Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.
I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...
Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.
The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.
I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.
Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.
I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...
*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison