Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Thursday - My Monday

I'm so down and I just can't explain because I have no reason for it. Just in a funk and I don't like it. I often combat this by being grateful and journaling my grateful list and when I feel the heaviness of baggage building on my back, I recite the Serenity Prayer. This tends to work.

However I've been feeling like my life needs a change of scenery. Like I need to make some power moves. Possibly meet some new folks, network some. Read a new book - different genre, not my usual favorite authors.

I was in church on Sunday and in the sermon, the preacher spoke about stirring up your life. Now that would be great if I knew what areas of my life needed stirring. I'm content in my relationship, church & church work are good, work is great...

I could cut my hair ALL off. I recently chopped about 5 inches off and you would think I got a barbershop caesar with the way my friends questioned me. Everytime I suggest this to anyone close to me except my bestfriend D.C. they all tell me that I look great with hair. D.C. thinks I look fabulous and should try everything. I could stand to chop off another 3 inches...

I could dye my hair. What's funny about this is I'm 30 something, an early 30 something at that, and my grays are showing up quickly. I'm not bothered by it. I hardly notice it until I'm parting my hair or like today when the stubborn gray stuck straight up until I put some water & lotion on it - lol. I wouldn't even know where to begin because I have never dyed my hair. Here I am scared of hair dye when I put chemicals in it every 6 weeks. Now I know I should be scared of putting 2 chemicals in my hair.

I could continue this weight loss journey. I've been a standstill weight for the past 2 years after losing 50 pounds. I'm glad I don't have the excess weight that I had but I admit that this heavy duty, yet shapely, sista got a ways to go. This one actually isn't a could, it's a must, a certain must.

I could go back to school for another degree. This actually doesn't excite me at all. I finished getting my master's 2 years ago and have not felt the sting or desire for the classroom setting since. I wouldn't even know what to study this time. This goes to the bottom of my mental list of things to think about.

So I'll just end this here with what I'm grateful for:
Hot autumn days like today so I can still show some skin
It's pay day Thursday
A day to just relax & be
Jill Scott's new CD
It's one week before my birthday!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Thursday - My Monday

I don't know why but for the longest of time Thursday is my day to reflect and begin again. Not like Sunday for some or Monday - Thursday - the day before the weekend begins. It could be because it's pay day. Could be because I'm looking forward to Friday clock out time.

Thursdays are when I decide that I'm going to eat healthier, exercise more, be on time for work (I'm chronically late and grateful that I work for such a liberal institution). I just jump into plan mode... which leads me to...

Being grateful...
In my reading of other people's blogs this week (My Peeps as I refer to them), I noticed that they posted their grateful list. I usually journal mine regularly or whenever I'm feeling like life is just so unfair because I don't have X-Y nor Z. Mondays through Wednesdays tend to be my somber days but it's something about my Thursday that gets the ball rolling. Today I woke up thinking, "What in the world do I have to feel crappy about?" I am so grateful for so many things and so my list goes like this:

I'm grateful for:
Getting to work on the NYC transit system safe from hurt, harm & danger
Having a closet spilling with clothes that I can pick from (today I'm wearing black to show my support for the Jena 6)
My 2 on-the-job friends who keep me in stitches
The guy from Starbucks today who gave me an extra special wink
Coffee with half n' half and just enough sugar
The coolest supervisor (less stress)

Health, strength and a sound mind
Having my everyday needs met
Being blessed
Knowing how & when to say "thank you"

My loving partner & friend
All of my family & mom, today, for reminding me of my weight loss goals
My prayer book
Quiet time

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Love is Stronger Than Pride

Love is Stronger Than Pride (Sade)

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living
Not too long ago I thought that my life was on the brink of end. I wanted it to end because I was longing for someone from my past and life to me was just too unfair to continue living. I wasn’t suicidal however my everyday thinking became “what if” instead of “it is”. I thought back to 6 years ago and all of the things I should have said, should have done, the ways I should have acted. But slowly and surely I started to be grateful for what I already have and stopped looking outward for things and this man that I did not have.

I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving
I’m awful with forgiving and understanding and call me Drama Queen because I know all too well how to bring the drama. But I’ve been holding on to a hurt for the past 6 years thinking that it wasn’t affecting me when in reality it was eating away at me. Because of this hurt I thought that everything he said and did was to hurt me, humiliate me - when in reality all he wanted was my friendship, honestly. And forget about all of the other relationships that I helped to destroy because I didn’t know how to release my old hurts… I didn’t even realize I was hurting.

But I can't hate you
I HATE YOU is my favorite phrase and I can recite it just like Taraji P. Henson from Baby Boy. In reality I do not hate my male friend at all. Honestly I was feeling… oooh what is this feeling: vulnerability, humility, unwrapped, exposed, naked…

Although I have tried
I tried not liking him every time I saw him with someone else, every time he smiled when he said hello, every time he tried to engage me in conversation. I tried hating him and I put on the worst of faces every time he came around. His voice is loud and distinctive and I have this unbelievable ear for recognizing voices and I contorted up this screw face every time he came around. Of course I looked like a fool hating someone who is unbelievably nice, helpful, and mannerable.


I still really really love you
I do – I admit it. The reverse of the hate I conjured up inside of me was really love for this man. We may not have the relationship that we once had years ago but through the distance, through the years, through not speaking at all, the genuineness of true love remained. I love how we connected so easily, how our talks were so fluid and our laughter and smiles brightened many rooms.
I only want what’s best for him and I had to realize that I may very well not be the best woman for him. Boy did that hurt but it also helped to set me free.

Love is stronger than pride
Love is really stronger than pride. Absolutely. After I released the words from my heart, admitting my feelings to myself and to him, love overtook everything - my speech, my actions and my overall demeanor. No longer did I come across as a hardened woman to him and most of all I was no longer hardened to myself. Love broke down my pride and I stopped playing the victim. I stopped pointing my finger. How could I not love this man, my friend, my brother but call myself a “Real Deal” woman? My pride hindered me from doing a lot over the years but I would not allow it to hinder me from being a friend to a man who wanted friendship – a friendship that I truly, truly missed.

I still really really love you
We were a couple once, but first and foremost we were the coolest of cool friends. I remember our late night conversations on the phone, the times he spent over my house, the ice cream cake he bought me for Valentine’s Day, the gift he brought me back from Las Vegas. I remember our first date and the first movie we went to see, Finding Forrester, and I remember eating at Applebee’s. I remember when I told him a secret that I had such a hard time talking about then and I remember crying, I remember him consoling me. I remember when kissing him took my breath away and made me quiver and cry at the same time. I remember when he confronted me because he thought I was interested in someone he knew and I remember the intense look in his eyes that spoke volumes to me, saying "I don’t want to share you with anyone else" - he was the only one. I remember Wednesday, September 12, 2001 when in the tail end of tragedy our relationship was also collapsing and I remember trying so hard and wanting so badly to save it but I remember feeling helpless and alone. I remember in late 2001 while snow fell, I saw him standing and talking with someone else and knowing that our relationship was officially over. I remember sitting in his car about 6 months after, drunk and crying asking him to leave her and start over with me. I remember him telling me that he couldn’t do that, but I remember looking into his eyes knowing that he was thinking about it. I remember in May of this year when he told me he was getting married to the woman I saw him standing in the snow with and I wondered if I knew or felt then that she would be his wife now.
I released all of the wrongs we committed but I admitted that I had just one regret - not communicating my true feelings when they were at their peak. In my heart of hearts I know we would never work as a couple but I missed out on years of having him around and his kind words, infectious laughter and positivity. I made a vow to myself to effectively communicate with my partner - the good and the bad because I do not want to have these regrets again.
I finally forgave myself for being prideful, regretful, shallow and now me & my male friend are trying to reestablish a coolest of cool friendship.


Thursday, September 13, 2007

The Library: A Novel

One of these days I am going to write a novel. No a series of novels... a saga. And the series is going to be called The Library.
I happen to work in a library and yes it was my life's dream to work here. I always get this question from people: "What made you want to work in a library?" It's just like working in a department store, at a bank or a school. No one asks a teacher, "What make you want to work at a school?" Somehow working at a library is synonymous to.... I don't know... working at a church. ?!?!?!
So yes library work may not be the most exciting work but it all depends on what area of the library you work in and it depends on personal likings. I happen to enjoy what I do but on the upside, this library happens to be a regular Peyton Place, which motivates me to want to write my novel.
I'm having a hard time of where to start. There's secret love affairs, workplace violence, angry bosses, tantrums, fire hazardish cubicles, suicidical workers, insane co-workers, stalkers, sexual harrassment charges, regular ole harrassment charges and maybe some other things people would not expect to happen in a library setting. But then again, you may...