Tuesday, February 3, 2009

'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.


clnmike said...

I dont understand why it didnt work out.

Kiayaphd said...

Yeah, I agree with Mike, what happened? I mean, you make it sound good to me, what was the deal breaker?

Aight, I'm gonna get out of your business.

I think I've mentioned that I have recently run into a couple ex's and we're friendly, e.g, we're talking without hitting or throwing smart remarks. LOL!! And while I was initially resistant to spending ANY time with these two folk, I'm really glad I have because they are teaching my love lessons too.

Lovebabz said...

Well whatever your reasons to part are yours to know. But I would say be mindful of missing him, versus missing the idea of what you had. Coming off a loveship is like detoxing. Keep that in mind when you are feeling lonely or out of sorts.

If you want to make a go of it with him then be honest and courageous and say that TO HIM. But if you are unsure, don't make him jump on your merry-go-round by calling under the guise of checking in to say hi. Remember its detox! and he may be having withdrawl from you too.

Get quiet and really discern what's in your heart and on your mind.


MsKnowitAll said...

Clnmike... Sometimes the break-up baffles me too. As a woman I tend to overlook a lot and not keep to my "deal breakers". I have to say that we both allowed our egos to get in the way of harmony.

Kiaya... Gurl, feel free to get into my business all you want! LOL

I think in time he and I could be very good friends but for many reasons we need this time apart.

Lovebabz... I thank you for the hug. I really needed that.

I miss him dearly and it's more the idea of what was. I musta slipped back into our regimen when I almost called but I don't play games, I'm very straight and the relationship, what it was, is over.

Should we begin again, he's going to have to approach me (trust me on this one) and I feel that his pride won't allow him to.