I Want To Believe...

I don't know exactly when it happened or whose words of advice first changed my way of thinking... but I was told and taught to believe that men are incapable of being trusted. No matter how much they love you, they will all lie to you at some point. And no matter how fine you are, no matter how big your ass, no matter how great in bed or how delicious your morning breakfast is, they will cheat. It's not a matter of if, it's only a matter of when.

The thing with not trusting men is that you spend a lot of time and energy questioning them about everything...

Are you sure you never slept with your best girl friend?
When you called me at 11:03 instead of 11:00 on the dot like you usually do, is that because you were sleeping with someone else?
Did I just catch you staring at my best friend's ass? I betcha wanna sleep with her, right?

More importantly, by not trusting men, we allow doubt and scrutiny to ruin a potentially great relationship. I know because I've ruined quite a few involvements myself.

The other day I was watching episodes of last season's Bad Girls Club. First off, yes I am guilty of watching this mess. It was an episode when one of the bad girl's boyfriend was coming to visit and a fellow bad girl didn't like the boyfriend because he was reluctant to define their relationship yet he wasn't hesitant to have sex with his girl. The fellow bad girl was convincing the other that her man was her cheater and wasn't deserving of her.
Bad girl runs off crying to her bedroom and says if I'm not running around and having sex with a bunch of people, is it wrong for me to believe that he's not running around and having sex with a bunch of people? Now I'm touting up my lips because I'm thinking, "Girl you are good and stupid! If he doesn't want to define your relationship, it's because he's a punk who wants his freedom to do his dirt". But then it hit me.

A man doesn't need his freedom to do his dirt. Married men cheat. Committed men cheat too. A man will cheat, come home and tell his wife that he loves the ground she walks on. A man will swear to you that you are more than enough woman for him and slip his number to the next woman.

I digress... because what I really want to say is that I think it's wonderful that this young woman chooses to believe in the good of men. I would hope that if she's not running around and sharing herself with others, her man will be a reflection of what she's giving and return the favor.

I'm a skeptic. I must truly admit it but I want to believe that if I'm giving a man the best that I got, he sees my worth and in return gives me his best. I wanna believe that so badly. The men in my life haven't exactly been good examples but I will tell you this... looking and expecting something to go wrong is exhausting! I prefer to work on me, being a better me, loving when it hurts and giving even when my skepticism tells me he ain't even worth it. As long as he is reflecting the love I'm giving, I don't have to look no further.

I just need to trust what is.

The Romanticism of the Affair: This Woman's View

Every woman I know dreams of running off into the sunset with the picture perfect Morris Chestnut, abandoning all sense of reality and responsibility and living happily with every single one of our needs met. Who wants to deal with the everyday things such as work and worries, obligations, children, washing, cooking, cleaning and providing for someone else? And don’t let that person or persons be unappreciative because then we start to resent everything, all of the time. We all want to be selfish and free at some moment and sometimes “me time” just won’t do. Along comes that suave and easy going person, the one who says all of the right things and treats you to something sweet every once and again. Here they come and they have no baggage, they ain’t mad at you at all, all they want to see is your smile and sit for some light conversation. They are so cool and oh so nice and ooh you just seem to notice their nice white teeth and their big ole booty and their big, strong arms and they’re not the teeth of the man you see at home and their booty is way better looking than the one you see everyday and the way they make you feel is so great and such an amazing distraction from the monotony of the home front. Who will deny themselves? Why cheat in the first place?

Know that...

• If there are problems in your relationship or marriage, make it your focus, foremost, to find out where the problems are stemming from instead of allowing yourself to be distracted by the new and sexy other.
• No one is responsible for you cheating except for you, no matter how boring they are, no matter how much weight they gain or lose, no matter how badly you just realized the cooking is, no matter what. Cheating is a selfish act and your partner is not the source. You have to dig deep within yourself to find out why you want to stray.
• Statistics show that the result of the affair will not lead to happily ever after bliss. Of course I do not have statistics but hey, look on the net and you'll see it for yourself. Affairs are most often diversions from the tedium of home life.
• The grass is not greener because there will still be dirty drawers and socks, nagging and complaining - that is if the affair turns into something serious. Whatever it was that you needed distractions from will eventually surface once the fun and new wears off.
• The feelings and emotions of being in love are like a drug. If you don't interject some common sense or reality to them, they can become just as dangerous. - Lovingyou.com

Also, know that...

• You are not his girlfriend just because you two sleep together and y'all talk about everything and he treats you nice. And you probably will not be his future wife because he is probably not considering divorce. Men usually cheat because they want variety, more sex or something different that wifey won't do.
• Affairs are not the answer or the remedy for the deficiencies of emotion, affection, or anything else lacking in your relationship or marriage. Yeah, women cheat for emotional support, seeking more romance, affection, or because they are lonely. Most women will find that the cheating partner will provide all of that and some very memorable moments in the beginning but trust me, it eventually wears off.
• Men love to chase and once he's satisfied his curiosity, it's usually time to return home until the next bout of boredom and then the chase begins again.

If you think relationships are hard, marriages are even harder. Everything you do once you say "I do" affects your marriage - your children's stability, insurance policies, cars, bank accounts, pension and on and on and on. There's a lot to undo if you think that running off and escaping from all of the evil and wrong doings of home is the answer. Save all that for day dreaming. In the meanwhile if there is anything going on in your marriage that can be rectified, exhaust all means to do so. It will be worth in the end, even if the marriage dissolves. At least you'll know that you did everything you could to make your relationship or marriage better.

The Other Woman... Part Deux

Once again.... I do not support adultery or cheating of any sort. If I could rewind time, I know I would not repeat any of my mistakes or choices because there is a consequence for every action chosen. The consequence does not always have to be as drastic as contracting HIV or unplanned pregnancy.... sometimes it's your reputation; in cases of marriage, it can lead to divorce; in families, adultery has negative effect on your spouses and yes children too; and the destructive list can go on and on.

The 2nd time I made the choice to become someone else's other woman, it hurt the most. With AJ, his wife was hurt, but for the most part, me and him just ended things and my life returned to normal. We were friends foremost. Even now, we are better friends than anything else.

A couple of years back I met Leader at a club. He was super nice, fine as heck, and had a great personality. We connected immediately and a few days after meeting we were sharing each other's space. I wanted something serious, he wanted sex. I figured even if I gave in, eventually he'll fall into like, perhaps love. Needless to say I was wrong, 2 months later and our involvement didn't change. I was after monogamy and I had my suspicions that he was seeing other women so I ended things.

Fast forward to about 2 years and I come home one day to find Leader's number on my caller ID. I was surprised because when I'm through with someone, I delete all contact information but he still had my info and he even left a message... He was thinking of me and wanted to see me. (Feel free to toot up your lips and call me stoooooo-pid because I called the man.)

This time I knew the deal and I figured I was better prepared, preoccupied even because this time I was already in a relationship. My relationship was steady, stable, happy at times and for the most part pleasing but things were missing. Communication was missing, a lack of emotional attachment, some disinterest. And here comes Leader who knows my quirks, laughs at my jokes, he knows a lot about me and on the outside we have the makings of a very perfect couple but almost a year prior to calling me he actually got married...

But our connection was there, everything seemed so right, everything was electric... First we talked on the phone... that lead to drinks after work, dinner, movies, museums, meeting for breakfast, going out for dessert, surprise floral bouquets and very steamy, extreme, intense desire that neither one of us wanted to ignore and we didn't.

Where was his wife in all of this and where was my partner....? I can only speak for me and I didn't pay any attention to my partner at all. I was floating on a cloud and as much as I loved my partner, I was falling in love with Leader. Everything he did was so right and my man was doing all of the wrong things or nothing. Me and Leader talked and texted so much and when we didn't, all I did was day dream about him. It was the weirdest and most wonderful thing all at the same time, love fog.

We were careful but my partner felt that something was amiss and so arguments ensued. He accused me of cheating yet I always erased the evidence. It didn't matter because I was in la-la land anyway thinking about my "perfect man" and no matter where we were, my mind was always a million miles away on Leader.

Slowly Leader started pulling away from us and started paying more attention to his home and family. He began talking about his wife more and her complaints of him. Our dates were cancelled and the phone calls and texts just about stopped but we still kept in touch and we kept up with our intimate dates but even that began to vanish.

It's terrible when you are already in a relationship and you are suffering from heartache. I couldn't tell my partner because I knew it would have broken his heart. I wanted to because I felt that doing so would free up the guilty feelings that I only felt when the outside relationship was ending. In the beginning it all felt so wonderfully glamorous. The tell-tale signs were there; I started dressing sexier, I was no longer intimate with my partner, emotionally I was detached. In the end, I felt bitter. I was angry with Leader for choosing his wife, his marriage and his new family over what we had. He came back to me and it meant the world to me. What we had was meant to be and it was worthy, it didn't matter that it was adultery. I was such a fool. Here I was romanticizing over a superficial relationship and it's ending that my partner's needs went unnoticed and unmet. I don't have to tell you that eventually that relationship ended as well. Not only was I broken hearted but now I was completely lonely.

Ultimately my heart mended and luckily nothing more serious came about but Karma does not have a time or hour or an expiration date...

The Other Woman

Before I begin, please know I do not support cheating in relationships nor extramarital affairs. I even consider kissing cheating... but I was once the other woman...
I told myself that it wasn't that bad because I knew AJ first, actually he was my man just 16 months prior to him getting married. For me AJ was the big love of my life. We all have that one where everything is just right... my parents loved him, his parents loved me, my nephew called him uncle - it was a match in heaven yet in May 1998 we broke up. Our beautiful relationship was no longer working. By then he changed jobs, began working as an NYC Corrections Officer and the job was changing him. He was always smooth and sweet but after the academy and working on Riker's Island, my sweetie was showing signs of hardening and was slowly becoming desensitized. I wasn't the model girlfriend anymore either. I wanted to hang out with my girls more and more and even though everybody was pushing us to get married and I saw the glimmer in his eyes, I knew I was not ready and he would not be my husband.
But relationships rarely end so easily and we still hooked up for impromptu love sessions until I realized his lease on his apartment was up in November 1998 and he wasn't renewing it. He moved from his apartment and was living with someone else. That was when we really broke up and that was in December 1998.
When he came back in my life, just a month after getting married, it was supposed to be a one time thing. We still spoke on the phone. He would call me late or night or from work. I was always unaffected by him and his pressing to see me. But early one Sunday morning, he called and to make a long story not so long, he arrived at my house exactly 28 minutes after hanging up. What happened that day started a year long tryst.
We met at my house and sometimes he picked me up for a quickie in the car. We hooked up about twice a month, his wife usually wasn't home so if he left it didn't look like he was deserting her. I thought then that our rendezvous wasn't bad as far as affairs were concerned.
About 6 months into the affair, he called about 1 am to tell me that he was going to be a father. I was pissed and hurt. Women like to play games like men play but eventually our hearts do enter the picture and gradually heart break ensues. Everything I wanted with AJ was happening with another woman!!! As the months progressed I grew less and less emotionally attached to him and as much as I enjoyed the loving once, it wasn't that good anymore. Plus I was moving on to meeting someone else for myself. His wife eventually started picking up on his actions and ordered a copy of the phone bill. She saw my phone number and saw the times at night or early mornings that he called. Though I had the number due to caller ID, I never called him. Somehow she even got my job number.
One day he called me at my old job, they wouldn't forward him or give him my new number but they took his pager number and told me to page him. His wife had his pager that day and called the number she saw in the display. She already knew the number because she had been prank calling me once a week for about a month, yet I didn't know it was her. I was dealing with another knucklehead who wasn't ready to settle and I thought one of his dealings found my number and wanted to harass me.
When she returned the call, I had finally gotten through to him. He was on one line and now his wife was on the other. I hung up on her about 5 times and she kept calling me back. She wanted the truth out of me. She wanted to know why.
I told one friend about this affair and that was my limit. The one friend I told was DC, my ride or die. She doesn't judge me, she holds my hand, wipes my tears, she tells me she's proud of me, she tells me when I mess up but her friendship never changes. I digress...
I wouldn't tell his wife anything because then I would have to face my own actions. I started crying right there on the phone with her. She started crying too as I tried to hold the story in and be mean to her but slowly I spilled my guts. Before we hung up I wanted to clarify things on just one issue... I was not about to be the deranged and crazy ex-girlfriend who wouldn't let go. When I realized that he moved into her home in Queens, I was done with him. It was always him calling me and coming around me. I told her that I was sorry. I knew she was pregnant and this was just unnecessary stress that I brought on her.
I forgot he was on the phone and he stayed on hold for the entire 30 minutes plus that me and his wife spoke. When I got on the phone with him I was so drained that I just laid my head on my desk. It was the most unprofessional behavior I had displayed ever. He asked if I was fine and I told him I was but I was planning on the bottle of wine, which I would purchase at lunch and the after work session I would hold at some bar with DC. He apologized to me for everything that went down and I apologized to him. We both felt awful and we officially-officially ended things there.
Yet...
We kept in contact. We talked often but we didn't meet up for sex again. I loved AJ in a special way and even now he has a special place in my heart. I was big on this issue that I was not the one making moves on him but I was the one answering the phone at 1, 2, 3 AM. I was the one who let him in when he knocked on my door. I was the one who climbed into his Cougar and took off for parking lots and dark isolated areas. And even then, before he left his wife, I was the one still picking up my phone when he called to vent. Whatever I thought I wasn't doing by not having sex with him, it was still upsetting to their relationship and it took years for me to figure that out.

You would think I would have learned....