real or imagined - a repost & revamp...

I have a friend who was in love with Jay-Z. Not just like being a fan and having every album, poster or t-shirt with his face on it. Even more than that. She was in a relationship with him, yet, she never met him...

She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up.  If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real.  I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.

Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.

**********

I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined? 

Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before.  I wrote this post before.  I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments.  And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.
 
Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love

Freedom...

This time last year, with a heavy heart and reluctance, I ended a four-year committed relationship. It was a struggle for me... leaving the comfortable, the familiar, in search of... journeying to where...


I can tell you that my relationship was far from peaches or cream, for more that half of its span. We loved each other and we depended on each other but the connection that forms between lovers either never formed or was long ago broken and we never tried to fix it.


As we said our good-byes, that was our opportunity to make or break but neither one of us had the energy to give or the humility to admit our wrongs.


Another man had re-entered my life before my break-up and the possibility of being with him warmed my heart. Everything between me and him happened so fast. Within a day, we professed love. The connection I craved in my four-year relationship, I had in this new relationship instantly... we just didn't see the cracks nor the blemishes. But at first glance he was perfect, everything I dreamed of in a life partner, the answer to my silent prayers. But just like a rebound he slowly fizzled from my life.


It was then that I decided that I would remain single for the year or longer, if necessary... and as life would have it, another man re-entered my life. Now this involvement is so different than any other... it is far from fast paced and just the speed needed for me to clear my clutter, heal my heart and reconnect to all I lost and compromised from being committed. Oh I know that compromise and loss aren't necessarily the norm when you enter into loveship... I even forgot that loveship can be and should be easy.


It has taken me almost a year to find out that all I wanted and craved I couldn't find in a new relationship or with any man. It has taken me this long to see that money, nor any other things, places or people held the answers I sought. In fact leaving my relationship granted me freedom... I am free to think, feel, say, look, taste, touch, smile, laugh, play, sing, dance, write, read, pray... I am free to be neat, a slob, cook, don't cook, sleep, stay awake, clean up, stay dirty... I can and I do whatever I want... whatever I feel.

Freedom feels great! No, better than great... it's almost orgasmic! And now that I've got this chance to reclaim it, I savor it... and with my next go-round, I will be reluctant to release it... but my prayer is that with my next go-round, releasing it won't even be an option...

Tell Him... Validation

The other day I was having a conversation with my brother. He tells me of one afternoon when he and his wife were sitting on the couch, enjoying a movie. A question rose within him and he turns to his wife and asks.. "Am I your prince?". Her response to him was... "If you gave me what I want, when I want it, however I may want it, then you'd be my prince. So to answer your question... No, you're not." My brother was devastated. I was hurt just from listening to him retell the story. I really wanna choke out his wife but... The therapist in me asks... "Well, how did that make you feel?" His response was... "Insignificant" (I am paraphrasing, just so you know). We continued talking and he goes on to tell me that all he wanted in that moment was to be validated.

"Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and

Tell him..."

We've all been there... asking our lovers, partners, "How do I look today?", "Am I pretty?", "Am I fine?", "Do I captivate you?". Sometimes we doubt ourselves, question our worth, question what we're giving to the relationship and we ask questions like, "Am I all you ever wanted?", "Do I make you happy?", "Are you satisfied?", "Content?". For some who've been going through hell in their personal lives and in their relationships, we long to hear reassurances, validations, just a little something to provide some wind to our wings.

I wished like hell my brother would have married a woman who would have said to him... "Prince? To hell with that! You're my King! You are beyond that!" Everybody at some point wants to feel like they are top shelf, first choice, the King/Prince... Queen/Princess in someone's life. While me and my brother talked, I reassured him, reminding him of the qualities he brings to the marriage, reminding him that he's a good man... but I know he didn't care to hear that from his little sister.

We finally got off the phone and I thought it over for days after... Of course I was fuming because no one messes with my big bro, not even his wife... but then my compassionate side spoke and said to me... She does not know how...

"Now I may have faith to make mountains fall

But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all

I can give away everything I possess

But left without love then I have no happiness

I know I'm imperfect & not without sin

But now that I'm older all childish things end

And tell him..."

I want to believe that if she knew what he wanted to hear, she would have answered that question differently. I want to believe that she's got her issues that does not allow her to address the emotional needs of her husband... And let's face it, it's hard to believe that men even have an emotional side. Women are the emotional species and men are the rational, devoid of emotion. We assume that because they are physically stronger, they are emotionally strong too. That's simply not the case.

Men need to be encouraged just as women do. They want compliments, support, and affection. They may not ask for it or demand it like a woman does... but when we love them, we must love them as we love ourselves...

"Tell him I need him

Tell him I love him

And it'll be alright"

Music Backdrop: "Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill

Pacing Myself...

Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.

I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...

Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.

The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.

I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.

Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.

I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...


*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison

Daytime Drama...

"A soap opera is an ongoing, episodic work of dramatic fiction..."

When I stay home from work and I remember to, I tune into my soaps. I live in NYC and I watch what I call my channel 7 joints... All My Children, One Life to Live and sometimes General Hospital.

It's not hard to get caught up on the goings on when you miss a couple of shows. The storylines are usually the same... romance, secret romance, attempts to destroy an existing or potential romance...

Also Cablevision, here in New York, has Soapnet so I can always catch missed episodes in the evenings... if I wanted to.

With so much going on... work... church... friends... social life... and my other shows, I hardly think about Soapnet, Erica Kane, Nicky/Vicky, Adam nor Chandler.

But you know... the workplace is the location for many budding, potential romances and just as those filmed and aired on TV daily, they are filled with DRAMA.

A little drama, I believe, is good for the soul. Library work, can be monotonous and there's nothing like a little speculation and love endeavor to shake up the boredom.

For instance there is this intrigue with a couple here at work. A supervisor and a subordinate. You have the supervisor, the female in this story. She's a cougar, crazy in love, head over heels. Then there's the subordinate, the male in this story. The younger, buffed up catch and he's running circles around his supervisor. They are both married to other people and trying to hide their trysts from everyone - their spouses and the fellow staffers - except... everyone knows. Drama.

2 years ago when they would run off with each other and sneak into dark quiet places where there are no cameras, everyone was tuned into their rendezvous. Now it's 2 years later and they're still up to their antics so much so hardly no one is interested anymore.

Except the devoted few.

When I used to go to Dominican salons, their TVs were always channeled to Telenovelas and even with my limited Spanish speaking and hearing, I would get caught up in their sagas.

But you know what? Most Telenovelas have a limited run. After about 120 episodes, the saga ends.

This is how I feel about this daytime drama at the job. My favorite soap opera characters don't even exist to me if I am not tuned in. Like I said before, I have much on my plate than worrying about my Ch. 7 joints or the drama at the job. But those devoted few keep that 120 episodic on-the-job saga going for an extra 400 days! And counting...

"... thus the shows were aimed at and consumed by a predominantly female audience."

My dad worked evenings and nights and I would watch the soaps with him over the summers or when out of school. We never had "Post All My Children" chats or "What do you think will be next with Asa?" talks. Back before judge shows went up against the soaps or Cable TV emerged, all there was to watch was soap operas so it wasn't weird that he watched them. However I do find it weird when men keep daytime drama whirling.

Now my best "girlfriends" have been men and what I mean by that is that my best confidantes and advice givers. But when I want to shoot the crap, men bash and gutter gossip, I head to my catty women friends not the dude who knows the ins and outs of the latest dish. Or better yet, the dude who keeps the drama alive runs to me... OH!

Like I said, perhaps our work drives us to sheer boredom and we all, men and women, crave something so that we're not nodding off at our desks. But in the spirit of telenovelas, can we create another storyline? New characters? And most of all... an ending...?

'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.

I Want To Believe...

I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.

The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...

Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?

More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.

The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.

A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.

I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.

I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.

I just need to trust what is.

Why Fight?

I should have learned my lesson with Stephan.
One semester we were fighting like lovers.
The next semester he was in a wheel chair.
And the following semester he was dead.
Just like that.
And I never got to apologize,
Nor tell him how much I loved him,
I never got to say goodbye.

When life is all too fragile and short,
Why fight?

Why fight?
When I love you,
Even when the smoothness leaves your voice,
When you threaten to delete me from your phone
And disappear from my life,
Knowing it would break my heart

Why fight?
When you love me,
Even when I puff up like a dude
And the words from your mouth,
Sound like Charlie Brown's teacher,
And I turn my cold back to you.

Why fight?
When all we have is the moment we're in,
Not the past,
And how can we even foresee the future?
When we've wanted each other for years,
And finally have the opportunity
Why now are we fighting,
And afraid?

Girl, Let It Go!

I get to the train station this morning and I just missed my train. That was cool because I was a little earlier than usual, which is slightly strange for me. I used to be late in 2007 but I'm striving to be on time in '08.
However I'm on the platform and I happen to look over and there's Keyana, this chick who I went to Jr. High School with. She's mean mugging me, looking me up and down and it eventually ends with an eye roll. I've seen Keyana since we've graduated from Jr. High but it's been about 15 years since the last time I've seen her. She hasn't changed much and I recognized her immediately because she's an amazon. I'm not making fun of tall women. I happen to be 5'5" and Keyana is 6' but she was that tall in Jr. High and you know she got teased.
I laugh very loud, especially when I am caught off guard. I was prepared to smile, wave hello or something but the mean face and eye roll... my laugh echoed all over the platform. It's crazy that Keyana has a 19 year grudge. Ohmygoodness, I graduated from Jr. High School almost 19 years ago... I digress.
So almost 19 years ago, Keyana was going steady with this dude named Lance. Everybody knew they were together and if they had children, lemme tell you their kids would be giants! Lance is well over 6 feet, probably like 6'5" or 6'6" because he towered over Keyana. Anyway, Lance and I were in the same class and we were friends until he and Keyana took a break from each other. One night he calls me and asks me if I would like to be his girlfriend. My mind kept screaming out "heck naw girl, you know he goes with Keyana and they will always be together" but my mouth said "I'll think about it, if you and Keyana are still broken up in 2 weeks, call me and I'll say yes". Two weeks later, Lance calls, I say yes. Exactly 5 days into our relationship, my friend Darren comes over to me in gym and tells me that Lance is breaking up with me to get back with Keyana. My heart broke. You know I fell in love during those 5 days and me and Lance were supposed to have some tall babies of our own but I kept my composure until I got home so me and Lance can have a chit chat over the phone. I called him and lo and behold Keyana is over at his house, probably doing some heavy making up. She grabs the phone and proceeds to curse me out. I can't imagine what she said verbatim but I can imagine she told me to "leave her man alone, don't call him, blah, blah, blah". I had to see Lance again. We had the same homeroom and most of our classes together. I was not arguing back with her, Lance and her were unbreakable back then and I was stupid to think that me and him would have a real relationship. I remember apologizing to her. I told her that I didn't mean to meddle but I just called because I wanted to talk to Lance. She cursed me out again and we hung up on each other.
I called my homies who were all in high school because something told me that Keyana was going to start a fight with me the next day. Everyone was prepared to meet me at 2:30 p.m. just in case someone in Keyana's posse (yes, we called our crews posses then) was gonna try to jump me. I talk a lot of mess, then and now, but I don't run from no fight so I was prepared for big ole Key, I was about 10 deep. Keyana rolls up, she's looming over me asking if I told someone I was gonna beat her up. I told her that I didn't tell anybody that I wanted to fight her but I warned her that if she looked like she was about to hit me, I would be forced to knock her down. She moved out of my way and with the push of her crew, came back to block me. We played this game about 3 times before I screamed in her face that I wasn't going to fight her over Lance or no other man. I didn't have a problem with her but if she insisted I would fight her for harassing me. Me and Keyana didn't fight that day but we never spoke again and today was a reminder of that.
Let me clarify that me and Keyana were not friends at all. I didn't steal her man. I wasn't even having sex back then so that wasn't a factor. I guess it was just the principle of the whole thing. As long as we attended Jr. High, Lance was hers and no other girl was supposed to have him. I got over it quickly. The day after, I was fine but of course the story was out and everybody was talking about how me and Keyana were about to fight over Lance, which is exactly what I didn't want to happen but hey. I thank you Keyana for a hearty morning laugh and reminiscence. I know I should have gone over to her and spoken for the sake of it but I couldn't. After the laugh I just kept chuckling, smiling and thinking about how short that darn relationship was. I remember we started on a Friday and broke up on Tuesday. There were no kisses, no love letters, no walks home, we were boyfriend and girlfriend in name only and before I blinked my eyes, we were over. My head is shaking from side to side as I conclude...