Thursday, August 21, 2008

Life Lessons I Wish I Learned From My Daddy

My daddy was the biggest man in my life for the longest of time. He has this big voice, big laugh and even now he's still kinda tall. When I was younger he'd pick me up and place me on his shoulders like the time we went to see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. My father worked evenings and nights but he was the one who walked me to school every morning. My father gave me an allowance every week, which I was to save, and then he'd give me spending money. When my daddy realized how I loved chocolate, he would keep a stash in his night table drawer to settle my Friday night munchies. He could have waited to give me treats when he came in at 12:35 AM but knew I'd be in bed, fast asleep, by the time Arsenio went off.

Yet when it came to matters of the heart, there was a void. My father was an excellent provider. Whatever we needed and a lot of whatever we wanted, he supplied. When I was 18, my mother was afraid that I was going to elope with my boyfriend. Me and my boyfriend talked about it, I often dreamt about it - buying bridal magazines and fantasizing about my dream wedding. My mom begged and cried for my father to talk to me. We had a very simple conversation. Though I can't remember verbatim, it went a little sumthin' like this :

Daddy: Your mother tells me you have a boyfriend.
Me: Yes Daddy, I do. I would like for you to meet him some day.
Daddy: Ok darlin'. Your mother is afraid because you're spending too much time with him. She feels like you're disrespecting her. You're not going to run off and marry him, are you?
Me: (Sucking my teeth) Mommy really doesn't understand me. No Daddy I am not going to run off and marry him.
Daddy: I told her that I knew my child. I told your mother not to worry.

Now I can see how my mother probably wanted him to say and do more. My parents never complimented their children on their physical appearances. My mother says that she felt that complimenting us would go to our heads. Yet after heartaches and heartbreaks.... after years of feeling unpretty.... learning life lessons the hard way... I wish there were things that my daddy told and taught me...

* I wish my father told me over and over again that I was beautiful, significant, special, talented, exceptional, intelligent, awesome, brilliant, confident, phenomenal – that he was proud of me

* I wish my father told me to never settle for less than what I deserve

* I wish my father told me that a boy or a man does not give anything to a woman unless he expects something in return.

* I wish my father told me that if a man wants you, he’ll wait for you… I wish he taught me to value my body and the value in waiting for the right man.

* I wish my father told me that it was okay to feel fearful, hurt or rejected because something or someone better is to come. I wish he wiped my heartbroken tears.

* I wish my father told me to never act less than who I am.

* I wish my father taught me how to spot a good man and how to know when I’m getting played.

* I wish my father taught me that abuse is not the norm and I should never allow a man to put his hands on me.

* I wish my father taught me how a woman is supposed to be treated.

However I am grateful for lessons my father did teach me. My father insisted that I get my education and not just good but great grades. My father taught me how to be frugal and to save a part of my salary every pay day. I do not blame my father for the lessons he never taught me. I know he just didn’t know what to say or how to say them. He loved me the best way he knew how.

I am grateful for my spiritual father, God the Father, for loving and blessing his girl/woman child. God has truly filled the gaps in my life that neither my father nor any other man has ever been able to fill. I think John 4: 1-26 when Jesus met the woman at the well and how Jesus told her that he could provide water where she would never thirst again. The woman came to the well with an empty pot and after she spoke with Jesus, she left her pot right there. She no longer needed it. That’s what God has done for me. He has satisfied my thirsts for things that never satisfied me anyway – I call them false fillers. He loves me so much that I don’t bring emptiness to any relationship. I am so full of love, I am overflowing with it and have so much to share.

I am grateful for JT, my on the job hunny, for constantly complimenting me, for being my friend, for schooling me on dudes and the bull they try and sometimes succeed in pulling. I love JT because he values women - his mother, his sister, his ex-wife, his daughter. If you act like a ho, he treats you like a ho but when you act like a lady, he metaphorically and sometimes literally kisses your hands and your feet.

I am grateful for Rone, a past love, for telling me that if a man moves me out of my father’s home, he better be able to provide for me the same or provide better amenities than my father has. While we dated, I never paid for one date, he always paid it all. He bought food for my home. He picked me up from work, church and grad school. He gave me space to hang out with my girlfriends and he would often treat me and my girls when we went out. He was good to my mother and cool with my father.

I am grateful for FP, another on-the-job hunny and his old fashioned ways. For always walking on the “outside”, for opening doors and for knowing the value of good chocolate.

And I am grateful for my guy, MB. I knew MB for years before we became involved but on the night we began he told me how precious I was inside and out. He told me to value my body and to not give it away. I thank him for loving every dimple, roll, curve - every portion of my body. He still loves me and desires me physically. MB is my closest friend, my confidante and my protector. He still looks at me in a lusty kind of way when he thinks I’m not looking… well that is when he looks at me.

I am grateful for my exes, for teaching me lessons that I never want to experience again.

K’s Love List

86. Has mastered the art of massage or is willing to learn how to give a great back, foot, scalp, shoulder, whole dang body rub!
87. Writes or likes poetry and doesn’t mind reciting it in my ears whether I’m awake or asleep
88. Knows it is his duty to make me feel protected and cared for – physically, financially, emotionally
89. Enjoys and knows the benefits of eating
aphrodisiac foods...
90. Likes going horseback riding and taking classes at
Our Name is Mud

If you wanna check out a love list supreme, check out Lovebabz's Love List
Other lovelisters are... Kiaya, Kay C, True Urban Queen...

If you wanna know just How "Magic" Lists Work


Don said...


I can honestly say that I've never read a blog post like this before. It was very stirring and your cup runneth over with honesty and emotion. There's not much I can add - I definitely have no intentions on speaking against your father, I think you are fortunate to have enjoyed and learned solid advice from your dad. I'm sure you share those same sentiments.

Post like these should inspire every brother to strive or continue to strive to leave their mark upon their flesh and blood.

Enjoyed the read, Msknowitall. Immensely.

Kiayaphd said...

You are absolutely amazing!! I fully understood every word. Your father sounds like mine. I can count on him for everything material or tangible need I have, but he is clueless when it comes to emotional needs. He loves me, in fact, each of his children, but he was never given nor taught how to love with his emotions and so could only give us what he had. But I think, what an absolutely amazing man/father he could have been and it brings tears to my eyes.

Thanks for sharing!

Monique said...

Despite it all, I'm glad you also thanked your father for the things he did teach you. We're blessed to have both had father's in our lives. My dad still is the best man inthe world to me.

You are blessed and love, boo. Don't ever forget that.

Kin'shar said...

wow, this was really touching. I am a daddys girl and all of the things that I can think of doing with my daddy...I DO IT! Neva a wasted moment. I love him and he too is my best friend. Would do anything for him. He neva has to worry because I will make a fire feel cold for him. There is nothing better than a father's love.

MsKnowitAll said...

Thank you Don... I've been struggling to write this post for some time. I always encourage my guy friends who have daughters to tell and show their daughters just how much they are loved. It is so important to "leave your mark" as you said.

Kiaya... You feel me Sis - Thank you. That's it exactly - our fathers were never taught. There taught to be the "rock" and the rock doesn't cry or show emotions.

Monique... Thank you! Thank you!
I love my daddy dearly and I can't help but be thankful for what he's done. I didn't even realize that I needed more from him until I was grown and had experienced life.

Kin'Shar... Believe it or not, I'm a diehard daddy's girl. My voice changes when I talk to him! He's the 1st man in my life through all the good and the bad.

MzNewy said...

Wow....some of your wishes are mine too. I think the generation that our fathers came from just didn't teach them how to value their daughters nor how much their daughters needed them to show them how a man should treat them. I think something happens to you as a little girl when the 1st man in your life doesn't treat you right. You know it is almost like a drug addict. an addict spends their whole addiction trying to regain that first high. Well, when we have a flawed relationship with our father, we spend a whole lot of time trying to fix it by dating/being involved with men that either reminds us of our dad or treats us the same way.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

I came by before and read this and I didn't leave a comment. Sorry.
I had to think about it.

I can't really comment on this because my father was . . .I can't even put it in words.

I know you wish you father taught you those things but, he seems like a good guy and I would have given anything growing up to have a father that was half of yours.

The True Urban Queen aka Sharon said...

Oh I forgot. About MzNewy's comment.
I think that is why I didn't really sit down with a love list. I always tend to stay or go for the guys who I know aren't going to give me those things.
I guess it does have to do with our fathers.

Lovebabz said...

Dearest Sister,

The best thing about being an adult is that you can be all the things you wished your Dad would have been to you. You have life lessons learned under your have learned them well.

You are beautiful...release the old wounds and "I wish they would of"

Nothing stands between you and your own complete happiness...except YOU!

Thyank you for all your kind words as I was making the decision to take a break. I have decided to repost things from last year as I work through...(smile)

Thank you. You are a kind and loving spirit.

MsKnowitAll said...

Lovebabz... Thank you Sister Lovebabz for your encouragement, always. Reposts are excellent reflections, a definite must.

Queen... I understand where you are coming from, having read what you posted about your father. I'm so thankful for my Dad, really grateful - I can't stress it enough. But I can't help thinking about the hurt that could have been prevented.

MzNewy... You hit it right on the head and Lord knows that most of the guys I dated were exactly like my father. That's why I'm grateful for learning lessons, discernment and making conscious decisions.

aoc gold said...

The Naughty Boy

There was a naughty boy,

And a naughty boy was he,

He ran away to Scotland

The people for to see

Then he found
That the ground

Was as hard,

That a yard

Was as long,

That a song

Was as merry,

That a cherry

Was as red,

That lead

Was as weighty,

That fourscore

Was as eighty,

That a door

Was as wooden

As in England
So he stood in his shoes

And he wonder'd;

He stood in his shoes

And he wonder'd.

-----by aoc gold