Wednesday, December 10, 2008

I Surrender

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you. Lois Lane: You, you've got me? Who's got you?

I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.

It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...

It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.

I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.

It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.

After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!

But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.

However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.

I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.

Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.

But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".


Kalyn said...
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Kalyn said...

I can SO relate. I do this all the time. A friend told me that I'm weird because... I can be telling them something absolutely horrible that just happened to me yet I'll have a smile on my face. I told her that it is simply because if I let myself frown, or show my frustration, I'll cry, get angry, and frustrated. But I can't do that because I gotta be strong for everyone else. She didn't like that answer, but it's the one she got. I try to let God help me, and sometimes, He gives me the right moment, with the right friend, and the right situation to just let it all out. And I do. And then I go back to being the strong person that I'm not, and everyone tells me their troubles and sorrows.

And the cycle repeats. In the beginning, you feel great because you just let all the emotions and things you've been holding hostage go. In the middle, you realize what you do, and at the end, it hurts so bad because you just need to let it out, you want to cry but you can't, and try as you may it just doesn't want to work. And then it does. And it starts over.

Kiayaphd said...

I think this is common to 'givers'; I do this too. Or I should say, I do it less now than I used to. I am a counselor by nature and by profession and that makes people naturally gravitate to me with their problems. I don't judge, I don't condemn, but I nurture and console.

Like you, I found myself looking around one day for someone to hold my tears, only to realize there was no one around who was strong enough! How selfish of me!

We teach the people around us how to love us and take care of us. I assumed no one else could do as good a job as I do.

So, I set out to create a little more balance. I do not let any and all cry on my shoulders anymore. They walk away feeling better but I'm now burdened. And I have figured out the one or two who are more than strong enough to bear me.

But most importantly, and you've already recognized it, I take my burdens to God, the ultimate healer, and I leave them there.

I'm sending you a hug, honey. It's gon' be alright, I know it.

MsKnowitAll said...

Ladies... Thank you very much for your insight and comments.

Kalyn... that's exactly the cycle. I want so much to end it. I'm working to end it.

Kiaya... I'm accepting that hug Ma! I have to really find balance and learn to say no. I've been feeling like I'm at my breaking point and I still haven't done all that is needed for myself.