposed to be 88 degrees. I do not want to go to church...
But then Wednesday is going to be 60 degrees... and raining...

Such is life...
To those of you who are reaping the benefits of global warming, bask in the glory of the sun and enjoy the weekend!!!


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tap Into Your Magic...

Another memo from the establishment has been circulated... 200 to 375 positions will be cut... all based on seniority... least seniority or most? No one knows...

The other night I go to sleep and dream that my department goes from 6 staff members to 3 and I'm one of the 3 cut...

I need a raise in the worst way... Obama did all right with the $30 stimulus in my check... but the establishment?... they keep pushing my raise back... or forward... we're looking at May for some of the 4% raise...

we're thoroughly spent / them bills are stacked up / the budgets bent / and our credits jacked-up

I simply love Amel Larrieux's music... and especially her Morning CD. She wrote this song called Magic. And that's exactly what I thought about when I read today's memo... with the typos and the inappropriate slang use from our professional union... a union who rips fees from my check every 2 weeks that at this point serves little to no purpose... for me....

the stress level's high and the morale's low / and when it's lookin' like you're about to blow / your mind to the moon / stop what you're doin' / tap into your


I've got magic up my sleeves... between my fingers... and swirling around my cranium... I believe, without a doubt, that I'm going to make it through this financial cycle... unscathed... I have skills and hustles that are marketable... I think outside the box and I'm not beyond any job...

I'm thankful... for my mother who still has an extra bedroom for her children... and the fact that my parents are financially stable... the roles are reversing at this stage and age and I worry about them as they once worried about me...

magic... feels good soon as you add it / if you forgot you had it / well, it's right where you at kid / reach into you and drag it out / i'm talkin' bout that magic / however you can, you must grab it / jump, sit still, sing, laugh it's...



I'm frugal like a mutha! I can turn 15 cents into $15.00. Like Erykah sang in Cleva... my dress may cost $7 but I'll may it fly... and I'll tell you why, cuz I'm Cleva!...

I love being a Librarian but if the money is elsewhere... I will learn a new skill, pursue a new career...

And most of all... I am resilient... sure sometimes my spirit breaks and tears seep from my eyes, but I've got tenacity... not easily broken...

Sister Brandi wrote of a Proverbs 31 Woman... and her post is on point!

And I close with this... Proverbs 31:25 "Strength and dignity are her clothing, And she smiles at the future."

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Message From The Universe

The few who look forward, while always knocking on new doors, no matter how futile it may seem or how insignificant their progress, will carry the many who just keep waiting for things to get better.

And the few will "suddenly" become overnight legends within their families, 'hoods, and countries, while having the most fun, with the most friends, at the most after-parties.

Win/Win, Baby -
The Universe

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Be Ready

You got to /Earn my affection / Put your back into it /before we get this show on the road
Don’t make me / Lose all my self respect / I ain’t desperate yet so /
Come on now stop actin’ out and act like you know
-Amel Larrieux

At the reunion, on Saturday, we danced. I asked if he was married with children. His response was that he’s single with no children. This piqued my interest...

A bachelor
No children
34 years-old

He asked me if I wanted to go out with him Sunday. Resurrection Sunday is not an average day for me. I was apprehensive and told him so. "We’ll play it by ear, I’ll text you after church”, I said. He asked me where I wanted to go, where I wanted to meet…
Hold up – who asked who if they wanted to go out?!?!

Where is the small talk... What do you like to do? What's your favorite cuisine? Where's the effort?

When I ask a man to go out with me, I know the restaurant and the activities I want to get into. It must be because I am a foodie that I know restaurants galore and their specialties. I don’t eat meat, but I do eat seafood, so that’s my preference. However I also love Indian, Chinese and Vegan. Give me a region in NY and I have a favorite restaurant within it. I love to eat out. But I also have my favorite things to do. I love going to the Village Underground on Sundays for their open mic night. And do you know who they feature...? Cheryl Pepsii Riley! I may be dating myself but she sang "Thanks For My Child" back in the 80s. And she still has IT. I love her! I also enjoy Cafe Wha? It may be a little small and tight but I still love the mess out of it.

So my response to where I wanted to go, where I wanted to meet… “We’ll talk about it tomorrow”. By now I already knew that the text I sent on Sunday was going to say, “Can we reschedule?”. Part of the reason is I knew that I would be getting home in the early morning hours and I’m not young and spry anymore - I knew I’d need Sunday afternoon to recover. The 2nd reason was I wasn’t sure that the date would be worth it.

Since being single and not looking is my focus this year, I am wisely choosing how and with whom I spend my time. I thought it was nice of him to ask me to dinner but I actually move at a slower pace. I would have preferred a phone call or two before setting up a date. Let’s play a little catch up on the phone first. After all, it’s been 16 years since we graduated from high school. I think we’ll have a lot to talk about…

I haven’t heard from him since I asked for a rain check on the date.

And I am not surprised.

At first I thought that he wasn’t really real to begin with. Then I felt that maybe he was put off by me not answering his questions. Then I felt that maybe he was intimidated. I am a 33 year old woman with no children. While his status may say to me, “He’s a good catch”, my status may say to him, “Why the hell isn’t this woman married?”, “Is she crazy?”, “Gay?”, “How is it that she doesn’t have any children?”… By the way, I’m actually thinking the latter questions about him…

So I go back to… “We’ll play this by ear…

I wrote all of that to say… There is an art to asking a woman out, and the art to asking me out is being ready. I hope I'm not being too hard with resentment and bad judgment clouding my thoughts and actions. I have standards where in my past I didn't have or I didn't uphold. Now I do have and I plan to uphold each and every one.

Maybe he’s taking his time to get ready, complete with a date, time and location or maybe to him, I’m not worth the attempt. Maybe he wasn’t really real…Whatever may be going on, I say to him and er’ry man who steps to me as Jill Scott sang in her song "Be Ready" "When(when) You(you) Come (come) To(to) Me(me,me,me,me), Be ready, Be ready, Be ready, Be ready" because you’ve got to "earn my affection, put your back into it... come correctly, come strong and don’t drag your good foot behind..."

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

First Love

“The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can ever end” -- Benjamin Disraeli

As I mentioned in my previous post, I saw my first love at Saturday night's reunion party. Our reunion was really a Facebook meet up and my first love doesn't even have a Fb account, so seeing him was unexpected.

First loves are so wonderful, so innocent. We were each others first love. We shared so much with each other. We talked openly, we cried together. We also had a very troubled relationship.

There is something about my first love that grips me. For instance when he walked into the bar and our eyes met, there was such a visible sweetness there. It was evident as we hugged longer than I hugged anyone else that night and he shouted over the music that he missed me (we speak often but we haven't seen each other in about 5 years), and as he grabbed my hand so I could lead him through the bar where his friends were.

Outwardly we were the envy of our schoolmates. And on Saturday night, I did not imagine the catty looks we received as we walked while holding hands and taking pictures together. However in high school, through thick, thin and stupidity, we stayed together. I've always been a tyrant and I run a tight ship. My first love didn't get away with a thing but he drove me nuts simply by trying my love and patience.

As first loves do, we outgrew each other... really he met another girl in summer school and I met another guy on a weekend trip with my mom. But a bad accident brought us back together again. Because of the severity of his accident, he lost about 2 months worth of his memory and we broke up 2 weeks before, so when he emerged from his coma, the 1st person he called on was me and because I loved him, I came running.

His memory eventually returned or his friends reminded him that we had broken up and one Tuesday night as I visited with him, he asked me why I kept coming to see him - traveling from the Bronx to school in Manhattan to the hospital in Brooklyn only to leave Brooklyn, late at night, ride through Manhattan and end up back in the Bronx, all on public transportation! - even though we weren't officially together. The answer was "Because I love you".

I cherish the wonderful memories of my first love and sometimes I relish in them. I remember thinking and believing that he would be the man that I married. Sometimes I imagine the "what if" and the "what could have been". I always thought my first love would be my last love. I never could have fathomed that we would end. I know most women have this very same wish...

He is still single, eligible, and if ever I need anything from him, no matter the cost or time or the inconvenience, he will accommodate. His role as my first love and emerging in later years as a friend has helped to mold me into the woman I am. Indeed there was something very magical about us and the sparks of it shone at the reunion. It was beautiful.

Monday, April 13, 2009

What FaceBook Has Done...

I’m leery of internet networking sites. So when I formed my facebook account years ago, I picked the name Isis Kah to protect my identity. I love ancient Egyptology and Isis, the mother of Horus, the goddess of motherhood and fertility – kah meaning spirit - I thought that was a grand name. Plus I only created an account because one of my girlfriends’s had an account and I wanted to see her pics.

I’m nosey like that sometimes…

When the True Urban Queen added me as a friend on facebook, I dropped my alias and changed my name to my full government name. Within a day I went from having 3 or 4 friends to 20 because the high school peoples came out of the woodwork. I like having control over my friends so I have since changed my facebook name to one this is slightly recognizable but still questionable. I have about 90 friends from college, high school, middle school, elementary school and a few co-workers. I have added friends who lived in the hood but have moved out of state. I have reconnected with my oldest friend in the whole world.

I can say hi to people who I may or may not bump into on the street. I’ve posted pics from years back to the present so me and my friends have taken trips down memory lane. And because of facebook, a group of about 80 high school graduates were able to reunite and party at a club in Brooklyn Saturday night.


Graduates from ‘91 to ‘94 got together and partied, danced, and caught up. It was good seeing all who have changed and shaking our heads at the people who haven’t. I brought my co-worker, CB, with me. She was my ride, my photographer and she’s my new cut buddy. You can’t party with everybody and she’s someone I can let my hair down with and never have to worry.

I saw the upper classmen who graduated before me.
Those I had crushes on.
Those under classmen who had crushes on me.
I saw the guy who I had the biggest crush on and he was still fine, taller, bow legged with a dimpled cheek – good lawd!
I saw a friend and ex-boyfriend who I keep falling out of touch with.
I saw my first love.

Afterwards we exchanged numbers, promised to hit each other up on facebook, send texts, get together soon and parted ways. It was after 4am when I made it home and even though I was tired while attending Resurrection Sunday service, I had a ball Saturday night. I haven’t been to a party in years and I easily fell back into my groove.

Did I say that I wore a gray dress, black tights and black 4 inch heels? I caught a glimpse of myself in the ladies restroom mirror and impressed myself!

While facebooking can be somewhat addictive, I've learned to curtail my use and abuse. But I am glad for what facebook and it's availability has done.

There’s more to share about this reunion and in the days to come I will post more...

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

I’ve never been married…
But I know what a divorce feels like
Together we thought we’d last forever… endured the assumptions of our friends
Still until our finale… we outlasted their involvements
And their speculation
Jointly we made financial investments... vacationed together
Created lifelong memories… erased the old and the harsh
Within the first five days, I knew I loved you
And wanted to build my life with you
We became a family…You me and your daughter
Through the years… I saw the bricks to our edifice slowly crumbling… slipping… falling
Every time I failed to put a smile on your face… or when I found myself lonely
Even while lying in your arms… or sleeping in your bed
I tried to put us back together but instead of using water and concrete
My attempts were more like… spit and dirt
And with every fight… and every miserable moment
Our connection became more like confinement
And so we parted
But families never really disband… Or do they?
We packed up clothes… took down pictures
Boxed up memories… closed accounts
Scheduled visits
Tried to create some kind of normalcy… keep everyone happy
But you weren’t happy
You were not settled
So I hope that today changed things for you… for us
Today I returned to you… your keys… and you returned mine
Relationship dissolved
And it breaks my heart

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Random Words I Type

Ooooooh it's been so long since I've blogged...

Haven't been going through much and I really have nothing to post about... but if we got to really talking, there'd be a whole lotta TMI going on. I must have posting block/blogging block... so I figured, this is the perfect to for a random.

*Gluttony truly is a sin... I do not eat meat. It's been a year or something like it since I've eaten meat other than fish and some seafood. However the other day I ate this vegetable bun and I pretended or turned a blind eye to it that it may just be meat inside of it. I'm pretty sure now that it was pork. And needless to say my body is paying the price. I am upset with myself. I tried to blame my co-worker who gave it to me and then my co-worker who gave it to her but really I am to blame because when I saw the brown grounded meat all I had to do was toss it but nooooo, I'm greedy and pretended that it was mushrooms. Now I've vowed to eat clean.

*I haven't spent any time with my friends. I've been in a sort of depressed state I suppose but I appreciate the company of one, ME. I may call one or two of them, hit them up on Facebook or send a text. But this weekend... I called all of my girlfriends and found out that one of them has been arrested, I hung out with CB and her crew on Sunday and I finally got up with my bestie DC yesterday. I missed them so.

*However my friend who got arrested for hopping on the back of the bus... WTF... we're grown now! Although I have never hopped on the back of a public bus as a youngster. If I have no carfare, I pep and step it or I borrow from somebody... anybody... but I take no chance of going to jail... been there, done that.

*Ok... see what had happened was... the year was 1999 and Amadou Diallo was gunned down by 4 police officers. Along with many others, I protested and was arrested for non-violent civil disobedience. I only spent 2 hours in jail and my record was expunged in 6 months. That was the least I could do to protest the callousness and brutality of the NYPD... Now I'm mad all over again...

*But back to my friend... I couldn't understand her being grown and hopping on the back of the bus. She's a big ole yallow girl too. An easy target. The cops came and arrested her, handcuffed her and all. She spent 2 days in jail... hey I was arrested along with about 75+ people. 2 hours was about all they afford to give me. I feel bad but then again... I don't. Hey I'll give her the $10 for a metrocard. Getting arrested for hopping the bus is just not an option.

*Yesterday while recovering from my gluttonous actions, I hooked up with DC and we went to the movies. I haven't been to the movies since... 7 Pounds, which is an excellent movie although I had to read the script online to figure out what the heck was really going on. Anyway, me and DC went to see Knowing.

*Guess what? I don't want to know. Nope. I have decided that I want to read the bible up until Jude but there's no need for me to read Revelations no more... no unh unh. I'm not interested in what's going to happen in 2012 either. Sometimes knowing is not everything. I need not know of the 5,000 dates for the end of the world. However I will say that knowing that God is in control gives me great comfort.

*That's all folks!