Wednesday, June 17, 2009

I Fall Short

As a result of my recent bout with "evil mood"... I have been placed in a position of rendering apologies.

I am not a good apologizer... (however I have a strong talent for making up words)

Part of the problem with my failure for apologizing is that I do not feel that I am wrong for what I said or did. Long story short... I lack of humility. And because I am not humble, my apologies are devoid of grace and sincerity.

For about 2 weeks, my patience has been short. I demonstrated, to all, my intolerance for silliness and pettiness. I shut my phone off... or better yet, I pressed IGNORE for just about anyone who called me other than Mommy & Daddy. I have been called sour, mean, and ugly, and frankly, it doesn't bother me.

I am not proud of my imperfection because along with my haughtiness, I do not possess the guilt and shame mechanism. And I use the word haughty because there is an obvious haughtiness when I feel that I am above the act of apology.

Two people vocalized how much they were hurt while I wallowed in my mood. One of which is a friend who is not accustomed to my ways... he forgave me after he realized I was not about to apologize to him. The other person is my ex who is all too familiar with my bouts. He was the one who called me mean. However I did apologize to him and his response was "You don't really mean it"...

No I really did not mean it and if my apology is void of true emotion, I should not say it. In my mood, I was simply expressing myself, keeping to myself and throwing an elaborate pity party. But I know that I hurt at least 2 people that I care about...

After time and thought, I have apologized to my ex and my friend. Because my mood is shifting my apology held a little more weight and substance. However I know that by not at least committing the act of apology something would brew between us that might be irreparable and that is what I do not want.

I want to keep those I cherish close to me and if apologizing is my method for doing that, then that is what I must do.
And as for my lack of guilt and shame... I am trying to understand their pain, their anger and their mistrust of me. It's a jagged little pill but it's a must if I want self improvement...


Kiayaphd said...

I think I understand what you're saying. Sometimes one needs to apologize just to keep peace and get along.


I wish that it were possible in my world that I could throw a tantrum, respond less than politely, refuse to do something, and when it was all over, SOMEBODY would say to me, "Aw, that's alright, sis. Isht happens. Don't even worry about it."

But that's the fantasy world I would like to live in.

MsKnowitAll said...

You know Kiaya... Me and you both live in that fantasy world. Let me find out I have a sister tantrum thrower? LOL
Can I spazz out? Can I be less than peaceful and have my moment. No when I lash, it seems to have a scorpion sting and e'rrbody is suddenly sensitive, vulnerable and hurt.
Yes, but I know I should apologize, suck up my shit and keep the peace... oh well.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

Well, I was actually going to comment . . .before I read these comments . . .every one is entitled to have their bad days and their bad moods.

You just can't have it for more than a day or two :)