Mary Christine Brockert (March 5, 1956 – December 26, 2010)

I ain't gonna let you go that easy...
You've got to say you love me too...
I ain't gonna let you go that easy...
I'm gonna give it all to you...

Sleep in Peace Lady Tee...

his royal highness...

i have seen plenty of artists in concert in my lifetime.

none of them could touch prince.

of course there is no comparison between all of the artists i've seen. each of them do their thing and do it well but prince is who he is and brings it as he does and there are just no words to describe how remarkable and talented he truly is.

he danced. he wowed the crowd. he shook his cute little ass. he told us when to and how to clap. he was engaging and oh so sexy.

he performed "adore", "insatiable", "scandalous", "if i was your girlfriend", "the bird" & "jungle love" (by the time). sheila e. joined him on stage and performed "glamorous life" and "love bizarre". he started with "let's go crazy", "1999", "delirious", "little red corvette", "kiss" and "take me with you" oh and i can't forget "beautiful ones".

prince performed purple rain, of course, and during his guitar solo, close to the end, i started thinking...

i love my profession.  i love my job. i work at my church and i love that too. my 9 to 5 work comes easy to me. my church work comes very easy for me too. i have found my niche and my work simply flows out of me. sometimes i get a thank you, some show of gratitude, but most times i don't. and it doesn't bother me. i know that i do what i do because i offer service - in both of my jobs - and i do it well. millions of people are helped and blessed by what i do for my job and i enrich my community with my church work. i feel uncomfortable when people thank me for that sometime because i know what i offer is so beyond me and my capacity - it truly comes from God.

back to prince singing purple rain... the guitar is riffing, he's walking up and down the stage and playing.  and he comes back to the mic and sings "you say you want a leader, but you can't seem to make up your mind, i think you better close it and let (not me) God guide you to the purple rain". i said to myself... he's doing it. he's living and doing what he has been called to do. he touches people with his gift and sound and words. his gift truly is God-given. no wonder he's so shy when people praise him. he can't possibly take all of the credit for that!

and then i cried. truthfully i wanted to let my bottom lip hang and allow my face to contort up uncontrollably as it does when i ugly cry, but i didn't.

there was something so soul-stirring about hearing purple rain. i love that song so much. but seeing it performed live. seeing prince perform it live. seeing prince play that guitar. hearing the strings and cords... i got chills and the 2 people next to me shook with chills too. there's a healing to be found in music and there's certainly a healing to be found in prince's music.

i hated to see him leave the stage. i was so upset that the house lights were up. i can tell he wanted to sing "nothing compares 2 u" for me. i know he did. and he wanted to perform "pop life" too. he actually came back while the house lights were up and performed another 4 songs. it was one of the most beautiful things i've witnessed.

i cried when i saw maxwell. he was performing the hell out of "pretty wings". but when i saw prince, i saw the one who inspired maxwell and that was freaking awesome!

fine man friday... he is legendary

this man must be a slave to his craft... it is embedded in his very being, in it he lives, moves and breathes... he is one of the most talented men and for that he has earned the status: legendary...

i was introduced to him in 1979. and since then we have had an unwavering commitment. he is an artist that i love to love. he continues to write, record, produce and play... for me... and i continue to enjoy and hang onto every note, cord, word.

he feels for me, he told me that i'm the marrying kind, he wants to be my lover, my mother and my sister too... he has promised me that until the end of time, he'll be here for me, i own his heart and his mind, he truly adores me.

there is not a genre that he cannot capture... i believe the world is his influence and his inspiration. he's not just a funk or r&b or rock and he's more than simply a pop artist... last year as me and my friend DC drove from pennsylvania back to new york he serenaded us along the highways... out of my left eye i caught her laughing and i asked her why. she said, damn i didn't know he was a rapper too! yes my man, he's all that and then some.

when i heard he was coming to the north east i threw my request to the universe... well it was more than a request, i staked my claim when i said, "i am going to see prince in concert".  that was back in november. sure enough one of my friends called me last night to tell me he and his wife bought our tickets and tonight i will scream and sing right along with prince at the izod center. i scoured my drawer to find the perfect pair of purple panties to fling at him... i didn't have any :-(

 Prince Rogers Nelson

tonight is gonna be a good night for slow love... i did a post last year, If Prince Gave Me a Private Concert... and tonight... well the concert won't be private... but an experience i will be sure to remember for the rest of my days.

here is where i would post a prince song that i love... i love so many and it's hard to choose. i would put purple rain, anotherloverwholenyohead, or adore or do me baby or if i was your girlfriend and i cannot not put i wanna be your lover but i choose "g.o.d". love theme from purple rain. i chose this because my mother bought this because i loved prince even more after purple rain (the movie and the album) came out. i watched that movie a total of 96 times in one year. i have every line memorized and i could do that iwouldie4you move so good! this was something my mother probably stumbled upon... and the little 45 is even purple. i still have it though i don't own a turntable...

i am...

HARD

at least i've been told that i am. i've been called brutish, mannish, mean. i've been called cold, harsh... a bitch. at times i curse like a sailor and sling insults without guilt. i can muster up all of the grit from my bronx streets in my vocals and unleash.

and i am surrounded by women just like me... my mama is hard, my friends are too. we have been told that we're mean, nasty... aggressive personalities.

yet a couple of weeks ago, while in a business meeting at my church, me and two other aggressive women sat in a circle grilling, mean-mugging and surely intimidating a potential employer,a male potential employer.. only to be punked.  i thought for sure my poker face and cold interior would get us what we wanted. i knew that the older woman among us, the negotiator, would surely lay down the mandates and we'd win. i was convinced that the more aggressive woman, the louder and physically larger one of us would compel this man and he'd fall in line. he did not. what he did was he gave us his final terms, flipped his hands at our negotiations and was just about put his coat on and walk out of the meeting until we were forced to give in...

i won't go on to talk about how us three women and most of the women in my circle are single... i already mentioned how people and especially men call us mean... i was even called an alpha male by one prospect... now before i continue and conclude this post... this is not a whoa is me, i need a strong man who can handle this strong woman tirade... instead i recognize and aim to relinquish the need, want, desire, compulsion to be something i was not created to be. i admit that i am not always mean, sometimes the softer side of me shines through but i've been tough for so long. i've had to handle situations, assert myself in places, make decisions and a sturdy exterior has been produced... this recent incident made me realize that you can catch more flies with honey, not vinegar. we probably could have worked out a deal slightly skewed in our favor had we been a little more sweet tempered. and most of all, i realized that aggressive, to a real man, i really, REALLY a turn off - and this is not just to men. this tough girl can relax herself, the yin, can allow the yang to create balance...

this is one of my favorite songs... by a former "tough girl" mary j. blige...
here is "father in you"...

fine man friday... i've got a jones

i really do... and you know what? joneses make you do things you don't normally do... make phone calls, wear certain types of clothing, go all kinds of places, do all kinds of things...

well this jones of mine... he's an older man. distinguished and debonair. he likes cognac and expensive cars and jazz... we have some things in common... some... but what moves me and what moves him are different... yet... i like that he likes what he likes... feel me?

some days me and my jones barely speak... and then other days we're talking and laughing endlessly... he is someone i feel for deeply... we are connected... we are friends... we haven't crossed the line of intimacy... and we probably never will... but then again heaven only knows... it's not necessary... like i said, we are connected... in a our phones are both busy because we're trying to call each other / we feel each other's gazes across a crowded room / we greet and talk with facial expressions and eye movements kind of a way...it's... special...

there is not much i can offer my jones... he already has everything he needs and he's picky about his wants... but every now and again i think of him and gift him with a little something... i was buying natalie stewart's floetic soul and a suggested choice appeared on the screen... amazon allows you to send mp3 downloads as a gift and i knew my jones would appreciate this...

my fine man friday is none other than...

Will Downing

my jones and will downing actually resemble each other... it's the dark skin and the bald head and they both seem to have a nice soothing baritone voice... below is a link for "a million ways"...

i'm listening to... the floacist

*i recently downloaded some new music and so i've been listening all week....

i went to an open mic night back when malik yoba of new york undercover had a restaurant on 42nd street... all of the artists were seated around the restaurant and i sat next to one... the floacist i believe... she handed me a flyer right before they took to the floor - there was no stage... they tore the place up...

i loved the duo... i remember purchasing the 1st cd for cheap! had to be about $4.99... because it didn't do well... at first... and then they released "say yes", the radios started airing it and the cd price went right back up...

i thought that the songstress was the one who brought the flavor, the softer side... after all she is the singer... but i have listened to her solo venture and while i love her vocals still, there's a little something missing in the music...

the floacist has released her solo project floetic soul... she features artists raheem devaughn, musiq soulchild and, my favorite, lalah hathaway on three songs... the entire cd really is poetic and soulful... without the featured tracks this still would be good but the addition is just the seasoning this project needed...

what i like is that she kept true to what put floetry on the map... she has a song or two that features her rhymability and she's definitely skilled... and then there are some some songs that are really after9 tunes... the ones you throw on when you and your man or woman are done watching tv and talking...

here are 2 favorites below... "come over" featuring lalah hathaway and "need you"...
let me know what you think...

i'm listening to... georgia anne muldrow

i first heard her vocals alongside erykah badu's on "master teacher" on the new amerykah part one release... and then i found out she is a songwriter, producer, and musician...
her music doesn't fit the bill of most songs, some are three minutes, some are only a minute and a half... some have hooks, some don't... most are spacey and dizzying like she might smokethatstuff and then bust out her pen and paper... i say that she is an acquired taste... those who dig georgia like jazz and funk and heavy beats and free-form... she's not your average soul singer...
when i need my balance back... i listen to georgia... when i'm tripping over someone or some issue and i find that i'm about to weaken... i put on georgia... there's something about the hardness of her beat or maybe it's her lyrics that speak to the heart of issues...
her "early" album, in my opinion, is her best! i have to say that if i were to introduce her to anyone, this is the album i would play. her essence is presented but it's softer and easier to digest while her older work is slightly more complex... i read that she recorded most of her tracks on the "early" album when she was in her late teens... i don't know why she has recently released them but as with most things, it was done right on time...

searching...

one day while sitting at my desk... bored... tired of facebook... having read all of the current posts from my favorite bloggers, i set out to search for something new... what better way to find a fresh blog than to look at your own profile, click on one of the interests and see what comes up...

well... i did that very thing and found me... i found an alternative blog i created two years ago. i have very few posts on it because i was a little unsure of what i really wanted to do with it, what i wanted to say. it was supposed to be my raw, peeled back, uncut version... my heart lies within thewordsitype... i created this blog three years ago... out of sincere interest and free time and to have a venue to write freely... to vibe with other bloggers...

i have been journaling but i seldom revisit what i have written... sometimes i throw out my journals (after destroying them) because i feel that i have grown and there's no need to hold on to those thoughts... if i do come across a journal and i read it i feel slightly embarrassed to have had those thoughts and experiences... as if it really wasn't the true me experiencing them... so it was surprising to look back on the blog i created 2 years ago. it's interesting to see how i changed and how i really haven't changed... how my truth is really etched into my being and not just sitting on my surface, easy to be erased or rearranged... i still desire the same things...  and the things i wanted to change, i did...

i suppose the reason why the other blog dropped off, it wasn't too much different from what i post here... just a parallel post with a slight bend to it...

Roy Ayers' "Searching"... you see my friend and i need someone / who feels and needs the same as i... i'm searchin'

post thankful day....

*** i bought food... i was gonna whip up an elegant non-turkey thanksgiving feast with fresh fish, roasted carrots and potatoes, string beans, cornbread stuffing... but my laziness overcame me.

*** i went out wednesday night and brought home leftover chinese food so i had vegetable mei fun, spring rolls... along with some moscato spumanti!

*** i can't recall the tv program i was watching... i am sure the memory will return to me later but i do recall listening to the music backdrop and hearing corinne bailey rae singing "is this love". i didn't recall how i knew the song until a couple of minutes later. i've said this before, that i do not like remakes... yet this one almost fooled me... her version of bob marley's original is nice!

*** i made 2 moves on thursday... from the bedroom to the livingroom... it was a solitudinal day. i spoke with my friends and relatives but i wasn't motivated to move and it was just what i needed... in my quiet time i took a moment to reflect over the 11 months of 2010 and all that i had to be thankful of... food i didn't want to cook, shelter, a closet spilling with clothes and shoes, steam from the radiator, and lastly but certainly not least my loving family... i'm so blessed....

who i am digging...

two weeks ago i sat in a forum listening to the gifted edwidge danticat, author of krik? krak!, a book of beautiful short stories detailing a war-torn haiti... when i first read krik? krak! 13 years ago, i was introduced to a haiti i never knew... a beautiful, lush, green island with a history deep and soulful... people with resilience and triumph etched in their bones... and i fell in love with her poetic style of writing.
i am hooked on edwidge and though some find her work to be a little dark... i find her to be riveting... engraved in her writings is perpetual empathy... i don't see "those haitian people" but a story of us... she has found a way of capturing and revealing the human spirit and connecting us all...
a fellow in the audience asked her to write about the beauty of haiti, to flip her stories into something more colorful and lifting... and her response was "that is not my story to tell but it seems like it's yours. you write about a colorful and lifting haiti. write the stories you want to read".
she is a strong advocate for issues surrounding haiti... much like wyclef jean, she loves and cherishes her island... her pride is estimable...

last night... i sat in that same forum listening to zadie smith... now i have to admit right here that i have not read through a zadie smith novel. i have picked up, borrowed white teeth, on beauty and autograph man from the library but can't seem to get past page 100... but i dig her and my email is set to track her so i receive updates and read her book reviews and articles... i used to have her picture on my desk at work... one day my co-worker/cut buddy asks me if i was crushing her and i had to admit that i was...  see zadie is october born, just like me... we were born in the same year... and she published her first novel the same year i graduated with my bachelor's degree... something about her seems so cool... so yeah, she's my girl-crush...
i thought i would have a problem listening to her interview because she has a british accent and when they get to talking freely it could very well sound as if she's speaking a foreign language but i did all right and her interview was perfect. she spoke eloquently and read that crafty feeling, an article she wrote on her writing process.
in her interview she said that writers are always reading. they don't mind waiting for a friend they are meeting because they will always have time to read. they measure time by how much they will be allowed to read... she was funny and sarcastic... a lover of english literature and america's hip-hop and that just made me like her all the more...

fine man friday... driis

2 Black 2 Strong... Hold On... Rise Up... Please Be True... Best That I Can... Extraordinary Love... Absolutely... Family... these are all songs on his High Class Problems debut release.

he's an actor... he's got a sexy british accent that i hope he never loses even though he's mastered an american accent... but he's also a rapper... and a singer... and on some of his tracks he sounds like he's originally from the jungles (pronounced jung-les) of jamaica as opposed to canning town, east london...


i like this one particular song where the sexy soul singer side of him sings... let your guard down... let this brother enter... your private garden... oooh can i assist you with your problems girl... let me show you a way to celebrate your life... i will be gentle with you baby... just let me show you... i won't hurt ya...


the song is private garden
and the sexy soul singer is

Idrissa Akuna Elba... aka Idris Elba / Alter Ego... Driis

fine man friday... love jones

Say baby, can I be your slave

I've got to admit girl, you're the shit girl

And I'm diggin' you like a grave

Now do they call you daughter to the spinning pulsar

Or maybe Queen of 2,000 moons

Sister to the distant, yet risin' star

Is your name Yemaya

Oh hell nah, it's got to be Oshun

Oooh, is that a smile me put on your face child

Wide as a field of Jasmine and Clover

Talk that talk honey, walk that walk money

High on legs that'll spank Jehovah

Shit, who am I?

It's not important

But they call me Brother to the Night

And right now

I'm the blues in your left thigh

Tryin' to become the funk in your right

He was O-Dog in Menace II Society - the street hustler that we all hated and loved... Drew Tate in The Inkwell - the potential arsonist who comes of age in Martha's Vineyard... Anthony Curtis in Dead Presidents - The Vietnam Vet turn armored truck robber ... but when he played Darius Lovehall in Love Jones... his character was oh so sincere and sexy...

This week's fine man Friday is....

Larenz Tate

I didn't see Love Jones when it came out in 1997. I must have been busy or something because I didn't get a chance to see the flick until I bought the DVD in 2008... right when my last relationship ended... right when I was seeking solitude and balance... right when I needed my faith in love restored...

This is a quote from LT's facebook page:

"Whether in a mainstream film or cult classic hit, I try to stay true to my personal mission of striving for excellence. As an actor, writer, and activist, I apply that same dedication to every aspect of my life."

Larenz aka LT has played in quite a few movies, but nothing touches me like Love Jones... the fact that the movie has a sweet combination of romance, intellect and sexiness makes this a Friday-night-I-have-no-plans, Nothing-good-is-on-cable, 3rd-date-let-me-feel-this-man-out-and-see-if-he-also-digs-this-flick kinda staple. And Larenz, hands down, delivers one of his best performances...

The link below is the Loves Jones flashback from this year's BET Awards... could Larenz be even more finer? Wheeew!

BET Videos

rainbows and such...

i really do appreciate the little things, such as:
hello/good morning/good evening/or a compliment from a stranger...
"thank you" for a job well done...
a quiet day at work...
watching butterflies...
good and creamy vanilla ice cream...
warm days and crisp nights...
hot tea - no milk, no sugar...
homemade mashed potatoes...
coffee with milk and sugar...
autumn leaves...
reggae music...
the steel drum...
good reading...

but... sometimes we get so caught up... so clouded... so run down that we can't even see the little things.
about a month ago i was leaving work, en route to church and i was running. running to the one train, to another train and then finally a bus that would get me closer to church with very little walking. i was hoping that each mode of transportation arrived on time, in sync so that i would get to my destination timely. when i got to the bus, my last transfer, (YES!) the bus was on time and as i began to board, my friend kept telling me to look up and i ignored her. finally i did and lo and behold there was the biggest, boldest, most beautifullest rainbow. i would not have seen it. i would have gotten on the bus and worried about the time but i am sure i would not have looked up.

i am glad i did.

it had been raining like crazy and that evening we finally had a break in the weather. the sky was perfect and blue and God had gifted His children with a beautiful rainbow. in the midst of my life and my running and trying to do and be so much, that rainbow signified that everything is always going to be all right...

fine man friday...

"Since we all came from a woman, got our name from a woman, and our game from a woman. I wonder why we take from our women, why we rape our women, do we hate our women? I think its time we killed for our women,

be real to our women,

try to heal our women..."

this week's fine man friday is...

 tupac amaru shakur

Lesane Parish Crooks... 2Pac... 2Pacalypse... Pac... Makaveli... when Tupac hit the scene in the 90s with his flat top hair style, his intriguing eyes and a smile that melts the heart, he won me over. He was known for his controversial lyrics and lifestyle and though his rhymes consisted of explicit lyrics, one thing I always felt about Tupac is that... he loved women.

He sang about his love in songs like "Dear Mama" and "Keep Your Head Up" and in
Tupac: Resurrection, 1971-1996 he states "I love women. I'm not going to lie, I love women with a passion. Sometimes I just wanna call up Prince and be like "can we hang?", cuz I love women like he loves women."

Now why he had to go and add Prince to his mix?

There's more I can add about Tupac... for he was known for more than loving women but... loving community...
"We talk a lot about Malcom X and Martin Luther King Jr, but It's time to be like them, as strong as them. They were mortal men like us and everyone of us can be like them. I don't want to be a role model. I just want to be someone who says, this is who i am, this is what i do. I say what's on my mind."

and loving people...
"You gotta make a change. It's time for us as a people to start making some changes, let's change the way we eat, let's change the way we live, and let's change the way we treat each other. You see the old way wasn't working so its on us, to do what we gotta do to survive."

He loved... and he thought it not punk nor puny but manly. He professed his love, openly and often and I appreciate him for it.

I end this post with a poem he wrote titled Jada...

u r the omega of my heart

the foundation of my conception of love

when i think of what a black woman should be

it's u that i first think of

u will never fully understand

how deeply my heart feels 4 u

i worry that we'll grow apart

and i'll end up losing u

u bring me 2 climax without sex

and u do it all with regal grace

u r my heart in human form

a friend i could never replace

fine man friday...

eventually i may come up with a better term than "fine man friday" but for the time being, that's the tag i'm giving it... fridays are my days to pay homage to the fine men i like to look at... perhaps i'll add a little content like i did a couple of years ago with my chocolate brown brother/brown brother lust week...

the fine man i've chosen for this friday is....

Lonnie Rashied Lynn, Jr. AKA Common Sense- now known simply as Common

image location:
http://www.last.fm/music/Common/+images/27135681

a circle of sisterhood

 

this past weekend i had the pleasure and privilege of being surrounded by my sisters in faith. we traveled to sandy cove ministries in northeast, maryland and i excitedly looked forward to retreating from the monotony of the everyday... responsibilities and engagements.

the focus of our retreat was to rediscover our dreams and our long lost plans. like little girls, literally, we crafted... cutting out pictures from magazines and creating vision boards. we examined the negative scripts we mentally repeat, the negative people in our lives and we assembled forward plans to aspire.

i awoke to remarkable sunrises and basked in break-taking sunsets... i sat quietly by the water just breathing and thinking and being... i was spoiled beyond belief by the freedom to just relax...

we sat in circles and shared our stories... stories of  sadness and triumph.  we cried... we released... we got angry... we prayed... we laughed and as the weekend ended we rejoiced.

i remember a time when my women friendships were few... when i had more men as friends than women... when my thinking was that women were catty and men were simply cool... and while some women are catty, my circle of friends is more feminine than masculine and i love it.

this past weekend we were both inspired and inspiring... another group from another church heard our joyous resounding and came over to witness. when they saw us women, old and young, clapping and singing, crying and dancing, they gave us their contact information and told us to notify them anytime we did anything because they wanted to be part of the number... that has been one of our visions... to touch women globally.

last summer i traveled to visit my friend and we came upon a circle of women. he said something like hmmm, that doesn't look good, must be some man-bashing taking place in that circle and i responded telling him that women, when gathered in circles, aren't even thinking about men! it is about sharing, growing, healing...

over the weekend i grew a little and some of my wounds were healed. i received clarity and my dreams of writing and publishing were reawakened. 5 years ago i earned my master's degree and turned 30 and i felt like i had done everything i was supposed to do, i felt complete. but in these past 5 years i've been feeling a need to do something new... and now my wheels are in motion to do just that...

earn my affection...

i was set up... well not really...  rather one of my friends tried her hand at match making. i think she really did it to get me back into the blogging groove but according to her messages she thought he'd be good for me or me for him...

i was reluctant. for several reasons. my focus, right now, isn't on meeting anyone new or developing anything serious. my match-maker has only seen about 2 people that i have dated, 2 very different men... so i was wondering who in the world would she pick for me. i have never been set up before so that right there is a reason for me to hesitate. lastly, in her initial message, she didn't give me a lot to go on. she gave me his name, his number and told me he's a really cool guy, he's really nice, she wouldn't steer me wrong...

hmmmm...

well there's not much to tell about the set up because the set up fizzled... however, i learned a little more about myself through this experience.

i broke one of my cardinal dating rules... i took the first step.  look here, i am not the pursuer. i am not the one who makes initial contact. call me old-fashioned or whatever but i have my ways and my way is allowing the man to pursue. to appease my friend and stop the text blasts, i contacted him first. he followed up but he really wasn't saying anything... which made me wonder if he was interested in being set up at all. i made another attempt... "a getting to know you attempt" and i was left looking at my keyboard with a questioning look.  by the third message i knew her endeavor was in vain...

i am not cut out for the new age of dating... texting, messaging... no, ummm... call me! let's set a date, let's meet. while we may not have ended up in wedded bliss, we very well could have had a good first date. i explained to both her and him that i had a busy schedule but no effort was made to place a call, hear a voice or even meet face-to-face. i found it odd but not weird in today's social networking climate...but the time it takes to send a message and then wait for it's arrival is just too much time wasted, for me... i know email and other messaging techniques are instantaneous however a phone conversation is way quicker.

you gotta get me at hello... time is of the essence and at this stage of my life, my patience level is almost nonexistent. i did say i'm not looking to be in a relationship so for me to be interested, the man has got to perform a cartwheel, a flip, a magic trick - from the jump! well not literally but there has to be a little something, a wow factor, to captivate me. 

it starts in way someone greets me... a hello, how are you? beats a hey, what's up? any day. the getting-to-know-you questions should be stimulating and inviting... producing more questions and more conversation... to establish similarities and things in common... that didn't happen.

and finally...

after the intros have been made... allow the chips to fall where they may... i am not a fan of set ups because there's seemingly a third party in the mix hovering, wondering how everybody is dealing. in my experience of "no dealing", the third-partier wanted to find out what happened, what went wrong... and then she felt responsible and apologized when she heard my side and i'm sure she apologized to him once she heard his... see that middle-woman figure wasn't good for me. 

i could be overly critical, burned by relationships past, scrutinizing and skeptical... my energy alone could have stunted the possibility... maybe i just didn't give it a chance... perhaps... 

yet...

i am reminded of a song that i think is fitting for this... a song by amel larrieux called "earn my affection"...

"you got to earn my affection / put your back into it / before we get this show on the road / don’t make me lose all my self respect / I ain’t desperate yet so / come on now stop actin’ out and act like you know"

in solitude...

if the life expectancy is still seventy years of age, then in the next five days i am embarking upon mid-life...
i expected the excitement and the thrill of reaching this milestone to engross me... i expected to celebrate my b'earthday with a big shebang with my friends... with my love... parties... las vegas... dinners and the like...

however as my day approaches, i'm not really in the party mood.  i do not want to go to a club. a trip to vegas does not agree with my pocketbook and while my friends are eager to help me celebrate, my b'earthday is really about me, not them.

i questioned myself and my mental... could i be slightly depressed? feeling that my life has not quite met my expectations, am i full of regret? am i quietly reluctant about turning 35 and therefore hesitant to celebrate?

now right here is where i can begin the lie and say that i am rejoiceful and excited. i can write that i can't wait to see what awaits me for the next 35. i am positive and forward thinking and openly expectant... but i'm telling you... that would be a lie.

i question the choices i have made.  and while i am forward thinking, i am also wondering... am i happy with my life choices? am i saving enough money? given the time and chance, what will i do differently?  what can i do better? and in my examination of me i suppose the pleasure of celebration has departed...

at 34 years and 360 days of age... i do not have regrets.  i really could have handled myself and some people differently but i know that everything in my life is as it should be. the people, my family and friends, are divinely placed.  i have lived... i mean i have liveded and i am, overall, pleased with my choices.

if i am blessed to, i will be sure celebrate many more b'earthdays with fanfare.  i will finally visit vegas and paris, rio and johannesburg. i will throw myself or possibly someone will throw me big surprise b'earthday bashes. i will buy my first home and my first car (it is so not necessary to drive in nyc). i embrace that i have some more living and learning and loving to do but when the clock strives twelve on year thirty-five, i will gratefully celebrate my life just as it is (which in truth is full of content and peace and plentiful blessings)...

i will enjoy myself in solitude...

note from the universe

i received this note from the universe just the other day and it has ruminated in my mind since... i just had to share it...

******

 
What if loneliness was simply a feeling of impatience, telepathically sent to you by friends you've yet to meet, urging you to go out more, do more, and get involved, so that life's serendipities could bring you together... Would you still feel alone?

What if illness was just the signal a healthy body sent to urge clarification of your thoughts, feelings, and dreams... Would you still, at times, think of yours as diseased?

What if feelings of uncertainty and confusion were only reminders that you have options, that there's no hurry, and that everything is as it should be... Would you still feel disadvantaged?

What if mistakes and failures only ever happened when your life was about to get better than it's ever been before... Would you still call them mistakes and failures?

And what if poverty and lack were simply demonstrations of your manifesting prowess, as "difficult" to acquire as wealth and abundance... Would they still cause you to feel powerless?

Well, whatever you feel, I still consider you my only begotten, my champion, and my equal.

Are we close, or what?
The Universe

What if this was a forever dance, and you and I were forever partners?

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®
© www.tut.com ®

book love

wench... that's the book i went into the library looking for.  it's my book club selection for the month and as i always do, i read it close to the meeting time because i'm a procrastinator so i can remember the details.

i bought the last book we read (the other wes moore) and while i enjoyed it, buying books is not my thing.  libraries are funded to buy books and they offer free lending privileges.  i support local libraries.  it's funny though... sharing is not one of my strengths. i don't like sharing good food (especially a delicious chunk of chocolate cake), i am a little freer with sharing my money, strongly opposed to sharing a man! but i find joy in being able to share books.

i scan the "new book" shelves.  i don't see wench but i do remember the book that i saw on my last visit and decide to pick it up.  i know the title.  i know the authors.

it's not on the "new book" shelves as it was the last time i was here but i am not thwarted.  i know where they keep the mystery fiction and i head to those shelves but for some reason i can't remember the author's name.  in my mind i'm saying "he's that dude on the cover of essence for this month, that dude from "in treatment", damn! he's married to my old co-worker's sister - something dacosta.  i know the names of the co-authors - tananarive due and her hubby steven barnes - but i know the book will be under his name. damn!"  i say the title out loud from capetown with love and like magic his name slips off of the tip of my tongue...

blair underwood

i almost did a two-step when i found the book on the shelf with the call number MYSTERY FIC U (U for underwood) as i knew it would be and i quickly head to the self check-out.  i read the other 2 books in tennyson hardwick series - casanegra and in the night of the heat and after reading the last mystery fiction by walter mosley known to evil, i am still in the mood...

i skipped and/or levitated to the train heading home.  as soon as i found a comfortable place to stand :-( i opened the book.  i liked it instantly.  after the dedications, after the quotes, there is a suggested mp3 soundtrack list in the book.  what?!?!  good music to go with my reading pleasure!  i smiled.

maxwell, jill scott, the o'jays, sy smith, marvin gaye, alicia keys, india arie and other artists are suggested - i'm hyped and as i turn page one of the prologue, i notice that the pages are stuck... usually that's repulsive - not knowing what was on the previous reader's fingers but in this case the pages are stuck because it appears as if this book is NEW.

it may not seem like much but i treasure the little things... and for me this lightly read/new book sitting on the shelf of the busiest circulating library in the city is a small fortune.

to all de peoples...

summer is not over... sure it may be september and the children go back to school... if they haven't already gone back... but it's a hot time in nyc for all de peoples...

i am so excited about the west indian american day parade that takes place every labor day on eastern parkway in brooklyn.

the party actually begins with events on thursday straight through to monday with bands playing, people dancing, everybody celebrating...

the parkway gets crowded and it's best to get there early, pick your spot and get ready to jam all day. for 43 years west indians, any and everybody of african descent has gather to jump up and wine to soca and calypso... carnavaaal music!

as for me.. i'll be on de parkway too, waving mi flag!!!

The flag of Antigua & Barbuda

because i love it so, here's two soca songs... i hope you enjoy! and wine too! ;-Denjoy a wonderful labor day weekend!

aaliyah

this angelic singer with a baggy b-girl style, had ladies across the land rocking their long black hair (real or purchased) over one eye… well i know i did… this slim lady with abs that were highly admired and enviable. she held the poise of someone who r. kelly sang about in his song homie, lover, friend.  she was pre-ciara, pre-alicia, pre-keri... pre-beyonce.

aaliyah transitioned from this life nine years ago today… i always remember where i was when i heard the news… laying in my bed, listening to the radio and hoping that hot97 was reporting a rumor… i remember how devastated my nephew felt.  he thought that everyone lived to be old, nobody died when they were young....

 * * * * * * * * * * * * *

give me the original of anything. i appreciate the real, not the duplicated... i just find that the redone is usually sub-par... but i have stumbled something that i feel is a gem.

aaliyah revisited is a collaboration album released by soul culture this time last year to commemorate aaliyah… with artists like jesse boykins III, marsha ambrosius and sy smith… a few not so mainstream artists…  they have redone some of aaliyah’s hits. jesse boykins III has a voice like butter… as my mother would say… his voice is smooth and wispy-like… and when he sings I care 4 u my insides melt like butter… 

if it was possible to "neo-soul" aaliyah, it has been done with this project... and it can be downloaded for free! just by clicking here...

http://www.thisisrealmusic.com/articles/40809/soul_culture_uk-aaliyah_revisited.php

RIP Aaliyah Dana Haughton (January 16, 1979 - August 25, 2001)