Thursday, September 30, 2010

in solitude...

if the life expectancy is still seventy years of age, then in the next five days i am embarking upon mid-life...
i expected the excitement and the thrill of reaching this milestone to engross me... i expected to celebrate my b'earthday with a big shebang with my friends... with my love... parties... las vegas... dinners and the like...

however as my day approaches, i'm not really in the party mood.  i do not want to go to a club. a trip to vegas does not agree with my pocketbook and while my friends are eager to help me celebrate, my b'earthday is really about me, not them.

i questioned myself and my mental... could i be slightly depressed? feeling that my life has not quite met my expectations, am i full of regret? am i quietly reluctant about turning 35 and therefore hesitant to celebrate?

now right here is where i can begin the lie and say that i am rejoiceful and excited. i can write that i can't wait to see what awaits me for the next 35. i am positive and forward thinking and openly expectant... but i'm telling you... that would be a lie.

i question the choices i have made.  and while i am forward thinking, i am also wondering... am i happy with my life choices? am i saving enough money? given the time and chance, what will i do differently?  what can i do better? and in my examination of me i suppose the pleasure of celebration has departed...

at 34 years and 360 days of age... i do not have regrets.  i really could have handled myself and some people differently but i know that everything in my life is as it should be. the people, my family and friends, are divinely placed.  i have lived... i mean i have liveded and i am, overall, pleased with my choices.

if i am blessed to, i will be sure celebrate many more b'earthdays with fanfare.  i will finally visit vegas and paris, rio and johannesburg. i will throw myself or possibly someone will throw me big surprise b'earthday bashes. i will buy my first home and my first car (it is so not necessary to drive in nyc). i embrace that i have some more living and learning and loving to do but when the clock strives twelve on year thirty-five, i will gratefully celebrate my life just as it is (which in truth is full of content and peace and plentiful blessings)...

i will enjoy myself in solitude...


7 comments:

Monique said...

I've had some awesome birthdays but there was something about this year when I turned 29 that I wanted to spend it alone. I stayed home from work and slept all day long. I slept and thought about my life, where I was going and where I had been. Sometimes spending it alone is just what you need and nothing more.

MsKnowitAll said...

thank you Mo' and i appreciate your comment. work is definitely out of the question. my job has gotten even more demanding and i can't imagine folks being kinder or nicer on my b'earthday. i need my job right now so i'll just stay home. LOL
i have some plans such as going to the spa and doing a little shopping but nothing big... spending my day alone will be therapeutic...

Lovebabz said...

Aloness is a gift. There will be times when being the company of people is just what the soul needs. But you my dear are feeling the gravitational pull of your own heart. Follow where it leads. Solitude and the need for it will not go on forever. Give yourself the gift of YOU! Go inward for a time. We are meant to be in community, and yet we are often called to walk and sit, eat and pray in solitude.

Happy Birthday.

KayC, The Quiet Storm said...

Being with yourself on your birthday is not a bad thing. I applaud you for being able to know what you need and why you need it. I know exactly how you feel.

P.S. - looking forward to that trip to Vegas. We are going to make it there and paint that town red ;)

(((HUGS)))

ninamm said...

Hope your birthday was peaceful and reflective.

I intend to live forever.

MsKnowitAll said...

thank you Sister Lovebabz! and i appreciated the gift that it was yesterday along with the blessing of rain. i had a wonderful birthday!

Sister KayC, the trip to vegas is only postponed. it will definitely happen. we have to keep each other in the loop. and i thank you tremendously for the fb birthday shout-out. it warmed my heart.

hey Nina! yes my birthday was very peaceful. i am excited and energized!

GC {God's Child} said...

I think with some planning you can easily make it to 80 something God willing.
Happy belated birthday and have a blessed year.