Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I was inspired to write this post after the something that occurred between me and my partner this past weekend and after reading Minus the Bars’ post on Cheating. I catch lots of slack from my friends and definitely with my partner about fidelity. It’s the one thing we strive for in our relationships, no one sets out to cheat, but somewhere along the course of involvements, life happens.

When you first meet that person and they are all you ever wanted in a mate, it’s impossible to foresee cheating but after a period of time, when the monotony and predictability of relationships settles in, that sexy brotha or sista seems very appealing all of a sudden.

It all depends on what one considers cheating. In the beginning of my relationship, I told my partner that I consider cheating any act that you feel you have to lie about. My point is that we communicate on any issue, no matter what. I know honesty hurts. It hurts when I hear about what he’s feeling before the act and it hurts after I bust him up in the act but knowing is half the battle.

What is considered cheating...?

Online relationships?
Emotional affairs?
Hand holding?
Looking at porn sites?
Any form of sexual contact?

How about?

Anything you feel you have to lie about?
Anything you feel guilty about?
Anything you know your partner would be hurt by?
Anything you're hiding from your partner?

The issue I always seem to have is that I'm pretty open and understanding about cheating. Guess it comes from being cheated on or maybe it comes from cheating myself.... I really haven't thought deeply enough to truly say. The thing is that sometimes it's just so hard to stay faithful, even when it's something you really want to do. Therefore it's really not about your partner, it's not about what they're giving or not, it's not about the other person and they way they keep flirting... It's about values. The value you place on your relationship. The integrity you possess. The value you place on your feelings and behaviors.

If you're feeling confident, secure, content, happy, joyful, fulfilled... what is there to look outside of the realm of your relationship for?


Divine Perception said...

You pretty deep these days...lol. I didn't get married cause of the whole cheating issue. You know I probably wouldn't have cared if he would have just talked to me. My mother says a man cheats just becasue but a woman cheats cause a man pushes her to do so. Maybe she is right and maybe she isn't but either way it hurts like hell when you have to find out the hard way. Sometimes it's not because the other person is lacking something, at times people are just being selfish, they want their cake and eat it too. (That's what it was in my case anyway...too bad for him!)

CapCity said...

divine perception's mama's a wise-sounding woman. Relationship discussion tire me out (as do relationships here lately;-), so I have nothing to add.

I just came by to let ya know that I'll be going to the whitney this friday evening (pay what u want after 6pm) with another girlfriend. If u want company - give me a shout -OR- if you're there & recognize me from my blog-flix stop me & say HEY! ;-)

Don said...

I don't consider flirtin to be cheating...although I imagine it can lead to more, if a person is not careful.

Kissing, definitely.
Online relationships? Hmm...maybe.

Emotional relationship? I think that depends on how it's being perceived.

Holding hands, not really, but it can lead to something a little more physical.

Porn? lol. I don't think that could be considered as cheating.

Sexual contact, yep.

Anything you feel you have to lie about? I think that raises eyebrows, and leaves a person feeling uncomfortable.

Anything you feel guilty about? Yep.

Anything you know your partner would be hurt by? Yep.

Anything you're hiding from your partner? Yep.

I agree, its so hard not to cheat nowadays that it has left me weary about being in a relationship, ever again. Like I said, I've cheated and have been cheated on. So I am under the belief that cheating will happen, eventually. No matter who you are.

Enjoyed the read. Sorry for being so late.

MsKnowitAll said...

Don... thanks for posting & I enjoy reading your view, a man's view, because as a woman, I can be strict about cheating criteria. I am an admitted cheater in recovery and I agree with your belief about cheating happening eventually, no matter who, no matter what. The key is how to deal with the situation after it occurs.