For the past few weeks I have been extremely frustrated with my life. At this age and season of my life, I imagined things would be different for me… husband, 2.5 children, my own home, 2 cars, the picture perfect existence. Instead of me owning my life as it is, I’ve been asking myself “what if” questions, wondering if, somewhere through my twists and turns, did I take a wrong spin and mess everything up?
I imagine myself like the half earthling, half alien Evie in the 80s TV show Out of This World with the ability to stop and restart time… I’d go back to 1998 and begin again… or like Michael Newman in the movie Click, armed with a universal remote… I can stop, start, rewind and fast forward time… But the problem with both of these characters is that… they are both fictional and even if I could press one button and stop time, I’d be missing precious moments, memories, intricate pieces of life.
During one of my early heartbreaks, I climbed in my bed, pulled the covers over my head and allowed sleep to overtake me. I remember it being cloudy outside when I went to sleep but when I awoke many hours later it was sunny, my mother had gotten up, gone to work, and had returned back home, I missed a day of school and a new day was on the horizon. In my youth I really thought that by pulling the covers over my head I could stop the world but when I uncovered my head it was clear to me that the world never stops no matter how good or bad I may be feeling.
I remember these moments now… but for the past few weeks I’ve caused arguments, been resentful and sometimes evil. But like a bolt, it hit me… Last night I was out with friends, celebrating a birthday. We went to S.O.B.’s, a popular NY club, and it was salsa night… in all of my years of dancing, I’ve never taken salsa. Surrounded by happy people, dj’ed and live music, delightful drinks and dancing bodies, I gave myself over to the moment and danced. I danced hard and free to Cuban salsa, Jamaican reggae and Brazilian samba. Sure when I got home and turned the key, I greeted my empty abode and there was no one waiting there for me… I choose not to wallow in my circumstances, not to look at my life with regret, not to play “what if” games but to embrace my season right where I am and focus on the richness of my life.
My life is very full… yes I am single and childless but I am employed and I have some financial security. I am open to live, create and recreate as I please. At times loneliness hits me and I long for a companion but being single ain’t bad at all… the agony comes when I’m attempting to not be single.
I choose to let go… to not live in the past with the “what ifs” and no matter how powerful I think I may be, I cannot stop the world. So as the world keeps turning, I am encouraged and strengthened to keep on moving, keep on laughing, keep on achieving, keep on living, keep on loving…