Thursday, January 29, 2009

Oprah Know She Said...

Okay, now since O came out about her weight, she's been complaining. Or venting. Or simply telling her story. Over the past year we've all noticed the bulge and I personally think as women, our weight naturally fluctuates due to hormones, life and stress.

Hey Oprah! - ISH happens!

Yesterday I caught her show and she just happened to be sitting kinda irregular. Her arms covered her midriff and she sat on her right side the entire time. Now she already put her numbers out there, why is she still trying to hide her pudge?

She's not the 1st to gain back weight and she won't be the last. A few years back MadTV joked about her having a "skinny" camera that took away the poundage as opposed to the other cameras that packed it on. I've been thinking... with a personal chef, personal trainer, and a personal stylist, she has no reason not to stay on point. But then again, she's like most of us and most of us who go through life's changes and shemotions, would probably dismiss our personal people after awhile and handle business as best as we know how. She probably said...

To her personal chef, Oprah probably said…

At breakfast time...
"I’m feeling slightly melancholy, this morning I think I’ll have a cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese and jelly, a hot chocolate and a banana for my potassium…"
Instead of saying... "Yum, bran cereal again!"

At lunch time...
"Don’t worry about lunch, Gayle is picking me up a hoagie from Blimpies…"
Instead of saying... "Yum, green salad and bland grilled chicken with nooooo dressing!"

At dinner time...
Oh thank you but I picked up an Entenmanns’s cake on my way in… and I'll eat this while sitting in front of the TV...
Instead of saying... "Yum, baked fish and veggies!"

To her personal trainer, Oprah probably said…

"When we come back around that corner, can we stop in Burger King? I'm feeling like a sausage croissant this morning?"
Instead of saying... "Let's walk another half a mile, me and Gayle had a big dinner last night."

"No I'm not putting on weight, I'm just bloated silly!
Instead of saying... "Well you know Stedman bought home some chocolate cake last night and I kinda ate the whole thing, except for the slice I gave to Sted."

"Absolutely not, I am not doing another 30 minutes on this treadmill!"
Instead of saying... "I'm sure you can tell by my heavy breathing that I'm tired and packing on the pounds, perhaps we should try another type of workout for motivation."

To her personal stylist, Oprah probably said…

"Ummm, no more pastel colored suits in size 10s, ok?"
Instead of saying... "It's quite obvious that I'm not pushing away plates so can you please bring me a couple of size 14s for me to try on? In BLACK please."

"Ummm, no more form fitting lycra dresses, ok?"
Instead of saying... "I'm going to need 2 pairs of Spanx and a long sweater to cover the backside, please, thank you."

"No more white, winter white or knit, no more, ok?"
Instead of saying... "I can wear denim, wools, heavy cottons and long flowy shirts, got that? Thanks!"

Of course I'm only poking fun and making Oprah out to be grumpy. Why? Because we are all grumpy when our clothes no longer fit and we look at ourselves in the mirror and can't stand what we see. But really, Oprah has a stylist who can hook her up and over the years, she's still looked fabulous and I'm sure once she figures out what's holding her back from keeping her on her road to fitness, she'll be back on the cover of her magazine, baring it all for the world to see.

By the way, Happy Birthday Oprah!!!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

... Like That

I was over at True Urban Queen's Queendom earlier today and she posted on one of my favorite movies. Back in 2005 Oprah produced the movie adaptation of Their Eyes Were Watching God, and just as I was captivated in 1994 when I first read the novel written by the esteemed Zora Neale Hurston, I was blown away by the visual portrayal.

I always wanted a man like...
Teacake. Carefree. Confident. Courageous. Oh Teacake seemed like a big ole mistake in the making and although he was 12 years younger than Janie, he was a man's man. In the movie when he told her that they will live off of the money that he makes... Shoot, that's exactly what I was referring to a couple of weeks ago when I posted on my future superman.

I always wanted a love like...
The fervency in which Teacake loved Janie. It wasn't about status or titles. It wasn't about Janie's looks or how much money she had. Their love manifested itself in their freedom to be, grow and flow with each other. I've always wanted someone I can be free with. Someone who seemingly freed me. Someone I can be me with and not worry about the upkeep of my hair or my nails or my outer beautifications.

Lastly, I've always wanted...

A kiss like...

That kiss... takes my breath away every time I see it.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Little Boom

This is my Little Boom. He's my play cousin's youngest of 4, and only son, and my Auntie V's grandson. I pray Boom Sr. stops overpopulating the planet with chirren. I would swoop this bundle of joy from him but he's only got one boy and I wouldn't want to hurt his father like that.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Message From the Universe

Just to be extra clear, there is absolutely no connection between the global economy and your freedom to think as you please. Nor is there any connection between the global economy and my ability to shock and delight, suddenly and without warning.
I think that pretty much takes care of everything,

The Universe

Friday, January 23, 2009

Random Words I Type

"I don't just want to have a boyfriend-I could have five boyfriends. I want someone who is part of my destiny." India.Arie -Essence, June 2002

I have an on the job friend who offers to take me to lunch, offers to pay my cell phone bill, and just last year offered take me to Paris. I'm sure he's a wonderful man and I could accept the material gifts he has to offer but right now that's not enough.

I ended my 4 year relationship last year and started up a new rendezvous that I believe has suffered its last fizzle just today. I'm okay with putting my past to bed and I'm moving forward to the better that life offers because I've learned to appreciate myself and damnit, I deserve it.

When I hung up with my friend who was making demands on me yet not carrying any weight or making his presence known in this relationship, that experience only reinforced how great and wonderful I truly am. I have no reason to settle.

I believe that compromises should be made in relationships. You have to carve out time that you would normally spend with your girls or time spent with your boys but one demand I will never adhere to... Quieting my voice.

For the next dude who comes my way... Please know that I love and appreciate chivalry but that's only the beginning. You have to be emotionally stable, financially responsible and doing a great job prioritizing your life, i.e. spending quality time with your child/children.

I have standards and for the first time in years I'm truly going to stick to them. I love The Happy Go Lucky Bachelor's Deal Breakers. Everyone should have and know what their deal breakers are. And keep to them. Why should anyone settle for less just to say that they have?

I am an established, stable woman. For me, it's only up from here. If you're still trying to find and redefine yourself and you're over 35 years of age, I am not your type of woman. That is not to say that there is no room for growth or to improve oneself. That should be done daily.

When I read India.Arie's article in Essence almost 7 years ago, that comment above has stuck with me since. I too want someone who is part of the intricacies of me, my growing, my aging, my creativity - finding joy in just getting to know and loving me.

But not right now...

I'm still bursting from the excitement that this new year has already brought in. Already this month, I'm doing new things and living purposefully. Plus I LOVE spending time alone. Sure it would be nice to have someone to go to events with or someone waiting at home for me to tell about my day. However, when the time is right, I know my destiny man will come along and I'll be ready for him when he arrives.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Superwoman needs a Superman

I make no bones about it, I don't even pretend to be anything other than what I am.
I'm a big girl.
I've posted my pics a couple of times and it's not hard to see.
I own my weight and as I've said before, I looooooooove my shape.

Do you see those hips?

But when it comes to men, I happen to be attracted to tall, husky, robust men. I'm an equal opportunity dater and personality trumps looks anyday but my eyes glaze over significantly and my heart thumps fervently over a well built man.
I suppose I simply want to feel like the man in my life can protect me. And that really has nothing to do with size or shape but it has everything to do with his frame of mind.

Let's just say that my door bells rings in the middle of the night. My man is over at my place. He looks at me as if to say, "Who's at your door?". I look back as if to say, "T'hell if I know, it's 2:00 in the d*mn morning!". Why should I be the one to go to the door to see who's there while my man, who is well and able-bodied, sleeps comfortably in my bed? Now suppose it's some crazy dude at my door? Some maniac coming to attack? Who better to handle some mess in the middle of the night than a big ole strong and burly man?!?!

No bruh, I a need Melvin from "Baby Boy" or a Mann from "Rosewood"! Figuratively and/or literally. I need a take charge kind of a man who can allow this superwoman to take off her cape and just be a lady, a damsel in distress.

I don't need Neyo writing no songs for me. Alicia Keys, though I like her music, I don't care to hear another song about another independent superwoman. I think those songs affect men in all of the wrong ways because when I need some security and protection, that a true man should supply, in no way do I want to positive self-talk myself into handling some crazy behind situation that is beyond my grip.

This Superwoman needs a Superman - I should have added that to my love list.
In every sense, I will be the Lois to his Clark.

Now I know nobody wants to get hurt and I'm not saying that my man should engage in brawls or have weapons stashed on his person. I'm not saying that a man should never show emotion or cry or express himself. I'm definitely not talking a man being overly tough or thuggish, brutish.

But I am saying... Leave out machismo. A man should be responsible and speak up for his lady, defend his lady - not if he has to but because he has to.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

It's less than 1.00%!

Ok, today I received my paycheck and I don't even open it. I really don't open any of my checks so I really don't know what bi-weekly pay looks like. That's bad because the establishment could be jipping me and I wouldn't even know until I go to pay my bills.

Shortly after receiving the check I receive an email stating that our raises from 2008 are reflected in this current check. NOW I'm excited! I'm ripping off the perforations, busting the check open all wrong, 'cause I don't know how, and I look at the total. I don't see a difference.

So I go online to look at my bank account to see what my salary usually is.

The difference is $10.35

I'm grateful, I really am. But I'm not excited. People were doing back flips after reading the email. Cartwheels over the book trucks. You could hear hooping and hollering in the hallways. Clearly we did not see the 0.##%, we just saw raise. I received an IM from one of my buddies. He says "Yeeeeaaaaa! A raise!" My reply was - "You can't be serious!"

Yes we library workers are some starving folk and since we're unionized, we don't receive annual salary increases. :( I knew exactly what I was getting into when I entered this profession. So we just wait out the 3 to 4 years for an increase and go berserk for the large retroactive check. However, next pay period we're supposed to receive our retroactive monies. I guess then I'll join the masses, doing back spins on the library floor.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Rereading... Shawne Johnson

I remember when I first bought "Getting Our Breath Back" back in 2004.

I remember reading about Violet, Lilly and Rose, three sisters, and Imani and thinking to myself that I've never read a book with words that flowed like song lyrics, like poetry, with sentences that would have the scribbly lines underneath them if I typed them in MS Word.

I remember 5 years ago when I thought I was happy in a relationship that consisted of us drinking liquor and smoking cigarettes just to have something to talk about.

I remember bringing this book home to read to him and explaining to him how hard it was for me to read it because of the way it flowed, my mind couldn't comprehend it.

I remember how he said, "Yeah that's deep baby", just a response as empty as our involvement.

I remember thinking that if I ever penned a novel, I wanted to write just as eloquently as Shawne Johnson.

It's no coincidence that I picked up this book again after 5 years. It has been my favorite reading of my 20s and one of many favorites now that I'm in my 30s. As I've come to appreciate my sisterfriends, my mothers and just women in general, I so appreciate this work as it speaks of womanhood, of strength, of love, of beauty.

As I'm rereading it now, I am no longer confused by the run of Ms. Johnson's words. I smile each time I read a paragraph such as where Rose is describing to her daughter, Imani, how being pretty doesn't mean much because "...pretty just is. That's all". And then I sit in awe after the Imani chapter because Shawne Johnson has managed to connect a heart with no body to a child with no father.

At least that's my interpretation...

Five years later and I am no longer confused... I can feel where I have matured, how I have learned so much more about myself, how more comfortable I am in my being. I feel how I connect with Violet, Lilly and with Rose. I can feel even more now that I've kicked my bad relationship, smoking and terrible drinking habits.

I'm pretty sure that if I reread this any other time other than this, my eyes would have passed over the words, I would have taken the story in but not like this. Maybe more deeply, maybe surface. I probably would have thought Violet to be weak, judged Lilly harshly and thought Rose too selfish. Or maybe I would identify more with Violet, be empathic of Lilly, and fascinated with Rose. I truly can't say for sure but I know this time I experience that range of feelings.

I always remembered the plot and how the story ends. I remember Lilly and her striking expressions. I remember how each time she speaks, she's poetic and dreamy. I remember the artistic Rose and her gem of a daughter. An even more prominent connection I feel with this story is remembering how Black Power pulses through each passage and each chapter and now in the throws of this inauguration, now as we're facing tough financial times, now when a BART officer murders a young man, we are still need that Power, that power that is sometimes frightened, proud, discouraged, victimized, abused, elevated, celebrated... power that is "like a prayer"... power that is a current, a fuel and a balm for our souls.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I Want To Believe...

I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.

The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...

Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?

More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.

The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.

A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.

I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.

I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.

I just need to trust what is.

Random Words I Type... My 1st post for '09

I have been on vacation from work since December 23rd and I'm in no hurry to return, although my 1st day back will be Monday, January 12th. *sigh*

I sit in front of a PC all damned day and though I've been side eyeing my PC at home since I've been on vacation this is the 1st since the New Year that I've decided to type and catch up on blog reading.

I missed this.

Vacation has afforded me the opportunity to rearrange and clean up my home. I've shopped. I've gone to the movies (The Curious Case of Benjamin Button). I've repainted my kitchen a brilliant yellow. My home is airy, spacey and refreshed.

I've been reading. I've been writing. I've been watching TV (Oprah, Bravo, TLC and yes even some Lifetime).

I've been feeling Musiq's new CD On My Radio and Alice Smith's For Lover's, Dreamers & Me.

I've been reading Crystelle Mourning and O Magazine.

I've been writing short stories about women on the rebound. You know I'm single now and anyone I meet is bound to be my rebound dude....

I must admit that I've been enjoying the company of a special friend. He could be a rebound dude or he could be the real deal. It all remains to be seen and we're having so much fun.

I've been jotting down my monthly list of fun things to do. It's my goal this year to escape the rat race. I want to live each day purposefully even if I'm laying on my couch watching TV - may I watch a meaningful program that will edify me.

All in all, I've been relaxing and taking time away from everything, taking care of me.