Pacing Myself...

Lately I have been enjoying the friendship of an old friend. It's a "long distance rekindling" and I appreciate the space. It allows for more to build.

I have been known, in my past, to move at a fast pace. I fall in love quickly. I've fallen in bed quickly. Yet I can attest that every man I ever loved, I truly loved...

Coming out of a long term relationship, a relationship that was fundamentally fragile and complicated, I was not looking to enter into another friendship with the possibility of loveship... and so my usual fast pace movements are slow, purposefully.

The reasoning behind my desire to pace myself is because I want to be alert, aware. I want to see the red flags and address them, not get so far in relationship that all we really want to do is bury our issues and move on. I want to realize the mistakes of my past, put them to bed and say goodnight before I pick up with someone new with the old lurking behind. I want to feel myself and learn of myself when I am single and make a conscious decision to enter into relationship (not fall into one) when it is time to connect with my loved one.

I don't go overboard on phone calls, text messaging, emailing or checking in. I don't go crazy if I can't make it to his state or he can't come to NY for visits. There's a time and place for everything and with us taking it very slow, we are big on understanding.

Oh don't get me wrong, I long to lay next to his warm body, feel his caress, feel his lips as he whispers "good nights" and "good mornings" in my ears. I want to see as well as hear his smile when he reads quotes or poetry verses to me. Yet I am content in knowing that when it's time, we will have our time. And in the meantime... I'm stronger, wiser and better. I am learning him and he is learning me. The friendship we had decades ago is rejuvenated.

I know that when I dive in, head first, I get headache and heartache so I'm enjoying this slow ride, enjoying every moment and increment...


*Artwork: "Love Letters" by Frank Morrison

... I

Maslow created a a theory in psychology... a hierarchy of the basic needs of humans...
Dr. Oz, from Oprah, he also spoke of the 5 basic needs...
The range of the basic needs - from air to water to food to shelter to sex - varies... depending on the theories...

I went around to the QuietStorm and to Lovebabz's abodes and I see the question posted

"What Do I (You) Need?"

And the initial answer that pops in my mind is....

Not a damn thang!

I need for and want for little... sometimes nothing... because my needs are met.
Shelter - check
Food - check
Clothing - check
Oxygen - check
Sex...

However today I just bought a new pair of sandals... because I am short and I needed a new pair of sandals that will give me some height but I don't need to be uncomfortable so I need a sandal to offer height and comfort, be inexpensive, and the right color. I opted for brown and it changed my entire outfit. Now I'm out $60.00 and though the sandals look and feel wonderful, I'm pissed that I spent money at all. Now would I be happy or unhappy if buying these fabulous sandals was necessary and my need was truly met?

I need my family... my blood-related peoples, my church family, my work family... even y'all my blog peoples.
I need my job... once again, I'm happy to go unscathed from unemployment, but times are tight and this j.o.b. is my resource...
And on that note - I need my SOURCE

See when I think about all the things I think I need... more money, joy, laughter, love, nature, a better neighborhood to live in, goals, achievements, confidence, dreams... I go to HIM. When I think about all I have, my heart says thank you. He is my source, the source of all provision.

We confuse... let me personalize this... I confuse my wants and needs all of the time. Sometimes I need another "something" like I need a whole in my head. I do not recognize God as my Source every time I feel the need. Just today I realize how I created a situation that I did not want because I thought I needed a little attention. I needed my ego stroked. I needed a compliment. At times I will indulge when I feel the need... chocolate, new shoes, text and instant messaging... I'll call my girlfriends, my male friends... I'll seek out Maxwell or Amel Larrieux... but those are all false fillers, like eating sugar when I wanna stay alert or drinking soda when I'm thirsty. My source supplies my needs, even the ones I don't know I need, and I need no more.

This posting exercise has helped me recognize my needs and they are many... such as I need to forgive and then I need to let go... I need more faith and then I need to release many fears... I need self-discipline... I need boldness... I need to surrender... I need joy and I need my SOURCE - he's the great provider.

I've Got 27 Babies

Their parents lend them to me and the other supervisors for a 2 hour interval every other Saturday and every 2nd & 4th Sunday for morning worship.

I'm referring to the Youth Choir at my Church.

Here we are photographed on Sunday, June 28, 2009, their Annual Day. I'm on the far right & the other supervisors are on the far left.

We sang, we celebrated and we had a good time concluding our 9 month cycle. It was hard work and we've had our share of ups and downs. If you happen to count the kids (I'm not really expecting you to), there are only 23 photographed. 2 couldn't make the event, 1 was there but he didn't participate due to a scheduling conflict and the last is on maternity leave...

We are perfect and imperfect works in progress.

It is an honor to work with these children. My Pastor appointed me to work with them 7 years ago... and I thought about quitting at least 12 times. Most people who work with youth ministries have experience working with children or have children of their own. Prior to this, I did not work with children and I do not have my own... yet through it all, I have grown with them and become attached to them.

I am proud of these talented, intelligent, marvelous children. 2 of the choir supervisors are mothers & grandmothers. The 2 younger supervisors (myself and another) have no children... yet I worry about these babies, I pray for them, I want them to excel and do better than their parents could even fathom, I want them to shine and outshine, dream dreams I couldn't even imagine. And I know my sister supervisor feels the same way.

We were honored with plaques commemorating our work and as I gave my remarks, my heart was so full I just wanted to bawl. But I held it together and said my thank yous... expressing my appreciation for all of our (church) family who helps and encourages us as we carryout our ministry.

2 of my babies are leaving to go to college. Both of them received full scholarships... I'm not just saying that my babies are intelligent, they really are! Another choir member, who didn't participate for the year because she had to attend Saturday school, graduated and also received a full scholarship for her studies. I know that these children excel because of their parents and their schools but also because of their connection to the Church.

One last thing... I forgot to tell my babies, on Sunday, that I love them. In my final remarks for the year, I forgot to tell them that I'm proud of them. I forgot to tell them to keep working hard, it's not in vain, they can be all that they want to be and even more. But as my friend who attended the annual day told me, "K, they already know" and I sure hope they do.