She would talk about her and Jay-Z as if they had very real dealings. She knew everything there was to know about him, rap lyrics, what he liked, didn't like. I can only imagine that some things she even made up. If I didn't know better, if I didn't know that my friend was really experiencing a psychotic break, then I would have thought that Jay-Z was really her man. While it was quite evident that something was very wrong with my friend (and it was sad to see) for her it undeniably real. I understand how every now and again we all need somebody to lean on and for some, when we don't have it, we sometimes make one up.
Then one day, out of the blue, my friend and Jay broke up.
I say all that to say that I know what it feels like to talk to someone, be with someone, share with someone and call it a relationship but a relationship it is not. I know what it feels to think it good, think it real, think it was but it wasn't... you question your sanity, the validity of your emotions... is this, was this real or imagined?
Like my friend I too needed something, I needed someone and from that need I entered in relationship. I've been here before. I wrote this post before. I've written it too many times... at different times in my life, in different styles and I'm tired of writing it. I choose to no longer be in a relationship that consists of spurts and disconnected moments. And just like that, today I woke up and decided to end it all.
Slowly... surely... I walk away from that ole desperate and dazed love... caught up in the maze of love... the crazy craze of love... thought it was good... thought it was real... thought it was... but it wasn't love