i am...

HARD

at least i've been told that i am. i've been called brutish, mannish, mean. i've been called cold, harsh... a bitch. at times i curse like a sailor and sling insults without guilt. i can muster up all of the grit from my bronx streets in my vocals and unleash.

and i am surrounded by women just like me... my mama is hard, my friends are too. we have been told that we're mean, nasty... aggressive personalities.

yet a couple of weeks ago, while in a business meeting at my church, me and two other aggressive women sat in a circle grilling, mean-mugging and surely intimidating a potential employer,a male potential employer.. only to be punked.  i thought for sure my poker face and cold interior would get us what we wanted. i knew that the older woman among us, the negotiator, would surely lay down the mandates and we'd win. i was convinced that the more aggressive woman, the louder and physically larger one of us would compel this man and he'd fall in line. he did not. what he did was he gave us his final terms, flipped his hands at our negotiations and was just about put his coat on and walk out of the meeting until we were forced to give in...

i won't go on to talk about how us three women and most of the women in my circle are single... i already mentioned how people and especially men call us mean... i was even called an alpha male by one prospect... now before i continue and conclude this post... this is not a whoa is me, i need a strong man who can handle this strong woman tirade... instead i recognize and aim to relinquish the need, want, desire, compulsion to be something i was not created to be. i admit that i am not always mean, sometimes the softer side of me shines through but i've been tough for so long. i've had to handle situations, assert myself in places, make decisions and a sturdy exterior has been produced... this recent incident made me realize that you can catch more flies with honey, not vinegar. we probably could have worked out a deal slightly skewed in our favor had we been a little more sweet tempered. and most of all, i realized that aggressive, to a real man, i really, REALLY a turn off - and this is not just to men. this tough girl can relax herself, the yin, can allow the yang to create balance...

this is one of my favorite songs... by a former "tough girl" mary j. blige...
here is "father in you"...

through the seasons...

he played sade for me... he knows how i love sade... if i'm pissed i throw on sade and chill.  he knows my favorite song.  he said "if that didn't work i was gonna put on anita"...

he made the drive to new york. after months of let-downs and angry words, he appears at my door saturday afternoon with flowers, eyes filled with sincerity and a cd to play sade. i am quick to anger and slow to forgive. i am hardened by the months that we've been apart.

we talked face-to-face. it bothered me to end our relationship over text messages, email and telephone but i did it anyway. however after seeing him and being in his presence, i forgave him.  slowly the anger melted from me.  slowly love wrapped its way around my words and my facial expressions.  slowly, i forgave him, he forgave, we communicated straight from our hearts.

our loveship is different.  it's special.  we have known each other since we were teens.  we lost touch for a while but when we reconnected, we fell into a familiar rhythm, it felt so right, it felt complete. i love him, i have always loved him and he loves me.

this wasn't a kiss and make-up session - it was truth-telling, harsh but honest. at the end of our conversation we discovered that all we really want is to be happy. for months everything seemed so complicated, clouded and perplexed, yet in an instant, everything became clear again, light and revived... that's what truth-telling will do.

i'm not his lady, he's not my dude, we don't count the days, months or years, we just are...we are friends, we are mates, i don't own him and he doesn't own me... this could end next week or it could last a lifetime.

i love him with an open heart... i don't want to control him and he doesn't want to control me... as he was leaving i told him "let's not pretend"... our attraction and affection has always been effortless... if we cannot be genuine with each other, then we should allow nature to have its way... simple... i did find that when i allowed love to govern, when i surrendered my ego and allowed love to quietly reign, he reflected that love right back to me...

we're not over... but we didn't peddle backwards... we put our issues to bed... we moved forward...




*artwork: sweet magnola by jared small

Tell the Truth Tuesday

You know I love blogging. This is one activity I do religiously. But lately I've been thinking... you know, are some of us just putting on? I know this is not the venue for us to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but then again, yes it is... It's not like we're not in church on a Sunday testifying about last night's booty call or the swing party we just so happened to find ourselves at... This is the blogosphere. Ain't nuthin' wrong with telling the truth! I mean it's quite all right to hold back on plenty of the details of our intimate lives, if you want to, but I think it's refreshing to come across a blog read I can nod my head to because it's nothing but the real.

I don't know what it is, I'm thinking it's the month of December, but my Sister Bloggers are revealing some personal truths... I think it's wonderful when are truthful and comfortable with yourself to say that you're not a good girl like Kiaya or when you toot your own damn horn like Kay C. My two girls, True Urban Queen and ChezNiki have no problem revealing their inner kitty. I can't forget P****Chats.

So just because you're wholed up in church on Sundays, it does not mean that on Saturday you weren't holed up or tied up to the headboard...

Just because you love the Lord and post your weekly gratefuls, it does not mean you do not like, no love, sex, regularly, with an ex who just happens to not be your man...

Just because you're a good girl, it does not mean that you do not have a crate full of pornos in the stash or a rabbit in the goodie drawer by the bed...

Tell the truth...
You ain't never kissed another woman... when you were drunk? sober? lonely? bored?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and thought about the next man and worked your man out?
You ain't never laid in bed with your man, closed your eyes and imagined a woman and worked your man out? LOL
You ain't never thought about sex while sitting at your desk and had to make a bathroom run to scratch that itch?
You ain't never looked at your Pastor on a Sunday morning and wondered...?
You ain't never been home alone and bored and the phone rang, it's an ex, and before he asks how you doin'?, you tell him to come over before your right mind returns?

No? Well all right then, keep on being selfish and keeping your truth to youself! LOL

*I'm actually trying to be comical with this post. It's up to the blogger if they want to be raunchy or vulgar with their blogs and they can always block their blog from public view... It's just my opinion... that some of y'all don't have to be goodie-goodie all the time, y'all just be holding back!