untitled...

her and her husband had been arguing.  "little things", "stupid things" she told me.  i understand bits of what she tells me due to her heavy russian accent.  "something's wrong with him, i'm taking him to the hospital, i don't know what it is but my husband is not my husband".  that's what she told me right before i went on vacation.  when i returned back to work, she was sitting shiva.  her husband of 33 years committed suicide.

her cubby is diagonal from mine and i look over my right shoulder periodically just to make sure she's "here".  today she's not.  she tells me "i thought i was going to get better but i'm only getting worse".  i worry about her but i have yet to find words to console her.  it pains me that all i have offered her is a hug or a warm hand on her arm.

when i came back to work, silly me, i kept giving her the sad face... the i-know-you're-going-through-and-so-i'm-going-to-show-you-my-miserable face.  i didn't realize why she kept avoiding me until i saw another co-worker giving her the same face. i quickly corrected myself.

when she returned to work, i knew that she wanted to get back to normal.  she wanted to be around her friends, her co-workers and her work to prevent her from thinking about her grief... but her managers gave her even more grief by telling her that her performance was off, she was here but not here, not realizing that she needed time to cope.  they took 15 minutes away from her annual time because she left work at 9:45 on the morning her husband died.  some folks are incredibly insensitive... and that's putting it lightly.

however, she has a strong support system.  plenty of children, grandchildren and her close friends.  one of our co-workers, who is a good friend of hers, bought her a cat.  she named the cat after her husband's nickname.

it is my hope that she becomes stronger daily... that she and her entire family find peace.  at some point in our lives we've all sat on the front pew of a church or funeral home... some of us have sat shiva... all of us have mourned... and i pray that my fellow co-workers, her supervisors, find compassion and offer it to her...

real or imagined - a repost & revamp...

I have a friend who was in love with Jay-Z. Not just like being a fan and having every album, poster or t-shirt with his face on it. Even more than that. She was in a relationship with him, yet, she never met him...

She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up.  If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real.  I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.

Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.

**********

I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined? 

Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before.  I wrote this post before.  I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments.  And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.
 
Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love

'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.

I Surrender

Superman: Easy, miss. I've got you. Lois Lane: You, you've got me? Who's got you?

I don't exactly when it happened. When I put this armor on, when I outwardly appeared to be strong, when those around me considered me their tower of strength. Actually I know exactly when it happened. It was during a troubling time when everyone in my life expected me to cave in and crumble. Instead I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, I relied on the strength that only God provides and I turned my life around.

It's funny how life's trials come in cycles...

It hit me yesterday, like a ton of bricks, that I am not as strong as "they" think I am, I am not as strong, at all, as I seem. Right now I am hurting. My heart is hurting, my mind is unfocused, after hours of sleep, I am tired but you would never know it judging my outward experience. Shoot, I'm fly as hell! But inwardly I'm a hot mess.

I am trying to be strong for my friend DC who is going through so much. She needs my shoulder, my support and kind words. I am putting on a good face for my sister-in-law and my niece as they are about to return to their home. And as much as I want to tell everyone that all I want to do is go into my secret place and cry out, scream and mend, I don't.

It's my fault and I totally blame me. Instead of smiling my way through my situations, I should show my vulnerability, I should outwardly cry instead of crying when I'm all alone. Instead when asked how's everything, I respond with All is well, I'm great, how you?, I can't complain. When really I want to soak up someone's shirt sleeves with my tears.

After a stressful day yesterday it dawned on me that I have no one to call on. I have no one to come by my home to stroke my head, tell me to stop doubting myself, tell me to take one day at a time. I'm actually finding that practically everyone I know is draining my energy. What is that?!!!

But then I realize that there is no such thing as coincidence and there is no coincidence that when I am reaching out to others, they are actually reaching back to me as their stress blocker, uplifter, sounding board, encourager. With the best of my ability I am a good daughter and a good friend, giving even when I'm empty.

However I can not hold together the lives of my family and friends. I barely have a handle on my own affairs. But I recognize my need for strength that no man nor woman can give me. I need a touch that is going to stimulate my soul. Unconditional. I need a supernatural power to dry my tears and mend my broken heart, restore my dreams and rebuild my vision. I throw up my hands and surrender. I sat right here at my desk and allowed the floodgates to open. I cried.

I cried over losses, heart breaks, over hurt feelings. I cried over my fears and doubts. I cried over the unknown. I cried out and then I surrendered. I surrendered the stressful areas of my life over to Him. I open myself to my truth - that I make mistakes. I open myself to learning from those mistakes.

Yesterday and most of today I was feeling like I was all by myself. When I started crying my co-worker Saki was idling around my desk and before I could stop my tears, she was upon me, rubbing my back and getting me water. I thank her tremendously.

But Saki doesn't know what I'm going through, no one does and I still have a problem getting down to the real of it and expressing it. Through my tears today, I silently gave all of my problems over to God and I heard him whispering in my ear... "No problem K, I got you".

I am Disturbed

... When I hear stories of an 18 year-old young man who douses a 14 year-old boy with gasoline and runs after him with a match. L.I. Man Accused Of Attacking Boy, 14, With Gasoline

... When a beautiful 14 year-old girl in my church tells me that she is only pretty when she wears fake eye lashes, a weave down to her waist and a pair of stilettos... which are cheap and she struggles to walk in them.

... When I read about a young couple who fall 6 stories to their death. Lovebirds plunge from Bronx roof to their death after night of clubbing

... When a 7 year-old girl tells me that she just got her hair done and she's wearing tight pants so she knows when she goes to Chuck E. Cheese, she's going to get her man.

... When a pregnant woman enters a train and all of the big burly men are sitting down, turning away or blatantly acting like they are asleep so they won't have to give up their seats.

Let it Flow

Let it flow... life... the stress... the forgiveness... the healing.

I am not well. I am not rested. My body hurts, my mind hurts. My thoughts are no longer conveyed as fluidly as I'd like them to be. I'm a better writer than a talker right now... :(

I love to talk so it's annoying me.

I'm breathing out... frustration, shame, guilt, anger, anxiety, confusion, loneliness, jealousy, insecurity, busyness, and insignificance.

And I'm breathing in... serenity, hope, trust, patience, acceptance, significance, peace, optimism, courage, understanding, adequacy, positive energy, and appreciation.

I'm treading through this season. I'm looking up. I'm looking within. And as Monique reminded me... "This Too Shall Pass".

Don't Sweat The Small Stuff

I am a very moody, emotional person and sometimes it doesn't take a whole lot to get me from happy to fight mode. But I’m learning how to channel my moods, not to give in to my emotions and to find something, an anchor, for which to hold.

Most times I grab the Bible and a concordance so I can locate just what I’m feeling and read a scripture to speak to me right where I need it. Sometimes I will grab the book “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Women” by Kristine Carlson. The "Don’t Sweats" are a widely circulated book series. In this book, Kristine Carlson offers advice to women for the little things that we do that rob us of experiencing the larger experience, seeing the bigger picture.

A few of my favorites…

Don’t Sweat says: Low Moods Are Only Temporary
My Spin: Unless I give them 2 legs, 2 arms and a mouth to mouth off – low moods do not have to turn into anything more than temporary. I don’t like to stay low for long – I will reach for a book, the phone or the stereo for some music to bust me out of my funk. I’m all for riding through my feelings but definitely not for staying in the bad feelings zone for long.

Don’t Sweat says: When All Else Fails, Laugh
My spin: I thought about this the other night while watching Wipe Out – that crazy Japanese inspired reality show where the contestants to go through the most absurd obstacle courses that are designed for them all to fall on their faces, splash in mud or water – it’s hilarious. If you get a kick out of seeing people fall like I do, this is definitely a show that can get you out of a bad mood.

Don’t Sweat says: Plan an Inspiration Flow Day
My Spin: Imagine a day where you do nothing but the things that inspire you. You don’t go to work, you don’t have to answer to your partner or spouse, you don’t have to come up with the ultimate excuse for your boss, you just get up and go, sleep all day, take a class, go to a movie, bathe, don’t bathe – whatever – as long as you are inspired and rejuvenated. I don’t do this half as much as I would like to but one of these days, soon and very soon, I am definitely I am going to plan a day just for inspiration. Then I can return to the humdrum of the everyday the next day or another day but just not on my inspiration flow day.

Don’t Sweat says: Speak From Your Love – Listen From Your Love
My Spin: These are 2 separate entries in the book but the context is the same. When speaking and listening to my friends and loved ones I must squash the inner nag, the inner therapist who is always insightful and correct – sometimes I have to speak and listen not from the part of me that is annoyed or triggered by what the person has just said but from my heart. I must imagine feeling what the other person is feeling and speak to that person as I were speaking to heal, nurture, inspire, my own self.

*Image: "Feeling Free" by LaShun Beal

I Just Want to Be Mad

I wanna be so mad today. I had the most frustrating weekend and a horrible commute in to work this morning. I am tired, feeling drained, I don't want to work and the Monday blues is kicking my butt. I was upset on my way in and had no way to release the anger that I started to tear up on the train but this is NYC and believe me a tearing chick gets no concern, which was fine by me. Especially today.
I can't believe that I actually want to hold on to the anger - LOL. I usually try to be a bounce back kind of woman but clearly not today. Needless to say holding on to the anger didn't work.
I get to the job and I check my job email. I sent out a "Something to take you back!!!!, Remember when" email on Friday to my buddies who are actually old enough to have 80s flashbacks. Some of the people/groups were JJ Fad, Bobby Brown, The Real Roxanne, Whodini and others. I sent the email to one of my oldest friends who I still like and don't mind keeping in contact with. His reply to me was "Dag. I remember you had that New Edition album and kept playing it and playing it and playing it and playing it." All I could do was laugh because he would come chill out at my house all of the time, because I was older than him and I had my own personal stereo in my own room. New Edition was the hottest group and I would just melt over Ralph's voice as his sang Jealous Girl and Popcorn Love - I loveded it!
I sat here smiling until my supervisor decided to come over and load up the work on me... so then the anger returned.
My co-worker was passing by and she greeted me with a hello and I looked straight in her face and ignored her. Mind you I get confrontational when she does the same thing to me and clearly she's not too happy about it either because she throws a balled up paper towel at me.
Now we do very unprofessional things at the workplace and my supervisor sits right behind me and diagonal from the crazy co-worker but my supervisor is not her supervisor so she can reprimand me but not my co-worker. However, the little girls within us wanted to play today and we decided to let them have their way and I threw a small bottle of lotion at her (it was the first thing I could get my hands on) and then I threw 2 pens at her. The lotion hit her but she dodged the pens. It was too funny and it was enough for me to stop fretting about things beyond my control.