I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.
The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...
Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?
More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.
The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.
A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.
I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.
I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.
I just need to trust what is.
13 comments:
"I just need to trust what is" A more real statement has never been uttered. I think after we have been hurt so much, we kind of EXPECT to be hurt and spend time looking for the "angle" instead of trusting that just maybe he is what he says he is and what we have is what it seems to be. If it looks like a couple, functions like a couple no matter what you call it, it's a couple. The only real title that matters is husband/wife anyway. Besides if a man is going to cheat, no title will stop him.
I figured out awhile ago, that if you go looking for dirt, you're probably going to find it.
It also dawned on me that part of why I was so focused on whether my man was cheating was based, in part, on my insecurity that perhaps or probably someone else had something better than what I have to offer.
I agree with you, people cheat for all sorts of reasons, that often have very little to do with the person they are with. So, it becomes an exercise in futility to try and "stop" someone or control their actions to minimize cheating.
In order to maintain MY peace of mind, I prefer to focus on loving myself and him the best I know to do.
What he chooses to do with my gift (and believe me, if I give you my heart, it IS a gift, and you will treat it with the reverence that deserves) falls solely on him.
I think your dead on with this one. But its hard not to be a skeptic when so many relationships have gone sour because of cheating and you're just hoping and praying that yours isn't going to make that same turn for the worst.
I know its all about bettering oneself and being secure in knowing how valueable we are as women but its hard not to be a bit shaken or anxious about a relationship with a man. You want to do all the things that he wants /pleases him to keep him from straying but no matter what it doesn't seem like its possible.
So I say kudos to you for trusing with what is... can you pass some of that on to me here cause I need some of that wisdom
MzNewy... The only real title that matters is husband/wife anyway. Wise words. A lot of us expect the worst to happen and just like the laws of attraction, the worst suddenly appears.
Kiaya... I so agree with your comment. That negative thinking has everything to do with insecurity. We wouldn't have a bunch of questions or suspicions based on facts. And you're absolutely right Sis, your heart, your love is positively a gift.
Liryc... Trusting is a process, especially if you've been hurt in the past but it's necessary when you want to have a successful, loving relationship.
Hey Boo!
Don't we all want to know that?
You give your best - and they give what you think is the best - yet they cheat?
People do what they want to do - and thats the end of that - ya know - all I can control is myself - and that is my focus!!!
XOXO
With finding my inner strength I had to really work on this one. I belive the only person you can control is yourself. Being paranoid and waiting on the other shoe to drop is hard and exhausting work!
You know the saying If you always do what you've always done, then you will always get what you've always got.
When we become what we want, we will attract those type of people to us. Insecurity attracts insecurity. And once you find your confidence and your level of maturity you can pick up on those little things you use to ignore.
People will always show you little signs in the beginning of who they really are, our job is to believe them.
*Sorry for posting in your comments, but I've been working on this one
Ticia... Exactly Sis. We expect the worst to happen and then we want to call all of our girlfriends crying and venting when or if something goes wrong. It's high time we focus on ourselves and have good expectations.
Kay C... Amen Sis. Feel free. You can post in the comments section anytime you want! People will always show you little signs in the beginning of who they really are, our job is to believe them. I couldn't agree more.
great post!
insecurities are a beast especially when you have had them so long that you can't even rememeber who planted that seed of doubt in your head.
i don't believe all men cheat and i don't believe all women cheat. but i had to learn this the hard way after losing someone good right after being involved with a known cheater.
and like most have stated. you have to focus on yourself because that is the only person you can control or change.. the other stuff is small because what is done in the dark will eventually come to light so you don't have to waste your time looking for it
There is only Love or Fear.
You have to decide which is what you want. I am not suggesting being stupid. You know what I write about. And I know the opposite of love is not hate...but fear. You must choose to love...just as you choose to be afraid. Being insecure...afraid is your choice. No one can make you those things. No one can make you stay where there is no real love.
We all know when love exists. Do not settle for crumbs and do not settle for less than you are giving. Love openly and without abandon.
There is only Love or fear...
Truthz... It truly goes back to the laws of attraction, you attract what your energy sends forth. It could be negative or positive, it's all a choice.
Lovebabz... YOU AIN'T NEVER LIED! I appreciate your comment and for sharing your truth. If you only knew... what you said is in alignment with so much right now. Everyday I can post on Love vs. Fear!
this is a good one girl. Like, for real, this so where I am. I think it goes with insecurities (I believe lovebabz referenced fear). As much as we want to trust, we have to learn to trust and believe that trust is very precious and treat it such. I was just telling a friend of mine that I fear what I would do in my next relationship because of my previous ones have been dysfunctional. I honestly wonder if I would screw it up or push him away because it was a good thing and not realize it.
Interesting post, but, you left out a most important word: some. Peace.
Bad girls club is horrible - I use to watch it - but its too much!!!
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