Friday, August 13, 2010

through the seasons...

he played sade for me... he knows how i love sade... if i'm pissed i throw on sade and chill.  he knows my favorite song.  he said "if that didn't work i was gonna put on anita"...

he made the drive to new york. after months of let-downs and angry words, he appears at my door saturday afternoon with flowers, eyes filled with sincerity and a cd to play sade. i am quick to anger and slow to forgive. i am hardened by the months that we've been apart.

we talked face-to-face. it bothered me to end our relationship over text messages, email and telephone but i did it anyway. however after seeing him and being in his presence, i forgave him.  slowly the anger melted from me.  slowly love wrapped its way around my words and my facial expressions.  slowly, i forgave him, he forgave, we communicated straight from our hearts.

our loveship is different.  it's special.  we have known each other since we were teens.  we lost touch for a while but when we reconnected, we fell into a familiar rhythm, it felt so right, it felt complete. i love him, i have always loved him and he loves me.

this wasn't a kiss and make-up session - it was truth-telling, harsh but honest. at the end of our conversation we discovered that all we really want is to be happy. for months everything seemed so complicated, clouded and perplexed, yet in an instant, everything became clear again, light and revived... that's what truth-telling will do.

i'm not his lady, he's not my dude, we don't count the days, months or years, we just are...we are friends, we are mates, i don't own him and he doesn't own me... this could end next week or it could last a lifetime.

i love him with an open heart... i don't want to control him and he doesn't want to control me... as he was leaving i told him "let's not pretend"... our attraction and affection has always been effortless... if we cannot be genuine with each other, then we should allow nature to have its way... simple... i did find that when i allowed love to govern, when i surrendered my ego and allowed love to quietly reign, he reflected that love right back to me...

we're not over... but we didn't peddle backwards... we put our issues to bed... we moved forward...

*artwork: sweet magnola by jared small


Mizrepresent said...

That was beautiful, beautifully written, beautifully expressed. I am so glad you got to experience that renewal. I was sitting here anxiously waiting for the good, the positive and you gave it all to me, but most gave me hope! Happy for you! Hugz!

KayC, The Quiet Storm said...

Glad you could express your feelings and more importantly he heard what you were saying.

I throw on Sade to help me get through my bad days as well. She sings everything I am feeling and more...sigh.

Cheering for you and that newfound 'peace' of mind.


CareyCarey said...

O love Sade as well. Gosh, do I have memories.

I have to agree, this was expressed with conviction. yep, lay it on the table. No lies, no drama.

I have a couple of friends like your guy. I mean, they are women, but we once were lover, but now we're just good friends. Many people do not understand that. When they see us together, they think we are slipping and sliding (creepin). But no, past lovers do not have to be enemies. I believe, as long as each person cleans their side of the street, there's nobody to blame and no resentments. Most of the time, I don't think that happens, but when it does, it's real cool.

Soulmates are great. Generally, they will be there when the time is right, and we really really need them.

Jason said...

There is beauty in truth and this was beautiful.

The True Urban Queen said...

I need to get here more often. I have been missing you.

Anyway, this was so nicely written and beautiful and it made me so sad. But I am happy for you.
After three years of ups and downs and yes and no . . .my soulmate (I know he is the one) said he can't anymore and I am devastated. Why I am not blogging and my other site is suffering. I turned to Maxwell first but Sade is now on heavy rotation. She sings my thoughts perfectly. I love her.

on a side note: on her song Moon and the Sky .. when she gets to the part where she sings (talks) in her deep voice . . you had every star you had them twinkling baby what where you thinking . .I rewind that part over and over. Oh and that is my theme at this moment.

Anyway, reading this is my wish . . to be able to talk one last time and clear the air. To say sorry to speak with my heart.

I am really glad you have been able to resolve matters and can now move forward. . .together.

MsKnowitAll said...

@Queen... moving forward, yes... moving forward together, not necessarily. this talk was between a man who made promises he rarely kept and a very angry me. we finally spoke, sharing the same space, from our hearts. i told him that day that this could end next week or it could last a lifetime... and in my heart it will last a lifetime. the love we share has lasted through seasons and will continue on - i believe it will.

i have a rule with my long distance love to not argue over the telephone. i don't like to argue period but if it must be done, then we should do it face-to-face. this was not an argument per se but a deep discussion - a "clearing the air" as you put it. i hope you and your soulmate have the opportunity to do the same. but if by chance, you do not, you must still clear the air... of your heart. i miss you my sis & you're always in my thoughts and prayers.

MsKnowitAll said...

@Miz & @KayC... thank you for the hugs, i surely need them!

the renewal & the peace of mind... i thought it would be fleeting - lasting for a minute before my anxiety/frenzy/anger returned but gladly it has not. love truly is a bond of unity.

@CareyCarey... exactly - soulmates will be there when the time is right and with respect to time, i must be patient. thank you for commenting...

@Jason... thank you for coming through and feel free to come again! indeed there is beautiful in truth - even when it hurts. you just have to remain open to see & feel it.