Wednesday, May 19, 2010

i need

by now... if you've been visiting me long enough then you know that i'm an erykah badu fan and "fan" is an understatement.  if the myth about her is anything next to true, she's entranced me from day one.
it's been a good long while since i've chosen a song as my theme song... a song that when i hear it, my head drops, my eyes close and my lips spread in a smile...my recent choice... "window seat"... while the video has caught major buzz lately, it's the lyrics that delight me.

it's that part... the bridge, when the music changes to the 3 beats and then a clap... the part where she's singing about needing... i personalized it... i'm sure we all do it and that's what makes a song, a poem, a piece of literary work so distinctive for us.

the song speaks of something that's hard for me to admit to... the fact that i need.  i have no problem saying what it is i want and especially what i do not want... but need?  needing seems to imply that there's something or someone that i am lacking and i know that i've got all of my needs met... food, check... clothing, check... a job, check... shelter, check... stable family relationships, check...

one night i got an email from one of my suitors where he asked me "what do you need?".  he wanted to give me something special but i appear to have it all so he asked me "what do you need?".  i have given to him... he loves jazz and i love maysa and lalah and i wanted him to have something special from me.  so i bought us tickets to see lalah and bought him the latest maysa cd.  my truth is... i'm not a good receiver... receiving doesn't settle well in my spirit.  i feel the need to overcompensate to the giver instead of receiving and relishing in my gift given... so it's a little difficult and vulnerable for me to ask for what it is i need. and just like life... as i clicked reply to answer his email, "window seat" pops on the radio...

i need you to want me... that's a friend of mine who asked me what do i need.  he's the king of the poker face... while his texts and phone calls let me know he wants me, i'm still not fully convinced, or his grown man game is different from what i'm used to...
i need you to miss me... that's my long distance love (yep that's 2 men, i'm grown and i'm single!)... and though i've seen him recently and we speak all the time, long distance is what it is...
i need your attention... that's for my babies at church... you know young people are know-it-alls and just for a minute, i would like their full attention and they can avoid some of the mistakes they make...
i need you next to me... my bed is empty... there's nothing like a 98.6 degrees laying next to you, up under you, leg thrown across you, arm draping 'round you...
i need someone to clap for me... that's my supervisor, her supervisors, hell all the people at work.  a thank you, a high five, a slight nod that my work is appreciated...
i need someone to come get me... i want to be rescued... i want to be sought after, pursued, captured...
i need your energy... i need my mothers... my biological and adopted mums... those strong women who nurture with their kind words and thoughtful pats on the back... who mother the little girl in me and support the woman i've become
i need your direction... GOD... nuff said...



10 comments:

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

We are mentally talking...I am with you on your list of needs. And so agree with the leg being wrapped around you.

Kay C, The Quiet Storm said...

LOVE the photo selection. I might add that to my collection...next to my Swept Away print.

MsKnowitAll said...

Hey Sister Kay C... I love this photo. If you've ever read Tempest Rising by Diane McKinney-Whetstone, this photo was on the cover. In fact, I recommend anything by her... if you haven't read her works by now.

25champ said...

I just discovered that it is okay 2 need. I'm a provider in evry sense of the word and struggle wit receiving.I used to think that it made me appear completely vulnerable, but I realized that know one can do it alone. I had to learn to recieve affection, to be pampered every now and again, and to ask 4 help if I absolutely needed it. They seem small, but I alwayz felt like I had to be so dependable that I didn't know how to accept a helpin hand. We may Rock, but aint none of us made of stone. Great Post!

Kiayaphd said...

Hey girl, brilliant post as usual. It's nice to see that when I finally pull my head out of the sand, you are still producing quality!

Oh, and I'm feeling you on the leg thing!

MsKnowitAll said...

Kiaya... i am jumping up and down and clapping!!! hello sis and welcome back to the blog world. yes i am still hanging and blogging when i can. and i got your email... that was very weird but someone knows that we're connected...

champ... i like that... "we may rock, but ain't none of us made of stone". i was reminded by my older gentleman this weekend that i have not because i ask not. sometimes vulnerability is good. i'm learning...

The True Urban Queen said...

I need to sit down and write out my own need list :)

Maybe not one just geared toward men . . I got so much I need :(

I have found older or younger . . men are men.

But a warm body next to you and a leg on you is so nice.

I tell my children all the time let me teach you from my mistakes so you don't have to suffer making them. But for some reason they alsways want to think they know better.

MsKnowitAll said...

hey there queen! i miss you so much girlie!

so true... men are men... i'm learning that too.

i realized that you can talk to the babies until you're blue in the face but they have to learn their lessons, sometimes the hard way.

Don said...

You broke it down then....

I recently have tried to get into Erykah Badu's music at the urging of my woman, but I cannot seem to grasp her concept. She has the most awesome lyrics I have personally heard from a female artist since Lauryn Hill.

Your line by line breakdown of Window Seat's bridge shows me just how much you enjoy and relate to her sentiments.


Good stuff.

MsKnowitAll said...

thanks Don! i know some people just can't get into her but my other fave who battles erykah for the #1 spot, amel larrieux. she is total hotness.