I love the month of December. December might as well be a great big ole holiday for me. It's my month of clean-up. Proverbially, I start throwing everything, out of the closets, the drawers, the hidden crannies of my life and discard that which is no longer needed, useful, no longer having value. Like taking a huge loofah and giving my life an intense exfoliation.
I am shredding, shrugging off the old and releasing the past that I've held a tight grip on. I used to tell my ex-boyfriends that the reason why relationship endings hurt so much is because we tighten our grip when we should really be letting go.
And with that, I realized this year that some relationships need to be dismantled or altered.
It saddens me to think hard or repeat to anyone that my relationship of almost 4 years is coming to a close. Though the time invested, the family that we became has been vital to me, there is a part of me that has stopped living and living purposefully. It's not easy saying good-bye to someone you do not hate nor dislike. Someone you love very much yet you know deep inside that you are both holding on and dancing around issue after issue, growing but just not growing together. I shut a huge part of me down in order to continue the charade but I'm simply no good at pretending.
I pride myself on being optimistic, positive and uplifting but I found myself becoming pessimistic and I knew I had to shake up my surroundings because pessimism is not comfortable for me. I bought T.D. Jakes' book "Reposition Your Life" and didn't even read it because I was afraid that if I did, I would be driven to end my relationship.
I feel 18 years-old again. 18 was an important year because it was when I first moved out of my mother's house. Notice I said first (there's a couple of stories there). I feel immature in a sense that with youthful anticipation I am open to the bigger and better life has to offer me. When I was 18 I moved in with a boyfriend. The relationship ended and it was the first time I took control of my own life. I knew that that relationship wasn't good for me and I refused to be tied down so I humbly took my butt home to Mama who kept my room as it was and welcomed me back home. I knew then that my entire life was before me and I was much too young to spend it unhappily. The lessons that we seem to forget over the years...
I'm grateful for my past union because it was an introduction into my first real grown-up involvement, complete with a child. Almost immediately we met, fell in love, committed ourselves to each other and became a family. I love his child as if she were my own and I will continue to be a part of her life, for life. It is my prayer that as we transition from relationship to friendship that we keep our family unit alive.
And in the same manner that my Mother welcomed me back into her home, I welcome me back. I explore the parts of me that have been hidden and put a trace on those parts that have been discarded. I know now that I don't ever want to compromise or sacrifice those parts of me again. And without regrets, I embrace my life lesson...