Wednesday, December 31, 2008
We had some good times
We had ups and downs
Heartaches and heartbreaks
Shoot we began with an argument
Yet we're ending in peace
It's been great
We laughed a lot
We learned a lot
We are reminded that loving relationships are supposed to be easy
We learned not to be guilty for seeking happiness and contentment
We learned to love my full frame
We're still striving to be active and eat healthier
We cried a lot
We lost our grandmother
We reconnected with family & friends
We grew spiritually
We did a lot of cleaning up
We spent a lot of time alone
We pondered over many things
We're moving onto 2009
With money in my pocket
Money in the bank
2008 has been good to me. I have no real milestones to post but just in my personal growth, 2008 has been so good. I've maintained and that's more than some can say.
To all my blog friends... Happy New Year!!! I want to shout some of y'all out but that just isn't fair. But to all, Peace, Love and Blessings. Prayerfully, we'll be loving, sharing and reading in '09.
I'm learning that transitions are HARD!
First off, my natural hair is ummm.... let's just say that when my hair was long and straight people used to call me Pocahontas. Now they are definitely going to call me Kizzy. It's a shock now when I wash my hair and then can't comb it. I am stunned when I want to comb it one way and it's doing it's own thang. But it's my natural hair. It's thick, it's kinky, it's unruly and in every way it represents me. My hair is coarse. Always was, even with a relaxer in it. It just seems right to allow it to be unprocessed, raw. And my personality is a match for my hair. RAW. I have couth, I really do, but I don't have that mechanism that says, "K, sugar coat this". If you want the truth, just ask me.
I've learned some lessons about life recently while pondering what in the hell I'm going to do with my hair.
Transitions are sometimes ugly. When you want a desired effect, you have to brave the unpretty parts first. You're faced with decisions that you never had to make before. Do I choose the easy guilt laden road or do I tough it out and choose what's best, what's healthiest for me? I have 15 inches of hair and 12 and 1/2 inches of it is straight, thin and not so pretty 2 and 1/2 inches is crinkly, brazen and wild. Everyday won't bring sunshine. Every road won't be easy and sometimes it's going to be downright horrid. But you have to tough it out to see the beauty.
Transitions require patience. I'm a get up and go kinda woman. My morning routines are trouble-free (although I'm lazy and late to work). Now I have to take time with my hair where before I would comb out my doobie and step. The same goes for life. Routine is easy and can be done without thought or creativity but you can't have transition without tolerance.
Transitions can be uncontrollable. It's been 20 years since I've seen more than an inch or so of my natural hair but I never imagined throwing a hat over my head for days because I'm baffled about what to do with this. The thing with transitioning is that 2 things are going on at the same time. You're moving from one area to another and the end may not be visible. Everything seems to be awry but you have to allow the uncontrollable to be uncontrolled and know that eventually all will balance out.
With transitions, there are always options. I can do the big chop. I can put braids in. I can go through the daily battles or I can always relapse and go right back to my favorite Dominican salon and feel guilt as they apply the chemicals. I'm heavily treading on the daily battles road. And life transitions are the same way. You can quit your job and move to another city on faith. You can plan and map out the process and then leap. Or you can brave it daily, taking it one day at a time.
My 2009 is definitely going to be high and memorable, transitions and all. I cannot wait for the spring and summer months, the birthdays, holidays and celebrations to come around again. I can't wait to experience it all with a newness, slight innocence, with anticipation. I vow to take 2009, one day, one week, one month at a time, purposefully living each day to its fullest.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I have an old flame who I actually consider a friend and I work with him. He got married last year and since then he's tried to hit on me repeatedly. We barely spoke before he was married and he was ambiguous the entire time we dated, which was 7 years ago. This past week he emailed me and when he didn't get the response he wanted, he called me a Cold Ass Woman.
There was a time when I gave in to the 1st man and he probably called me Easy, a Slut or a Ho. There was a time when I was feeling the 2nd man like mad and he probably called me Crazy or Sprung. Under normal circumstances I do not like name calling but with these two situations I laughed it off. Reason being, I already gave myself a new name.
My new name is Worthy
I am Worthy of quality time and attention
I am Worthy of being missed, loved and cared for
I am Worthy of success
I am Worthy of forgiveness and patience
I am Worthy of my heart's desires and genuinely loving relationships
I am Worthy of being in the midst of things that bring joy to my soul.
There was a time when I was dealing with the 1st man and I didn't feel worthy of a true relationship, which is why I settled for a sexual, on-call, relationship when it was presented to me. There was a time with the 2nd man when I was prepared to change and rearrange my life in order for him to approve of me. I am so glad that with time and energy, I've grown.
Lately I have been called Selfish, Arrogant and Self-Righteous in addition to being a Teaser and a Cold Ass Woman and I must say that I am guilty of parading all of those qualities. I have been loving and giving to everyone I know and it's way past time to give back to myself. If that makes me any of the above, I'm to blame... unapologetically.
I am Worthy of spending time on myself. I am Worthy of telling others NO. I am Worthy of the number one slot in my life and I cherish it. If that means giving unto myself to the point that it's considered sinful, then so be it. I'm Worthy of that too!
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Link back to the person who tagged you.
Answer the questions
Tag 7 other bloggers
Let them know in the comments they were tagged.
10 random things about me:
I am a psychology buff
I still own and use a VCR
I own a huge collection of postcards
I have small feet for my height
I store my childhood dolls in my closet
I love to laugh
I am a self-proclaimed researcher
I am the baby of my family
I'm a daddy's girl
I am a feminist
9 ways to win my heart:
Know how to cook for me
Love my family as I love them
Be a good friend
Be quick to forgive me
Always be patient
Freely give from the heart
Give me space
8 things I want to do before I die:
Take a tour of Egypt
Buy and own a house
Publish my work
Manage my own business
Have a nude portrait painted
Be TRULY debt free
Sail on seas
Get my PhD
7 ways to annoy me:
Don't listen to me
Cut me off when I'm talking
Bother me 1st thing when I walk into work (Thanks Saki)
Play loud music 1st thing in the morning
Dirty up my bathroom
Stir up ish
6 things I believe in:
The power of prayer
The hidden message of dreams
5 things I am afraid of:
My own strength
4 of my favorite things:
Home washing machines
3 things I do daily:
2 things I want to do within the hour:
Actually start to work
Eat my breakfast
1 person I want to see right now:
That woman who brings the checks
Also thankfully to the True Urban Queen herself, I have about 2 people to tag. LOL
Kay C, The Quiet Storm
Thursday, December 11, 2008
It was orgasmic.
I grew up dancing. For 15 years I studied jazz and ballet. It's been years since I've been in a dance studio or under the training of a choreographer. When usually seeing a dance performance my body jerks because I too want to vibrate but last night I was still. In awe. Seeing the Alvin Ailey dancers has been on my to-do list since I was 25 years-old and finally I had the opportunity. More than an opportunity. It was an experience.
I have to go again. They had a lottery for future show tickets and even if I don't win, I must see the show again with my special friend. A show this rich in culture, spirituality and sensuality, it was enormous and enriching. I am still flying on my Ailey high.
And then suddenly, when you think it just couldn't get any better, the doorbell GONGS, and everyone falls silent.
Yes!! Pizza guy!!
You really know how to live
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.
It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...
It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.
I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.
It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.
After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!
But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.
However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.
I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.
Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.
But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
I don't know what it is, I'm thinking it's the month of December, but my Sister Bloggers are revealing some personal truths... I think it's wonderful when are truthful and comfortable with yourself to say that you're not a good girl like Kiaya or when you toot your own damn horn like Kay C. My two girls, True Urban Queen and ChezNiki have no problem revealing their inner kitty. I can't forget P****Chats.
So just because you're wholed up in church on Sundays, it does not mean that on Saturday you weren't holed up or tied up to the headboard...
Just because you love the Lord and post your weekly gratefuls, it does not mean you do not like, no love, sex, regularly, with an ex who just happens to not be your man...
Just because you're a good girl, it does not mean that you do not have a crate full of pornos in the stash or a rabbit in the goodie drawer by the bed...
Tell the truth...
You ain't never kissed another woman... when you were drunk? sober? lonely? bored?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and thought about the next man and worked your man out?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and imagined a woman and worked your man out? LOL
You ain't never thought about sex while sitting at your desk and had to make a bathroom run to scratch that itch?
You ain't never looked at your Pastor on a Sunday morning and wondered...?
You ain't never been home alone and bored and the phone rang, it's an ex, and before he asks how you doin'?, you tell him to come over before your right mind returns?
No? Well all right then, keep on being selfish and keeping your truth to youself! LOL
*I'm actually trying to be comical with this post. It's up to the blogger if they want to be raunchy or vulgar with their blogs and they can always block their blog from public view... It's just my opinion... that some of y'all don't have to be goodie-goodie all the time, y'all just be holding back!
Sunday, December 7, 2008
A couple of weeks ago I was in the fish market with my father's girlfriend. We look nothing alike but people always ask if we're mother and daughter. I guess it's because she looks motherly and I daughterly. She is always the first to say no. Over the past few months, we've been spending a lot of time together, working together and her firm answer always strikes a cord with me. So we're in the market and after she says no, I turn to her and say, "You have no daughter, you only have one son. You are in a relationship with my father, a married man, married to my mother and you always say, "No she's not my daughter" or "No she's his daughter". You can at least say "She's my step-daughter" or "Yes she's my daughter". What's the harm in that? We're not close friends and I can always use an extra mum."
As a grown woman, the little girl in me still sometimes needs, wants and cries out for Mommy time. I said in my previous post that I wanted to curl up in my mother's lap for some love and nurturing after a long week. I would probably also throw in a good cry, babble and a runny nose for the full effect. If I even suggested to my mother that I wanted anything more than her ear, a hug and a cheek kiss (with just the cheeks touching) she would side-eye me and tell me to get out of her face.
To entertain the little girl in me, I must take the time to nurture myself. My father's girlfriend isn't bending - I probably wouldn't enjoy her nurturing no way - and my mum is great but I need more. I must do what is necessary to give back to me.
I am extremely giving in relationships. I mean I giiiiiiive and my last relationship was a doozy. I gave of my time, my patience and my love until I felt exhausted and unable to give back to me. One of the reasons for ending my relationship was the neediness of my partner. There is only one number one slot in my life and I gave that to him. Now it's vacant and I need to fill my own damned slot!
As I pull out my burgundy nail polish for my toes, arrange the gerber daisies I bought, remove the red velvet cake I baked from the oven (no icing), give myself a facial and sit down next to my lavender colored candled and my Exotic burning oil from The Body Shop with my new read "In the Night of the Heat" by Blair Underwood, Tananarive Due & Steven Barnes, I think of all of the wonderful things I appreciate about me, snuggle up underneath my burgundy throw and give myself a big hug. I deserve my Love.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
I went directly for my Sade cd. Wanted to listen to Lover's Rock, King of Sorrow, Somebody Already Broke My Heart... but then I found a blank cd I created a while ago, popped it in. Just Fine by Mary J. Blige. I created it months ago for my morning workouts and forgot all about it - and about the intentional morning workouts. Just the song I needed to hear this Saturday morning to get my body and my mind moving.
About to mope. About to let my Saturday low keep me from the sunshine outside. About to let one person, one night, one comment, one situation, one bad relationship, no two bad relationships, nonsensical drama and straight bull keep me from living out today.
No time for moping around, are you kidding?
And no time for negative vibes, cause I'm winning
It's been a long week, I put in my hardest
Gonna live my life, feels so good to get it right
I'm sure my neighbors are pissed as hell with me right now because not only am I playing Mary, Faith, Angie, Jill and Erykah (my get low just to make you feel good sisters), I am blasting 'em. Their music, the beats, the rhythm, is all I want to hear to drive out the drone of my melancholy. I had one helluva week. A quit my job, chop of my hair, curl up in my mother's lap and let her love and nurture me, eat Oreos, chocolate ice cream, Doritos and drink chocolate soy milk kind of a week. Instead I'm drinking iced Red Zinger tea, yogurt and a banana. Cause I "Got my head on straight, I got my vibe right / I ain't gonna let you kill it / You see I wouldn't change my life, my life's just... FINE" Ain't no monkey gonna stop my grind because I'm about to be fit, fabulous and oh so fine in 2009.
I can deal with solitude. That's what books and telephones were created for. One quick phone call to my mum, dad or a trusted friend, and my solitude evaporates. Solitude has no hold on me. However that's not what I woke up next to. Solitude is not what I felt this morning at all. I woke up next to dejection. I woke up next to self-pity and I was about to throw a pity party with an invitation for one. My Lover's Rock cd is the same brand and has no label just like my Growing Pains cd... so I'm glad I picked the right one. Sade is my friend and we've gone through some times but not today Sade.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
The question, Why Me?, is usually asked when things go wrong. Someone has lost a job, or a loved one, you stump your toe or some crazy crap just keeps happening and you can't help but question...
You feel singled out. Punished. God doesn't love you. NO ONE loves you. Things have occurred, beyond your reason, beyond your control and we ask God and everyone around us to explain...
Lately I've been asking the very question but for different reasons... I couldn't be happier in my life. I mean sure it's the holidays and I've been spending lots and lots of time alone and my money is low but my finances are coming together quite nicely.
I cannot stand the fact that I have to work, everyday at that, and I'm really not liking my boss at all but life outside of this building is great.
I have wonderful friendships and a friendship that only a love list can inspire.
Yet I question Why Me? Why do I feel so lovely and these lovely things keep happening to me? Love keeps flowing in and through my life... Why Me?
I think of "The Yellow Wallpaper" by Charlotte Perkins Gillman. I think of that woman who lived in a child-like state, trapped and confined, living in a horrible fantasy world. I think of how her life was unfulfilled and hidden from her husband and even from herself. I think of how she stripped the yellow wallpaper from the wall in order to free the woman she imagined who lived in the wallpaper, thus freeing herself...
The other day I wrote Why Me? down in my journal. I stared at it for about 5 minutes when another question popped in my head that made me scratch the mess out of that question and write.
More importantly, never ever do I want to take my blessings for granted. If God sees fit to bless me who am I to question it. So whatever comes my way... reason, season, lifetime, the good and the not so good, I count it all joy!
Monday, December 1, 2008
I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.
And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.
It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.
I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.
I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...
I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.
And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...