Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I.M. David

Dear Grandmother,

You know I usually call you Inez (in my head) and that's what my father always calls you, but this is formal and for formality I shall address you by your title, Grandmother.

On Monday, Grandmother, I received a call from my father that I knew would come one day yet I was not prepared to ever hear.

After I listened to the voicemail my father left, I cried and shook at my desk.
I just asked him about you 2 days before. He just went to see you, sat with you and watched TV with you. You were fine.

I thought to myself Maybe you were sleeping without your hearing aid like you did about 2 years ago and didn't hear the bell. Maybe when he gets into your apartment, he'll find you were sleeping hard, he'll awaken you and everything will be fine.

My parents told me over and over again to be the bigger person and heal the relationship I had with you, bridge the gap and visit you, force myself to be the granddaughter that you never seemed to embrace. I kept questioning them and myself, how can I, 60 years your junior, be the bigger person?

Consciously and without regret, I kept my distance, always feeling that you didn't love your youngest grandchild like you loved your older grandchildren. And even though it's been a year since I called you, I have no regrets.

I love you, always did, though alienated.

I remember when you came over to help me dress for my junior high school prom. I remember how you steamed my dress and helped me with my jewelry. I know that me being thicker than my sister, you were more proud of her tall lean frame, but that night you helped me live out my princess fantasies without complaint.

I remember the day that I broke our decade long silence. Something was wrong with my father and I could feel it in my bones. I called his house and he didn't answer. I called every hospital in the Bronx, he wasn't in any. I called his job and they told me he was in the hospital. I called my mother who still had your number and then I called you. "He's in Cornell-Presbyterian", you told me, "And by the way, are you still fat?" I replied, "No Grandma, I'm skinny now" and knowing the truth, we both laughed.

Grandma, you weren't always the loving, affectionate grandmother. Maybe it is because I'm not tall and lean like Junior & Joanne. Maybe it's because I'm not a full-blooded Antiguan. I don't know why it is that you never welcomed me but you are a loving mother to my father.

When my father called me and told me to call him, it was important, Inez is dead. I cried and shook at my desk... for him. I cried because I mourn a woman I've always wanted but never got a real chance to know. I wanted to know your favorite hymns, your much loved scripture. I wanted to see you without your wig, touch your braids again. I wanted to see you in your favorite hat and hear your voice again. I cried because I knew my father is an only child and he loves you so much and you love him right back, fervently, and after having you for his 64 years, you have gone home to Glory.

In the 2 days since your death, I have been running around, exhausted, because my father is unable to run or focus or make decisions alone. I am finding myself learning more about you in these last 2 days than I knew in the 32, almost 33 years of my life.

I don't believe that it's ever too late to show someone your love. You may not be around to see me or hear me but I believe your soul feels me and directs me as I take care of your final arrangements. However difficult our relationship was, what we are to each other now is profound.

I intend to honor you as the regal woman you are. On November 22, 2008, had you lived, you would have observed your 93rd birthday. Truly you are blessed. They tell me that you just went to sleep, with a peaceful smile on your face, while watching TV. You weren't ill perhaps though unbeknownst to all of us, you were weary, yet always running to take care of your younger brother. Thank you Grandma, for giving me such a loving and wonderful father. I honor you, Grandmother, by loving Daddy and by being the best daughter that I can be for him.

May your soul eternally rest easy, Grandma Inez. Love You Always.

Monday, September 29, 2008

I am Disturbed

... When I hear stories of an 18 year-old young man who douses a 14 year-old boy with gasoline and runs after him with a match. L.I. Man Accused Of Attacking Boy, 14, With Gasoline

... When a beautiful 14 year-old girl in my church tells me that she is only pretty when she wears fake eye lashes, a weave down to her waist and a pair of stilettos... which are cheap and she struggles to walk in them.

... When I read about a young couple who fall 6 stories to their death. Lovebirds plunge from Bronx roof to their death after night of clubbing

... When a 7 year-old girl tells me that she just got her hair done and she's wearing tight pants so she knows when she goes to Chuck E. Cheese, she's going to get her man.

... When a pregnant woman enters a train and all of the big burly men are sitting down, turning away or blatantly acting like they are asleep so they won't have to give up their seats.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sunglasses At Night...

... "Every now and then / I might check your caller I.D. / Just to see who's callin' other than me / Every other girl I know does the same thing too / But they don't even say that they do"
~ Faith Evans, "Jealous"

I am a jealous woman and because I am real and own up to my emotions, I wear my jealous green proudly. However, I don't ask questions I don't want answers to and I don't play private eye. Sometimes I seem a little standoffish and vague because of it but it's my defense mechanism - I have to protect my heart.

I love the song Jealous by Faith Evans. I remember blasting it when it came out in 2005... I'm so jealous, I can't help it... I'm so jealous, I can't control it....

The truth is, I can help it and I do control it. Sure I would love to go through my boo's cell phone to make sure he's really texting his cousin and not some new chick. I have his password to everything and I can easily check his email and so much more.

But I don't. It has more to do with his entitlement to his personal space than my security.

I know me and I can make a mountain out of a tiny little mole hill. I remember a couple of years ago when I attended my nephew's high school graduation and you couldn't tell me that his friends weren't gang bangers. I kept asking him who they were and why they all wore blue. Actually only one of them had on blue. I remember sneaking and reading my nephew's private myspace page at one time and he wrote about which gang was the best. He wrote about the blue one. Even after he told me that the guys were his friends from church, I didn't believe him. It wasn't until I questioned his mom that it was confirmed for me. I wouldn't have speculated and disturbed him on his graduation night with my interrogation if I didn't snoop.

My mother always told me "Seek and ye shall find, and don't seek if you aren't prepared to find something that hurts". Growing up, my father was quick to claim broke but by not putting his money in a checking account, he stashed money in his closet. I'm pretty sure a time or two when my mom was searching for some dough, she probably came across a number or maybe even a pair of panties. Oh something made her tell me that little adage.

I am many things but a snooper, I am not. I don't know how much money my guy brings home. I don't know whose numbers are in his cellular. I don't check his pockets, ever. I do have an open mind and I firmly believe in open communication so if there is anything I really care to know, I have no problem expressing myself, I will ask. Whatever he chooses to share is fine. Whatever he chooses to keep secret is fine too, I don't force any issue.

I remember one time I was dating this guy, an older gentleman who liked jazz clubs and art galleries - I had a ball with him. One particular night I was at home with my girl DC and he was out. Probably with female and male friends. All I know is he simply told me, when I called him, that he was out. DC sat there, listening to my convo, and when it ended told me to call him back and ask him who he was with. Peer pressure is a mother because I didn't want to call him, I wasn't concerned with who he was with - our relationship wasn't even serious. And it never got that way either because I did eventually call him and did some more investigating with DC's help. He may have been all wrong for me to begin with or he could have been Mr. Right. It's water under the bridge now but I learned my lesson.

If I want to know something, I just ask! After all dirty little deeds done in the dark eventually come to the light. And the dirty deeds that go unknown, will probably never affect me. Don't get me wrong - I do not turn a blind eye nor a deaf ear to the obvious and I have a bull'ish meter that rarely steers me wrong but everyone is free to be who they are without a snooping eye spying with a sense of entitlement to know every little thing that someone is doing, hiding or typing...

Thursday, September 25, 2008

... What Number Are You?

I am a loyalist... and I can't agree with more.

You Are 6: The Loyalist

You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.
You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.
At Your Best: You are courageous, a positive thinker, and expressive. You can take on the world.
At Your Worst: You are secretly insecure - which makes you sarcastic, cold, and argumentative.
Your Fixation: Doubt
Your Primary Fear: Abandonment
Your Primary Desire: Security and support
Other Number 6's: Mel Gibson, Woody Allen, Jay Leno, Marilyn Monroe, and Julia Roberts.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Random Words I Type

* I forgot my book at home for 2 straight days or there would be more of the 61 things every well-spoken lady knows. But then again, I think that we blogger women could probably write 61 thousand things... and it would certainly be a best seller!

* I've got a matter of the heart, Kiaya. And the movie that best resembles my love life is Annie Hall. ?!?!?!

* I've got you over here who doesn't understand my thinking, my need for freedom, my love of all things beautiful, my devotion to my family and we've been together for the past few years and I love you and your daughter to death, through the rough and rocky and the joyous and happy.

* Then I've got you over here who I keep on bumping into. So what I knew you since 2002?! So what you're fine and you like serenading me, "Kisses Don't Lie"?! So what you're a beautiful struggling artist who keeps saying to me "No pressure, Special K, no pressure"?!

* All I know is that you're a big distraction... and I'm confused...

* I have officially turned into my office's terrorist. One stupid email from my sup's boss and I lost my ladiness. I demanded Saki buy me some chocolate cake-ah. I get mad at my replacement for occupying not one but two copy machines and I send off one not-so-nice email to my sup's supervisor. I haven't received a reply yet and I'm glad. I felt like flipping desks and chairs earlier.

* What would possess that fool to CC all of those people like I don't know what I'm talking about? I used to work for him and I used to run his office smoothly! Now suddenly he's questioning me and cc'ing folk who know that I'm correct because everyone's up on it, except for his dumb @ss!

* Why would they hire me to put out fires? Better yet, why would I apply for this position? I know it's been a year that I've been here but I don't like fires. Right now I just want some routine, monotony. Troubleshooting is my number one duty. My supervisor gave me a list of our duties and it's still tacked up on my cubbie wall.

* Now that I'm looking at the list of duties, I realize that I have been doing 5 of her 10, added to my 9. WHAT?!?!?!

* After not eating meat since May, I think tonight I want a mushroom angus burger from McDonald's.

* But I know it's just my hormones.

* You text message me "Thoughts of you leaves me day dreamin'" STOP! *~Smile~*... okay... (sigh) don't stop.

* I'm trying to find a clip from Harlem Nights when Danny Aiello had a taste of Sunshine and calls his wife to says "Barbara, it's Richie. I ain't never coming home no more. Take it easy." That's awful :(

* I've been talking to this dude and about this dude for 2 days! And smiling like a fool! My cheeks hurt.

* Either white nor off-white is my friend or because I look and feel humongous!

* You're energy, feels so damn good to me.... Now what am I supposed to do / When I want you in my world / How can I want you for myself / When I'm already someones girl?

* See it ain't nothing wrong with dreaming / Boy don't get me wrong / Cause every time I see you / I know just how strong / That my love is for my baby / But emotions just don't lie / Well I know I'm a lot of woman / But not enough to divide the pie

* I guess Ill see you next lifetime

I'm outta here! I told my guy to pick me up at the station around 7:30 and there's no way I'm making it out to East Newy in under an hour.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Unlady Like

The girl that I like
Is very unlady like
Yet, perfect for me

I was looking over this book I bought from the Library Bookshop one day titled "As A Lady Would Say" and I realized that sometimes I'm not all that lady like. Sure I walk the walk. I dress like a lady. I style my hair like a lady. But my talk may not always be lady like. But then sometimes it is and for that I'm proud. I am able to see how and where I've matured but I see where I can grow some more.

Here are a few of the 61 things every well-spoken lady knows....

1. A lady knows how to begin a conversation.

2. Although a lady would never provoke an unpleasant confrontation, she knows how to deal with one.

3. A lady always thinks before she speaks.

4. Although a lady does not fret over the past, she also thinks after she speaks, assessing the correctness of her behavior.

5. If a lady realizes, in retrospect, that she is guilty of an unintentionally rude or thoughtless remark, she attempts to set the matter straight, at her earliest opportunity.

6. If a lady is subjected to a rude remark or rude behavior, she does not offer rudeness in return.

7. A lady allows others to finish their sentences. Even in her most brilliant moments, she does not interrupt others, no matter how dull their opinions might be - or how many times she may have heard their stories before.

8. A lady does not talk with her mouth full -- even over the phone.

9. A lady does not take part in major arguments over minor issues.

10. When a lady learns that two friends are to be married, she tells the groom-to-be, "Congratulations", and offers her "Best Wishes" to the soon-to-be bride.

11. A lady is slow to judge the actions of others, in either their public or their private affairs.

12. Although a lady knows how to assert herself, she also knows when to keep her opinions to herself.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Chocolate Brown Brother... V

And my last Chocolate Brown Brother post...

He is my King,
He is my one
Yes he's my father, Yes he's my son
I can talk to him, cuz he understands
Everything I go through and everything I am
He's my support system, I can't live without him
The best thing since sliced bread
Is his kiss, his hugs, his lips, his touch
And I just want the whole world to know, about my...

Brown Brotha, I love ya, I will never - try to hurt ya
I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true cuz you're my
Brown Brotha, strong brotha, there is no - one above ya
I want ya, to know that, I'm here for you - forever true

He's misunderstood, some say that he's up to no good around the neighborhood
But fo' your information - alot of my brothers got education (now check it)
You got ya Wall Street brotha, ya blue collar brotha
Your down for whatever chillin' on the corner brother
A talented brotha, and to everyone of ya'll behind bars
You know that MsKnowitAll loves ya - LOL

You mean so much to me, you give me what I need, I'm so proud of you
I love you for stayin' strong, you got it goin' on I'm so proud of you
Going through thick and thin, brothas you gonna win I'm so proud of you
Whenever you facin' doubt, brothas gon' work it out I'm so proud of you
(I got my shakable faith in ya)

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Chocolate Brown Brother... IV

Have you ever read a book and fallen in love with the Chocolate Brown Brother main character?

Well I know I have!

I have a visual imagination and when I read a story I try to envision the characters. Depending on their characteristics I may picture them looking like someone I know in my personal life. However after seeing Devil in a Blue Dress, I know the casting director could not have picked a better, sexier person to play Ezekiel (Easy) Rawlins than Denzel Washington. Easy Rawlins is one smooth private investigator who with his close friend and partner in crime, Raymond (Mouse) Alexander has been solving crimes, kicking butt and saving lives in 10ish Easy Rawlins mysteries. After seeing the movie, I've always pictured Denzel as Easy and Don Cheadle as Mouse in my reading.

Then when Walter Mosley released the Fearless Jones mysteries... even though Paris Minton is the narrator and main character who falls into the most trouble, always gets beat up and solves the crime in the end, it's his buddy Fearless who comes through whupping heads and leaving behind a badass reputation. So if anyone ever decides to write a screenplay of this mystery series, they should ask me first because I always picture Michael Jai White and his martial artist skills kicking butt and escaping death time and time again.

Lastly... there's Gideon from author Eric Jerome Dickey. Gideon I'm pretty sure is really the main character Dante from Thieves Paradise however Dickey brings Gideon to light in his Gideon Trilogy Series (Sleeping with Strangers, Waking with Enemies and the soon-to-be- released Dying for Revenge). Gideon is a ruthless, contract killer who meets these 2 mysterious women on a flight to London and let me tell you.... there are at least 100 pages of borderline porn, explicit sex I tell you! So to me Gideon is pure hotness. If they ever created a screenplay of this trilogy, Tyrese (Black Ty) Gibson should definitely be Gideon. Yes Lawd!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Chocolate Brown Brother... III

Part III of my Chocolate Brown Brother theme...

When I was younger, I dated within my age bracket but as I got older, I find that I am naturally attracted to older men. My guy is 8 years older and though, that's not too bad, when I was 18, I dated a man who was 35.

I guess it began when I reached puberty at an early age and older men more so than the young boys were attracted to the thick, shapely me. I remember in the 5th grade when my 1st love Mauricio told me he wouldn't go with me because I was fat. Now Mauricio's mother and all 3 of his sisters were heavysets. Here we are 20+ years later and now Mauricio wanna be sweating a sister.

Okay I rambled there...

In any case, I love an older, seasoned man, younger than my daddy but strong, confident and able to hold and stand his ground. While I hold my own financially, I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me and I'm not looking to take care of anyone either. I don't want to have to help him pay his rent or house note nor loan him money to pay off the money he borrowed from his mama. Older men tend to be financially sound... well some of them anyway.

While I'm sure men in their early 30s are great, I prefer the mannerism and chivalry of an older gentleman. For me it's not all about sex, cars and clothes... all of the time - LOL - but about music, culture, art, theories, philosophies and so much more. I won't knock a man closer to my age if he's got his head on straight but he's got to have the finesse that most older men have perfected and possess.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Happy Birthday....

Continuing with my Chocolate Brown Brother theme this week...

Today is one of my on-the-job honey's birthday
He's the one I actually dated years ago...
But we didn't work out and now he's married and I'm committed...
Yet we have/had some unsettled business
Never really made peace with each other
We've agreed to be friends again
Yet there's this tension between us
Tension that will just have to go unreleased
If you know what I mean...

In any case...

He's a big chocolate brown brother
Tall and handsome
I went 3 years not speaking to him
And every one of those years I missed him dearly
I tried to front and act like seeing him didn't bother me
I told my friends I was over him
But every time I saw him
And especially if he was talking with another woman
I'd get jealous
And turn around and hate him more and more

What I missed most
Were our intimate moments
Shared on the telephone
Or at a movie theater
Or sitting while reading my psychology texts books
He's a strong brother
With this big resounding voice
He's articulate
And eloquent
Even though he's tall and strong
He's gentle and kind
Today I wished him a Happy Birthday
Filled with love and joy and happiness
And for once, I truly meant it

Monday, September 15, 2008

Chocolate Brown Brother

There’s nothing like a chocolate brown brother
Looking fine
Smelling good
Smiling at you
Greeting you with a hello
Moves in for a peck on the cheek
A brief hug
Asks you about your day
Gives you the once over
Checks out your goodies
Tells you “You lookin’ good woman”
And walks off
Leaving you smiling
While your imagination runs a mile a minute

Friday, September 12, 2008

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

As per True Urban Queen's instructions... You go to MyHeritage and then you click on Celebrities. You upload a photo and get the results.

I guess I kinda sorta look like Oprah...
Liz Taylor...?!!!
Now who are these other broads?

Thanks Queen, this is funny.

MyHeritage: Family tree - Genealogy - Celebrity - Collage - Morph

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Remembering September 11th

I remember waking up that morning
Felt heavy with grief
I was messing with this joke named John
And John was playing games the night before
The day was so beautiful
Blue skies and the weather warm
Yet I felt unbelievably sad

I remember wearing a blue knit sweater
Short sleeves
Black slacks
Black sandals
I rode the train to work
And I stood up the entire ride from the Bronx
As the train was passing 81st Street at around 7:50
Tears filled my eyes and fell straight down my face
I couldn't believe I was crying over some dude
But now I know it wasn't over him at all

My friend Kaci worked in Tower 2
She took my godson to school late that day
My friend's daughter attended school in the World Trade Center area
Her school was evacuated
My best friend's husband worked in Tower 1
He made it out okay
Another friend's brother worked in Tower 2 as well
He made it out but went back inside to help others
He perished when the tower fell

At work I cried hard when Kaci called to tell me she was fine
I was relieved
And distressed
My friend's daughter was picked up by an aunt
And were able to take buses before the city shut down all transit
My best friend left work when her brother came to get her
She met up with her husband
They traveled through Manhattan
Over the Brooklyn Bridge
My mother walked home from 80th & 5th Avenue
Through the streets
Over Macomb's Bridge and into The Bronx
If you're not from NY, that's about 5 miles
Or more

I stayed at work
And when I left my safe haven
Walked out to finally catch the subway which began working
2 hours later after the final tower, Tower 5, fell
The city was filled with smoke
Putrid air
Humility and compassion

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Whattaday, Whattaday

I wake up at 7:30
6:30 is the ideal time for getting up
Yet my bladder is heavy at 5:00
I can’t resist going back to sleep for that hour and a half
This really turns into 2 and a half hours
I am supposed to leave for work at 8:30
Getting up, ironing clothes, bathing and packaging clothes so that I can spend the night at my guy’s house tonight
I actually leave home at 9:30...

I bought these cute red heels so that I can finally wear my skinny jeans (True Urban Queen, you would be proud)
Everyone at work thinks that I lost weight but really my skinny jeans are too big
Which negates wearing skinny jeans in the first place
I step out of the house cuter than cute with my red shirt and sweater
Red heels
Skinny jeans (which look good even though they are a little baggy)
2 red bags, one pocketbook and one with tomorrow’s clothes
I even got on red earrings and a red watch!
I’m fabulous!

Side note:
If I ever relocate from New York City or I take a job anywhere else in the city, I’m pretty sure I will never miss working in Times Square/Mid-town Manhattan
This week is fashion week and the models, the photographers, everything is crazy, crowded, congested

On my train ride
I get a couple of stares from men
And even one woman
I’m high stepping when I get off the train at 42nd Street
Walking hotter than plus-sized, not really plus-sized, model Toccara
I climb the steps
Out into the street
Run smack dab into fashion week hoopla
I see they have models in white parading around Bryant Park
So what it’s 10:15 and I’m supposed to be at my desk troubleshooting and setting up trials for electronic resources

And then my left foot dips a little
Nah that’s not what I think
I take another step and my left foot dips again
My left heel broke on my brand new red shoes!
Good thing I have the light brown peep toe heels that I’m supposed to wear tomorrow
I’m feeling crappy
Outfit jacked up slightly
Could be worse, so much worse
Walking down 40th street
Heading to work
Mad about my shoe
Good mornin’ the
Yardi says
A smile creeps on my face
My island accent which I inherited
Comes so naturally at the right time
Springs forth from my lips
I say...
Mornin’ back

Monday, September 8, 2008

Me Things...

I'm home from work still (Thank God) and I'm feeling restless. I know I'm not excited about going back to work tomorrow nor do I want to rip and run the streets of the Bronx. However I am bored...
With myself.

I haven't taken a vacation this year and I don't consider going down to my guy's hometown vacation time. We usually drive the 16-18 hour trek to Smalltown, South Carolina, which makes me think of songs like this and I want to nap the entire time I'm there. I'm a city girl! Though I do love the fresh air and natural beauty. After we drive the 16-18 hours back and my legs look more like thighs - lol - from sitting and retaining fluid, I need another vacation.

Today I've just been sitting and vegging out, watching talk shows and reruns of MTV and VH1 reality shows thinking to myself... there's got to be more! How in the world did I become one of those boring women with nothing to talk about except for celebrity gossip and complaining about my man?!?! I can't be serious!

So I went out to the park for some sun and took my journal to jot down the 10 things I want to do. At first I was going to write the 10 things I want to do before it's too late but really, it's never too late to do anything anymore. So here goes:

10. Mother a child... At 32, I don't know if it's my destiny to give birth but I know that doesn't prevent me from mothering a child.

9. Take a belly dancing class... At first I wanted to take another yoga class but I've done yoga, now I want to do something new...

8. Learn to sew... I can mend a pair of pants or sew on a button but I want to learn how to make a pocketbook out of a pair of jeans, make a hat from a shirt or turn an old pair of jeans into a funky denim skirt.

7. Learn conversational Spanish... It's crazy that I took Spanish from the 4th grade through 12th grade and can only speak and understand bits and pieces. If you don't use it, you certainly do lose it. But living in New York and especially The Bronx, I should already know it.

6. Attend Olympics 2012... Me and Mr. Senegal have already decided to go together. I don't know how my guy is going to feel about that but I'll get to that then lol... I was so hyped by this year's Olympics that I'm ready to book the next one right now.

5. Spend a weekend in Paris... I could do longer but the truth is after the 2nd or 3rd day, I'm gonna want to be home or somewhere else so 2 or 3 days is all I will need.

4. Take massuese lessons... Doesn't everyone love a good massage? I just love relaxation, stress relief, and detoxification and what better way to achieve that but through the human touch. Plus I could probably make a little extra dough on the side...

3. Start an e-card or a regular greeting card business... I am actually very excited by this. E-cards/Greeting cards with a cultural flair. I have so many ideas for this and I know it's gonna be hot!

2. Develop a regular meditation practice daily... I usually set out to do this, do this one or two times and then drop it but I would like to do it regularly, making it a lifestyle change.

1. Enroll in a creative writing course... I visit the Gotham Writers site about once a month but it's the money factor right now that prevents me.

*Bonus... Conquer my fears. One of my friends owns a home cleaning business and when she cleans someone's home, she removes them from their space, which allows her the freedom of getting rid of all of their junk. That's how I feel... like I want to be removed from all of the things and negative energy that prevent me from accomplishing the interests in my heart - do things without the fear of failing or not being good enough.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

... Love List Thursdays

My guy and I were having our customary Monday morning argument on Tuesday morning (Labor Day threw us off). I don't like to argue. At all. I prefer healthy conversations, voicing opinions, agreeing to disagree but I don't like arguing.

I admit the argument was stupid. It went from one little thing to something big. After he left me to run off to work, I had a moment to think and realize that the argument didn't even have to take place. I could have cut the whole thing short myself by just saying one word. Sorry.

I admit that I am not a sorry sayer. It's not that I feel exempt from all wrong doing or Ms. Perfect as he calls me. I just feel that a "sorry" doesn't always cut it. For instance, when people say "I'm sorry that you feel that way" - that's not even a band aid for the damage. That's so weak that it doesn't even make sense to say. Yet I know that saying sorry sometimes encourages healing and holds one accountable to his or her actions.

So on Tuesday when I put butter on his toast not knowing he didn't want butter, he expected a sorry but instead I said, "How did I know you didn't want butter on your toast! It's toast! You always put butter on your toast. Oh well, I bet it's gonna taste really good with butter on there". I called him later to apologize even though I didn't feel an apology was necessary. It was a simple mistake and though it was not a heartfelt apology, just the fact that I extended the words to him was the balm that was needed to ease the tension between us.

That's not the best way apologize. In fact it was just as weak as his. I wouldn't suggest anyone say sorry just cause. I'm ashamed to say that I said it just to keep peace...

But it worked...

I said sorry because I know that that 5 letter word if gone unsaid can and probably will lead to resentment in the future. I forget to check myself on the little things and I was determined for us to not have a messed up day just because I wouldn't humble myself over an apology... even if it was over buttered toast.

K's Love List - Could I really be at 100 already!
96. Keeps promises - don't make 'em if you have no intention of keeping 'em
97. Willing to admit that he doesn't know everything and ability to admit when I am right
98. A dreamer who is also passionate about living in the moment - not the past, not the future
99. Knows my strongest emotion and tries not to bring me to the point of expressing it

100. Makes every effort, exhausts all means to be the best mate he could possibly be.

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work