Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Love is Stronger Than Pride

Love is Stronger Than Pride (Sade)

I won't pretend that I intend to stop living
Not too long ago I thought that my life was on the brink of end. I wanted it to end because I was longing for someone from my past and life to me was just too unfair to continue living. I wasn’t suicidal however my everyday thinking became “what if” instead of “it is”. I thought back to 6 years ago and all of the things I should have said, should have done, the ways I should have acted. But slowly and surely I started to be grateful for what I already have and stopped looking outward for things and this man that I did not have.

I won't pretend I'm good at forgiving
I’m awful with forgiving and understanding and call me Drama Queen because I know all too well how to bring the drama. But I’ve been holding on to a hurt for the past 6 years thinking that it wasn’t affecting me when in reality it was eating away at me. Because of this hurt I thought that everything he said and did was to hurt me, humiliate me - when in reality all he wanted was my friendship, honestly. And forget about all of the other relationships that I helped to destroy because I didn’t know how to release my old hurts… I didn’t even realize I was hurting.

But I can't hate you
I HATE YOU is my favorite phrase and I can recite it just like Taraji P. Henson from Baby Boy. In reality I do not hate my male friend at all. Honestly I was feeling… oooh what is this feeling: vulnerability, humility, unwrapped, exposed, naked…

Although I have tried
I tried not liking him every time I saw him with someone else, every time he smiled when he said hello, every time he tried to engage me in conversation. I tried hating him and I put on the worst of faces every time he came around. His voice is loud and distinctive and I have this unbelievable ear for recognizing voices and I contorted up this screw face every time he came around. Of course I looked like a fool hating someone who is unbelievably nice, helpful, and mannerable.


I still really really love you
I do – I admit it. The reverse of the hate I conjured up inside of me was really love for this man. We may not have the relationship that we once had years ago but through the distance, through the years, through not speaking at all, the genuineness of true love remained. I love how we connected so easily, how our talks were so fluid and our laughter and smiles brightened many rooms.
I only want what’s best for him and I had to realize that I may very well not be the best woman for him. Boy did that hurt but it also helped to set me free.

Love is stronger than pride
Love is really stronger than pride. Absolutely. After I released the words from my heart, admitting my feelings to myself and to him, love overtook everything - my speech, my actions and my overall demeanor. No longer did I come across as a hardened woman to him and most of all I was no longer hardened to myself. Love broke down my pride and I stopped playing the victim. I stopped pointing my finger. How could I not love this man, my friend, my brother but call myself a “Real Deal” woman? My pride hindered me from doing a lot over the years but I would not allow it to hinder me from being a friend to a man who wanted friendship – a friendship that I truly, truly missed.

I still really really love you
We were a couple once, but first and foremost we were the coolest of cool friends. I remember our late night conversations on the phone, the times he spent over my house, the ice cream cake he bought me for Valentine’s Day, the gift he brought me back from Las Vegas. I remember our first date and the first movie we went to see, Finding Forrester, and I remember eating at Applebee’s. I remember when I told him a secret that I had such a hard time talking about then and I remember crying, I remember him consoling me. I remember when kissing him took my breath away and made me quiver and cry at the same time. I remember when he confronted me because he thought I was interested in someone he knew and I remember the intense look in his eyes that spoke volumes to me, saying "I don’t want to share you with anyone else" - he was the only one. I remember Wednesday, September 12, 2001 when in the tail end of tragedy our relationship was also collapsing and I remember trying so hard and wanting so badly to save it but I remember feeling helpless and alone. I remember in late 2001 while snow fell, I saw him standing and talking with someone else and knowing that our relationship was officially over. I remember sitting in his car about 6 months after, drunk and crying asking him to leave her and start over with me. I remember him telling me that he couldn’t do that, but I remember looking into his eyes knowing that he was thinking about it. I remember in May of this year when he told me he was getting married to the woman I saw him standing in the snow with and I wondered if I knew or felt then that she would be his wife now.
I released all of the wrongs we committed but I admitted that I had just one regret - not communicating my true feelings when they were at their peak. In my heart of hearts I know we would never work as a couple but I missed out on years of having him around and his kind words, infectious laughter and positivity. I made a vow to myself to effectively communicate with my partner - the good and the bad because I do not want to have these regrets again.
I finally forgave myself for being prideful, regretful, shallow and now me & my male friend are trying to reestablish a coolest of cool friendship.


1 comment:

Grace said...

I put my heart into my comment only to have it deleted... I wasn't a "member" out here. Sorry, I can't write it again. Just to say it was a God thing to have accidently found this... I thank you very much for words I needed to hear.