Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I've Had Enough

"When you're talking to me
Don't be cryin' the blues
'Cause don't nobody bring me no bad news
You can verbalize and vocalize
But just bring me the clues
But don't nobody bring me no bad news

Bring some message in your head
Or in something you can't lose
But don't you ever bring me no bad news
If you're gonna bring me something
Bring me, something I can use
But don't you bring me no bad news"

Evilene from The Wiz

I have drawn the proverbial line in the sand. I am sick and tired. My head is hurting and I feel like cutting people. Literally.
If I get one more phone call, one more text message, or one more email about some MESS, I'm going to pop.
My tongue is already quick, I'm hormonal and I have a raging attitude. I had to tell my mother, I had to tell my man and I've told all of my friends,

Don't Nobody Bring Me NO Bad News!!!!

Monday, October 27, 2008

He Loves Me

I have an especially hard time with Love.
I've been hurt in the name of love. I remember one of my exes grabbed me and left the print of his hand around my wrist as he told me that he loved me.
But I also know that feeling that you just want to bottle up and carry it around in your pocket for safe keeping. That knowing feeling that plants itself in your soul. The feeling I have and have shared with my parents and the rest of my family. The most confusing and indescribable of sensations when it comes to relationships... LOVE.
I still struggle with it. I know how to love. I have a lot of love to give and I freely give it. The thing is I don't know how to receive it. I push love away. I beat the mess out of love. I ask love to reveal itself, prove itself, and gone on by itself. I've even prayed for love and when it was presented to me, I laughed at it and said it wasn't enough. Yeah sometimes I'm psychotic when it comes to love.

This weekend I was home and cleaning and decided to throw on my Who Is Jill Scott? cd. When this came out in 2001, I just knew that the emerging neo-soul sound was created with my ears in mind and when I heard track 7, I knew I wanted the same kind of love that Jill sang about when she sang...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me
You incite me to chorus.....

Now I'm thinking... what if Lyzel told her that he loved her like that and like me she was struggling to believe it so she penned it, affirmatively she sang it and belted the hell out of it recording and singing it live, and that love became a reality? What is she didn't write it at all? What if Lyzel wrote it for her to sing and affirm for herself? What if like me she didn't believe true love between two people could really exist and this was her way of slamming her negative thoughts and moving forward in her positive thinking.

I was thinking of my guy and how I've been pushing his love away. In one of his messages he texted me that the love he gives is a reflection of the love I give to him. Now as good as that love is, as wonderful as it feels, how very beautiful it is -- why am I trying so hard to push it away?

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it
The love I'm feeling, I prayed for. I took my time and created my Love List and I believe that this is the fruition. This morning as I walked with an extra pep in my step, feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new as I arrived to work... when I heard the message he left as he sang this on my voicemail, I thanked God for His blessing. This type of love doesn't happen everyday and because I know that not only do I want love but I need it, I slowly and surely say goodnight to my struggle and simply relent...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Bring Me Water

I have been awarded by The True Urban Queen.
I am so honored to be considered by her and she bigged up my Breathing Space.
I am also honored that we happen to be Blogger Friends Forever BFFs. LOL

Though blogging is one of the easiest venues for saying what you feel, when you feel like it, without pretense, there are times when topics elude us, blog beef stirs up, or our readership and commentship goes on the fritz. But for those who delve into the mind, develop new topics to write about or post for discussion, those who post about experiences, current lives and past lives, the things we venture to do, our fears and our accomplishments... oh my gosh, I'm amazed by the creativity of you... You too are Brillante.

I'm reminded of the Erykah Badu song "Kiss Me on My Neck". If anybody knows me, they know that like my other celebrity friends in my head, me and Erykah are tight! I love Ms. Badu and "Kiss Me" is one of my favorite songs.

She says repetitively:

I want somebody to walk up behind me / And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck / I want somebody to walk up behind me / And kiss me on my neck and breathe on my neck

If you want to feel me / Better be divine / Bring me water, water for my mind / Give me nothin' / Breathe love in my air / Don't abuse me / Cause these herbs are rare

If you want too feel me / Better be divine / Bring me water for these flowers / Growing out my mind / Give me nothin' just be gentle / Breathe love in my air / Use me, don't abuse me, love me / Cause these herbs are rare

And the meaning behind this song is... she's lost her way, strayed off her path and she wants someone or some being to come behind her and give her the energy, the push she needs to get back on her path. I like the song and when I hear it and sing along, I always think "restore me".

Well folks, I say all that to say, I am restored daily. When the Lord wakes me up and I have bodily abilities, capabilities and faculties -- When I go to my closet and there are clothes and shoes spilling out -- When there's a positive balance in my accounts and I have a j-o-b to saunter into -- When I have friends and family and blog friends and family -- I am restored. All of these things and more are the water and the energy I need to make it through my everyday.

Thank you True Urban Queen.

And now since the controls are in my hands, instead of 7 folks to bestow this honor, I choose 5. Mainly because my blog circle is kinda small and actually I like it that way but in any case, I choose, The Brillante 5:




Kay C The Quiet Storm


Sunday, October 19, 2008


Some people say that their are only 2 root emotions and they are FEAR and LOVE. And all other emotions stem from them. As with most emotions, one must choose which will lead their words, their behavior, their lives.

I believe that no one wants to choose fear.

However by focusing on the things that cause us to fear, fear may just be intensified.

I sometimes have a fear of falling down the stairs. I've actually fallen down quite a few steps in my life. What that fear has done is made me aware and I take precaution before descending down any flight of stairs.

Yet some fear that they are unworthy of good things or good people. Some fear embarrassment, failure or rejection. Because of that fear, some may be angry, they may lash out, they may close themselves off from others.

However... LOVE

"Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails..."

Love is peaceful, it is freeing, it is forgiving. I think that everyone truly wants to choose love but sometimes they just don't know how to. It's certainly not easy to choose love. By choosing love you are tolerant with yourself and others. You look your fears in the face and say "thank you for-giving..." For giving me that grief, that anger, that selfishness and turn that grief into joy, that anger into calm and that selfishness into compassion. Choosing takes a lot of work.

I'm making quite a few transitions in my life lately and I find myself getting caught up in my fears. I've been in my I want what I want when I want it phase. I've been controlling, arrogant, and lashing out from my insecurities.

But today I choose Love. All of my fears, I bless them. Because like my fear of falling down the steps, I take the precaution of going slower, holding on to the banister in life and being aware of every thing, person, and situation I encounter. I choose to be honest with myself. I carry a journal and jot down my fears as they appear and affirm each one of them with something positive.

All fears may not truly go away but the response time should rise by choosing and giving power over to Love.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Today I... Random Words I Type

Today I...
... am so tired. I'm not as youthful as I look! LOL I need to get at least 5 hours rest but last night I thought I could run a marathon or something and only got 3 hours....

Today I...
... look so good in my new pair of jeans

Today I...
... found out that they are transferring my partner in crime, CB. But we are unstoppable! As long as there is instant messaging and a staircase near, we cannot be separated, but I will miss her big head. All I can do is turn my head around to see if she's at her desk before I walk over or... call her. Yes we call each other even though we are literally a couple of feet away! The thing is, my supervisor is seated between us. She won't have a phone upstairs, at least not right away but we'll find a way to communicate.

Today I...
... was lovingly reprimanded for my egotistical behavior

Today I...
... realized that sometimes I try so hard when really I need to fall back and realize that everyone just wants to be happy and since we're not here to hurt each other, I must learn to speak lovingly

Today I...
... still want to be wrapped up in my his arms, laying up in bed, instead of working

Today I...
... want to eat nothing but comfort food (mashed potatoes, corn, creamed spinach, cake, hot cocoa)

Today I...
... smiled a genuine smile at one of my co-workers who I really can't stand

Today I...
... miss his picture text messages

Today I...
... will go straight home after work, take care of my household and watch my fave ABC shows

Today I...
... want to believe that true love exists and have no doubt

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Why Fight?

I should have learned my lesson with Stephan.
One semester we were fighting like lovers.
The next semester he was in a wheel chair.
And the following semester he was dead.
Just like that.
And I never got to apologize,
Nor tell him how much I loved him,
I never got to say goodbye.

When life is all too fragile and short,
Why fight?

Why fight?
When I love you,
Even when the smoothness leaves your voice,
When you threaten to delete me from your phone
And disappear from my life,
Knowing it would break my heart

Why fight?
When you love me,
Even when I puff up like a dude
And the words from your mouth,
Sound like Charlie Brown's teacher,
And I turn my cold back to you.

Why fight?
When all we have is the moment we're in,
Not the past,
And how can we even foresee the future?
When we've wanted each other for years,
And finally have the opportunity
Why now are we fighting,
And afraid?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

My Cup Runneth Over... Random Words I Type

I feel so full. I know exactly why and I can only pray to take this joy I have and enfold it, store it and keep it close to me.

* It's after 4 in morning and I'm still up. I was asleep earlier but I received a phone call that kept me up for hours and now I sit in front of this pc.

* There's this Sister Circle that my church holds every month and I didn't attend last months because I had something else very important to do but one of the points brought up was when you're facing someone or something that's about to try your patience, don't let it. Instead smile and think of how God's goodness in your life.

* My co-worker CB, her mother, Mama B., shared wisdom with her the other day that she shared with me. To piggyback she said, "Don't worry about the man in the relationship, worry about you, being a better you, your best you. Take care of yourself, put yourself in the number one spot, lock it in and never let another occupy the space other than you." (I know CB, I piggy-backed big time!)

* As a girl child, I never wanted to see my mother cry, nor did I want to see my father cry. By witnessing my parent crying, it signaled that everything was not okay, that if mama or daddy couldn't hold it together, then no one could. But as a woman child, I know that it is necessary to cry, to release. Crying is cleansing like rain. Crying brings healing and clarity. So to my father, may he have a good cry as we say goodnight to my grandmother. Inspired by Lovebabz.

* I have seen Boris Kodjoe on 42nd Street, Tyson Beckford on 42nd and Broadway, Denzel in the Library across the street, Common on 46th and Broadway, AJ on 45th and Broadway, Hill Harper in BBQ's and 72nd Street by Columbus Avenue, Sean P. Diddy Combs in Justin's and Tyrese Gibson right outside my job and my swagger was in tact. But if I ever meet Andre Benjamin... All I want is for that man to whisper in my ear, just tickle my ear drums, give my a kiss on the cheek and a pat on my booty - I'll be so fine.

* My mother used to say to me, be careful what you ask for because God is a good God, he blesses the just and the unjust and he will answer your prayers. With that being said, I released it to the universe, made my requests known to God.... all I know is I completed my love list September 4, 2008 and let's just say that my cup is running over.

** It is so funny. Because I'm feeling full right now and I can't sleep, I get right on the pc and I type. I typed in my online journal and then I went blog hopping. I was lead to Lovebabz, MzTeeJaye, Brandi Bates and Kay C. The Quiet Storm. There are no accidents and no such thing as coincidence. Ladies, your way with words, your feelings, your expressions are blessings to me. Thank you.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's My Anniversary...

I am learning that the Library is a big ole trap. The Library Trap. They trap you into working here for decades with the lure of Library School, better known as a Masters Degree in Information and Library Science. Then you're stuck here waiting on some older worker to retire or expire and hope that there is funding to keep the position open so you can apply and get the job. If or when that does happen, then you're here trying to learn that job, doing the job of others who have left and then the rest of the work is dumped on the remaining masses.

Today, they threw me a party to celebrate...

1. My birthday
2. My 11th anniversary

The food was delicious. The cake... ummm... was okay. No liquor. :(

In my department, we celebrate everyone's birthday, every year. Somebody please tell me why do they always try to surprise me? I always know when something is up. My co-workers leave the office area for long periods of time. CB comes over and asks me to escort her to the lounge for soda. How obvious can you people get?

That's me, front and center (I am sooo adorable). My supervisor is to the left with the locks. The one with her head of my shoulder is Ms. Liryc (fellow blogger), The far right is Shoba (Indian Princess Warrior), up above me is my homie.... I don't know if I should but I don't think she would be mad if I revealed her (but she may be mad because I posted this pic)... that's CB AKA Miss Stress (who also left the blog world suddenly and reemerged perhaps) and Ms. Ukraine is behind Warrior Princess. The photographer, my personal photographer (LOL) is on-the-job husband FP.

Then the anniversary.... First off, who celebrates 11 years on the job unless you're about to leave. 11 is an odd number! Secondly, they presented me with my 10 year pin today. Ummm, off by a year, huh? Yep. The library is definitely an off place. Thirdly, my 12 year anniversary is in January. My 11th year is almost over. So you mean to tell me I'm not worth 2 parties?

That's me holding up my teeeny 10 year pin. I can barely see it. But my cuff bracelet is cewt! Wonder Woman! (My baby gave it to me)

I loved the food and I'm so glad that I am taking most of it home. I have shrimp and veggies for dinner, along with chocolate strawberry shortcake and fruit. My co-worker Saki, yes Saki, paid for it. Well she can afford it actually because she's the only one of us who works because she wants to and for financial security just in case her husband pulls the strings on their marriage... But on a better note, me and Saki have gotten along better this year than in prior years and she loves me. We've outworked everyone else in this department, working together for 7 years.

All in all.... I'M HAPPY! I love this place. If I didn't, I would have crawled out of this library hole 8 years ago when I graduated with my undergrad. I would then be trapped with young'ns for 10 months a year, summers off. Who said library's don't know how to throw a party? For my tastes, all I need is good food and cake. A little bubbly snuck under the table by one of my cronies would have been nice-er.

Most of all, as always.... I'm thankful.

Monday, October 6, 2008

And in the midst of it all...

This past Saturday, October 4th, I celebrated my 33rd birthday.
Life is funny because I kept telling my peeps that I didn't want anything big for my birthday way before last Monday but still my guy wanted to do something and my friends wanted to take me out and since I celebrate for the month, I'm not quite done celebrating.

I went to church, believe it or not. It was an important service and I really wanted to get out of the house. Afterward me and my church friends went out to G-Bar, this little ole place in the Bronx and I had a nice time. I don't know if I was actually tipsy over the vanilla & chocolate martini or because I was up pretty early that morning. The food and drink was delicious.
And I'm so appreciative to my buddies for taking me out to celebrate my birth.

I had an epiphany Saturday morning while exercising that I was going to be going out of state to this restaurant I have been dying to try. Well when my guy hit the turnpike I knew we were indeed heading to Joe's Crab Shack and in every way it lived up to its commercial. It's a shack and they have some banging seafood. I actually took pictures of the food but I haven't had a chance to go home to get them off of the camera in order to post them.
Then we came back to NY and did another simple thing I wanted to do which was go to the movies. We went to see "Lakeview Terrace" but after getting the tickets the usher told us to go into another theater where they played "The Express" which isn't actually released until next week and then Lakeview Terrace afterward. Two movies for the price of one!

Church day, all day.
The youth choir bought me a card and a hand bag. That gladdened my heart.

My co-worker FP bought me a Junior's chocolate cheesecake. Delicious! It's a big ole cake so I didn't eat my lunch in order to have a taste.
My other co-worker bought me Russian truffles. Oh the joy!
I love chocolate. I can have chocolate and coffee for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And since I'm a foodie, you can't go wrong buying me something delicious.

My father just called and told me I was doing too much and he can't understand why. "Communication is so important", he says. As if I haven't been speaking to him several times each day. If only he knew how much I don't like talking to folks! I wanted to scream at him that I was doing too much because he put $200 in my hand and told me to buy a dress, wig, earrings, stockings, slippers, gloves and underwear for his mother but instead I said, "Ok Daddy, I'll call Ms. Mason this evening and ask her to pick up the dress if she finds something by her job".

I'm learning not to take small things serious anymore.

I was reminded by one of my friends that I have to come up with 33 things that I want to do differently and another list began to emerge in my mind immediately. If and when I compose a list, taking things too seriously definitely will definitely be there.

Friday, October 3, 2008

A Very Long Week

Once again I want to thank my blogger fam for your love, prayers and support. I appreciate you and your encouragement has uplifted me.

If I have learned nothing this week, I have learned that we must get things in order before our last days. It may seem morbid but we all know that dying is a part of life and like buying a home or making financial investments it is so important to get life insurance and other matters bought, purchased and settled for a smooth transition.

Gratefully my grandmother was insured and shortly before her passing she gave my father money so the family does not have to struggle for anything. That in and of itself is a blessing.

Gratefully there is no drama. Well... not a whole heck of a lotta. I can't express how glad I am that there is no one who wants to do too much of everything or wants things to be so extra special that you just want to kick them in the back of the knees. Everyone of my father's friends and his special lady friend are so supportive and loving.

Gratefully my brother is flying in on Thursday from Antigua. His wife is here in the US preparing to give birth... now I told you that my grandmother would have been 93 years-old in November and my sister-in-law is giving birth the first week in November...

Gratefully my church family and my close friends... man I appreciate you! My co-worker CB, I know you read me, I love you so much. DC, my sister, always always there for me. My guy and my friend B. Soul... if it were not for you, your support and your positive energy on Monday... all of my friends, without naming names, you are loved and appreciated.

.... posted by the really tired but thankful Ms.KnowitAll