C.H.A.N.G.E

I done did it again...

Change

I changed the settings on this blog site... a reflection of the changes taking place within me.
I've done the same with my home... new curtains, fabrics in my bedroom, new scents burning in the burner, new bathroom products...
I've done my big chop... took the scissors to my head and did it myself... got rid of the braids... the permed hair... the damaged tresses that my long hair covered up... got rid of the cover up... no more transitioning... no dyes... no texturizing products... just naturally me...
I've done in with my mental... shedding the thoughts, the patterns that weigh me down...

Change

Sometimes others are uncomfortable with my changes... as if my shifting means that I'm canceling people...

And I do...

But only the fruitless, the trivial... the things and people that don't nurture me back...
With the seasons and the weather patterns, with the shifting winds and even the rain fall... I'm thankful for the rain and the cleansing it brings... this spring season brings about another cycle to purge

Change

I'm looking forward to these summer months... this vacation time... the breaking out of the old and into the new... the breaking out of the cold and into the warmth... the beach weather... the seasonal fruits... the hot romantic nights... new music playing... new movies to see... new tastes to sample...

Change

For the 1st time in years I am taking a vacation... going away with friends... being carefree yet responsible... going somewhere I've never been... around other people I do not know... and open to the possibilities and positivity...

Change

For years... it's been work... home... church... and my family... Recently I've added a social life... interacting with and growing from listening and engaging with others... with like minds. I feel the tension from being stagnant and closed in... I feel where I am being stretched and enlightened...

Change

And it's been years since I've reached a goal... it's time that I embark on a new challenge... go through new struggles... learn something new... go through new tests... and attain a new goal... I'm open... I'm ready.

'Cross My Mind...

I recently posted, briefly, about a love fizzle I experienced.
Though it didn't last long, and ended because we couldn't or wouldn't rise above our differences and focus more solidly on our similarities, it was one of the most insightful, encouraging and memorable relationships I've had. Possibly ever.

What made the difference between me and this man and all of the others is that love was the undertone of everything. I'm pretty sure if I put my ego to bed and called him right now, we'd begin and end the conversation in love.

And for me... I still love 'im. But I know that we were together for a reason and a season but not a lifetime.

Lovingly, we communicated always. From day one, I was reminded of Erykah Badu's Next Lifetime "Your energy, feels so damn good to me..." Even in disagreements, we voiced our opinions without yelling or insulting and we quickly recovered. And what I cherished so much was his positive ways and peacefulness.

Lovingly, we encouraged each other to pursue our dreams. He's a musician and producer and I a woman of many trades. It's easy to want to consume the free time of your partner but when a dream is in the making, you must give each other space, and we did that continually.

Lovingly, we blended into each other's families, friendships, and everyday activities. During our time together I was reminded that loveships are not supposed to be hard. There is not supposed to be a struggle. In love there is no competition to outdo or overdo, just do.

Lovingly, we parted.

Today I miss him a little more than I have since we parted. This morning I must have been on autopilot as I picked up the phone and began to dial his number, only to remember that we are no longer together in a loveship.

Now I could have followed through with the call just to see how he's doing and to make sure all is well. It's not as if he hasn't run 'cross my mind often throughout the days since our last conversation. As strongly as I feel, as much as I miss our daily interactions constantly, and as passionate as we were, I know that it is best for me to exercise self-control, use sharper judgement and keep the ties disconnected. Because ...the reality, honestly, He was not good for me, and I was not good for him.

I just remember what we used to do.

Blasts From The Past

The emergence of springtime for me is always marked by someone in my past coming back into my life. It happens every year... cycles.

Last year I restarted speaking to one of my coworkers who I used to date.

There was my college crush... this fine behind Chinese-Jamaican dude.

There was another guy who I had some unresolved, unexplored moments with.

And the last was one of my high school crushes.

This year I've bumped into Mr. Camacho as I posted last week. He was my junior high school boyfriend. Before him I bumped into and rekindled a friendship with another guy from my past. And last night I saw another one of my past loves, RG. He was someone I met when I was in high school. We were only together for a couple of months but our friendship lasted for about 3 years after we broke up. Time has not changed him much. He still looks 15 and he's still very much fit.

I wonder if there is going to be any more blasts or just these three. Last year was a doozy with my emotions and so far this year is going well. Somehow I know it has everything to do with me and my growth, how I'm handling the reappearance of these men in my life and not so much the fact that they are coming through.

I know that when experiences happen over and over it is because we are supposed to learn something from it. When we don't learn, we are bound to have repeat experiences. This year I'm not so much concerned with the why I'm seeing an old friend/boyfriend but with the what.

What am I to learn from them?

What am I to learn about myself?

However I know that even if nothing profound comes about, no great revelation or life changing occurrence... there is no such thing as coincidence. I think I'll take this cue to do some digging and further cleaning of my mental and now my emotional. Perhaps I'm holding onto some baggage. I can't imagine what right now but it's not far-fetched. Makes me think of that "reason, season, lifetime" email that used to circulate.

Reason, Season and Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway); and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

© Copyright Brian A. Drew Chalker

Whatever Feels Good For The Soul

It's nearing the end of the year. Christmas is 6 days away. I simply love this holiday time. I also love cleaning. Purging. Getting rid of the old and getting on with the new.
I usually cut people out of my life. I start with the cell phone and start deleting names. I travel to email and delete messages and people's email addresses. Then if they happen to call me or see me, I let them know that this year they haven't kept their end of the bargain and it's pink slip time. A friend or 3 of mine with perseverance for my immature tactics know how I roll.
But this year, I have not spent a lot of time thinking about my friends or my expectations of them. Instead I've been looking at me, my habits, my craziness and I've been sorting out and tossing out.

I've learned that:

I have no control over outside forces...

• The trains, the weather and especially people. I wouldn't even be comfortable with myself if I could control anything other than me. It takes the joy out of everything rather than feeling the jitters, the anxiety, the surprise.

To be honest with others, you must first be honest with yourself...

• The question that pops in my mind with this statement is "Who do I think I'm foolin'?" It's easy to blend it rather than be honest with yourself and stand alone but there comes a time when you have to be honest with yourself, confident in yourself and throwing out pessimism. When doing so, it becomes easier to relate and tell your own truth.

Buying quality trumps buying quantity

• In my case, I buy some cheap behind shoes. I cry for the days when Parade of Shoes was on each and every corner and when I found out that the parent company Payless was taking over, I knew then that I should not buy. But nooooooooo. So I've subjected my precious toes and emerging callouses to the cheap alternative. The simple and plain of it is, my dang feet hurt! So I'm expecting to have 3 garbage bags full of cheap shoes. The bags aren't all that big...

I have a resolution list emerging in my head and in my journal... But I think I want to focus more on Suze Orman's 8 Qualities of a Wealthy Woman...