Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tell Him... Validation

The other day I was having a conversation with my brother. He tells me of one afternoon when he and his wife were sitting on the couch, enjoying a movie. A question rose within him and he turns to his wife and asks.. "Am I your prince?". Her response to him was... "If you gave me what I want, when I want it, however I may want it, then you'd be my prince. So to answer your question... No, you're not." My brother was devastated. I was hurt just from listening to him retell the story. I really wanna choke out his wife but... The therapist in me asks... "Well, how did that make you feel?" His response was... "Insignificant" (I am paraphrasing, just so you know). We continued talking and he goes on to tell me that all he wanted in that moment was to be validated.

"Let me be patient let me be kind
Make me unselfish without being blind
Though I may suffer I'll envy it not
And endure what comes
Cause he's all that I got and
Tell him..."

We've all been there... asking our lovers, partners, "How do I look today?", "Am I pretty?", "Am I fine?", "Do I captivate you?". Sometimes we doubt ourselves, question our worth, question what we're giving to the relationship and we ask questions like, "Am I all you ever wanted?", "Do I make you happy?", "Are you satisfied?", "Content?". For some who've been going through hell in their personal lives and in their relationships, we long to hear reassurances, validations, just a little something to provide some wind to our wings.

I wished like hell my brother would have married a woman who would have said to him... "Prince? To hell with that! You're my King! You are beyond that!" Everybody at some point wants to feel like they are top shelf, first choice, the King/Prince... Queen/Princess in someone's life. While me and my brother talked, I reassured him, reminding him of the qualities he brings to the marriage, reminding him that he's a good man... but I know he didn't care to hear that from his little sister.

We finally got off the phone and I thought it over for days after... Of course I was fuming because no one messes with my big bro, not even his wife... but then my compassionate side spoke and said to me... She does not know how...

"Now I may have faith to make mountains fall
But if I lack love then I am nothin' at all
I can give away everything I possess
But left without love then I have no happiness
I know I'm imperfect & not without sin
But now that I'm older all childish things end
And tell him..."

I want to believe that if she knew what he wanted to hear, she would have answered that question differently. I want to believe that she's got her issues that does not allow her to address the emotional needs of her husband... And let's face it, it's hard to believe that men even have an emotional side. Women are the emotional species and men are the rational, devoid of emotion. We assume that because they are physically stronger, they are emotionally strong too. That's simply not the case.

Men need to be encouraged just as women do. They want compliments, support, and affection. They may not ask for it or demand it like a woman does... but when we love them, we must love them as we love ourselves...

"Tell him I need him
Tell him I love him
And it'll be alright"

Music Backdrop: "Tell Him" by Lauryn Hill


Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

So often we forget to "treat people how we want to be treated" especially in realtionships with men. I often feel like he will not appreciate it. So many times I have been wrong.

Bottom line is we love and show love because we can and it is who we are. Maybe the brother's wife is just not that kind of person?

Mizrepresent said...

Wow, that hurt me and i don't even know your brother...sometimes people don't realize what they have until they lost it...i hope she realizes real soon.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I was thinking WOW that was so horrible to say.
She would have cried if he had said she was not his princess because of something so trivial.

She should have thought, yes you are my King because you are here with me.

And I know that even when a man acts like he could care less if you give him compliments, he is swelling up inside when you do.

Luv said...

just a side question:

were him and the wifey having issues before this convo? because if me and my man (maybe this is why i don't have one) were beefing and he asked me this question, um yeah he would have gotten the response he got.

but if everything is cool then i would have told him prince, you the dang on emperor..

MsKnowitAll said...

@Kay C... Me & you share the same thoughts... thinking "he" won't appreciate it but it is so true that we should display love as we want to be loved...

@Miz... I'm telling you girl, I was too hurt listening to my brother. There's is some kinda relationship. She's lost him a time or 2 but he keeps going back. I think one day he's going to leave for good.

@Queen... She would have been too hurt if my brother was to put her down in any fashion & I so agree with your comment. I just think she doesn't know what to say nor even how to go about finding out how...

@Luv... LOL... I asked him if she was joking because I know jokingly I'd say "Heck naw, you ain't my prince" but they were cuddling on the couch. Now how you gonna cuddle me up and tell me you I'm not the apple of your eye or the star in your sky?