Wednesday, June 17, 2009
I Fall Short
As a result of my recent bout with "evil mood"... I have been placed in a position of rendering apologies.
I am not a good apologizer... (however I have a strong talent for making up words)
Part of the problem with my failure for apologizing is that I do not feel that I am wrong for what I said or did. Long story short... I lack of humility. And because I am not humble, my apologies are devoid of grace and sincerity.
For about 2 weeks, my patience has been short. I demonstrated, to all, my intolerance for silliness and pettiness. I shut my phone off... or better yet, I pressed IGNORE for just about anyone who called me other than Mommy & Daddy. I have been called sour, mean, and ugly, and frankly, it doesn't bother me.
I am not proud of my imperfection because along with my haughtiness, I do not possess the guilt and shame mechanism. And I use the word haughty because there is an obvious haughtiness when I feel that I am above the act of apology.
Two people vocalized how much they were hurt while I wallowed in my mood. One of which is a friend who is not accustomed to my ways... he forgave me after he realized I was not about to apologize to him. The other person is my ex who is all too familiar with my bouts. He was the one who called me mean. However I did apologize to him and his response was "You don't really mean it"...
No I really did not mean it and if my apology is void of true emotion, I should not say it. In my mood, I was simply expressing myself, keeping to myself and throwing an elaborate pity party. But I know that I hurt at least 2 people that I care about...
After time and thought, I have apologized to my ex and my friend. Because my mood is shifting my apology held a little more weight and substance. However I know that by not at least committing the act of apology something would brew between us that might be irreparable and that is what I do not want.
I want to keep those I cherish close to me and if apologizing is my method for doing that, then that is what I must do.
And as for my lack of guilt and shame... I am trying to understand their pain, their anger and their mistrust of me. It's a jagged little pill but it's a must if I want self improvement...