He Loves Me

I have an especially hard time with Love.
I've been hurt in the name of love. I remember one of my exes grabbed me and left the print of his hand around my wrist as he told me that he loved me.
But I also know that feeling that you just want to bottle up and carry it around in your pocket for safe keeping. That knowing feeling that plants itself in your soul. The feeling I have and have shared with my parents and the rest of my family. The most confusing and indescribable of sensations when it comes to relationships... LOVE.
I still struggle with it. I know how to love. I have a lot of love to give and I freely give it. The thing is I don't know how to receive it. I push love away. I beat the mess out of love. I ask love to reveal itself, prove itself, and gone on by itself. I've even prayed for love and when it was presented to me, I laughed at it and said it wasn't enough. Yeah sometimes I'm psychotic when it comes to love.

This weekend I was home and cleaning and decided to throw on my Who Is Jill Scott? cd. When this came out in 2001, I just knew that the emerging neo-soul sound was created with my ears in mind and when I heard track 7, I knew I wanted the same kind of love that Jill sang about when she sang...

You love me especially different every time
You keep me on my feet happily excited
By your cologne, your hands, your smile, your intelligence
You woo me, you court me, you tease me, you please me
You school me, give me some things to think about
Ignite me, you invite me, you co-write me, you love me, you like me

You incite me to chorus.....

Now I'm thinking... what if Lyzel told her that he loved her like that and like me she was struggling to believe it so she penned it, affirmatively she sang it and belted the hell out of it recording and singing it live, and that love became a reality? What is she didn't write it at all? What if Lyzel wrote it for her to sing and affirm for herself? What if like me she didn't believe true love between two people could really exist and this was her way of slamming her negative thoughts and moving forward in her positive thinking.

I was thinking of my guy and how I've been pushing his love away. In one of his messages he texted me that the love he gives is a reflection of the love I give to him. Now as good as that love is, as wonderful as it feels, how very beautiful it is -- why am I trying so hard to push it away?

You're different and special
You're different and special in every way imaginable
You love me from my hair follicles to my toenails
You got me feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new
Oh when you touch me I just can't control it
When you touch me, I just can't hold it
The emotion inside of me, I can feel it

The love I'm feeling, I prayed for. I took my time and created my Love List and I believe that this is the fruition. This morning as I walked with an extra pep in my step, feeling like the breeze, easy and free and lovely and new as I arrived to work... when I heard the message he left as he sang this on my voicemail, I thanked God for His blessing. This type of love doesn't happen everyday and because I know that not only do I want love but I need it, I slowly and surely say goodnight to my struggle and simply relent...