Tuesday, September 30, 2008
You know I usually call you Inez (in my head) and that's what my father always calls you, but this is formal and for formality I shall address you by your title, Grandmother.
On Monday, Grandmother, I received a call from my father that I knew would come one day yet I was not prepared to ever hear.
After I listened to the voicemail my father left, I cried and shook at my desk.
I just asked him about you 2 days before. He just went to see you, sat with you and watched TV with you. You were fine.
I thought to myself Maybe you were sleeping without your hearing aid like you did about 2 years ago and didn't hear the bell. Maybe when he gets into your apartment, he'll find you were sleeping hard, he'll awaken you and everything will be fine.
My parents told me over and over again to be the bigger person and heal the relationship I had with you, bridge the gap and visit you, force myself to be the granddaughter that you never seemed to embrace. I kept questioning them and myself, how can I, 60 years your junior, be the bigger person?
Consciously and without regret, I kept my distance, always feeling that you didn't love your youngest grandchild like you loved your older grandchildren. And even though it's been a year since I called you, I have no regrets.
I love you, always did, though alienated.
I remember when you came over to help me dress for my junior high school prom. I remember how you steamed my dress and helped me with my jewelry. I know that me being thicker than my sister, you were more proud of her tall lean frame, but that night you helped me live out my princess fantasies without complaint.
I remember the day that I broke our decade long silence. Something was wrong with my father and I could feel it in my bones. I called his house and he didn't answer. I called every hospital in the Bronx, he wasn't in any. I called his job and they told me he was in the hospital. I called my mother who still had your number and then I called you. "He's in Cornell-Presbyterian", you told me, "And by the way, are you still fat?" I replied, "No Grandma, I'm skinny now" and knowing the truth, we both laughed.
Grandma, you weren't always the loving, affectionate grandmother. Maybe it is because I'm not tall and lean like Junior & Joanne. Maybe it's because I'm not a full-blooded Antiguan. I don't know why it is that you never welcomed me but you are a loving mother to my father.
When my father called me and told me to call him, it was important, Inez is dead. I cried and shook at my desk... for him. I cried because I mourn a woman I've always wanted but never got a real chance to know. I wanted to know your favorite hymns, your much loved scripture. I wanted to see you without your wig, touch your braids again. I wanted to see you in your favorite hat and hear your voice again. I cried because I knew my father is an only child and he loves you so much and you love him right back, fervently, and after having you for his 64 years, you have gone home to Glory.
In the 2 days since your death, I have been running around, exhausted, because my father is unable to run or focus or make decisions alone. I am finding myself learning more about you in these last 2 days than I knew in the 32, almost 33 years of my life.
I don't believe that it's ever too late to show someone your love. You may not be around to see me or hear me but I believe your soul feels me and directs me as I take care of your final arrangements. However difficult our relationship was, what we are to each other now is profound.
I intend to honor you as the regal woman you are. On November 22, 2008, had you lived, you would have observed your 93rd birthday. Truly you are blessed. They tell me that you just went to sleep, with a peaceful smile on your face, while watching TV. You weren't ill perhaps though unbeknownst to all of us, you were weary, yet always running to take care of your younger brother. Thank you Grandma, for giving me such a loving and wonderful father. I honor you, Grandmother, by loving Daddy and by being the best daughter that I can be for him.
May your soul eternally rest easy, Grandma Inez. Love You Always.
Monday, September 29, 2008
... When a beautiful 14 year-old girl in my church tells me that she is only pretty when she wears fake eye lashes, a weave down to her waist and a pair of stilettos... which are cheap and she struggles to walk in them.
... When I read about a young couple who fall 6 stories to their death. Lovebirds plunge from Bronx roof to their death after night of clubbing
... When a 7 year-old girl tells me that she just got her hair done and she's wearing tight pants so she knows when she goes to Chuck E. Cheese, she's going to get her man.
... When a pregnant woman enters a train and all of the big burly men are sitting down, turning away or blatantly acting like they are asleep so they won't have to give up their seats.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
You Are 6: The Loyalist
You have strong relationships and are intensely loyal.
People find you easy to love and care for.
You like your world to be stable and secure, no surprises.
You're cautious. You prefer your inner circle to the outside world.
At Your Best: You are courageous, a positive thinker, and expressive. You can take on the world.
At Your Worst: You are secretly insecure - which makes you sarcastic, cold, and argumentative.
Your Fixation: Doubt
Your Primary Fear: Abandonment
Your Primary Desire: Security and support
Other Number 6's: Mel Gibson, Woody Allen, Jay Leno, Marilyn Monroe, and Julia Roberts.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
* Then I've got you over here who I keep on bumping into. So what I knew you since 2002?! So what you're fine and you like serenading me, "Kisses Don't Lie"?! So what you're a beautiful struggling artist who keeps saying to me "No pressure, Special K, no pressure"?!
* What would possess that fool to CC all of those people like I don't know what I'm talking about? I used to work for him and I used to run his office smoothly! Now suddenly he's questioning me and cc'ing folk who know that I'm correct because everyone's up on it, except for his dumb @ss!
* Why would they hire me to put out fires? Better yet, why would I apply for this position? I know it's been a year that I've been here but I don't like fires. Right now I just want some routine, monotony. Troubleshooting is my number one duty. My supervisor gave me a list of our duties and it's still tacked up on my cubbie wall.
* Now that I'm looking at the list of duties, I realize that I have been doing 5 of her 10, added to my 9. WHAT?!?!?!
* After not eating meat since May, I think tonight I want a mushroom angus burger from McDonald's.
* I'm trying to find a clip from Harlem Nights when Danny Aiello had a taste of Sunshine and calls his wife to says "Barbara, it's Richie. I ain't never coming home no more. Take it easy." That's awful :(
* I've been talking to this dude and about this dude for 2 days! And smiling like a fool! My cheeks hurt.
* Either white nor off-white is my friend or because I look and feel humongous!
Monday, September 22, 2008
I was looking over this book I bought from the Library Bookshop one day titled "As A Lady Would Say" and I realized that sometimes I'm not all that lady like. Sure I walk the walk. I dress like a lady. I style my hair like a lady. But my talk may not always be lady like. But then sometimes it is and for that I'm proud. I am able to see how and where I've matured but I see where I can grow some more.
Here are a few of the 61 things every well-spoken lady knows....
1. A lady knows how to begin a conversation.
2. Although a lady would never provoke an unpleasant confrontation, she knows how to deal with one.
3. A lady always thinks before she speaks.
4. Although a lady does not fret over the past, she also thinks after she speaks, assessing the correctness of her behavior.
5. If a lady realizes, in retrospect, that she is guilty of an unintentionally rude or thoughtless remark, she attempts to set the matter straight, at her earliest opportunity.
6. If a lady is subjected to a rude remark or rude behavior, she does not offer rudeness in return.
7. A lady allows others to finish their sentences. Even in her most brilliant moments, she does not interrupt others, no matter how dull their opinions might be - or how many times she may have heard their stories before.
8. A lady does not talk with her mouth full -- even over the phone.
9. A lady does not take part in major arguments over minor issues.
10. When a lady learns that two friends are to be married, she tells the groom-to-be, "Congratulations", and offers her "Best Wishes" to the soon-to-be bride.
11. A lady is slow to judge the actions of others, in either their public or their private affairs.
12. Although a lady knows how to assert herself, she also knows when to keep her opinions to herself.
Friday, September 19, 2008
He's misunderstood, some say that he's up to no good around the neighborhood
You mean so much to me, you give me what I need, I'm so proud of you
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I have a visual imagination and when I read a story I try to envision the characters. Depending on their characteristics I may picture them looking like someone I know in my personal life. However after seeing Devil in a Blue Dress, I know the casting director could not have picked a better, sexier person to play Ezekiel (Easy) Rawlins than Denzel Washington. Easy Rawlins is one smooth private investigator who with his close friend and partner in crime, Raymond (Mouse) Alexander has been solving crimes, kicking butt and saving lives in 10ish Easy Rawlins mysteries. After seeing the movie, I've always pictured Denzel as Easy and Don Cheadle as Mouse in my reading.
Then when Walter Mosley released the Fearless Jones mysteries... even though Paris Minton is the narrator and main character who falls into the most trouble, always gets beat up and solves the crime in the end, it's his buddy Fearless who comes through whupping heads and leaving behind a badass reputation. So if anyone ever decides to write a screenplay of this mystery series, they should ask me first because I always picture Michael Jai White and his martial artist skills kicking butt and escaping death time and time again.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
There’s nothing like a chocolate brown brother
Smiling at you
Greeting you with a hello
Moves in for a peck on the cheek
A brief hug
Asks you about your day
Gives you the once over
Checks out your goodies
Tells you “You lookin’ good woman”
And walks off
Leaving you smiling
While your imagination runs a mile a minute
Friday, September 12, 2008
I guess I kinda sorta look like Oprah...
Now who are these other broads?
Thanks Queen, this is funny.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Felt heavy with grief
I was messing with this joke named John
And John was playing games the night before
The day was so beautiful
Blue skies and the weather warm
Yet I felt unbelievably sad
I remember wearing a blue knit sweater
I rode the train to work
And I stood up the entire ride from the Bronx
As the train was passing 81st Street at around 7:50
Tears filled my eyes and fell straight down my face
I couldn't believe I was crying over some dude
But now I know it wasn't over him at all
My friend Kaci worked in Tower 2
She took my godson to school late that day
My friend's daughter attended school in the World Trade Center area
Her school was evacuated
My best friend's husband worked in Tower 1
He made it out okay
Another friend's brother worked in Tower 2 as well
He made it out but went back inside to help others
He perished when the tower fell
At work I cried hard when Kaci called to tell me she was fine
I was relieved
My friend's daughter was picked up by an aunt
And were able to take buses before the city shut down all transit
My best friend left work when her brother came to get her
She met up with her husband
They traveled through Manhattan
Over the Brooklyn Bridge
My mother walked home from 80th & 5th Avenue
Through the streets
Over Macomb's Bridge and into The Bronx
If you're not from NY, that's about 5 miles
I stayed at work
And when I left my safe haven
Walked out to finally catch the subway which began working
2 hours later after the final tower, Tower 5, fell
The city was filled with smoke
Humility and compassion
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
6:30 is the ideal time for getting up
Yet my bladder is heavy at 5:00
I can’t resist going back to sleep for that hour and a half
This really turns into 2 and a half hours
I am supposed to leave for work at 8:30
Getting up, ironing clothes, bathing and packaging clothes so that I can spend the night at my guy’s house tonight
I actually leave home at 9:30...
I bought these cute red heels so that I can finally wear my skinny jeans (True Urban Queen, you would be proud)
Everyone at work thinks that I lost weight but really my skinny jeans are too big
Which negates wearing skinny jeans in the first place
I step out of the house cuter than cute with my red shirt and sweater
Skinny jeans (which look good even though they are a little baggy)
2 red bags, one pocketbook and one with tomorrow’s clothes
I even got on red earrings and a red watch!
If I ever relocate from New York City or I take a job anywhere else in the city, I’m pretty sure I will never miss working in Times Square/Mid-town Manhattan
This week is fashion week and the models, the photographers, everything is crazy, crowded, congested
On my train ride
I get a couple of stares from men
And even one woman
I’m high stepping when I get off the train at 42nd Street
Walking hotter than plus-sized, not really plus-sized, model Toccara
I climb the steps
Out into the street
Run smack dab into fashion week hoopla
I see they have models in white parading around Bryant Park
So what it’s 10:15 and I’m supposed to be at my desk troubleshooting and setting up trials for electronic resources
And then my left foot dips a little
Nah that’s not what I think
I take another step and my left foot dips again
My left heel broke on my brand new red shoes!
Good thing I have the light brown peep toe heels that I’m supposed to wear tomorrow
I’m feeling crappy
Outfit jacked up slightly
Could be worse, so much worse
Walking down 40th street
Heading to work
Mad about my shoe
Good mornin’ the Yardi says
A smile creeps on my face
My island accent which I inherited
Comes so naturally at the right time
Springs forth from my lips
Monday, September 8, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
I admit the argument was stupid. It went from one little thing to something big. After he left me to run off to work, I had a moment to think and realize that the argument didn't even have to take place. I could have cut the whole thing short myself by just saying one word. Sorry.
I admit that I am not a sorry sayer. It's not that I feel exempt from all wrong doing or Ms. Perfect as he calls me. I just feel that a "sorry" doesn't always cut it. For instance, when people say "I'm sorry that you feel that way" - that's not even a band aid for the damage. That's so weak that it doesn't even make sense to say. Yet I know that saying sorry sometimes encourages healing and holds one accountable to his or her actions.
So on Tuesday when I put butter on his toast not knowing he didn't want butter, he expected a sorry but instead I said, "How did I know you didn't want butter on your toast! It's toast! You always put butter on your toast. Oh well, I bet it's gonna taste really good with butter on there". I called him later to apologize even though I didn't feel an apology was necessary. It was a simple mistake and though it was not a heartfelt apology, just the fact that I extended the words to him was the balm that was needed to ease the tension between us.
That's not the best way apologize. In fact it was just as weak as his. I wouldn't suggest anyone say sorry just cause. I'm ashamed to say that I said it just to keep peace...
But it worked...
I said sorry because I know that that 5 letter word if gone unsaid can and probably will lead to resentment in the future. I forget to check myself on the little things and I was determined for us to not have a messed up day just because I wouldn't humble myself over an apology... even if it was over buttered toast.
K's Love List - Could I really be at 100 already!
100. Makes every effort, exhausts all means to be the best mate he could possibly be.
If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...
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