Monday, December 1, 2008

There are no regrets in life, just lessons...

I love the month of December. December might as well be a great big ole holiday for me. It's my month of clean-up. Proverbially, I start throwing everything, out of the closets, the drawers, the hidden crannies of my life and discard that which is no longer needed, useful, no longer having value. Like taking a huge loofah and giving my life an intense exfoliation.

I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.

And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.

It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.

I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.

I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...

I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.

And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...

11 comments:

Lovebabz said...

What is needed will come...

Welcome to your life! Believe it or not you have all the tools you need for happiness and a life of love.

We all do.

I am with you!

MsKnowitAll said...

Thank you so much Sister Lovebabz.

Unforgiven said...

It amazes me how tightly we hold on to what we know we should be letting go of. Is it the fear of the unknown when another person becomes part of our life? We are so comfortable, because we know what to expect. Or, because we can't believe we have failed again. I wish you all the best in your new chapter of life. I may follow in your steps, i'm sure there are a couple things I could get rid of.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Whew girl! You must have been reading my mind because 2008 was full of "letting go" for me.

I think I could have written this (including loving December) but we all learn in our own time. Sometimes we are holding on to things that God himself/herself is trying to take away.

Take your time to learn the lesson and you are an amazing and wonderful person!

MsKnowitAll said...

Thank you Unforgiven...

Thank you Kay C... I'm nodding my head to "Sometimes we are holding on to things that God himself/herself is trying to take away."

Monique said...

Lovebabz said is best on her blog, you are making room for better and more blessings. This is the season for cleansing and we need to do what HE wants us to do and not question it. You know in heart what needs to happen. I admire your strength and love the wisdom you always share.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

Wow.

I understand everything you are saying like me staying in an unhappy marriage to a man I love but wasn't in love with for so long. Waking up and realizing I need to move on or I will die unhappy.

And I said I will never do that again.

Then, I find myself holding on to a "friend" who we are not moving forward so why am I still waiting?

Dag girl you know how to make a sister think.

You are so wonderful that I know you will regain you and all the great things that are out there for you.

@Ms Kay. . .to the holding on. . . Made me pause.
I am trying hard to figure out what God wants me to have or let go of.

Kiayaphd said...

This has been a year of cleansing for me as well. . . I just didn't wait till December to do it! LOL!! My housekeeping included cleansing and renewing or terminating relationships, freeing myself of old mindsets, and shaking off the shackles of fear and anger.

Even when we know we are in a bad place, the fear of the unknown seems to keep us stagnant. I'm feeling you on the struggle, but I think this is where your true blessing will come... this is your opportunity to see the strong, fierce woman you have been called to be. One who sets her own standard and has the courage to settle for nothing less.

The older I get, the wiser I'm becoming, thank God, and like Sharon says, life is waaay too short to spend it in misery.

I am sorry and saddened to hear about your loved lost, though. . .

MsKnowitAll said...

Monique... You see how me and Lovebabz are linked up? Ummm hmmm. Thank you, Mo.

Queen... You might be surprised by what God wants you to let go of. That's what the wonderful month of December is all about.

Kiaya... Thank you Sis. This was an unexpected break-up and very painful. I love your comment. I have to remember to print out all of the comments and keep them for future affirmation.

blackwomenblowthetrumpet.blogspot.com said...

Hello there!

Sometimes we have to be willing to walk through pain to love ourselves in the way we MUST love.

We often AVOID pain but end up short-changing ourselves.

I love when you said "I welcome me back". I want to write a post with that title....with your permission to use that phrase.

Peace, blessings and DUNAMIS!
Lisa

MsKnowitAll said...

Lisa... Thank you and you hit it on point. You are welcome to use the title! Free feel, anytime.