Saturday, September 27, 2008

Sunglasses At Night...

... "Every now and then / I might check your caller I.D. / Just to see who's callin' other than me / Every other girl I know does the same thing too / But they don't even say that they do"
~ Faith Evans, "Jealous"

I am a jealous woman and because I am real and own up to my emotions, I wear my jealous green proudly. However, I don't ask questions I don't want answers to and I don't play private eye. Sometimes I seem a little standoffish and vague because of it but it's my defense mechanism - I have to protect my heart.

I love the song Jealous by Faith Evans. I remember blasting it when it came out in 2005... I'm so jealous, I can't help it... I'm so jealous, I can't control it....

The truth is, I can help it and I do control it. Sure I would love to go through my boo's cell phone to make sure he's really texting his cousin and not some new chick. I have his password to everything and I can easily check his email and so much more.

But I don't. It has more to do with his entitlement to his personal space than my security.

I know me and I can make a mountain out of a tiny little mole hill. I remember a couple of years ago when I attended my nephew's high school graduation and you couldn't tell me that his friends weren't gang bangers. I kept asking him who they were and why they all wore blue. Actually only one of them had on blue. I remember sneaking and reading my nephew's private myspace page at one time and he wrote about which gang was the best. He wrote about the blue one. Even after he told me that the guys were his friends from church, I didn't believe him. It wasn't until I questioned his mom that it was confirmed for me. I wouldn't have speculated and disturbed him on his graduation night with my interrogation if I didn't snoop.

My mother always told me "Seek and ye shall find, and don't seek if you aren't prepared to find something that hurts". Growing up, my father was quick to claim broke but by not putting his money in a checking account, he stashed money in his closet. I'm pretty sure a time or two when my mom was searching for some dough, she probably came across a number or maybe even a pair of panties. Oh something made her tell me that little adage.

I am many things but a snooper, I am not. I don't know how much money my guy brings home. I don't know whose numbers are in his cellular. I don't check his pockets, ever. I do have an open mind and I firmly believe in open communication so if there is anything I really care to know, I have no problem expressing myself, I will ask. Whatever he chooses to share is fine. Whatever he chooses to keep secret is fine too, I don't force any issue.

I remember one time I was dating this guy, an older gentleman who liked jazz clubs and art galleries - I had a ball with him. One particular night I was at home with my girl DC and he was out. Probably with female and male friends. All I know is he simply told me, when I called him, that he was out. DC sat there, listening to my convo, and when it ended told me to call him back and ask him who he was with. Peer pressure is a mother because I didn't want to call him, I wasn't concerned with who he was with - our relationship wasn't even serious. And it never got that way either because I did eventually call him and did some more investigating with DC's help. He may have been all wrong for me to begin with or he could have been Mr. Right. It's water under the bridge now but I learned my lesson.

If I want to know something, I just ask! After all dirty little deeds done in the dark eventually come to the light. And the dirty deeds that go unknown, will probably never affect me. Don't get me wrong - I do not turn a blind eye nor a deaf ear to the obvious and I have a bull'ish meter that rarely steers me wrong but everyone is free to be who they are without a snooping eye spying with a sense of entitlement to know every little thing that someone is doing, hiding or typing...


clnmike said...

I think there is a difference between being jealous and being obsessive or suspicious.

If I am dating a woman and she talks about how cute some dude is Im act an ass.

Or if she says she is going out with some of her male friends, I'll be like "the hell you will."

Hell I got upset with one girl who gave too much attention to her dog for my taste.

Thats jealous.

Checking cell phones and following some one around is the other stuff which only causes stress.

I believe what ever is done in the dark will come to the light so i wont sweat it.

Kiayaphd said...

I also believe that there is a difference between the feelings of jealousy and the act of obsession.

At no time do I believe it is ok to go through the possessions of another grown person. I even give my son a certain degree of respect for his privacy. So, checking cell phones, email accounts and voicemail; going through pockets or smelling his breath when he comes home, all of that is unacceptable in my mind.

Besides, if one is feeling jealousy, and you feel the need to violate your partner's space, you probably already know the answer. Your mama is absolutely correct; 9 times out of 10, if you're looking for dirt, you will find it. I don't see the point in looking for it; trouble gon' find you eventually anyway.

There was a time when I allowed jealousy to control my relationships. Experience taught me that jealousy developed, in part, from my own insecurity; but I also believe that our partners play a role in helping to maintain those feelings through their actions.

At one point, I was so focused on controlling my jealous emotions that I totally overlooked vital clues, because I no longer trusted my instincts. My man would tell me I was overreacting, but had every girl in the city on speed dial??!!!

Ok, so he said I should trust in him and his feelings for me, true. However, if he had behaved with a little more respect for my feelings and handled his business so his other "friendships" did not infringe on MY time,that emotion would not have emerged.

I'm more secure now in myself and in my appeal. I know now that when I start feeling that emotion, my trusty instincts are trying to give me vital emotions and I need to pay attention.

Anonymous said...

I am not the jealous type. Nosey, but not jealous. I have no problem with my manfriend going out with a female friend. My ex used to hang out with his coworkers (male and female) quite often and it was never a concern for me. I never checked his cell or email.

Now that we aren't together anymore, I will admit to peeping in on his new womanfriend's facebook page to see what's going on with them. Looking at their pics and whatnot. Wondering why they have their relationship on blast on a social site like that. But it's not my relationship so I shouldn't concern myself with it.

That's as far as I go though. No driving by his house (I'm not driving four hours for that foolishness) or playing on the phone...none of that. I do believe in giving the person that I am with their space. If I am cheated on, I simply walk away.

MsKnowitAll said...

Clnmike... I couldn't agree more. There are millions of things to preoccupy myself with and besides who needs the stress?

Kiaya... You hit is straight on point. When you're secure in who you are, your qualities and all of the goodness you bring, there is no need to be insecure, jealous and act in any kind of negative way.

Jewells... I too am nosy but I curb it A LOT. I shock myself with the questions I think and don't ask.
I am so glad that I'm not what I used to be... (I feel a post coming on)... I used to look through pics but I find that even that hurts too much. I prefer to walk away and shed those parts of my life.

MsKnowitAll said...

I agree there is a difference between jealousy and whatever it is that makes one preoccupied with another's thoughts and deeds.
For the sake of the post I included the verse of the song, yet I do believe that there is a relationship between jealousy and obsessive behavior.
And what it really boils down to is... insecurity.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Hmmm...I had to think about this before I responded.

"Seek and ye shall find, and don't seek if you aren't prepared to find something that hurts"
I agree 100% percent with this statement. If you look for something wrong, you will eventually find it. But I also believe that everything done in the dark will eventually come to light. It is only a matter of time.

There is nothing you can do to stop someone from cheating. No matter how much you snoop around or ask around. If they are going to cheat, they will cheat. So why waste the energy and get your blood pressure up?

It took me forever to realize the only person you can control is yourself, and that is hard to do many times. I had to learn that when a person cheats it has nothing to do with you but everything to do with them.

I typed all of this to say that jealousy usually revolves around our fear that the person we are with is going to cheat on us. When we can deal with that fear, we can move on to be the person we are meant to be.

And them maybe we can enjoy the relationship for what it is at that moment.

MsKnowitAll said...

"And them maybe we can enjoy the relationship for what it is at that moment."

Wise words, Kay C. Thank you for your thoughtful comment.