Thursday, July 29, 2010

real or imagined - a repost & revamp...

I have a friend who was in love with Jay-Z. Not just like being a fan and having every album, poster or t-shirt with his face on it. Even more than that. She was in a relationship with him, yet, she never met him...

She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up.  If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real.  I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.

Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.


**********


I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined? 

Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before.  I wrote this post before.  I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments.  And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.
 
Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love









9 comments:

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Powerful words and thoughts. I hope you have the strength to do what needs to be done.

I too, have been there. Too many times that I care to count.

(((HUGS)))

MsKnowitAll said...

I thank you Sister Kay C and I need the hugs right now because I feel like back-pedaling to the comfort of the known. But I have to more forward...

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

Why is it sometimes so easy to back peddle into something we KNOW is not good for us just because it is 'known' and feels 'safe?'

Travel forward Sis. One step at a time. Now I need to take my own advice :)

"don't go back from more where there is only less..."

(((MORE HUGS)))

Lovebabz said...

First all you change this blog all the time. I swear I am always amazed at how you just rearrange it. I love that about you...always changing and pressing forward.

Ahhh yes the rollercoaster of love, or what we think is love. Listen, when we tire of the rides...the ups, downs, we get off. Now to learn how to stay off the crazy rides. That's where the real work is.

I am working on that. Not hiding or forsaking finding true love. Just not being hasty or desperate because someonme offers me a ride that may look good on first glance. The key is check it out...test drive and then decide if its the ride you want for life.

Rich Fitzgerald said...

As men we sometimes will only give to the level that is required. Require/demand a lot up front for time in your space and then you shall find the man worthy of you, because the pretenders, fakers and shakers won't even bother to rise to that occassion.

25champ said...

I co sign @Rich Good Read!

The True Urban Queen said...

I so understand this post right now. But, I couldn't -- didn't bring it to an end. He did. And then I still wasn't ready to let go. Even when we . . ME knew we should have done so long ago.
But I would have rather of had anything than be alone. I'm working it out.

The True Urban Queen said...

Stay strong.

Hugs.

MsKnowitAll said...

Kay C... peddling backwards is easy! no resistance! but i'm pressing sis. i deserve more.

Sister Lovebabz! thank you & thank you for your advice. changing, rearranging and trying on the new is me but I long to settle within so I no longer seek that which is not best for me...

Rich... thank you for your comment - i appreciate it. being up front is not one of my strong points but i'm working on it.

*thanks Champ!

Queen... when i posted this the 1st time, yours was the only comment. we've been *here* every since with our love journeys. i encourage you too. stay strong, keep working it out. i have found that the hurting is in the holding on. freedom and clarity come when we let go.