This time last year, with a heavy heart and reluctance, I ended a four-year committed relationship. It was a struggle for me... leaving the comfortable, the familiar, in search of... journeying to where...
I can tell you that my relationship was far from peaches or cream, for more that half of its span. We loved each other and we depended on each other but the connection that forms between lovers either never formed or was long ago broken and we never tried to fix it.
As we said our good-byes, that was our opportunity to make or break but neither one of us had the energy to give or the humility to admit our wrongs.
Another man had re-entered my life before my break-up and the possibility of being with him warmed my heart. Everything between me and him happened so fast. Within a day, we professed love. The connection I craved in my four-year relationship, I had in this new relationship instantly... we just didn't see the cracks nor the blemishes. But at first glance he was perfect, everything I dreamed of in a life partner, the answer to my silent prayers. But just like a rebound he slowly fizzled from my life.
It was then that I decided that I would remain single for the year or longer, if necessary... and as life would have it, another man re-entered my life. Now this involvement is so different than any other... it is far from fast paced and just the speed needed for me to clear my clutter, heal my heart and reconnect to all I lost and compromised from being committed. Oh I know that compromise and loss aren't necessarily the norm when you enter into loveship... I even forgot that loveship can be and should be easy.
It has taken me almost a year to find out that all I wanted and craved I couldn't find in a new relationship or with any man. It has taken me this long to see that money, nor any other things, places or people held the answers I sought. In fact leaving my relationship granted me freedom... I am free to think, feel, say, look, taste, touch, smile, laugh, play, sing, dance, write, read, pray... I am free to be neat, a slob, cook, don't cook, sleep, stay awake, clean up, stay dirty... I can and I do whatever I want... whatever I feel.
Freedom feels great! No, better than great... it's almost orgasmic! And now that I've got this chance to reclaim it, I savor it... and with my next go-round, I will be reluctant to release it... but my prayer is that with my next go-round, releasing it won't even be an option...