Thursday, April 8, 2010

brevity of life

i spoke to my love this morning and i didn't hear what i wanted to hear. i haven't held him or smelled his scent since december '09 and the distance has been weighing on me.  i'm thinking in my head and out loud that another month is passing and i'm not seeing you.  i know you miss me and i miss you dearly but we need to make something happen.  every other day i'm yelling and angry my needs aren't met and he's apologizing, sweet talking and making promises. empty.

shortly after the phone call ended, i received a text from one of my sisters from church.  the death angel has visited my fellowship and the family of one of our esteemed members.  we all knew he was transitioning.  he has been battling cancer for the past 18 months and the doctors sent him home on sunday night with painkillers and hopeful wishes.  today i received a text i wasn't prepared for, a text that makes all of my nonsense suddenly ridiculous. while i argue with my love and long to see him, hold him, i am grateful that i heard his voice this morning and i still have him in my life while my big sister in the faith is saying her final goodbyes to her soulmate.  the pain i have in my heart is now for her and her family.

upon leaving the restroom where i cried myself into a full-blown headache, i made another vow to live life to the fullest.  oh i make this vow daily! vowing to treat e'rybody right, love like i never been hurt, give until it feels good but i find that when i shut off my lights and crawl under the covers at night, i've yet to hit the easy button or signed off as a job complete.  i've still got work to do.

life is short.  we all know that.  my older faith brother was in his late 50s and i hope that before he breathed his final exhale he rectified all of the times he forgot to appreciate, failed to make amends and didn't say i love you.

my love has been the balm needed to make it through my season.  he's the one who tucks me in at night and who calls me early in the morning.  he's the one who makes sure i make it in to work on time and who checks up on me to see if my day is good.  he's the one who hears me sniffles and sends me money for a space heater because it's cold at my workplace.  he's the one who asks me, everyday, "did you write today?" and encourages me to do so because he knows that writing is my outlet. he's the one i prayed for, the one that's needed, the one that right now occupies my heart space, the one i love.  i am grateful for him.  truly i am.

RIP to "Earl the Pearl"... I already miss him dearly and because of him, today, I am reminded of what matters most.


Pandora said...

Sorry to know about your loss.
Take care

Luv said...

sorry for your's something about death that helps us put it all in perspective.

ps you have an award waiting around my way

MsKnowitAll said...

Thank you Pandora!

Thanks Luv... death certainly does help to focus on what's relevant. i'm coming through to see what you're rewarding...

Mizrepresent said...

Hey lady, just checking on you and yes i am too sorry for your loss. And i am glad that you have that ONE, your love to ease the pain. Hope this weekend is beautiful for you!

MsKnowitAll said...

Hey Miz... thanks for coming through & I thank you for your kind words. May you have a beautiful weekend too!

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...


The Angel of Death certainly does remind us of what is important in life. Often that Angel gets a bad rap leaving us with a sense of emptiness but know that your loved one is no longer suffering.

When the hurt subsides I am sure from your post that you have great memories of your dear friend. Know that he touched your life and helped you along your journey.

Don said...

Touching post. I had to read it twice because I felt your sentiments just that much. Yep. It's always a sad thing losing a loved one but I have learned that in times of great loss it definitely allows a person to see and appreciate the joy that another human being brings into their life.

Hey. It sounds like you have a winner on your team and I have to believe that he too feels the same about yourself. See, after reading this, you made me not even want to argue with mines today.

Definitely enjoyed the read. 'Preciate it.

caramelnaps25 said...

Your post came at an interesting time. I attended the funeral of a 34 year old woman on Sunday. She was my brother's best friend's sister. We share the same name. I think the death hit home for my brother having grown up with her. I went home sad, vowing to do many of the things you spoke of in your post. I am a work in progress:)

I love the great things you have found in your soul mate. I know I once had that, but it seems to have dissipated:( I am searching for it again:) Love your blog!

MsKnowitAll said...

KC... Hey Lady, thanks for the hug and thank you for the encouraging words.

Don... Thank you! Haha! Yeah it does seem like he's a winner, right?... nah, he really is. He's a gift & I appreciate him. And I hope you appreciate yo' lady - don't be fussin' with her like you do! LOL

Hey Caramel! Nice of you to leave a response. I thank you for your kind words & welcome you back.

Today is the funeral of my brother in faith and it's supposed to be joyous but my heart is a little heavy. We all have those daily struggles and vow to choose the good over all else. Even the baby steps are progress.

clnmike said...

Sorry for your loss.