Saturday, August 30, 2008

Blue Funk

I’ve been in a blue mood lately. I was thinking it was because of my lack of finances. I’m making sacrifices right now for the greater good in my life and I’m missing the splurge money I used to have in order to pick up anything I want at whim.

Then I was thinking it was because of my insomnia. Last night I thought I was going to kung fu my sleeplessness so I took a long hot bath, burnt some oil, Exotic from The Body Shop, I put on my sleep CD and replayed it 3 times while I laid in bed. I rubbed myself, I rocked myself, counted my breaths and finally I had my way with myself (if you know what I mean) and nada! I don’t know when I fell asleep but I do know it wasn’t soothing at all. I usually have no problem sleeping. Sleeping is more than a need for me, it’s an addiction but lately sleep has not been my friend and I’ve been moody because of it.

Actually moody is an understatement. I’ve been rude, nasty and every so often, just vicious. Since sleep is my favorite pastime I know from reading about it, lack of sleep sometimes increases or decreases sex drive, increases or decreases appetite, brings about slurred and/or nonsensical speech, can result in colds and memory loss, and causes irritability.

I usually combat the blue moods by being grateful, thankful for what I do have like a closet full of clothes and shoes, handbags, all things I need and even excess. Yet I can’t shake the blueness.

I’m thankful for my peeps. My homie/co-worker bought me a journal (she knows how I love stationery) and it’s so pretty – a light pink and dark blue number – I love it! I think of all the poems, short stories and blurbs I’ll write in it but I’m still blue.

I’m thankful for the holiday off and the 35 hours following that I’ll be on leave from work where I plan to meet this blue mood head on and destroy it right through its nucleus. Yet I’m finding it hard to shake and spiral higher from this blueness.

I’m blue to the point where I want to throw myself on my mattress and wail, but even while sitting here in front of this pc, I know the tears just won’t flow the way I want them to – full and heavy, wetting up my face, bringing snot to my nose, clogging my ears, soaking my pillow, causing a huge headache and invoking sleep.

So I’m blue and I type.

I’m blue and I just want to run to and lay across my mother’s lap and have her stroke my hair, telling me baby, “it’s gonna be all right” while I fall asleep. I’m blue and I just want to drink to the bottom of a good bottle of red wine until I succumb to deep slumber. I’m blue and I desire someone kneading my shoulders and feets until the knots retreat and I blend into a mattress and sail off to lala land. But nope I’m awake and I’m blue.

And so I turn to music…

Who better to keep me company and bring heaviness to my lids than Mistress Soul Singer… Anita Baker? Except that I’m wide awoke listening to Rapture, Songstress, Giving You the Best That I Got and Compositions, swaying to the music but not sleepy. Now I really want to cry.

I know my neighbors hear me as I sing Angel… “If I could I’d give you the world / Wrap it all around you / Won’t be satisfied with just a piece of this heart / My angel / Oh, angel…”
*awake and still blue*

When ‘Nita sings Giving You The Best That I Got, I belt right along with her… “I'm giving you the best that I got, babeeeeee / I bet everything on my wedding ring / I-I-I’m giving it to you baby”...

*awake and i sigh*

My blue mood is still in tact but I'm feeling heavy lidded with a little Sweet Love “With all my heart I love you, baby / Stay with me and you will see / My arms will hold you, baby / Never leave, 'cause I believe / I’m in love, sweet love / Hear me calling out your name, I feel no shame / I'm in love, sweet love / Don't you ever go away, it'll always be this way"

I croon with Anita through Good Love, Same Ole Love, Lead Me Into Love, Been So Long, Talk To Me and Whatever It Takes. Now Just Because comes on and my lids feel a little gritty, like my friend, sleep, has come back to link up, connect and Bring Me Joy… "You brimg me joy / When I'm down / Oh, so much joy / When I lose my way Your love comes smiling on me…"

Goodnight folks & may you all have a wonderfully safe and enjoyful Labor Day! Enjoy every barbecue, every party, every carnival...

Rest easy..... K

* Artwork "Lilies for Indigo" by Lashun Beal


Lovebabz said...

Ahh blue moods indeed. I know something about them. I am in my own funk these days. My ussual rescue tools don't seem to be working.

I say we need to create new rescue tools for know in case of emergency break glass!

I do know that perhaps being still is the best course of action. Being still and listening for the divinity. Clear the mind of all the world's noise and discern for yourself what is at the root of your blue-ness.

I am lovingly thinking of you.

Monique said...

Honey, I suffer from days of insomnia too. I just let it run its course and then pick right back up where I left off. This too shall pass. Embrace it while its here and figure out what you're supposed to learn from it.

MsKnowitAll said...

Lovebabz... I thought about you when I wanted Mommy and I remembered your post about wanting to be mothered. I'm still feeling gloomy but I'm finding that sunshine & exercise are working wonders on my mental. Thank you for lovingly thinking of me Sis. I need it.

Monique... I so enjoy your comments. You've got that "girl don't sweat it" approach. "This too shall pass", I need to repeat that like a mantra. Thank you.

Ticia said...

Baby I am blue too!!!

MsKnowitAll said...

Ticia... I have the tofutti ice cream & the virgin daiquiris if you have the chick flick & the tissues.... *smile*

The Love Collective said...

This too shall pass like a mofo!

MsKnowitAll said...

Thanks much TheLoveCollective!

Monique said...

Aw thanks girl. I guess since I'm pretty much have a fuck it attitude about alot of stuff, I just keep that in the forefront.

I actually did something awhile ago to inspire myself to be positive. I took sticky letters and put positive words on my bathroom mirror like "faith", hope, fun, love, focus to reming myself that a positive end is always obtainable.